My mother was crying openly, and my father put an arm around her to lead her out the door. “Come on, Josephine. Let’s go.”
At least they seem closer than they were when I left home, I thought. I put my face into Nette’s hair and whispered, “I didn’t do too well, did I? I guess acting like a queen takes more practice than I thought.” I turned and went into the kitchen where Marguerite was waiting.
“Well?” she asked, as if she hadn’t heard the whole conversation.
“They wanted Nette,” I said sadly, cuddling the baby to me. “They still don’t want me.”
Marguerite put her arms around my shoulders. “Maybe it just seems so, Ariana. Maybe they simply don’t know how to show you they care.”
But I didn’t believe her.
Chapter Seven
School came as a wonderful surprise for me. I had never had much interest in learning before, but now I lost myself in the various texts, especially anything to do with mathematics. Equations seemed to practically solve themselves on the page, and I delighted in my newfound talent—one I had never expected. I wondered I hadn’t noticed it before. Maybe it was because for the first time in my life, I was serious about making a career for myself—and, most important, a good life for little Nette.
The days, weeks, and months slipped by as I immersed myself in work, school, and my daughter. On the few occasions when I had to take tests, either Marguerite or my next-door neighbor, Jeanne, a mother of two young children herself, would baby-sit Nette.
I was strangely happy and content with most of my life, though I was alone with only Nette for company most of my free time. I hadn’t seen any of the gang except for Paulette, who came in regularly in the afternoons during the rush to play with Nette in the kitchen. During these times she was mostly sober and clearheaded, though I knew she was still using many different drugs. Because she never asked to take Nette anywhere and they seemed to delight in each other’s company, I allowed their relationship to continue.
“Do you miss him?” Paulette asked me one afternoon after the lunch rush, when Nette had just turned eight months old. We were sitting on the floor on a large blanket, eating a late lunch. I had my back propped against the door to the small office, with Nette curled up in my lap, nursing. While she did eat some solid foods, she was late getting teeth and was still dependent upon me for most of her nourishment. Since breast milk was the cheapest food available and because nursing enhanced our closeness, I didn’t mind.
“Do I miss him?” I repeated Paulette’s question while I seriously thought about it. I didn’t have to ask who “him” was. “Well, yes, I guess I do. I miss the way he used to look at me with his head tilted back, as if wanting to catch every word. I miss feeling him in the bed beside me at night and seeing his tousled hair in the morning. And I miss watching him play with Nette.” As tears began to form in my eyes, I blinked and purposely made my voice hard. “But I don’t miss the uncertainty of life with him, the drugs, or the alcohol.”
“Would you take him back?” Paulette picked up her sandwich and took a halfhearted bite. Drugs had seriously dampened her appetite. “I mean, if he just showed up one day,” she said a trifle unclearly as she chewed.
I took a bite of my own sandwich before I answered, holding it with the hand that wasn’t supporting Nette. “I guess that would depend. I mean, I’m not willing to go back to what was before. I’m stable now and working toward a goal, and if I’m not completely happy, well, it’s still much better than what life was with him.”
“But what if he had changed?”
I snorted. “I don’t know if I could believe him—he lied to me so many times before.” I sighed. “I guess I would probably give him time to prove himself, though I wouldn’t hold any great hopes in the matter.”
For once, Paulette looked directly into my eyes. “You still love him, don’t you?”
I wanted to deny it but found I couldn’t. “Yes,” I admitted reluctantly. “But I don’t want to. And I don’t hold any hopes of his coming back changed. He’s chosen a different way of life, and that’s that.”
“I’m not sure I believe it. I think he really loved you.”
I shrugged. “Loved is the key word here, Paulette. It’s past tense. I think it’s time I filed for divorce.” As I said it, I became determined. It would probably take a good chunk of my savings, but it was a necessary step. I had to cut ties with my unhappy past. I should have done it long ago.
