by Kim Black
I knew that divorcing Charlette wouldn’t automatically fix things with Emily, but it was a start. I couldn’t help the knots in my stomach at what Emily would say to me when she awoke. Would she want to see me? Would her last memories, before the accident, come flooding back? Would she insist that I walk away from her? Or worse, come back to me only to walk out of mine? Endless questions and doubts flooded my mind and it made me feel sick to my stomach. Mon amour, mon coeur, s'il vous plaît revenir à moi. My love, my heart; please, come back to me.
EMILY
The sounds around me made no sense. I didn’t understand any of it. Nonsensical sounds, which I assumed came from people, all merged together. I groaned and struggled to lift my eyelids, but saw nothing but blurry images of weird forms hovering above me. I tried to focus my eyes, but soon the darkness ripped me away from reality, plunging me back into a deep sleep.
“You love me?” I asked Adam while we sat in the back of our restaurant, taking our lunch break.
He stuttered his way into confessing that he had fallen in love with me and I was completely blindsided.
“Please don’t make me say it again. I barely got it out the first time,” he said with his head low, avoiding any eye contact.
He was incredibly adorable in his chefs’ uniform and his perfectly slicked back blond hair. He was the perfect combination of sexy boy next door and bad boy -exactly my type!
Of course, I felt the same about Adam. I fell for him just weeks after we started dating; but an opportunity like this only came once in a lifetime, so I just couldn’t help but grab it while I could. Who else could say that they had witnessed the ever so confident Adam Lambert be insecure? It was cruel, but I planned to make it up to him all night long!
“I just don’t know what to say, babe. I mean, we’ve only been together for just a few months, and I don’t want to move too fast,” I whispered, my face completely devoid of any emotion.
His body went completely rigid. I felt the tension in his hands when he tightened his grip on mine. “I understand sweet girl. I don’t expect you to feel the same. You… you don’t have to say it back…” he trailed off before standing and finally meeting my eyes.
He leaned in to kiss me on the cheek, instead I grabbed ahold of his face, let go of his hands, and placed each of mine on either side of his cute, sad, face. I felt a little guilty for playing with him, especially since I knew how hard it was for him to open up about his feelings. So, I brought his face closer to mind and kissed him softly.
“I love you too, Adam.”
The voices came back and I was confused as to what was real and what was a dream. This time, when the darkness left me, I felt more lucid. I felt something around my neck keeping me still. I heard the beeping of a monitor, which pretty much confirmed that I was in a hospital. I opened my eyes again and focused on the blurs around me. I grumbled when I tried to swallow, and felt the harsh dryness in my throat. Instantly, a flood of blurry objects leapt towards me.
“She’s awake,” I heard someone say; and although I still couldn’t make out who was who, I was glad to understand anything at all. What the fuck was going on? Why was I in a hospital? Why was this thing around my neck?
“Hello, can you tell me your name ma’am?” a woman said.
I licked my dry, cracked, lips and opened my mouth to answer her. I knew my name, of course, but the sound I heard come out was not what I expected. The voice was small and high pitched, like a child’s, and I couldn’t understand where the sound was coming from.
“Very good, Ms. Roberts,” the woman responded and I lifted my eyes to look at her and her blurry form came into focus. She was a pretty, redhead with cute little freckles around her cheeks.
“I know things are a little hazy right now, but you were in an accident and suffered some trauma to your head, which caused a great deal of swelling. After surgery, we had no choice but to put you in a medically induced coma,” she said, lifted my hand, and began checking my pulse.
What the hell? A coma? My pulse sped up and I panicked. How long have I been out? What year is it? Endless questions circled my mind, as I lay there unable to move, my eyes darting back and forth.
Suddenly, I the heart monitor sped up beside me. I turned to look at the door.
“Ms. Roberts, you have to stay as calm as possible,” she urged, trying to keep me still.
My accelerated breathing made me feel like I was having a heart attack.
