Wow, I have tears running down my cheeks, and for once I feel worthy. This man, this beautiful soul, is proud of me and thinks I am special. Maybe there is something worth saving in me. “Thank you,” I choke out.
“I am not the only one who feels this way. Look around, every member of this family feels the same, some stronger than others, but we all see what you are, what you will be, and we are so damn lucky to have you in our lives.” He kisses me on the cheek, and it doesn’t make me feel dirty or scared. I can tell by the look in his eyes and the slight upturn of his lips that it didn’t go unnoticed. “I need to let you dance with someone else before he beats my ass for the tears on your face.” I follow his gaze and see Dustin with murder in his eyes. I thank Mitch again and make my way to Dustin.
“Dance with me?” I take him by surprise.
He reaches up and wipes my tears away, ever so gently, and I press my cheek into his hands. This is the first time I can ever remember craving another person’s touch. “Are you okay?”
“More than okay,” I can honestly tell him. We don’t immediately dance; we mingle with his arm firmly around my waist, every so often drawing me into him so he can kiss my temple. I am more relaxed than I have been in my whole life. The party is winding down, and I ask him to walk me home. The house will be dark and quiet because Amelia is still at Brielle’s helping with the kids and enjoying the festivities.
Once we reach the stairs to go in the farmhouse, he pulls me into his chest, “I never got my dance, beautiful,” he whispers in my ear.
We can still hear the music playing, and as he turns me around to wrap his arms around me, and I lay my head on his chest, Ne-Yo ‘Let Me Love You (Until You Learn to Love Yourself)’ starts playing, and I swear he orchestrated this. I honestly don’t care if he did; it makes it more perfect in my eyes.
Gliding back and forth effortlessly, I am quite receptive when he bends his head and kisses me for the second time in my life. I have to admit, they both were wonderful, and the warm feeling in my body comes back full force, but now it is like a searing heat. It makes me want to rip all my clothes off and give into this feeling.
His kisses move away from my mouth, down my neck to my collarbone. “Tell me to stop,” he says.
Hell no, is he out of his mind? I don’t know what this is, but for once I am putting my walls down and doing what Teryn wants. I don’t answer him verbally, but I kiss his cheek, his temple, anywhere my lips can reach. He scoops me up and carries me inside. I toss my shoes at the end of the staircase as we make our way up them. Once inside my bedroom, he slides me down him, and I feel every glorious inch. If I would stop and catch my breath I would realize this isn’t the smartest thing for me, but I go with it.
Stripping each other gently, caressing in between removing articles of clothing, I realize how glorious he is. I have never studied a naked man, but I want to sculpt him, each curve, every muscle. The way he flexes and quivers in response to my touch is a natural aphrodisiac, and I am drunk on it.
We make our way gently to the bed and he takes my mouth again. I know he is holding back, being gentle with me, and I will treasure that gift forever. He slowly enters me, and it is uncomfortable. But at the same time, I have a feeling of being full and whole. He gently starts moving, and reaches down between us, and rubs me, and the warm feeling is now mixed with tingles, and I feel like I am going to burst. Before I know it I am exploding and convulsing around him. I have the most euphoric feeling, and I don’t want it to ever end. He thrusts a few more times and empties himself inside of me; then it dawns on me what we just did, and I realize that it didn’t make me feel dirty.
I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I let this happen. Sex is not a good thing. I have always associated it as a violation, searing pain, and emotional crumbling. Although I have never been taken gently and in that hole, either. He is still holding me, and I feel claustrophobic. He must notice me shivering, and he tries to pull me closer, and I freak the fuck out. I start clawing at him, screaming, crying and not making sense. He tries to subdue me, and I go to a place in my mind when I was restrained and couldn’t fight back. I can now, and I do.
Eventually I tire myself out, and I shut down and not have to deal with the aftermath of what happened, but before blackness seeps in I see a look of despair and pain so deep in Dustin’s eyes. I feel him dressing me and gently placing me under the covers, the whole time not speaking a word. I can’t help but think, as I let the darkness take me, that I literally just threw my entire future away.
Chapter 8
Dustin
I have no clue what just happened. One second I am experiencing one of the most phenomenal sexual experiences of my life, and the next second I am dodging blows, nails, and seeing Teryn fall apart in front of me. She shut down and went to a place I didn’t want to think about. What could have happened that made her react like that? As many different scenarios float through my mind, and the bile threatens to erupt from my mouth, I quickly shut those thoughts down. She would have told me if she was hurt in that way. She never mentioned it in the counseling sessions I was in. The fact she asked me to leave the first day when she talked to Mitch and Max at the police station is nagging in the back of my mind, but I push those thoughts away. I just can’t believe that happened to her, although I know there is no other excuse.
Once I think she is finally passed out, I get up to call Brielle to come over here. I know it is a chicken shit move, but I can’t be here right now. Something about me threw her in a tailspin, and I cannot witness it again. I feel the blood dripping down my cheek, and I know I have multiple cuts and scrapes on my hands and arms from her teeth. I have never seen anyone react like that. It was worse than a caged animal and almost as heartbreaking as the day we put my grandparents in the ground. I have never felt fear, anger, sadness, and confusion like that. I didn’t know what to do with her or for her. Obviously holding her was the wrong thing.
