Past Imperfect

by Alison G. Bailey

  The next several minutes were a blur and before I knew it we were done. All I could think about was how fantastic it felt from the first kiss to being inside her. I’ve been with a handful of girls and it’s never felt like this. I mean, it always felt good, but as soon as it was over I was ready to go. With Amanda I wanted to stay. I looked into her eyes quickly and gave her a slight smile before sliding out of her. I removed the condom, tossing it in the trash, just before a noise came from the hallway.

  “You locked the door, didn’t you?” Amanda asked.

  “I’m pretty sure I did.” I threw on my jeans and slipped my shirt on as I walked to the door. I wasn’t going to let them come in. They knew she was up here and I’m sure they heard us, so no need to see her for proof. Placing my hand on the doorknob, I turn it with every intention of stepping out into the hall and getting rid of the guys when asshole Jeremy came busting through, pushing me out of the way.

  “Shit! I don’t believe it. You won again,” Jeremy said.

  Go along, Brad. Show her what a low-life you are. She’ll never be yours. You need her to hate you before you fall any further.

  I laughed along with Spencer. The look in her eyes punched me in the stomach. From that point on I didn’t know what I was saying. I went on autopilot until I left the room.

  I was sitting in the kitchen staring at nothing, trying to get the image of Amanda out of my head while Spencer continuously gave Jeremy a hard time about losing the bet. I caught a glimpse of her when she came downstairs. I knew I could never take back or apologize for what I had just done to her, but I knew I could give her some peace of mind. I walked into the living room as she was gathering her things.

  “I don’t kiss and tell, so you don’t need to worry. Stewart won’t find out.”

  She hugged her backpack to her chest and without turning around, left. I stood frozen and numb. I knew she wasn’t mine and never would be, but I could have pretended a little longer, maybe. No, I had to get out now before I fell completely, so I stood there and watched the best thing that had ever been in my life walk out the door.

  We were at the first big senior party of the year. Sylvie had gone off to hook up with someone and I was sitting here on the sofa with Stephen, watching as he got the bong ready for me to take a hit. He was the biggest pothead at our school. Although it was rare, I did use it on occasion. Today was the fifth anniversary of my mom killing herself. You would think after all this time this day would get easier. I remember after her funeral people kept telling me and my dad, time would heal our hearts. Bullshit. It all seems like just yesterday to me. At night I can still see her lying in her bed, with the odor of rusty metal overwhelming my sense of smell, reminding me of all the blood. So, on occasions such as her anniversary, I do what’s needed to forget for just a little while. A tap on my arm brought me back to the present.

  “Hey, Mabry, did you hear me?” Stephen asked.

  “No. Sorry.”

  “You’ve taken hits off a bong before, right?”

  “Actually no. I’ve just smoked joints.”

  “Well, it’s pretty easy. I’ll hold it for you. All you have to do is wrap your lips around it and inhale. Try to hold it in your lungs for as long as you can,” he instructed.

  Facing each other on the sofa, I did as Stephen said. I inhaled deeply and held it for as long as I could stand. I started to feel a slight tingling all over my body and the edginess that my nerves usually had started to subside.

  “Wow! You are really good at that. You held it in like a pro, didn’t even cough.” I smiled lazily at Stephen’s compliment.

  A half hour later he and I were still sitting in our spots, but had put the pot to one side and were making out. His hands couldn’t make up their mind where to go, they were all over me. I was pretty buzzed and sleepy, so I didn’t object and let him do what he wanted.

  “Mabry you are so fucking hot,” he mumbled against my neck. “The way you wrapped those gorgeous lips around that bong… I bet they’d look just as good around my dick. Come on, let’s go.” He stood pulling me up and leading me to one of the bedrooms toward the back of the house.

  Once we got in the room he locked the door and started to unzip his jeans. My head was in such a haze I didn’t comprehend what he was up to.

  “What are you doing, Stephen?” I asked, confused.

  “You’re gonna give me a blowjob.”

  I thought he was joking, so I giggled. “No I’m not.”

