“See you all shortly,” I tell them as I make my way to my spot. Once I get there I silently start speaking to my grandparents.
“If ever I needed you, it’s now. I thought falling in love with Colby was hard, or watching Addison and Tyler fall apart and struggle was bad, or let’s not forget Cambree’s attack and her falling in love with Max was a debacle in itself. All that was easy compared to this. How do I do the right thing when either way someone gets hurt? I know my loyalty should be to Dustin, but I know I can be there for him. Teryn, she is innocent. Even more than I was. My parents were supposed to protect me, and when they didn’t, you did. She had no one. Her own parent turned her life into a living hell. She breaks my heart, and I need you more than ever. I need you to guide me in how to handle this. I am afraid Teryn’s hurt will be the end of her, and that is the way I am going. I have to protect her, nobody else ever has. I have to pay it forward, give her the chance you gave me. I love you and miss you every day. Thank you.”
Before I leave I sing to them, ‘Those I’ve Loved’ by Eric Church. I lean down and kiss their memorial and make my way home. My heart breaks with each step I take. Luckily, my husband is waiting there with open arms and a sympathetic ear.
“I love you, Belle. We will get through whatever this life throws at us. Together.”
Chapter 4
Dustin
April 2019
How did my life become this? I am back home and should be happy, but yet I am right back to everyone telling me what is best for me. If I would have known my sisters would go behind my back and take Teryn to a therapist in Knoxville three times a week and not let me be a part of it, I would never have brought her here. I am supposed to be protecting her and making sure nothing else happens to her. How can I do that when I am not a part of anything? The first couple of times they had Colby or Tyler distract me, and they snuck her off the property, and now all of a sudden Teryn is flat-out telling me I am not coming.
I don’t want to upset her or argue with her, but I really think that therapist is an idiot. Who wouldn’t want her to have a support system? I have never in my life heard that, and I have never seen someone gain a backbone quicker than Teryn. However, it could definitely be because of all the time she spends with my sisters. She doesn’t even seek me out anymore, and she has started locking her door so I can’t even comfort her after she has nightmares. I know she still has them; I wake up to her screams.
I sit outside of her door, willing her to know I am there and to wake up so the terror stops. She always says it is worse when her eyes are closed. The first night I banged on the door demanding for her to let me in, but then the twins woke up, and Addison was ready to kill me. The next morning Teryn told me she has to work through them on her own. What a crock of shit. If you have someone offering to help, shouldn’t you always take it? I don’t understand how she thinks she is getting better because the outbursts she has are freaking me out. It is like she can’t control her anger. She will direct it at anything and everything. Hell, the other day I caught her throwing a stick at a birds’ nest, and when I asked her what she was doing, her response shocked the hell out of me. “This bird wakes me up every damn morning, and I want it to shut up.” What in the hell was that and where has my Teryn gone?
Brielle swears this is normal. She is processing and has never been able to do that before. What does that mean? Processing what? I am pretty sure the demon that has taken over my sweet girl needs an exorcism. Brielle and I aren’t seeing eye to eye about Teryn. She thinks she knows best. I wish they would leave us alone and let us go back to when we worked.
If I have learned anything from the distance between Teryn and I, I have learned to seize the day, carpe fucking diem. I have a constant ache in my chest, and it keeps getting stronger and stronger. I miss her. I miss us. Every fucking day.
It has been hard for me to understand what she needs, and she isn’t sharing. I walk into Brielle’s kitchen to see if I can catch her and ask her to walk with me. I want to show her my piece of land and spend some time with her away from everyone.
“Do you think you could help me find a job?” I clearly hear Teryn ask Brielle.
I just hope I clearly hear my sister tell her that is not an option. “What did you have in mind?” Nope, that wasn’t Brielle telling her no.
“At the bar or something? I just want to be able to make my own money and not be controlled by the fear of not having anything of my own.” My poor girl is feeling dependent. I rack my brain trying to figure out how to ease her fears and make sure she isn’t doing without.
