Dustin has been reassuring me for the past five minutes, and it isn’t helping at all. I am getting irritated and feel wrong for that because he is only trying to help. I wish he would not have wanted to surprise his sisters, given them somewhat of a warning that the daughter of the man that has tortured them will be showing up with him. He says all will work out fine. His constant take-charge attitude is getting old; I crave it because I am used to not having a say in what I do, but then again I want to break away from my normal life. I am more fucked up than anyone realizes. I am just waiting for the moment he realizes it, and I will be discarded like the trash I am. Hopefully I will get to tell his whole family I am sorry for my father’s wrong-doings before that happens.
I was expecting the door to be slammed in my face after his sisters saw me in tow. Instead, I could feel the curious eyes on me, and I have to say I have never been more grateful for Dustin’s protectiveness and sheltering. He is in tune to what I need at some moments and others he is so far off the mark. I am afraid to tell him for fear of losing the only person I know, the person who saved me and makes me feel things I have never felt before. I wonder some nights when I lie awake if it is love, but I have no idea what love feels like. I can’t answer my own question. I want to ask my counselor, but Dustin doesn’t leave my side during my sessions, so I never have the chance.
I can tell his sisters are so happy he is home. They seem very welcoming but loud. I want to scream, “Shut up” very loudly and let them see how it feels, but this would be socially unacceptable, or so my counselor says. Everything was so quiet and orderly where I grew up so loud noises evoke a weird feeling in me. I feel out of control. It is like he senses I am about to create a faux pas and embarrass him, so he makes excuses and leads me to a guest bedroom upstairs. I hate being treated like a child, and he doesn’t even realize he does it. If he is so worried about me embarrassing him, why even bring me here? I should ask him, but would that be acceptable? Shit . . . I can’t even cuss without cringing. Yet another rule of Brent Hall.
“Are you okay with staying here tonight? I don’t want you far away in a strange place, but I could tell it was getting to be too much for you. You need to start vocalizing this stuff, Teryn.”
Even with him gently telling me to quit internalizing, I get angry. My mood swings are very prevalent lately. “I guess telling them to all shut up would be frowned upon?”
He laughs at me. I get angrier. I don’t find this funny. He holds up his hands, telling me to calm down. “I would pay to see someone tell them to shut up. They would not know what to do.” He is still laughing. I find it hard to keep up with people and their emotions. It is exhausting.
“I will be fine. I am tired and want to read that book the counselor gave me before we left.” She gave me a book called Integrating into American Society. I am thinking of becoming a hermit and conforming to my own society. The Internet is at my fingertips, and I could get everything I needed without leaving my house. But, since I don’t have a house, I can’t get a job because I don’t know how to be around too many people, and I have no money until the case is settled and they unfreeze the assets that were in my mother’s name. I guess my hermit status will have to wait. The agents explained he probably left some legal assets in her name as a scapegoat in case he needed to be bailed out. Since nobody knows anything about her, they will revert to me. Until then, I remain a burden. I am a legal adult with a toddler mind.
He seems to study me for a minute, and I must have passed the test because he kisses my forehead and leaves the room. I have no intention of taking out the book and reading about all my downfalls. I live with them every single moment. I have them mastered. Instead, I crawl into the bed and listen to the conversations floating up the stairs. I hear laughter, tears, but I hear something else that makes me yearn to belong to something bigger than just me. Dustin sounds so carefree, and I want that for him. He deserves it. He does not need to be stuck worrying about me, wondering if today is the day I will have another freak out moment. He has missed so much time and memories with his family. I hear that his sister, Cambree, just got engaged which was followed by their quick departure.
Did I just hear that, Mitch Baird, the police officer that helped Dustin and I, is his brother? How are some people blessed in this life and others end up like me? I don’t covet his blessings, the whole family deserves them; I do covet the feeling of belonging somewhere, though. They seem to have opened their arms, hearts, and everything they have to Mitch, and he just walked into their lives a short time ago. Dustin is always telling me how amazing his family is, and I believe him now. I can only dream of one day experiencing those feelings, and I promise myself at this moment that I will get that. I will be worthy of what Dustin has offered me. I won’t be that weak girl with the father who terrorized her every day. No, I will be Teryn Hall, survivor. Wiping the tears that have leaked out of my eyes, I drift off to sleep and dream about that day. Yet, I wake to another nightmare, screaming in terror, and of course Dustin is right there witnessing it again. I have asked him time and time again to ignore it, but he doesn’t.
He has a wet washcloth and is wiping the sweat on my forehead and pressing the cool material on my neck. I see sadness in his eyes and hate that I am the one who erased all the joy he had earlier. He has to get sick of the constant demons I face. I know I am.
“Go back downstairs, Dustin. I keep telling you not to come in here every time.”
He rubs his temples. I am sure I give him a headache, and before he can speak, I hear from the doorway, “Go, Dustin. I will stay for a few minutes.” The voice is soft and laced with concern. I see Brielle standing behind him. He starts to argue with her, but she doesn’t let him get very far.