I didn’t tell Brielle anything other than to come over to the farmhouse and hurry up. I hear more than one set of feet running up the steps, and before they can take the door off the hinges and wake her up, I step on the porch. I guess I look worse than I thought because Mitch cusses under his breath, and Colby grabs Brielle and pushes her behind him. “What the hell happened, Dustin?” Colby is visibly concerned that there is imminent danger to his wife.
“Teryn freaked out, and she has finally passed out. I don’t know what happened, and I couldn’t control her.” They all visibly relax, but then relaxation is replaced with concern.
Brielle takes my chin in her hand and starts looking at the cuts on my face, “I don’t think you need stitches, but a couple are deep. Go back to my house and have Cooper clean you up. I am calling Melanie here. Something triggered this episode. I have been waiting for her to explode. I just didn’t want you around to witness it. How are you holding up?”
“I am fucking terrified. I didn’t know what to do.” She shakes her head at me and turns to call Melanie. I tell her I am not leaving, and Coop can come with her. The silence is actually stifling. Without saying anything, we all realize that this is the moment that we have been waiting on eggshells for.
Melanie and Cooper arrive within minutes, and the questions start in rapid-fire succession from Melanie. “What happened right before she freaked? Is she hurt? How did you subdue her? Is she a danger to anyone else?” That last question made me see red.
“She wasn’t a danger to me or anyone else, Melanie,” I spit at her. How dare she think that girl upstairs fighting whatever she is fighting is a danger.
“Calm down, D. I didn’t mean it in a bad way, but if someone has a psychotic break like you explained, you can’t be sure, and I don’t want her to harm herself.”
“I haven’t really explained anything. You are assuming a lot.”
“Can you explain and answer my questions?” She must see me hesitate. I don’t want to explain that after one of the most intimate moments you can share, she lost
her shit and beat my ass with no explanation. “Come inside and the guys can go get the first aid kit,” she directs to them. Luckily, they all head out, leaving Brielle and Melanie staring at me.
Taking a deep breath to try and control my voice, I begin, “Things were going great tonight, she had finally let her guard down, or so I thought. She initiated contact and touching. One thing led to another, and I made love to her, then the next thing I know she is screaming and sobbing, thrashing around and striking out at whatever she could reach. I didn’t know what to do.” By now I can’t stop the tears. I am so weak. I feel the guilt of the situation. What did I do wrong? “I didn’t mean for anything like this to happen, and I should have stopped it. I should have known she wasn’t ready. What if I ruined her?” Melanie is telling me over and over that there is nothing I did wrong, and Brielle reaches out for me, but I can’t have her console me after just sending the girl I love further into a never ending nightmare.
“Dustin, listen to me. You didn’t do anything wrong. I promise. I watched you both tonight, and she seemed grounded in the present. I don’t know what has happened to her, but you need to prepare yourself for the worst. I am telling you this is a breakdown of someone that has been violated in very harsh and cruel ways. I think her memories got the best of her. I am going to go upstairs and check on her. Sit with her. She doesn’t need to be alone when she wakes up, and I am sorry to say this, but you don’t need to be the first person she sees. It will all be very real for her, but at the same time she will wonder if her mind is playing tricks on her. The best thing you can do for both of you is go home, and I will see you in the morning.” I don’t want to leave her. It goes against every natural instinct I have to protect her, to be what she needs, but what happens if what I represent to her now, is what she is running from?
After the guys get back and patch me up, I make my way slowly to Addison and Tyler’s and enter as quietly as I can. I don’t want to wake the twins up, and I don’t want to deal with anyone. Tyler and Addison are sitting up, and she immediately jumps up to me when she sees the marks on me. “What happened to you?”
“It is a long story that involves Teryn and her having some kind of break in her mind. Melanie is over there with her now, although she isn’t awake. I just don’t have it in me to deal with it all over again.” I don’t want to shut my sister out, but I know if push comes to shove, she can find out from Brielle. I just keep replaying in my mind every move, every sound, every touch she made that led to the moment she freaked out, and I don’t think I read any signals wrong. I don’t think she was ever raped, because she was still a virgin when I took her. Holy shit! I didn’t use protection, and I know she isn’t on anything. She doesn’t even know about that stuff I don’t think. Great Dustin, you took a fucked-up situation, threw gasoline on it, and lit a match.
Addison just hugs me and kisses my cheek. “Whatever you need, little brother, I am here. We all are. Lean on us if you need us, don’t do it alone.” I get what she is saying, but nobody can help me. I don’t even know what I am dealing with.
“Come have a beer with me and relax your mind.” Tyler says to me.
Addison whips her head around to glare at him. “Way to contribute to the delinquency of a minor jackass.”