“I don’t know if the bar is the best thing for you right now, but I am sure you could work at the gym or bakery. Let me talk to Addison and the rest of the family since we all own equal parts in it.” I may throttle my sister. My biggest supporter has now become the enemy.
“Thank you, again. I feel like I spend all my time thanking you, Brielle.”
“Quit saying thank you and quit feeling like it is expected. We all work together and help one another. I promise, this is how most parts of like are supposed to go and I want you to feel that.” I don’t know which one of them is crazier at this moment.
I need to get my temper under control, so I make my way down to our gym and start hitting the bag. Mitch walks up behind me, “Want to talk about it?”
“Nope. Nothing to talk about. I am not only losing my best friend and the girl I have grown to love, I am losing my sisters along with it.”
“That isn’t true, Dustin. You will always have them. I know you don’t understand what is going on, but I am going to tell you the truth. We can’t help her on our own. She has some deeply-rooted issues, and the surface hasn’t even been scratched. Remember when she asked you to leave the room when she gave her statement?” I guess acknowledging him is enough motivation for him to continue. “It was bad, D. And she still hasn’t told us everything. She claims she can’t remember, but I think she doesn’t want to remember, because I am not sure she will survive the memories unless she gets some coping mechanisms and faces them when she is ready. Whether we agree with how things were handled, this is the best for her. Her therapist wanted to put her in an in-patient extensive therapy treatment, and Brielle refused. I don’t know if that was the smartest thing, because I think she needs it.”
What is he saying? I feel the bile rising in my throat and my imagination is working overtime thinking of what could be so bad. I am glad Brielle didn’t put her in a treatment facility; even though she is slipping away, I still get to see her every day, and I couldn’t imagine any other way. I don’t say a word to Mitch as I rush out of the gym to get home and see Teryn. I have this urge to make sure she is okay.
Rushing into Brielle’s kitchen, I see her staring at CJ while Riley and Brielle make some sort of concoction on the stove. The cabinets and countertops have chocolate and flour all over them, and Teryn looks like she is about to blow a gasket. This is normal for my family, but in times like this it makes me realize how much Teryn has been sheltered. She was so used to order, made to follow a strict regimen, that something as little as the kitchen being a mess has her about to jump out of her skin.
I sit down beside her and ask, “Want to get out of here for a little while? I can tell you’re about to freak out.”
She stares at me and just snaps, “I am perfectly fine right where I am. Quit trying to move me back to my comfort zone. I have to figure out these triggers on my own which means without you babysitting me.” Before I can react she throws the chair back and stomps downstairs to the basement. I take off after her. I need to explain that the last thing I am trying to do is stunt her growth. I just don’t like to see her struggle.
“Don’t go, Dustin. Let her process this on her own,” Brielle tells me. I am about to argue with her, when she tells me, “I know this whole scenario is new to you; you being the protector, and possibly being in love. It is hard, like a balancing act with her. You need to realize, though, everything isn’t going
to be wrapped up in a pretty box with a bow. Her emotions are all over the place and sometimes volatile for no reason. She doesn’t understand “normal,” and then sometimes she is so overwhelmed with guilt for everything her father did, and the hate she feels for him. Look at how we have all struggled with our parents and the relationship we have with them. Go back a year and remember that confused boy you were? That is Teryn times a million, D. You have to give her room to grow. She will mess up sometimes, but that is life. She overreacted to your simple suggestion, but that is because she was already agitated over something so trivial, and she was berating herself for it. You have to let her learn to stand on her own; quit being her crutch.”
I just stare at Brielle. This was the same girl a year ago that would move heaven and earth for me, and now she is essentially telling me to do something that will hurt me, and go against my gut instincts. I just want to be everything to her. Why can’t they understand that?
