I just drive around town for a while ignoring all the beeps coming from my phone. I know I am acting like a child, but I also know every one of my sisters is calling or texting me right now, and then when I don’t answer they are getting their significant others to join in on the manhunt. Sometimes I hate having family businesses, everybody is reporting to Brielle or Addison. I hit my steering wheel out of pure frustration and hurt. I don’t know what else to do to reach Teryn. Do I walk away; explore schools for soccer, essentially letting her do what she wants, which is living a life without me? I am so damn confused. One second she looks at me like I could be her whole world, and then next she is a shell of a person, perfectly put together and not allowing herself to feel.
I decided to pull in and get a twelve pack of beer from the bar. The only perk of being an owner is being able to stop in here for whatever I want. Well, that and the bar back keeps his mouth shut if I pass him a fifty. I know it is a dangerous path I am heading down, but I just need to be numb for a little while. I make my best decisions while drunk, although others may disagree. I throw the beer in the car, and head back to the homestead. There are so many places to get lost on this land. It is just what I need at this moment. My phone is still going off, so I answer it. Luckily, it is Cambree, and she doesn’t give me as much shit as the others.
“Hey, where are you? We heard you and Teryn had a heated argument.” She doesn’t even attempt to hide why she is calling.
“I am just driving. I need some time alone right now. Put some things in perspective.” I sigh, but I know she will let it go.
“Okay, call me if you need me. Love you.” Hopefully that will satisfy the other vipers, and they will leave me the fuck alone so I can get drunk and wallow in self-pity.
I reach the destination I am searching for, my own little slice of heaven. Behind the dirt track we have there is a crest, and if you climb right to the top you can see everything. I seem to be looking out at my whole world and yet there is not one space I feel like I fit. I don’t understand it. I am so blessed. I have an amazing support group in my siblings with their spouses. We would do anything for each other. Mitch is new to the sibling fold, but he is not unwelcome at all. We love hard, laugh hard, fight hard, but we live even harder, all together. I feel like a fucking Three Musketeer, one for all and all for one. They give me the support and love I need, sometimes the space I crave, but I just can’t shake this feeling that I need more. What I need is attached to a raven-haired beauty and she isn’t sharing her heart that easily.
Sitting there looking out at everything that is home to me, my mind drifts back to my grandfather. I wish I could remember his voice, or some piece of advice he gave me. I have my pick of male role models, but for me, I just want the one I can’t have. Even if it was a simple clap on the shoulder, a hidden smile, a look with that twinkle in his eye, or a full-out lecture, you knew he was there for you. He never let a day go by that I would ever question his love, and for that I know I should be grateful. It should be enough, but right now it isn’t. I want to walk in the kitchen and see him stealing cookies, or bitching about soap operas on the television. I want to hear him tell us, including my grandmother, that he loves us. I want him to yell at us for doing something wrong. It is funny I can remember all those things, but I can’t remember the sound of his voice. I can clearly hear my grandmother’s voice, telling me she loved me, fixing my hair, tying my shoes, and feeding us.
As I grab another beer to drown out these thoughts, my phone alerts me to a new text message.
Sista B: Manny called, please don’t drive and drink.
Me: Not—I am sitting behind dirt track drinking my problems away
Sista B: Not cool but you are an adult. Don’t do anything stupid and I love you.
Me: Love you 2—don’t worry.
I should have known that wouldn’t be the end of it with her, because she sends me Avril Lavigne ‘Slipped Away,’ and no amount of liquid courage could numb me from the pain of that song. I don’t know how she gets what I am feeling, but I can always count on Brielle to be in tune with everyone.
After finishing off the beer, I stumble down the hill and make my way to Addison and Tyler’s, and I have to walk right past the farmhouse. I notice Teryn’s bedroom light is still on, and I know it is because she is afraid of the dark and the terrors it brings. All she has to do is let me in, and I swear I would figure out how to slay those demons for her . . . or die trying.
“You can’t fix it,” I hear from behind me. I turn and see Mitch is walking up.
“What are you still doing here?” I didn’t realize how late it had gotten until I saw everyone else’s houses are dark.