Another person rushed to my side, but I couldn’t bring myself to look up. Instead, I focused on my breathing. Breathe, Em. Just breathe…
“Dr. Avery, something is wrong. Please do something!” the person urged with concern in his voice. Who was that? I wondered, but I felt the familiar tug before I could bring myself to look at him. I was going under again and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it.
“Adam,” was all I managed to croak through my arid throat - before returning to complete darkness.
JULIEN
Fucking Adam!
She asked for HIM! Not me… When Emily first started coming in and out of consciousness, the doctor asked us to remain calm and quiet so that we didn’t startle Emily while she slowly emerged from the coma. She explained that Emily would be confused at first, and that we were slowly to ease her into acknowledging everyone, since she probably wouldn’t be able to make out much at first.
It wasn’t easy, standing there when her eyes opened hearing her first words in a week’s time - her name. She sounded so small and innocent, like a child. I wanted desperately to leap to her side the moment she flickered her sensually long lashes, to hold her close to my chest as she came back to me.
I truly believed that she heard me when I pled for forgiveness; but her thoughts were obviously on her ex-boyfriend, Adam. What the fuck did she see in him? He wasn’t that good looking. In fact, he looked absolutely ridiculous. He was a grown man and yet, each time I saw him - whether it was at his job where he met with Emily, or when he visited the hospital - he looked like a surfer kid playing dress-up in a Chef’s uniform.
I couldn’t stay in that room and listen while she asked for him. The smirk on his face when he heard his name made me want to punch him in the face. No, I had to get the hell out of there. I strode passed Diana, who stood by the door probably expecting Emily to tell her to leave, and walked out of the room.
I didn’t go far though, my stomach churned in heated knots. Emily’s safety was still my only concern, even though I was heartbroken.
It was clear that I had lost her this time for good. I reached the waiting room across the hall and was grateful the dimly lit room was empty . I plopped into one of the hard plastic, blue chairs that lined the room’s walls. The poorly decorated room smelled of disinfectant.
The pains in my chest were unbearable as I slunk further into the chair, letting my head fall back against the blue and white striped wall. Never had I experienced such anguish until meeting Emily. Had she loved me as I loved her, I would welcome the signs that my heart was actually capable of such emotion, but that was not the case. These pains were without proper reason. They bore no fruit. They were wasted emotions and I was tired of yielding to the vexing feelings that roiled inside of me.
I was Julien Belmont, VP of Belmont International. I didn’t give away anything to anyone without reaping far more in return. Chasing women was never an issue for me, never something I considered; and here I sat in this damn hospital, longing for a woman who obviously didn’t love me.
“Hey, shit head! Forget something?” I heard someone say.
I looked up to find Suzie standing in the doorway. Her arms were crossed and her face etched in nervous awkwardness, though it was apparent she was trying her hardest to seem aloof.
“I just want to be alone,” I grumbled, leaned my head back against the wall, closed my eyes, and took slow deliberate breaths. There wasn’t anything to talk about. I’d made up my mind - I was done. It was over. I would make sure Emily was doing ok; then
walk out of this hospital, out of her life and get mine back on track. I had been doing just fine, before the little vixen ever entered my life, and I would do just fine without her! Wouldn’t I?
“Ok, seriously dude, I don’t know you all that well. But, from the conversations we’ve had this past week, I know that you are a good man. And I can also tell that you are forcing yourself to shut down. You need to go back in there and ―” she barked before I interrupted.
“You are right! You don’t know me well, at all. I appreciate your advice, but I’m done here. Is Emily ok?” I murmured.
“Why don’t you come see for yourself and stop acting like a fucking baby? So, she said Adam’s name. Big whoop! Man the hell up, grab ahold of your fucking balls and get your ass in there!” she ordered before storming away.
A part of me wanted to go back in there and look deep into Emily’s eyes; hold her close to me again. What good would that do? I may not know Emily’s favorite color, but one thing was certain - I loved her! The problem was she ran away from her problems. Anytime things got uncomfortable or she felt slightly threatened, she fled. She proved that repeatedly, never giving me a chance to explain anything, never believing in me; not that I had made it easy for her, but still... What kind of relationship could we have together?