“Before you get mad at me, Dustin, know I am looking out for you, too. I love you, always. I am afraid we are all in over our heads with her, and I don’t want you hurt. God, it is killing me to know what could happen. She is innocent, you are innocent, but yet you are both so undeniably right together. I don’t know how this will work out. Please, guard your heart a little.”
“Too late, Brielle. I never thought I would say this, but she truly owns my heart. I never knew what you, Addison, and now Cambree were experiencing. It was so foreign to me, but now I think I get it. Everything I do, every decision I make, it is always with what is best for her in the back of my mind, and now you are telling me to guard my heart. All I want to do is give it to her; I want her to protect and love me like I do her. She tells me to leave her alone and that I am smothering her. You tell me to be careful, and my heart is screaming at me to grab her and hold her, protect and love her, but my head is telling me this is all too much and not worth it. Somewhere, deep down, I know she is worth it. What do I do here? Do I listen to my head or my heart?” I am begging her for an answer, and I can tell by her expression she is hurting along with me.
“I don’t know, D. I just don’t know,” she whispers. If I wasn’t in so much pain and turmoil, I would write this day down in permanent marker and let everyone know, Brielle admitted she doesn’t know everything. I just can’t bring myself to make a joke about it. “You did good, though, with Cambree today,” she adds.
“What?”
“She called a bit ago, apparently there is going to be a wedding in a couple months.” Well I guess I have my moments of clarity. Brielle continues, “She said you reminded her that today, and what you have right now, are all that matter. The future isn’t guaranteed.”
“Yeah, I talked to her earlier. I told her that if she loved him to go for it. Tomorrow isn’t promised and second chances aren’t guaranteed. I just reminded her this was a choice she could make on her own, and not to doubt herself.”
“I am proud of you, Dustin. Somehow, I didn’t screw you up too badly. That was just the push she needed to head into her forever. Thank you.”
I just shrug at her and walk toward the door. “Hey, D . . . we miss you. All of us. You came home, but I feel like you didn’t come back to us. Just remember, we are always here for you.” I turn and head out to the lake. This is Brielle’s spot, but she has always shared it with me. It doesn’t bring me the same peace or comfort it does her, but I know at this spot, nobody will bother me.
My phone dings, and I look down and see Brielle has sent me a text. It is like she knew where I was going. “I Will” by Blake Shelton starts playing as I hit the button. Lately every time I see Teryn she has an iPod attached to her hip, a gift from Brielle. I may have to sneak a peek and see what she is listening to.
Chapter 5
Teryn
I don’t know what is wrong with me. The most mundane things make me feel like I am losing my mind. The therapist says it is all normal and suggested Cognitive Behavior Therapy, or CBT, but she wanted me to go to a facility for a few weeks or longer. She felt it would be beneficial to remove triggers from my everyday life until I learn to change my behavior to them, until I learn to basically accept that my issues stem from the way my negative thoughts contribute to my anxiety and how I perceive a situation. My entire life I was taught what was acceptable and what was not. Problem is, Brent Hall’s acceptable is completely different from what it is actually acceptable.
I asked Brielle if I should go into the facility, and she wasn’t really keen on the idea, but admitted it was more because she didn’t want Dustin’s heart broken. She admitted she wasn’t exactly sure what the right thing was for me. After my latest blow-up I am considering going into the facility. I hate it more and more when I see the pain and confusion in Dustin’s eyes, especially because I know I am causing it. He is trying to be there for me, and for so many months I used him as a crutch, and I was able to push my thoughts and fears down. However, now they are on the edge all the time, and I know that when he realizes everything that happened, he will never look at me the same. Of course, my therapist says those are my negative thoughts, not exactly what will happen, but I think I will be the judge of this scenario. It happened to me; it was said and done to me. She has no clue what my thoughts are. I don’t share everything with her. I can’t share everything with anyone. If I say it out loud then it makes everything real in my head. It is bad enough I relive the abuse in my nightmares. I would like to just escape my reality during daylight hours. I don’t really think that is too much to ask.
