My thoughts don’t stay there long because Brielle jumps on the stage and gets everyone’s attention. She is preparing to sing for us, and I decided to make my way to the bathroom really quickly so I don’t miss the show. It doesn’t matter how many times Colby sees her up on the stage, he momentarily loses his mind every single time, and it is hilarious to watch. Passing Tara, I let her know where I am going, and she just nods at me and says, “Are we leaving soon?” I sigh and tell her just another hour.
After finishing up in the bathroom, and walking out I notice it has become packed in the last five minutes, and I wonder why everyone showed up. I can see Brielle on the stage, but I can’t see what has her attention. When she starts singing ‘Brave’ by Sara Bareilles and directing her attention to her left, I crane my neck and try to push past the wall of people to see what is going on.
As the song is ending, I find myself face to face with Teryn. She is a vision standing in front of me, and I wonder if I am creating her in my mind. I reach out and touch her cheek, and our eyes are locked. Before I can speak, Tara is at my side. “Who is this?” For some reason her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard.
Teryn turns and meets her gaze and announces, “I am Teryn. You must be Tara.”
I find my voice, “What are you doing here?”
“Do you love me?” she asks me. I don’t get a chance to answer.
Tara shrieks, “I am his fiancé, what kind of question is that?”
Teryn looks to her, “The kind I just asked,” looking back to me, she asks me again, “Do.You.Love.Me?” enunciating every word.
“I told you . . . forever,” I can’t stop the words before they tumble out. Tara gasps, and I realize I am in a hell of a predicament and don’t know how I found myself here.
Teryn throws an envelope at my fiancé and says, “Dustin, it seems your girl here has not been honest with you. Where do you want me to start? Oh, first, she knows exactly who I am, according to her best friend, Laura. The same best friend who spilled the beans that she wasn’t raped or attacked that night back in October, but instead used it as a ploy to get you back when you broke up with her. So, to answer your question about what I am doing here. I am here to save you from yourself, like you did for me not too long ago. Call us even.” She stares at me, silently begging me to say something. I am too stunned to move, to speak, to reach out and hold her to me like I crave. I don’t give her what she needs she turns to leave.
Before she gets two steps away she turns and the tears marring her face are almost my undoing, but I have to be strong. I may not be getting married, but I also know having Teryn isn’t an option. She is returning a favor, saving me from the woman next to me. “I loved you, Dustin Parker, so much. No, let me rephrase that, I love you, present tense. I left to become a whole person and become someone who could stand beside you as an equal, not someone you had to hold up. I worked my ass off daily to be able to come back to what you promised me, and when it mattered, you took that dream away from me. I have had lots of shitty things happen in my life, but when I realized you were not the man I dreamed of, that was the worst of them all. I never left you, I left for me, and I envisioned the day I would see you again, and in all my nightmares it wasn’t like this. I am sorry for any hurt and confusion I caused you, but I can’t apologize for making myself strong. I came in here searching for a future, just a glimmer of hope that you still meant what you said to me over a year ago, and by your silence and refusal to meet me halfway, I realize you were never my reality . . . you were just my fantasy. ” As quickly as she was in front of me, she is gone.
I hear murmurs about packing Tara’s stuff, and getting her to the airport, and I can’t focus on any of that. All I can see is her walking away again. “DAMN IT!” I shout.
“Don’t blame anyone but yourself, D. She walked in here after finding out what she did, she laid her heart and dignity on the line, and you did nothing. She was asking for your forgiveness, and you didn’t give it to her. She wanted to be the one to save you, she wanted to be the one you turned to, and instead you turned away by not speaking up,” Tyler tells me.
Did I just shut her out? I was stunned, and at the time I couldn’t imagine taking that risk again, but now I can’t believe I didn’t jump through hoops for her. She did for me. I have to find her. I turn and look to Addison desperately. She is the most level-headed of them all. “Knoxville, I will text you the address,” she tells me, and I take off to my car, leaving my nightmare, surrounded by my family, and hopefully I am chasing my dream, my fantasy, my future, my forever.