If only she had given me a chance to explain how terrified I felt about her control over me. This was all so new to me. The women in my past were all just a means to an end, but she…she was special. She captured my soul the moment I laid eyes on her. She woke something deep inside me I never even realized was there. I was a man who valued my ability to maintain a level head in any given situation; her all-consuming power over me made me wary. I panicked.
She never gave me an opportunity to tell her that I made a mistake. One that I had vowed, the morning I awoke in Charlette’s bed, I would never make again. That night with Charlette confirmed what I already suspected in my heart, that my entire being belonged to Emily. She captured my heart and brought it life. My body saluted her, its master. Her presence commanded its attention; my heart beat a rejoicing anthem at the mere sight of her. My skin burned at each touch. No other woman would ever compare to her.
If she had only cared enough to listen, she wouldn’t have been hurt and we would be together. Instead, she chose to walk out of my life, not once, not twice but for a third time today.
Were it anyone else, any other woman, I would have severed all ties at the first betrayal. But she wasn’t any woman… She was my Emily. But today, today I would walk away from her for good.
Chapter Three
“Only one thing registers on the subconscious mind: repetitive application - practice. What you practice is what you manifest.”
~ Fay Weldon ~
Emily
“Adam… Where’s Adam?” I asked the woman frantically when I woke up again. I pulled on her arm, desperate to see him. Had he been hurt? Was he ok?
“Ms. Roberts, please remain calm. You are not a hundred percent yet and shouldn’t excite yourself,” she urged and fought to keep me still. She turned her head towards the door and Adam came into view. I was instantly relieved, becoming still in the doctor’s hold.
I thought for sure I had lost him, that there would be no other way he would not be at my side when I awoke. Not seeing him there, made me assume the worst had happened. It was bad enough waking up to the news that I had lost a week out of my life. The possibility of losing him, also, would be too much to bear.
“Oh baby, you’re not hurt?” I asked, reached to take hold of his hand, and entwined our fingers. I needed to feel the warmth of his hand against mine. The doctor stood aside and looked between Adam and me. He was all right.
I stared into his handsome blue eyes and sighed with relief that Adam hadn’t also been hurt. He peered back at me with a peculiar expression on his face. I didn’t understand his confusion, but it was obvious something wasn’t right. He turned away with a pained look, his eyes darkened with sorrow, as he brought a hand to my hair. He gently stroked my hair trying to sooth me.
“Adam what’s wrong?” I probed, my attention fully on him; forgetting the doctor to my left who was now watching the exchange with widened eyes.
He turned away, looking to my far left. I followed his gaze and saw Diana and Suzie, my two best friends, huddled in the corner. They looked a mess, which was so not like them. Diana was always stunning in her own sweet, elegant, way; that I of course envied since I couldn’t pull off half her wardrobe. Suzie…Well, Suzie looked like she had seen a ghost. Both girls had tears in their eyes, their hands clasped together tightly.
“Diana, Suzie.” I whispered. Why are they all the way over there? What the hell is wrong with everybody? You would think that waking up after being in a coma for a week would liven up the mood. Sure they were all worried when I initially came in. The air in the room suddenly thickened and I had the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wasn’t right. This behavior was atypical for friends who had just witnessed their best friend come back from the brink of death.
“Uh, what exactly do you remember before the accident, sweetie?” Adam asked with a wrinkled brow, his eyes brimming with tears.
Confused, I lay back on the bed, unable to believe how comfortable it felt under me. Shit. These hospitals have really stepped up their game, I thought before closing my eyes and summoning my last memories.
I sat on the bench behind the restaurant. We were enjoying our daily lunch.
Each day at lunch, we’d head to the back of the restaurant, where it was pretty much secluded, and enjoyed our quiet time alone. Afterwards, we’d clean up and head back in for the remainder of our shifts until it was time to go home. Thankfully, Chef Gordon always scheduled us to work the same shifts; saying it was pointless to separate us, since we’d only switch shifts with the other chefs anyway. It was true!