I hear someone approaching down the stairs, and I really hope it is Dustin so I can apologize. I hate the pain I cause him. I feel like I am repeating the patterns of my childhood, and I never want to inflict that on him. I know in my mind he doesn’t deserve what I am doing, none of the Parkers do, but I can’t control it. That is my biggest fear, being out of control. Even through the abuse and pain I suffered at my father’s hands, I could always control my reactions to it. The loss of control I am suffering now is almost worse than being back with that monster. Hurting innocent people in the mix of my breakdown is just not an option. I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I know instantly it isn’t Dustin, but Brielle.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper to her, trying to speak past the lump that has formed in my throat.
“Hey, no getting upset over that. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Teryn, we all want to help you, but at the same time we are trying to give you room to process. Can you tell me what has you upset?”
“It’s stupid. I hurt Dustin and lost control over something really stupid.”
“Nothing is stupid if it bothers you. I told Dustin not to come after you, because he will want to fix it. I just want to know what it was and maybe help you process it,” she answers me sincerely. I know she is regretting taking on a basket case like me.
“It was the mess and the noise in the kitchen. I am sure it is perfectly normal for someone who didn’t have a tyrant as a father, but I was freaking the fuck out.” I clasp my hand over my mouth in horror. Real ladies don’t curse; men abhor it. I look up to see Brielle has tears running down her cheeks from laughter. “What?” I ask her timidly. No telling what I did now.
“Felt good to drop the f bomb, didn’t it?” She is still grinning at me.
Yes . . . it did. I nod at her and slowly start to smile. “I am not allowed to curse, Brielle,” I instantly tell her, so she doesn’t think that I normally do it. I mean I hear all of them curse, but I am a guest, an outsider, and shouldn’t be vulgar.
“Teryn, you can do whatever the hell you want. You are an adult, and can choose to cuss or not. It is up to you, baby girl. Don’t let him control you, do what comes naturally. Be who you want to be. If you want to wake up saying fuck, go to bed saying shit, or before lunch scream out asshat, go for it. If you don’t then that is fine. Some of my best words are a joining of cuss words, because sometimes one is just not enough, kind of like Lay’s potato chips.” She hugs me.
I real
ly don’t understand her last remark, probably because potato chips are processed food and that was a forbidden thing growing up. Before I can tell her that, she says, “So, the mess and noise bothered you?” Oh God, here it comes. She is going to tell me what a freak I am and ask me to leave. I mean, she should be able to make a mess. Her kids should be able to be as loud as they want. They live here. I sheepishly nod yes at her. I feel the damn tears welling up behind my eyes. She has every right to kick me to the curb, but I really love them. It is my first experience of love that I remember, but I just know it is.
“Hey, it’s okay, Teryn. Don’t worry about my reaction. I promise it won’t be what you are expecting. I am trying to figure out your triggers and let you deal with them, but also trying to lessen them. Yes, you have to learn to cope, but if we aren’t constantly bombarding you all the time with them, you may be able to get some coping strategies. I can promise you in this household you won’t get peace and quiet, hell, none of the houses here offer that. You living with Addison was the best decision in terms of space, but with Cambree and Max living in their own house, there is plenty of room in the farmhouse with Amelia if you want that option.”
“What I really want is an apartment of my own, but I know I am not there yet. I don’t even have my driver’s license, yet. But that is a goal I set with my therapist. I think the farmhouse will be good for me.”
“Done. I will warn you that Amelia will try and mother the shit out of you, but don’t think she is doing it because she doesn’t feel you can’t handle yourself. She has been with us forever and doesn’t know any different.”
“Okay, and I promise not to snap at her or lose my temper. I know you are worried about that.”
“No, Teryn, I am not. Amelia isn’t as loud or messy as we are, so you should be just fine, baby girl. We will move your stuff over tonight. What are you going to tell Dustin?” She had to ask me that.
Parker Sibling Series Box Set Page 54