Chapter 32
Teryn
I barely make it out to my car because I can’t see with the tears flooding my eyes. I can’t catch my breath, and all my coping techniques have gone right out the window. I’m gasping for air and fumbling with my keys at the same time and I know it isn’t smart to drive but I have to get out of here. I saved him, but in turn he rejected me. Not the outcome I was hoping for when I talked myself into this. Everyone was so sure he would still want me but as I silently begged him to say something, he remained silent.
If anything, I gave them their family back without that blood-sucking viper ruining it. I talk to myself, counting and trying breathing exercises, but all that does is cause my vision to blur and make me light-headed. Leaning against the door to my car, I embrace the pain. I sink down and sob. I am sure I will hyper-ventilate outside in this parking lot, but I can’t bring myself to care. I keep telling myself I am not giving up on me . . . that no matter what he decides I have to take care of me. Embrace your feelings, process them, and then deal with them. The three steps I have come to rely on are now slipping through my fingers, and I can’t get a grasp on my sanity. I thought leaving him a little over a year ago was hard, but this is far worse. Back then I wasn’t confident in myself and what I could offer him. I wasn’t sure I was in love, but tonight, there is no doubt that I love him.
I must have lost track of my surroundings and blocked out all sounds, because when the gravel next to me shifts, it startles me. I look up into the face of the man who completes me, yet continues to tear me in two. I wish we could figure out how to blend together, mesh into one, but it seems one of us is always on the wrong chapter in our life.
I wish I could make myself ask him why he is here, but I can’t form words because I can barely breathe. He must see my struggle because he joins me on the ground and pulls me to his lap, “Breathe. In and out. Come on, beautiful girl, calm down for me,” he whispers as he holds on to me like he has no desire to let me go. I could crawl in him and exist only in his arms. Surprisingly, his words do calm me but not completely. He is still the unknown to me. The elusive soul I love, desire, and would move heaven and earth to be with, but the same one who leaves me unsure, nervous, and confused of where our paths will take us. All I know is wherever he leads me, I will follow.
Taking several deep breaths, my vision is clearing, but my tears won’t stop. Even through the months of therapy and the tears I shed in there, I never felt completely vulnerable like I do in his arms. Part of it I am sure is that I don’t know why he followed me outside. The hopeful part of me was wishing for him to claim me, and the other part of my brain, the one that I still struggle with, is telling me that there is no way he still wants me after what we have been through. I need to unburden myself from these thoughts. “Why are you here, Dustin?”
“I was coming after you, and I didn’t have to go far. Just know that there is no place I wouldn’t travel to get to you. I promised you forever, and I almost broke that vow. Never again. I pledge myself to you right here, right now, and forever.”
I can’t believe he just said those words to me. It is cathartic for me, and I truly feel free. He is releasing me from every doubt and fear, letting me truly soar like the bird he had etched on his skin. “You are my only. The only man I have ever, or will ever love. You have been my shelter from the storms in life, on my darkest day, your memory brought light to my life, hoping
you were going to be there at the end helped me get to the other side. I love you, Dustin Parker. Eternity is not long enough for me.” I crash my lips to his and rejoice in the peace that has overcome my limbs.
He has a death grip on my waist, and I have no desire for him to let go. He is grounding me to him, anchoring me to this love we both desperately want. He pulls away first and leans his head into mine and breathes me in. When I notice a tear streaming down his face, I lean in and kiss it away. “Why the tears?” I don’t want to be the source of pain for him.
“Relief, joy, fear. All of them. I can’t believe you are back in my arms, and I don’t want to do anything to push you away again but I am so scared that when I wake up tomorrow, it will be like last year, and you will be gone.” What did I do to him?