“The last thing I remember was climbing into my car with you. Don’t you remember?” I inquired, as I opened my eyes. “You just told me you loved me,” I shyly continued, unable to hold back my shy smile or contain my blush.
This past week was the greatest of my life. Adam finally told me he loved me, something I had wanted to hear since I first admitted my own feelings for him. In the short time we’d been together, I had fallen for the man. I loved the person I was with him. With him, I felt free. Our relationship was as easy as breathing. Adam gave me something that I had never thought I could have…peace.
It wasn’t until I met him that I realized how much my past had damaged me. While I never spoke of it, I felt like he understood what I needed and provided me with the freedom to just be. He wasn’t demanding and overbearing. He was simple. And, I loved that about him. Until him, nothing in my life had been without complication. Yes, he had the reputation of an arrogant man; but truly, behind those crystal blue eyes was a gentle, down-to-earth man. God, I love him.
ADAM
When Diana stressed we reveal the truth to Emily, Dr. Avery lifted a hand in protest, just low enough so that Emily could not see. The rest of us remained frozen in our respective spots. The doctor informed Emily that she needed to speak to the rest of us. Emily, of course, didn’t understand what was going on and insisted that the Doctor didn’t need to hide anything from her, but Doctor Avery told her that she only wanted to talk to us more about her possible recovery time.
Emily didn’t buy it. I knew it, because I had learned Emily’s ‘tell’ in the first month we’d been together. Whenever she was uncertain or grew anxious, she bit her lower lip. It was the cutest, most adorable thing to watch, especially when I called her on it.
After administering Emily’s pain meds, the doctor drew the curtains around Emily’s bed and motioned the rest of us to move closer to the door.
“Memory loss following a coma is quite common, so I don’t want you to be concerned. I have to also say that, until we get a better understanding as to the extent of her memory loss, I need you to play along with her. Let her memory
return on its own,” she turned towards me and raised her brow.
“I understand,” I whispered. The truth was I didn’t understand shit about this. Would her memory come back? How long would it take to return? What about the fucking Frenchman? Would she remember him when she saw him and recall our horrible breakup? Endless questions swarmed my brain, and I stood confused.
“So you’re saying her memory will eventually return?” asked Diana, who stood to my right, gnawing away at her nails.
The doctor shook her head, “There is really no way of knowing at this point. She may slowly start to regain her memory. Unfortunately, there is a chance that she may never regain those memories. Only time and more tests will tell. If her memory hasn’t improved by morning, I’ll have a therapist come in and break it to her. I hope that this is temporary. In the meantime, you need to inform Mr. Belmont of this,” she advised.
“Fuck. I can’t imagine mister grumpy being happy about this. I’m not telling him shit. Suzie, that’s all on you,” I announced. The French god bolted earlier when Emily called out my name. I couldn’t say I was disappointed that she didn’t remember him. Is it wrong that I feel like Emily’s memory loss might actually work in my favor?
“Great. Just what I fucking need! You know, if Emily gets her memory back, I just might choke the hell out of her for leaving me to deal with that other man. I mean, shit. Being the buffer between you two has been a pain in my ass!” Suzie chided in hushed tones while rolling her eyes.
Diana remained quiet, which wasn’t surprising given what Emily’s memory loss meant. I couldn’t help the bile that rose in my throat at the possible thoughts forming in Diana’s mind. She needed a way out of the web of lies she had formed and I knew she would use this situation in order to hide. It made me sick to my stomach, but I had no time to deal with the woman now. It was bad enough that I had to be in the same room with her, her eyes often snaking their way towards me. The rift that woman caused between Emily and me caused everyone pain. Luckily, for her, now was not the time to hash out the truth. Emily needed my complete focus. Soon, very soon, I would have words with Ms. Diana Edwards and she would not like anything I had to say!