“Waiting on you, wanted to see with my own eyes you were okay.”
“I’m good, man. You can go home to Kayleigh and Lukas.” I don’t want to have this conversation with him, or anyone. This is my problem to work out.
“Instead of getting piss drunk, why don’t you utilize the people you have here? We were all worried about you.”
I am getting angry now, and drunk and angry Dustin is not something I want to project on anyone. “I get it, you’re doing your brotherly thing here, but why don’t you let me work out what I need, in my way.” I hope he drops it. Nope, he and Brielle are more alike than they realize.
“Besides the fact that I am a cop and you are underage, I am your brother. I went a long damn time without that knowledge and even longer having to hide it. I missed eighteen damn years of your life, and I am sorry if I want to make up for lost time. You don’t have the market on angry, Dustin. It is how you handle that anger and pain that makes you the man you want to be.” He turns to walk away but quickly stops, “I am pissed at you, myself, and the circumstances, but I will never leave in anger without you knowing I love you.” He disappears through the tree line, and the tears I have been holding back all night break through and soak my cheeks. I glance up and see Teryn has been watching this whole exchange, and she places her hands on the window pane. That window pane seems to represent the wall she won’t let down; I wish it was as easy as the glass she is touching to break, but lately it seems like it is reinforced by steel. Her eyes don’t carry the light they usually do; there is no sparkle or curiosity in them. Her thin lips are drawn into a tight line, slightly turned down in a frown, and she is just staring at me. In regret or pity I am not sure.
I turn away from her. I don’t want to see that look on her face. I never want her to regret me, how I found her, or how I saved her. Now I need to listen to everyone and let her save herself.
Chapter 7
Teryn
To say the last few weeks have been tense would be an understatement. I have avoided the elephant in the room and that is Dustin is doing exactly what I asked of him and leaving me alone. He phrased it as “letting me figure me out,” but I have found that is exactly what I didn’t want. I am so damn confused I don’t know how I can stand to be around myself. If I said my counseling session went well, I would be lying. Cambree and Max’s wedding is today, and my counselor recommended I see her before the ceremony so I can talk through my issues and go in relaxed. I am wondering if her degrees were printed from the Internet.
When I try and explain my feelings and the push and pull with Dustin she said, “Only Teryn can tell you what she wants, and she shouldn’t be afraid to vocalize her feelings. So tell me, what does Teryn want?” My answer was simple, “Teryn doesn’t like referring to herself in the third person, so can we stop.” Not what she was expecting from me, but I actually got her to laugh. I have learned that I like to cuss, a lot. It makes me feel free, a little rebellious. I know; I am really living on the wild side lately. I am feeling more frazzled after my appointment and just want to skip the ceremony all together, but that would hurt too many feelings.
I approach quietly, trying not to draw attention to myself. I am uncomfortable having had my hair and make-up done, arranged by Addison. The dress Cambree picked out, and it shocks me that she has
been trying to become my friend lately. She has never been rude, but more stand-offish than her sisters. Through the grapevine, I heard it is because she was having a hard time admitting her feelings to Max, then the bombshell about Mitch being their brother and her resemblance to Hope, Mitch and Max’s dead sister. Oh let’s not forget, a death directly to be blamed on my father. The case is still on-going, except Mr. Parker has dropped his support, and my father is still sitting in a cell. I hope he dies in there, slowly and painfully. I try to shake these unpleasant thoughts and enjoy the beautiful occasion about to start.
I catch Dustin staring at me across the aisle where he is preparing to walk Cambree down the aisle. All the men minus Max are walking her down, which is truly exceptional in my mind. I don’t think I will ever find a groom, let alone a posse to walk me down the aisle. I am going to be brave and save Dustin a seat next to me, and I let him know by pointing to the seat. The grin that he gives me in return is all the reason I need to let go for tonight. I have brought him regret, pain, and sorrow, so to be able to bring him some joy is my mission.