  “Um… yeah you are.”

  “No, I’m not,” I said, defiantly.

  “Come on, Mabry, you’re no virgin. Besides, you owe me.”

  “True, I’m not a virgin, but I’ve never done that… I don’t want that in my mouth,” I said, pointing at his crotch as I scrunched up my face in disgust. “And exactly what do I owe you for?”

  “I gave you a lot of my pot.” He was standing against the door with his jeans undone and resting low on his hips. I could see how excited he was already.

  “I don’t care. I’m not doing it. Now let me go.” I took a step toward the door.

  “Isn’t today the day your mom killed herself and didn’t you have something to do with it?” he asked looking straight into my eyes.

  “I found her,” I whispered, my tone flat.

  “I’d be happy to share the rest of my stash to help you get through the night if you do me this one little favor. I don’t want to have sex with you. I just want to watch you suck me off. I promise, I won’t come in your mouth.”

  My buzz was quickly fading and five-year-old memories were flooding back in. I just wanted and needed some relief, especially today of all days.

  I was sitting on the bathroom floor at Sylvie’s. She was already passed out on her bed. Since we knew we’d be out late at the party I was staying the night at her house. Not that it made a difference to my dad what I did. Nowadays, we barely spoke to each other. Basically, we mumbled to each other while passing first thing in the mornings and again at night. That is if we even saw each other. I can’t believe what I did just a little over an hour ago. I had given up my V card the summer between my sophomore and junior year, but I had never given a guy a blowjob, and to think I did it because I wanted more of his weed.

  God, does that make me a pot whore?

  I just needed something to take the ache in my heart away for a little while. I missed my mom and dad so much, there were times when I couldn’t bear the loneliness. I had to have something to take the pain away and fill the emptiness.

  I started self-harming the day my mom died. I ran out of the house and kept moving until I was so exhausted that I collapsed. I had managed to get to a playground several blocks away from my house. I sat and waited for my dad to come get me and wrap me in his arms, letting me know things would be okay, but he never did. When I got back home and walked into the house, I saw the bloody footprints my sneakers had made still soaked into the carpet. My dad was sitting at the kitchen table looking straight ahead. He didn’t make any move to come comfort me. He didn’t even ask me where I had been.

  He turned his lifeless eyes toward me and said, “She’s dead, Mabry. She’s not coming back.”

  I ran to my room, tears streaming down my face, and slammed the door. I leaned back against it and slid to the floor. As I sat there, I wondered why my mom left me and why my dad never found me. They said they loved me. I had so many thoughts and emotions running through me that it was hard to distinguish one from another. My muscles became tense and my breathing got faster and deeper. I felt heat and adrenaline take over my body. My fingernails dug into my palms as I reared back and pounded my head against the door once, twice, and then a third time. I lost count after that. The jolt I got whenever the back of my head connected with the hard surface unleashed the natural endorphins and gave me relief from the emotional pain that was consuming me. There was no physical pain, just a sense of being calm.

  I was trying to apply as much force as possible while being as quiet as I could
be. I banged my head against the edge of the bathroom counter, trying to calm the rage I felt for what I had done tonight. No one knew I self-harmed, not even Sylvie, and she was my best friend. The great thing about head banging was that you could hide any bruises, lumps, or bumps very easily.

  After feeling sufficiently dazed, I stumbled back into Sylvie’s room, crawled into the spare bed, and wondered how much longer I could do this before causing permanent damage.

  Today is day one of Operation Relentless. I’ve given Mabry a week to de-freak from my “I love you” statement. If she thought I’d be so pissed at her for going out with Sir Douche that I’d move onto someone else, well, then she seriously underestimates me. I will never give up on Mabry. I’ve always been alone and lonely. I had no idea just how lonely until she came into my life. Even though we agreed to keep things casual, I knew the first time I saw her that there was a connection. Since meeting Mabry, I’ve feel like a whole person and I sure as shit am not giving that up just because Sir Douche and her went out to dinner. He probably took her to one of those fucking trendy eateries with artisanal crap on the menu. He’s such a pretentious, fucking, son-of-a-bitch, cock-sucking, douche bag hipster.