Once he leaves the room she asks, “Can I come sit down by you, or do you want to be alone?” I have never experienced anyone asking me what I want; people are too concerned with telling me what I need. Or what their version is.
I find myself agreeing to have her come sit down next to me. I do not feel threatened by her. I feel drawn to her voice. “You don’t have to tell me what the dream was about, I can imagine because I had them for years,” she tells me honestly.
“Do they go away?” I timidly ask her. I feel wrong asking for help or compassion because my father is the reason for her dreams.
“Yes. They won’t ever disappear completely. Your past and what happened to you are a part of you. As much as you want to erase it, you can’t. You learn to make more pieces of you, so the good outweighs the bad.”
How is she so generous? If that were me, I would be screaming like a lunatic. Oh wait, I just was. “How do you do that?” I ask her, genuinely wanting to know what to do.
“You have to figure that out, Teryn. You can get tools to help you along the way, but you have to apply them and get better. Sometimes there is that person you want to be better for, but ultimately, you have to want it. Don’t let him take any more of you. You are not your father, and you are not what happened to you. We just have to find who you want to be.” God, how I want that.
“That sounds nice. I want to be normal,” I say bluntly.
She laughs. “Honey, normal is overrated.” I think I like this girl. “First thing, you have to get back in therapy and really work at it. You have to speak your mind and quit letting my brother treat you like spun glass.”
“I don’t know how. I am afraid of losing him. He is all I have.” I hate that my voice is shaky. For so many years, I never let my emotions shine through, and now they come out when I don’t want them to.
“He isn’t all you have. You have us now, and you have you. You are the most important person. You won’t lose him, but he is just as lost in this as you are. He wants to help and fix you, but only you can do that. You can let him be there for you, but on your own terms. If you want I will talk to him.” She holds my gaze and waits for me to answer.
“I don’t know, yet. I would like to talk to someone . . . alone. Without Dustin being a
round, but he doesn’t like that.” I don’t want her upset with me.
“That is what I wanted to hear. Teryn, he wants to be around because subconsciously I think he knows there are demons that can destroy you, and he wants to protect you from that. I have never seen this side of Dustin, and I like it. No matter how much I like it, I want you well for you, first.”
I just nod at her, and she wipes my forehead and presses the compress to the back of my neck. “You want me to go now?”
I surprise myself again when I whisper, “No.”
I do close my eyes, and she starts humming. I smile because I like the melody. “Sorry, I have a habit of singing or humming to fill the silence.”
“I like it, you don’t have to quit. I have never had that,” I tell her.
“Oh, sweet girl. I wish I could fix this for you.” Her breathing is erratic, and her voice is wobbly, and I wonder how she can have so much affection for me when she doesn’t even know me. I clear my mind and listen to her sing.
“What is this song? I really like it.” She has such a beautiful voice.
“It is ‘Fixing Me’ by Chase Coy,” she tells me in a soft voice. “Just listen, try, and rest. I promise. We will make it work.” I fall asleep with her voice and promise in my mind, and when I wake the next morning I realize I didn’t have another nightmare. I actually look forward to this day for the first time, ever.
Chapter 3
Brielle
After Teryn drifts off and I am comfortable she was at peace, I make my way downstairs. Dustin is pacing the room and clearly agitated. That song I just sang to her was a tribute to both of them. Her life has been hell from what I have been told, and seeing her wake up from that nightmare confirmed my worst fears. She was terrified, and it radiated it off her. Seeing Dustin, sitting patiently by her side, wiping the sweat off her face broke my heart for many reasons. First being that obviously this was a regular occurrence for her to wake up screaming in terror, and second I realized my baby brother was in love. Head over heels in love with a girl not yet capable of returning his love. I can’t blame him, though; she is very easy to fall in love with. Not her radiant beauty, but her flawed but beautiful soul. This situation is going to be like walking a tight rope over a raging inferno. Somebody is going to get burned. I just don’t know whom yet.
Dustin notices me first. “Did she get back to sleep?”
“Yes, Dustin. I would not have left her like that. I promise she is sleeping soundly.”
“I am going back up there.” As he tries to move around me, I grab his arm.
“Sit down and talk to us for a little while. I want to see where your head is,” I tell him gently. He is a bit obsessive with her, and I want to know how he is going to react to me telling him about her going back to therapy, only alone this time.
“Brielle, I need to go back to her.” I know he does. He does need her, and that is not healthy. I pull on his arm and send Addison a pleading look.
Finally he relents and sits down on the couch with us. He keeps glancing towards the stairs like they are going to disappear at any second. “Hey, she is fine. I promise, D.”
He lets out a big breath. “Yeah, I know you are right. I just worry, B. She isn’t like you and Addy. She is fragile.”
“You don’t know that. Have you let her try to be strong without you immediately being by her side?” I brace myself for the explosion that is coming.