My conversation with Paulette spurred me to action. During the next few days I went to see several lawyers about my divorce. Thursday morning, two days after our talk, I chose one—not the cheapest but the one I felt would get the job done the fastest. I didn’t anticipate any problems from Jacques.
I arrived at work that afternoon feeling a little more depressed than normal but firm in my decision. I found Marguerite busily showing another woman around the kitchen. She looked much like Marguerite herself, yet fatter and more disapproving and stern.
“Oh, Ariana, come meet my sister, Françoise!” Marguerite motioned to me. As I approached, she scooped the giggling Nette out of my arms to hug and kiss her. “How are you today, precious? Boy, am I going to miss you while I’m on vacation!”
I started at her words. I had completely forgotten that Marguerite and Jules were leaving the next Monday for a month of well-deserved vacation. Her sister and her niece had come to take their places while they were gone, as they had done in other years.
“It’s nice to meet you, Françoise,” I said, kissing the woman’s cheeks several times in the French custom.
“And you, Ariana,” Françoise rejoined with a tight smile. Her rolls of fat jiggled as she shifted into a more comfortable position. “I’ve heard quite a bit about you from Marguerite.”
“Oh, Ariana here is a wonder!” Marguerite exclaimed. “Everything is pretty much the same as the other times you came, Françoise, but if you have any problems, just ask Ariana. She knows the job better than I do. And don’t worry about little Nette here; she’s an absolute angel. We block off part of the kitchen with crates to keep her away from the stove, and she just plays all day. Your daughter, Colette, will probably love her.” Marguerite turned to me. “You’ll meet Colette on Monday. She’s getting married next spring, you know.”
I hadn’t known but nodded anyway. Then Marguerite was off again, reacquainting the corpulent Françoise with the café. I stared out the large window and sighed. I wasn’t looking forward to life without Marguerite and Jules, even if only for a month, but they certainly had chosen a perfect time to go—the last week of August and the first three of September. I wished I could go with them, but I had tests the next week, and they needed me here at the café. Still, maybe when they got back, Nette and I would go somewhere really special for our own little vacation. Not somewhere costly but where we could be alone for a few days and relax from all the pressures of work and school.
The next morning, the day after I paid the lawyer, I got up early for a test at school. After this one, I would have to take only two more the following week to graduate. I had no doubt that I would pass; I had done nothing but study every morning for the past four months.
I readied Nette to take to my neighbor, Jeanne. Since Marguerite was busy packing for her vacation, she would not be able to sit with her. Nette actually preferred going to Jeanne’s because she loved playing with her children. I had often gone there in the mornings during study breaks to let them play together, especially when I had realized that Marguerite wouldn’t always be able to watch Nette during my exams. I hadn’t wanted Nette to cry when I left her with Jeanne.
The doorbell rang suddenly, and I ran to answer it.
“Hi, Ariana.”
I gasped, feeling my eyes widen as I saw Jacques standing there. I had been so certain I would never see him again, that he was out of my life forever. I couldn’t believe he was actually standing in front of me.
“Why are you here?” I asked, holding a hand up to still
my heavily beating heart.
He was leaning against the door frame gazing down at me, his head cocked slightly to one side. His eyes were clear and seemingly drug free, although I knew I could not trust myself on this. I had been fooled before.
“I came to see you, Ariana.” His voice was soft. “I’ve missed you terribly.”
I steeled myself against the ache in his voice. “I’ve filed for divorce.”
Jacques frowned and then sighed. “Well, I guess I should have expected as much. Still, it’s not final yet. Could you give me another chance?”
“But I don’t want to be hurt again, Jacques!” I retorted. “I can’t trust you!”
“I won’t hurt you, I promise!”
“Your promises haven’t been very good.”
He grimaced. “That was five months ago, Ariana. I’ve changed.” His voice was pleading. “Please, just think about it.”