  It’s early Sunday morning and I’m sitting on the steps outside her place waiting for her to come down for her morning run. I’m making sure my Nikes are tied tight when the front door opens and she steps out. She’s wearing hot pink really short shorts, a white sports bra, and pink and white running shoes. Her hair is in a high ponytail, sunglasses, and ear buds in place. She bounces down the steps, focusing on her iPhone without noticing me sitting there. She stops several feet ahead of me and stretches. She does a couple of lunges and then bends over, stretching the backs of her legs.

  Fuck me.

  I walk up behind her before she straightens up. “Mornin’, Sweetness,” I say with a huge grin on my face.

  When she stands, her back grazes my chest and startles her. The heel of her right foot immediately slams down on my foot just before she whips around and kicks me in the shin.

  “Fuck!” I yell, hopping back a few steps.

  “Brad?” She removes her ear buds, sounding surprised and confused.

  “The one and only.” The pain in my leg starts to subside.

  “Are you okay?” She’s concerned. Good.

  “I’m fine. It’s nice to know you can handle yourself.” I pace back and forth a few times, walking off the rest of the pain in my leg before landing directly in front of her.

  “What are you doing here?” she asks.

  “I’m here for our morning run, unless you’d rather do another activity to get our hearts racing.” I wink.

  “I thought I made myself pretty clear about this.” She points a finger back and forth between us.

  “Well, I know I made myself crystal clear about this.” I mimic her movement with my finger. “Now, I’m here to get a workout. If you don’t want to go inside to do it, then get moving.”

  I remove my sunglasses and Duke Baseball cap, handing them to her while I peel off my gray T-shirt and shove one end of it inside the back pocket of my red basketball shorts. Mabry’s chest visibly moves faster and she licks her lips as she stares at my abs and chest. She’s a huge fan of my torso. Her hands and lips have spent a lot of quality time in these areas.

  Bending down close to her face, I speak in a low voice, “I hope I’ll be able to make it through the entire run. Just the thought of your sweet little ass bouncing down the street in those shorts is making me hard.” I give her the smile and walk away.

  Once reaching the sidewalk, I turn and see her still standing in the same spot. “Mabry! Get your head in the game, baby. We got some sweatin’ to do,” I yell as I walk backward a few steps. Mabry stomps past me and slow jogs to warm up. I come up alongside her and ask, “You want me to stay in front so you can drool over my ripplin’ back muscles?” She picks up her pace and moves past me, not saying another word for the rest of the run.

  After our run I go home, take a quick shower, throw on a pair of jeans, and my sapphire blue polo. Mabry loves this shirt because it matches my eyes. Once I’m through dressing, I head to brunch at The Sweetwater Café downtown. Mabry meets with a few girlfriends the first Sunday of each month for their book club brunch. Fortunately for me, Melanie who works in our office, and Mabry have become friends and fellow book clubbers. After talking to Melanie one day at the office, I got all the info I needed about today. That’s the power of the smile.

  I walk in the door of the café and immediately spot Mabry at a corner table, with her back to me. She’s with three other ladies, one of whom is Melanie. I don’t know the other two. As I walk up, the two ladies I don’t know visibly straighten and give me flirtatious smiles. They look at each other, their eyes enlarge when they realize I’m heading directly to them.

  “Hey Sweetness and ladies,” I say, my tone cheery.

  Mabry looks up and blinks her long lashes a few times, as if she doesn’t quite believe that it’s me standing there. “Brad, what are you doing here?”

  “You are just full of questions today.”

  “Hey Brad,” Melanie squeaks out.

  “Hey Mel.” She giggles at my greeting.

  Two throats clear simultaneously. “Mabry, aren’t you going to introduce your friend?” the blonde asks.

  Mabry looks at her friends, then me, then back to her friends before answering. “This is Brad. He works with me and Melanie.”

  The blonde extends her hand. “Well, look at you. I’m Sylvie.” We shake hands.