I met Cooper and Melanie Reed earlier, and she creeps me out. She is constantly studying me like I am her Jesus, and she needs to be saved. Later Brielle explained she is a psychologist, and she had explained some of what happened to me but was worried I would be upset. No, why would I be upset that one more person knows I am a circus freak? Of course, I didn’t say it out loud and that it is what my own psychologist would have called “negative thinking,” and once again suggested a treatment facility that offers Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. I explained to her that being locked up anywhere with people I didn’t know would not be the best thing for me. I have real life experience in that, and it didn’t work so well, hence the hours in therapy that still aren’t making a dent in my confuzzled mind.
In all the daydreaming and reminiscing of what seems like a past life, I didn’t realize the ceremony was beginning. Watching all the siblings together is something so beautiful, and I am thankful that I get to experience this. It gives me hope. They aren’t perfect, really I think they need to be in therapy more than I do, but Brielle just tells me all the time they are beyond couch time, so I drop it. I really study Max as he gets his first glance of Cambree. The utter look of love and devotion is stunning. You can tell he lives for her. There is no doubting his love for her; what that must feel like, I can only imagine. I see it in each of the couples and the way they look at one another. Not to mention the sibling bond is astonishing. They fight and love with the same fierce love and determination. I just want to be a part of something like that . . . not an outsider only here for a moment.
Once Max reaches for Cambree’s hand, Dustin makes his way over to the seat I saved for him. He looks quite handsome in his khaki pants and light blue button-up shirt. It highlights the blue of his eyes, and I wonder why he wastes his time with me. He could have any woman he wants; yet he allows me to abuse him and his kindness time and time again. I know I am doing it, but I don’t know how to stop. I have told myself countless times to quit being a bitch, but I let my negative thoughts run my brain and repeat the cycle. My biggest fear is repeating the cycle of my father, and I can’t admit that to anyone.
He leans over to my ear and whispers, “You look beautiful.” He accidently let his mouth linger on my ear, and I have goose bumps. Extreme heat engulfs me. Not an uncomfortable feeling, but nothing I have ever experienced.
I tell him just as quietly, but not as close as he did, “You look dapper yourself.” He chuckles under his breath. He must want to get a mouth full of my fist; he knows I hate it when people laugh at me. It reminds me of my father and his cronies laughing at me, while tormenting me. He must notice my shift in demeanor and know he is about to get knocked the fuck out.
“Relax, beautiful. It just caught me off guard. Dapper is not a common word.”
“Well, I am not a common person. And it is simply a synonym for handsome.”
I can tell he is about to start laughing again, but somehow he withholds, which is a good thing. My vocabulary and the way I speak are very stiff, almost formal-like, and I am trying to loosen up on my regimen. I do occasionally add in a curse word, and Tyler has been trying to teach me some new ‘lingo,’ as he puts it. Not enough to sound like a hood rat he said, but enough to make me not sound like I am from the Victorian era. Those are his words, which from Brielle’s point of view aren’t always the smartest. Addison told him I don’t need street-cred, but that was over my head. I have no idea what that means.
Out of all the guys, Colby is the one that I find myself relaxing with the most. He is so patient and quiet, until Brielle riles him up. Tyler is goofy, but I don’t know what half of what he says means, so I can’t carry on a conversation with him. That is not unusual, or so I am told. Mitch and Max are the ones who know some of my dark secrets, and I see the look of disgust they give me. Nobody else notices it so I don’t draw attention to it, but I try to avoid them. Dustin looks at me with wariness now. He used to look at me like he wanted to be with me, and really pay attention to me, now he is just indifferent.
As Max bends down and captures Cambree’s lips, an audible sigh is heard all around. It is simply beautiful. They could even make the doubters believe in love. Luckily the reception is nothing formal, just a backyard party. Another thing I am not used to. With all their money, they don’t flaunt it. They are more comfortable sitting around with each other, grilling out and drinking beer. My father was always so opulent about our surroundings and didn’t like to seem common. Here, you are lucky to get a burger before the dog does. Or the ten second rule they have; I shudder at eating food that has touched the ground, but I have heard “ten second rule” more times than I can count. Apparently it means that if the food hasn’t been on the dirtyass ground longer than ten seconds it is deemed safe. “God made dirt, dirt don’t hurt” is another favorite. Until I replied with “God made my dirt bag father, and he sure as hell hurts.” I ruined another moment with that.