I didn’t say anything but stared at the ground, trying for all I was worth to avoid looking at the face of the man I knew I still loved. Simply seeing him made my emotions race crazily, compelling me to throw myself into his arms. During the ensuing silence, Nette crawled over from near the couch where I had left her. She stood up, using my legs to steady herself.
“Why, she’s so big!” Jacques exclaimed. “Is she walking already?”
“Not alone.” I smiled down at the chubby baby. “But it won’t be long now. She walks along anything she can hold on to. Most babies don’t walk until they’re around eleven months. Nette’s just extra determined.”
“Like her mother,” Jacques commented. He knelt down and called Nette to him, but she clung to my legs. Undaunted, he continued to play with her until her cherub face crinkled in a smile. He glanced up at me in triumph. “She likes me!” He continued his play. “She looks so much like you with those huge round eyes and dark hair.” He touched his own dark blond locks with a finger. “Doesn’t look much like her dad, that’s for sure. And a good thing, too.”
“Nonsense, Jacques. You’ve got brown eyes, too, and look at the dimple in her chin—it looks like yours.” I crouched down to point it out to him. Little Nette giggled. She had taken hold of Jacques’ fingers and actually took a step in his direction.
“She needs a father,” Jacques said suddenly, looking deep into my eyes. “Please, give us another chance.”
I suspected he was using Nette to get to me, but I knew I wanted to try again anyway. “Okay,” I agreed. “You can come and see us, and we’ll see where things go. But you can’t stay here.”
Disappointment flared briefly in his eyes, but he seemed willing to live with my rules. “I’ll show you, Ariana,” he said sincerely. “I still love you, and I know that you love me, too.”
I shrugged. “Love isn’t everything, Jacques. It doesn’t pay the rent, and it’s useless without trust.”
“Things are going to be different now. You’ll see.”
I sighed. “Yes, I guess I will. But for now, I’ve got a test to take.” I gathered up my school supplies and slung Nette’s diaper bag over my shoulder. “Come on, Nette.” I picked up the baby in my free arm and motioned to Jacques to shut the door and to see that it was locked. We started off down the hall towards Jeanne’s. At her door, I rang the bell.
She answered almost immediately, flanked by her two toddlers. “Why, good morning!” she sang cheerily. “Do you want to play, Nette?” She held out her arms to take the baby, but Nette kicked to get down with the other children.
“It shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours,” I said.
Jeanne smiled. “Take whatever time you need.” She peered behind me at Jacques and added teasingly, “Who’s this handsome guy?”
I grimaced slightly and replied, “This is Nette’s father, Jacques. He came to visit this morning, but he’s just leaving.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Jeanne.” Jacques held out his hand and smiled his most charming grin. Jeanne practically blushed, and I wanted to roll my eyes in disbelief. Instead, I changed the subject.
“Thanks so much for watching Nette, Jeanne. Will you still be able to watch her Thursday evening?” I had two tests left, and since one was offered only at night, I had decided to take them both Thursday night, one right after the other. That way I wouldn’t have to find a baby-sitter again.
“It’s no bother, really,” Jeanne said. “And Thursday’s fine. Did you get time off at the café?”
“Yes, I traded for Monday.” I glanced at my watch. “Goodness, I’ve got to get down to the school or I’ll miss my test!” I gave Nette a final kiss before running to the elevator. Jacques followed me down the hall.
“I could have watched her,” he said as we waited.
I snorted incredulously. “She doesn’t even know you! And there’s still that little matter of trust. Don’t push it, Jacques.”
“Okay,” he agreed hastily. “But can I walk you to wherever you’re going?”
“If you can keep up.”
* * *
The next few days, Jacques seemed to be everywhere I turned. That first day, he waited for me after my test, walked back with me to get Nette, and stayed until I went to work. Later, he came back to eat dinner at the café and waited for me outside after I closed up.
“You don’t have to walk me home, Jacques,” I said, pointing to the apartment building door that stood five paces down from the café. “I’m quite safe as long as I check the streets before I make a run for it.”