He just chuckles, “He has your, Brielle, and Cambree’s DNA coursing through his veins. I am pretty sure the delinquent part is a given. It’s a beer, Addison, not a fucking keg of moonshine.” He must have made his point because she makes her excuses to go upstairs and leave us alone.
I missed most of the drama of them getting back together, becoming the family they were always meant to be, but Tyler was the one constant in my life for so many years. I take the beer he offers and fall back onto the couch, wishing my mind would erase my last memories of Teryn. The terror and fear radiating from her beautiful face is enough to make me sick to my stomach.
“Want to talk about it?” Tyler asks. He won’t push. He will just listen and not offer words of wisdom, mostly because he doesn’t have many.
“Not really, but I think I need to.” I proceed to tell him the story and don’t leave anything out. I tell him how scared I was, how I felt like I was hurting her as I was trying to subdue her, how every cut, kick, hit and bite she inflicted on me I felt in my heart because there was nothing I could do for her. I tell him I honestly felt this was my fault. If I would have not had sex with her, none of this would have happened. He sits there and takes it all in. And I am shocked at his response.
He reaches over and fumbles with their iPod dock, and before playing a song, he turns to me. “Dustin, I can’t tell you anything you want to hear right now. I can tell you what you need to hear, though. She is beautiful, and you love her. I see it, hell, everyone sees it. She loves you, too. You did nothing wrong tonight, and she didn’t either. It happened and you both had no control over what led to what happened tonight. Did you do anything wrong? No, you had no clue what you were getting involved in. None of us were certain about every aspect of her torment and how deeply her secrets have affected her. We only know what she shares and we knew that was deep and painful. Is she to blame? Fuck, no. She is more innocent in this than everybody. I wish we all could have seen this coming, but when she clams up and won’t share, we can’t read her mind. Do I wish you wouldn’t have had sex with her tonight? You bet I do, but I don’t think if I were in your situation I would have done anything differently. What happened tonight was going to happen one day very soon, so now we know. I am telling you she needs to go to a treatment facility where she doesn’t have you, Brielle, and Addison protecting her at every turn. She has to deal with the traumas in her life, or she will never heal, and you have to face that. She has to be able to stand on her own two feet before she can take your hand willingly and stand by your side. It may never work out, and I know that hurts. I wondered the same thing with Addison, and I felt like I was drinking acid and swallowing razor blades for months, but all I can tell you is that whatever happens, happens for a reason. It isn’t up to us to understand it or make sense of it, we just have to let it happen and go on from there. You have to make the decision if you love her enough to let her go and learn how to truly live life without breathing air into her. Only you can make that decision, and I am telling you, be smart about it. Whatever you decide, it is going to change the path of the rest of your life, either way. And remember, we are here for you, don’t be too proud to ask for help.”
Before he leaves the room he starts ‘I Believe’ by Christina Perri, and I can only nurse my beer and wonder if he has put too much faith in me. I know I am not strong enough to send her away. How would she feel? I don’t want her to ever feel trapped or unwanted again, and that is the message I would be sending. If I make that choice, will she ever forgive me? Will she remain closed off and always remember the boy who saved her as the man who discarded her? I know that isn’t what I will be doing, but I am seeing it from her point of view. What happens if I keep her here and she continues to deteriorate? That is no life to have, and I would never forgive myself. So do I chance helping her heal and moving forward, but never forgiving me, or do I let her continue down this path in her comfort zone and hate myself a little more each day? There is no easy answer, and I don’t know if I am strong enough for either choice.
Chapter 9
Brielle
Seeing Dustin walk away so defeated in love and life was the worst moment of my life. I would relive every heartache and nightmare to spare him from this. I turn and look at Melanie and see the tears shining in her eyes.
“When did our boy grow up?” she murmurs.
“I think it was sometime between learning our parents were the pathetic waste of space we all knew they were and finding Teryn and seeing how wounded and fragile she is. Somewhere in that time span, he traded all the dreams I had for him of being a fun- loving, carefree, college kid, to become a wounded soul, who is about to face the biggest heartache of his life. I know you are about to tell me something I don
’t want to hear.”
“B, she needs help. More than you are giving her, more than the counselor she is seeing is able to provide in an outpatient setting. She needs extensive behavioral therapy. The psychologists have to be able to reshape her way of thinking, work on her negative thought process, and learn her triggers. She will have to be in a state of mind to open up and be honest, and when she is here, she just can’t do that. She is keeping a piece of herself locked away from everyone. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t like where my thought process is taking me, but Brielle, I am pretty sure it was the stuff of horror stories.”
I ponder what she said for a while. I know she is right, but I have also heard all of Teryn’s fears about being “locked away,” and that terrifies her more than her demons. “Melanie, I hear you, and I don’t disagree with you, but I also can’t force this decision on her. She is terrified of losing control, and that is something I understand. Not to the magnitude she does, but having your trust shattered and your faith in people destroyed is something that takes time to overcome. Can’t we wait and talk to her therapist and see if there are any other options?”
Parker Sibling Series Box Set Page 57