The worst of them all, let me tell you, is when Brielle or Addison lick their finger and wipe something off their kids’ faces. That gives an all-new meaning to spit shine. I can promise you I will never do that if I ever have kids. This family is like a living rule book on what not to do, but then maybe not because they all love one another, and fit in society quite well. The Parker name is well-liked and well-known in the area, and I am truly in awe of the love and support they have in the community.
Dustin takes my hand and weaves our hands together to begin walking to Brielle and Colby’s backyard. They have a pool, and like I said, a laid back reception. The gesture of holding hands is new to me and I feel that warm feeling throughout my body again.
“What are you so deep in thought about?” he asks me, casually, as if we discuss our feelings and thoughts every day.
“Your family, and the connection they have with one another,” I answer truthfully with a hint of yearning in my voice.
“Oh, thinking of my family and analyzing us will add years of therapy. Don’t do that to yourself.” He is just joking because I know what he did to protect his sisters; he would lay down his life for them and not think twice. I smile at him and shake my head, calling his bluff.
Walking past the coolers, Dustin snags two beers and opens them and hands one to me. We aren’t old enough to drink, but neither is the bride, so I don’t think anyone will say much. Besides, I don’t plan to get drunk. Taking a sip, I immediately spit it out thinking I have just swallowed some kind of animal feces.
“Hey, that is alcohol abuse,” Tyler jokes behind me.
“No, that was an abuse of my taste buds. That tasted like panther piss,” I tell him, certain that somebody let this shit spoil. I hope nobody gets sick.
I look around to see all the guys laughing at me. “It is an acquired taste, Teryn,” Colby tells me.
Acquired? Who the hell wants that? “I want to acquire a taste for that like I want to acquire a criminal record and a
two-headed, bearded dragon.”
“You have a great sense of humor when you get pissed, no wonder you fit in so well around here,” Mitch tells me. I don’t find it amusing that the day Dustin and I are actually getting along he tries to kill me. Speak of the devil, he reaches over and takes my beer and hands it to Tyler.
“Let’s get some food and I will see if I can find something better suited to your taste buds,” he jokes. I just flip him the bird and he grumbles, “I am going to kill Brielle.”
Eating our fill and listening to Brielle sing is like nothing I have ever experienced. I have heard her sing around the house and along with the radio, but listening to her full-out sing with music behind her is truly peaceful. Cambree comes up and pulls Dustin on the dance floor, and I can tell they are in sync.
I feel someone tap on my shoulder. “Can I have this dance?” I don’t know how to answer that. I have never danced in my life, and I don’t want any hands on me. “I promise it will just be a dance, and I won’t touch you below your shoulders.” Awkward, but I agree.
As he pulls me out on the floor I catch Dustin’s eye, and he winks at me. Warm feelings surface again. ‘A Little Bit Stronger’ by Sara Evans starts playing, and Mitch mumbles, “Sounds like you each day, Teryn, you get up and keep going. I am proud of you.”
I am speechless for a minute. “Proud of me? You look at me with disgust. I am guessing that is because you heard some of the darkest parts of my life in that interrogation room.”
He stops moving for a moment, breaking our rhythm. He composes himself, “Disgust? Girl, you are blind. I look at you with pride and astonishment. You endured some of the worst things in life, and at the hands of the man who was supposed to protect you. Having nobody but yourself to depend on, you beat the odds. Hope didn’t, and I don’t blame her, not one bit. But you, special girl, you are the epitome of bravery. I look at you with admiration and pride. I am not your family, but when you came into this fold, you became my family; just like Kayleigh, Tyler, Addison, Colby, Brielle, Max, Cambree, Dustin, and all the kids. You are no different in my eyes. I wish I could make you see what we see. We aren’t envious of the way you were raised, that hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but I am envious of your inner strength. Once you realize your worth, I can’t wait to sit on the sidelines and see the hell you will cause. You truly are a special girl, Teryn. The best revenge you could ever exact on your father is not letting him win, and you did that.”
Parker Sibling Series Box Set Page 56