“But I want to, Ariana.” He pointed to the sleeping baby. “May I carry her for you?”
“Sure.” It had been a long day, and I was happy to let him do some of the work for a change. I unlocked the outer apartment door and held it open for him. Then I went in myself, turning to make sure the heavy door clicked shut behind us.
Once in the apartment, Jacques carried Nette to my recently purchased bed. “You’ve got a nice place here,” he said as he looked around the room.
“I’ve been working hard,” I said softly.
His face darkened slightly. “I’m sorry for everything, Ariana. I really am. I want to be the man that you want and need—and love.”
“Let’s take one day at a time, Jacques. Right now I’m really tired, and I’ve still got to work all day tomorrow.”
“What about in the morning? We could walk along the river like we used to.”
I smiled. “Okay, Jacques.”
After he left, hope and fear wrestled within me until I was too tired to think. At last I fell asleep, cuddled to the warmth of Nette’s tiny body.
Chapter Eight
Saturday morning dawned bright and shining, giving more than a hint of the heat to come later in the day. Jacques came as promised, still clear-eyed and hopeful, and we spent a wonderful morning together. Little Nette warmed up even more toward him; it was as if she somehow remembered him from before.
We walked along the river, and once again I showed Nette the Palais de Justice and told her the story of Queen Marie-Antoinette. She laughed and babbled back to me as she always did, not understanding anything except the love in my voice.
“Your daughter is going to be a queen, did you know, Jacques?” I said, smiling and looking tenderly at Nette.
He returned my smile with a grin. “She already is. Just like you.” I wanted to tell him no, that we weren’t yet, but he reached over to kiss my cheek, sending chills throughout my body.
We made our way back to the café, and Jacques stayed for lunch. He returned later for dinner and to walk us home. He was trying his best to be charming and considerate, and I couldn’t help the feelings of love that arose in my heart.
“What about tomorrow?” he asked. “Let’s spend the whole day together. You still have Sundays off, don’t you? We’ll take a picnic and go somewhere or something.” He stroked Nette’s soft cheek and then reached out to touch mine. A shiver ran through me at his touch, as it had that morning when he kissed my cheek.
“Okay, Jacques. I’d like that.”
<
br /> He quickly tucked Nette into her bed and whirled me around. “You don’t worry about food or anything,” he said excitedly. “I’ll take care of it all!” He kissed me once, hard, on the mouth. “I love you, Ariana de Cotte!” He was out the door and gone before I could say another word.
I suddenly, desperately, wanted things to work out. It was difficult and sometimes very lonely raising a child alone. How much easier it could be with a husband to share the responsibilities!
I was dressed and waiting Sunday morning when Jacques showed up at ten with a huge basket filled to brimming with different foods. He kissed me on the cheek and turned to hug little Nette. This time she didn’t pull away. On the way to the elevator, we passed my neighbor, Jeanne, in the hall. “Good morning, pretty lady,” Jacques said with a winning smile.
Jeanne laughed. “You’ve got yourself a charming one there!” she said to me.
“You can say that again!”
We were quiet on the ride down the elevator and out into the street. Jacques headed purposely toward a waiting taxi. “Where are we going?” I asked.
He grinned. “It’s a secret, just wait and see. But I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.”
We sat in comfortable silence as the taxi careened through Paris to the city’s outskirts, where the countryside became a beautiful green, so unlike the crowded city. I had almost forgotten such things existed. Too much time had passed since I had visited similar places—since Antoine died. “Oh, this is beautiful, Jacques!” I exclaimed, breathing deeply the fresh air.
Jacques looked so happy he could burst. “You go on ahead, honey, and I’ll arrange with the taxi driver to come back for us later.”
I did as he requested and found a calm, shady spot under a tree, out of sight of the narrow road. Nette laughed in delight and immediately tried to eat the soil. I laughed until I choked while Nette eyed me curiously, as if trying to figure out what had overcome her mother.
The Ariana Trilogy Page 7