“Please, I didn’t leave you. That was never my intention, and I didn’t have the capabilities last year to explain that. For that, I am sorry. I am not sorry for getting help, if I hadn’t we would not be in the place we are right now. I promise tomorrow when you wake up, I hope to still be in your arms.” He still has doubt in his eyes, but I will prove it to him. I didn’t really think about what he must have felt when I left, but at that point in my life I wouldn’t have understood.
He gently gives me a kiss on my lips. “Let’s go inside for a little while.”
“Is that going to cause problems for you?” He knows I am talking about Tara.
“With you by my side, beautiful girl, I have no problems. I don’t want to stay long, but I want my sisters to see you for a minute, then we have a long night in front of us.”
“I like the sound of that.” With my flirty voice, he freezes. When he pales and tries to pull away, I know he is remembering that night. “Hey, its fine. We need to talk, I know. I was just playing around. There are lots of things you still need to learn about me Mr. Parker.” I wink at him, and he can’t stop the smile that breaks out on his face.
“I have a feeling you are going to keep me on my toes,” he says while shaking his head. This moment is so surreal to me, holding hands, bantering, and laughing with each other.
We make our way into the bar and head right towards his family, minus Tara. Brielle, Cambree, Addison, and Kayleigh bombard me, and I am wrapped up in their arms. It feels amazing, until Dustin starts pulling them off of me. He has a lot to learn about me. “It is fine, Dustin,” I tell him. He doesn’t realize how far I have come, that touch doesn’t send me running for the hills, and loud noises don’t make me feel like I need a strait jacket. I shock him when I hug Colby, Mitch, Tyler, and even Max. The look on his face is priceless. “I told you, so much to learn. You not only get the girl you fell in love with, but lots of added bonuses.”
“Stay away from my sisters, please. I will have my hands full with you, and I don’t need any undue influences helping you out.”
“Spoil sport,” Addison teases. We are so busy laughing and catching up that I don’t notice that Brielle and Dustin slipped away. I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see his eyes focused on me and his hand extended.
“Dance with me?” I nod and allow him to pull me close. We don’t really go to the dance floor, instead we just embrace where we were standing and sway together until I hear the song. ‘Stay With Me’ by Sam Smith, and I cry again.
“I will always stay with you,” I tell him honestly. There are no other words I could say. We wrap up our evening and head out to leave. I tell him I will follow him back to the ranch, and he doesn’t let go of my hand. “What?”
“I am afraid to let you go.” I decide to give him what he needs at the moment.
“Fine, we can ride together, you can bring me back tomorrow and get my car.” He looks like a little kid the way he suddenly has a bounce in his step. “I have tomorrow off, but I have to head back Sunday to get ready for work.” Now, he looks like a little boy who just got his lollipop taken away.
“Job? What are you doing in Knoxville?”
“You really don’t know?” I am shocked.
“I am ashamed to admit it, but they weren’t allowed to share information about you. If I didn’t know then I felt like I wouldn’t ruin you.”
“You could never ruin me, you build me up.” Neither of us says a word on the way to the property. When we pull up in front of a trailer I ask, “Where are we?”
“After you left, I had to have space. I bought it before I went to school.” He must notice my apprehension about entering, knowing he had shared this space with her, and was planning on living here with her. “Hey, we can go anywhere you want, as long as we are together.”
I know it is petty and everyone has a past, but in this case his future and present are mixing, and I don’t like it. “Can we go to my condo? It is only about forty minutes from here.” He tells me to hang on a minute and comes back with a duffle bag over flowing. I plug my address in his GPS and lay my head back on the seat and doze off. I wake up as we pull up in my driveway, and we make our way up to my front door. I never thought he would be walking through this door, let alone with me. I smile at him and kiss his cheek.
Once I give him the quick tour we decide to get comfortable and talk. He is changing in the guest room downstairs, and I throw on my shorts and tank top I sleep in. When I walk downstairs and see him in nothing but pajama pants, no shirt, I about lose my nerve. It isn’t intimidating. He is so damn beautiful I may not control myself. I make my way over to him and sit down so I can study his tattoo. “The pictures didn’t do it justice.”