“What does that even mean? Just say what you are getting at.” He is getting pissed off. She is his trigger, like I thought.
I take a deep breath. “Have you let her talk to the counselor alone?” I already know the answer, but I hope he will get what I am saying without me telling him what he doesn’t want to hear.
“No, she doesn’t like strangers. She had not seen another person for almost sixteen years, besides her douche-lord father and his friends.” His matter of fact tone tells me he doesn’t see the error of his ways.
“I understand her fear, D. You need to realize that maybe pushing her forward or you stepping back is what she needs. She can’t always have you as a crutch.”
Immediately I realize my mistake in my words. He explodes at me, “I am not her crutch. I am the only fucking person she has that has ever given a damn. I don’t know everything she went through, and I don’t think she should have to relive it. Living through it once is more than enough, don’t you think?”
Surprisingly, Colby is still calmly sitting down and is making no move to kill my brother for speaking to me like that. Either he is relishing in finally having him home, or he feels some kind of camaraderie with him. “Dustin, I didn’t mean it like that. Have you ever thought she isn’t comfortable letting you hear what happened? That is all I am asking. I wasn’t saying you were nothing to her, or that you haven’t been everything she needs, but maybe she needs something different.” God, this is breaking my heart. I don’t know if I can hurt him, and it will kill him if she doesn’t get better. It will take time, and I hope in the end, he is what she needs.
“Brielle, you have no clue what you are saying. If I could go back in time and show you how she was the day she made her statement against her father, for all of us, let me remind you, then you wouldn’t sit here and pretend you are ‘Brielle Knows Best.’” He is seriously pissed.
Mitch speaks up, “Dustin, I think you are overreacting. None of us are questioning your devotion to her, and we all know you want what is best for her, but maybe stepping back, letting her talk to someone alone may help her. She needs to discover her own voice, slay her own demons.”
“Thanks for the advice, bro. But stick to catching bad guys, and I will stick to taking care of what is mine.” The acid in his tone makes me gasp in shock. I have seen him act like a total tool, but this is an all new level.
Mitch, cool as ever, tells him, “I don’t doubt you can handle it, Dustin. I just don’t know if she can handle you hearing it. Don’t lose sight of the fact that this is about her, not you. Remember, we are on your side. Always.” Mitch takes Kayleigh’s hand and pulls her up. They say their good-byes and leave.
Before we say anything, Dustin stands up. “If the Parker pow-wow is over, I am going to bed. It has been a long day.”
“Goodnight, D. Glad you are home,” I tell him honestly. I just don’t know how glad he is about coming home. For once, I would like to make him happy again. It has been so long since I have seen that. He went from happy-go-lucky kid, to douchebag man-whore teenager, to surly and mean teenager, and now he is just guarded. He is too young to be this jaded by life.
Once he makes it upstairs and we hear his door shut, the family meeting commences, minus Cambree, and we could really use her, but she is off celebrating her engagement. Thinking of what that entails makes me want to sit in a corner and rock back and forth with a bottle of wine. When the hell did my younger siblings grow the fuck up?
“Belle, you have to lay off him. He is in deeper than you think,” Colby tells me. Tyler just nods at him, and Addison stares between us.
“I know. That is the problem. He loves a girl who is not able to love him back. She doesn’t know what love is. She may have feelings for him, but until she works through her issues and heals some of her scars, she won’t be able to be what he needs. She will be miserable, and as much as I don’t want to see Dustin hurt, this goes against every instinct I have to protect him at all costs, I have to help her. She wants to see a therapist, without him. Guys, she is hiding something so deep I don’t think she even knows what it is, and it has to come out of her. That scene upstairs I walked in on, it broke my heart. Not on my worst day was I ever that damaged.” I hate saying these things. I feel like I am betraying my brother, and at the same time I feel like I am saying Teryn can’t be fixed, and that isn’t true. She has to heal, and to fully heal she has to be her own soothing ointment. Sure, we could all cover her with Band-Aids, but pretty soon the wounds would overflow and take over. I pray she will be able to overcome whatever is holding her d
own.
“How does this happen? We had shitty parents, no doubt. But how does somebody that sick have a kid that nobody knows about or wants to help? This is the cruelest joke I have ever witnessed,” Addy says to no one in particular.
“I am seriously thinking of getting thrown in jail down in Florida so I can shank the bastard myself,” Colby says.
“Damn dude, when did you turn into your wife?” Tyler tries to joke.
“What are you going to do, B?” Addy asks me.
“Whatever it takes. I am going to call Melanie tomorrow and get her to recommend a good therapist in the area or close by. Then I will take Teryn and let her work through her stuff and pray to God I don’t lose my baby brother and that he understands why I am doing this,” I tell them.
“It’s the right thing to do, Brielle. I get it, but I don’t have a good feeling about it,” Tyler says. Right now, I don’t want to hear it, because he is speaking what everyone is thinking.
Parker Sibling Series Box Set Page 53