  “Nice to meet you, Sylvie.” I give her a quick wink and she giggles.

  “And I’m Christine,” the redhead chimes in, extending her hand as well, and we shake.

  “Nice to meet you, Red.” She pulls her hand back, raising her shoulders as she giggles.

  I get the distinct impression the ladies have been partaking of the brunch drink special, Mimosas. “Brad, please join us,” Sylvie says.

  “Oh yeah, Brad, join us,” Mel agrees.

  “Please sit down, right here.” Christine slides the chair out that’s between her and Mabry and then pats the seat.

  “Brad doesn’t want to join us for our book club meeting,” Mabry protests. “He’ll be bored.”

  “No I won’t.”

  “No he won’t. Besides it’ll be great to get a male’s perspective,” Sylvie states.

  “He hasn’t even read the book,” Mabry counters.

  “I’ve read the book.”

  “He’s read the book. Sit down, Brad,” Sylvie orders.

  “Waiter! Another round of Mimosas, please. Pronto,” Christine announces.

  As I take my seat I have four sets of eyes, three smiles, and a scowl aimed in my direction. Our drinks arrive and we place our order. Once the waiter leaves, the discussion turns toward the book.

  “So our book this month, Impossible Perfection by A. K. Stewart. What did y’all think?” Sylvie begins.

  “I loved it although it made me ugly cry from seventy-five percent on,” Mel says.

  Turning to me, Christine asks, “Brad, do you know what an ugly cry is?”

  “Um… when you cry so hard that your face contorts into an ugly mess? Although, I can’t imagine any of you ladies even coming close to being unattractive.” I flash them the smile. Cue the next round of giggles.

  “Unbelievable,” Mabry mumbles under her breath.

  “Oh, don’t mind her, Brad, She’s been wound up and frustrated all week,” Sylvie informs.

  A wicked grin involuntarily appears across my face as I look over at Mabry. “Well, maybe I could help unwind you.” Three deep sighs in unison come from the other end of the table.

  “So, the book… thoughts on the book?” Mabry asks, trying to divert attention away from us.

  “The book, yeah. I loved it. Nathan was absolutely perfect. He’s right up there with Christian, Caleb, and Kellan as best book boyfriend for me,” Sylvie states.

  I continue to
stare at Mabry and fight the urge to reach over and grab her hand. I haven’t touched her in a week and I crave the contact. I halfway hear the ladies chatter on, not paying attention to who says what.

  “I wanted to slap that damn Abigail in the face, then punch her in the throat and then shake her.”

  “I know, right? Why did she keep pushing sweet perfect Nathan away? I swear I screamed several times for her to get her head out of her ass, already. He told her a thousand times he loved her.”

  “If there hadn’t been all the push-pull the book would have been the length of a pamphlet.”

  “The twist almost had me throwing my Kindle against the wall.”

  “Oh and Brantley… he was hot as hell even though he turned out to be a Smurffucker. I think there’s more to him. I hope the author writes a book about Brantley.”

  “Brad, what do you think about what Brantley did?” The sound of my name breaks me from my Mabry trance.

  “I’m sorry. What?” I look toward the other ladies.

  “What did you think about what Brantley did to Abigail?” Christine asks.

  “Well, I’m sure he had his reasons. People aren’t all bad or all good. I bet Nathan isn’t as perfect as he appeared. Brantley probably has deep issues.” I turn my focus to Mabry. “Maybe he tried to stay away, but craved her so much that he couldn’t think clearly. He needed that connection with her. He felt lost and lonely, and couldn’t imagine his life being anything but miserable if she wasn’t in it.”

  There was complete silence at the table. Mabry and I lock eyes for a few seconds before she abruptly scoots her chair back. “Excuse me. I need to go to the ladies room.”

  “Excuse me too, ladies,” I say, following after her.

  As I round the corner I see her head into the ladies single restroom. I slip in behind her, closing the door and locking it.

  “Brad, this is the ladies room,” Mabry says in a low voice.

  “I know.”

  “You’re not supposed to be in here.”