“You have seen it?” I nod my head. He mutters, “Brielle,” like it is a curse word. I laugh and nod again. “So you know where your part is?” I brush my fingers over the raven in answer. “Closest to my heart.”
“Taking root by your side, the only place I want to be.” We just lock our gazes on each other and silently get comfortable. “Let me start and fill you in on what happened, where I went, and then we will figure out some things together.”
“So when I left here I went into a treatment facility in Wisconsin. It was terrifying for me to be on my own, leaving you, embarking on a journey that I knew was going to be difficult, to say the least. They specialize in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, which in essence was reworking my thinking process, giving me coping tools to control my anxiety, and really teaching me how to be a part of society. It was hard. I also did extensive therapy and let out memories that I had hidden. I hadn’t repressed them because I had nightmares about them every night, but I wouldn’t talk about them. I felt ashamed, dirty, and used. That brings me back to the night I freaked out on you after we had sex. I am going to ask you if you want to hear these things. They will be hard, and I want you to be sure. I can’t worry about if you are going to think differently of me because I have given myself permission to believe it wasn’t my fault.” I look to him for his answer.
He takes a deep breath, “As much as it pains me to let you relive those memories, I think I need to hear them, to understand what went wrong. I felt we had experienced the most beautiful night, but it suddenly turned into my worst fear. I lost you.” He closes his eyes and squeezes my hand.
So I tell him everything. I tell him about the sexual abuse that started when I was fourteen. I tell him about how it escalated at sixteen. I even tell him about the tapes, as difficult as it is to recount that. I have to tell him everything. Once I have literally spilled my entire life story I ask, “Do you think I am disgusting? If I were you, I am not sure I could handle this.”
“Never, beautiful girl. I swear if he weren’t dead, I would do it myself. My God, Teryn, I have no idea what to say to you. I can’t tell you how sorry I am, but then to think what we did triggered that in your mind. I will never forgive myself, and please know I would rather have you in my life and never touch you like that again, than for you to leave. I can’t take you not being with me.”
“No, no you haven’t heard it all. That night with you was the best of my life. I had not one ounce of fear, it was all pleasure and I did it o
ut of love. After we were done and I realized how much I enjoyed it I broke down. I had only associated sex with being dirty and painful, so in my mind if I enjoyed it with you then what they did to me wasn’t abuse. It wasn’t wrong, and I wanted it. I know it doesn’t make sense to someone who hasn’t been through it, but that is where my mind went. After many hours of therapy, I am able to say, I was a victim of sexual and physical abuse. I was tormented repeatedly, but it doesn’t have to interfere with my future relationships, sexual or otherwise. I went through desensitization therapy and learned touch isn’t a bad thing. Please, don’t ever regret what we shared. I wouldn’t trade that for anything, and as much as I hate how it ended, it brought me to seek the help I needed.”
“So you are truly okay with me touching you? I never want you to feel uncomfortable, and this is all at your pace. You are in control.”
“No, WE control our destiny, together. As a team.” I smile at him. He scoots closer to me and pulls me into his chest. His bare, sculpted, hard chest that I have the urge to lick right now. “Let me finish.”
“I’m right here, not going anywhere.”
“Okay, the hard part is over, I think. So I was planning on coming back at Christmas time and continuing my therapy on an outpatient basis. I was so happy to be able to come back here, tell you how I felt, and know that it would last. I got snowed in and delayed a week, then I got the tabloids.” He pulls me closer, and murmurs an apology. “It didn’t set me back, but it did break my heart. That night I spent the night in a hotel by myself for the first time, ever. I thought about my options, picked Knoxville to settle, my therapist helped my find my job, I got my driver’s license and rented this condo, all on my own.” I know I am grinning like a fool, but those are all accomplishments I never thought would happen, and from the look of disbelief on his face, he didn’t either.
“Wow, you have been busy. What made you come for me tonight?”
Parker Sibling Series Box Set Page 68
