Full Throttle

by Chelsea Camaron

  Harrison’s phone rings.

  “Bray, now’s not a good time,” he answers. I don’t know what Brayden says but based on Harrison staring me down, it’s about me.

  “He’s here. He’s safe. Tell her not to worry. She should just go home and cool off.” He pauses for Brayden to talk.

  “Stay there. Keep an eye on the girls. If Kenna doesn’t feel safe tell her to stay with Maggie.”

  With that he hangs up. He comes over to the couch. As he sits down, he pulls Sophia over and onto his lap, holding her tight.

  “They had to have the prick escorted out of the club. Brayden said he was watching Kenna like a crazy man and called her a tease.” He pauses. “Dude, you really need to talk to Kenna. It doesn’t sound like something she wanted.”

  My chest tightens in pain. My Kenna was uncomfortable at the hands and eyes of another man and I left her there to deal with it. My fragile male ego was tested and I turned tail and bolted.

  Harrison sensing my confliction, “Just chill. She’s safe, you’re safe. Crash here for the night. Tomorrow you and Kenna can calmly sort all of this out.”

  “You’re right man. I’m sorry that I interrupted your evening.”

  Sophia laughs. “It’s okay we’re together almost every night. One night with extra company isn’t a big deal.”

  Together every night, huh. Before I can say anything else, Harrison scoops Sophia up in his arms. As he is carrying her to his bedroom, he calls over his shoulder to me.

  “Linen closet in the bathroom has extra blankets and pillow. Goodnight Thompson.”

  No need for a pillow or blankets, I won’t be sleeping tonight. I turn my phone off, not wanting to hear from anyone tonight.

  Going Home

  Kenna

  Knowing Jake and I are at a breaking point I can’t take being in our home. Since I have plenty of vacation and sick time built up, I send an email to work for emergency time off. There is no way I can face Chad at work right now.

  Sleep isn’t coming so I pack my car and head to my parents. Going back to the comforts of my childhood home will provide the clarity I need.

  I leave a note for Jake in case he comes home looking for me. The bar didn’t close until three am and it’s now five am. I stop at a convenience store for an energy drink and get on the road for a long drive home.

  I pull in. My mom greets me at the door.

  “Hey baby girl, where’s Jake?” She asks, hugging me.

  “Long story, mom. Can we talk later? I’m exhausted and want to rest.”

  Jake

  My mind racing, sleep never comes, not that I expected it to. Not wanting to intrude further on Harrison and Sophia, I leave just before six am. I still can’t manage to go home.

  Driving around, I find myself sitting in the driveway of my grandfather’s house. I sit there staring at the small house for the longest time.

  As I’m preparing to pull away, my mom stands in the doorway. Mixed emotions blaze through me.

  “Jake is that you?” She asks, looking sloppy in old sweats and an oversized t-shirt.

  “Yeah.” I reply unsure where this is leading.

  “Well, come on in.” She gestures for me to come inside.

  For a moment I contemplate driving off. Time for me to face my past. I get out going inside. She sets a coffee cup in front of me. Her hair is graying, wrinkles evident. My once youthful mom is looking tired and stressed. We sit in silence at the kitchen table for a while.

  “What’s wrong, Jake?”

  “Nothing, Mom.” We’ve never had the relationship to talk about anything much less something as serious as my future with Kenna. I’m reluctant to open up, but part of me wants to know what my mom feels about marriage after all these years.

  “It has to be something for you to come back to this house.”

  “Kenna and I are at a crossroad. I just need some clarity. Why are you here?” My curiosity wants to know.

  “I’m trying to grow the hell up Jake. I know it’s a little late in life. First, I owe you an apology for being so selfish for all these years. As for you and Kenna, you’re married son. You love each other. You two will work through this.”

  “No mom. We’re not married, that’s the problem.”

  “Jake, I’m sorry I assumed as long as you have been together. Why are you not married, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “Marriage doesn’t last. You know that first hand.”

  “Oh Jake, you are so wrong. It does work when you marry for the right reasons. I did it for the wrong ones over and over again. I’m sorry that you had to deal with the consequences of my immaturity and selfishness. What you and Kenna have, its real Jake. It’s the kind of love that goes beyond time here on Earth. You found unconditional love son, don’t let that get away.”

  She’s crying. I’m left speechless at her admissions.

  “Jake, most of my marriages I went into planning my divorce. I don’t know how to be alone. I have never married for love; it’s always been about security. Finding financial security, having security in my beauty, security in someone taking care of me, but it’s never been for love. Kenna loves you. Jake, you love Kenna. That, son, is the reason to get married.”

  “Mom you really think we would make it? I don’t want to risk messing up something we have that’s good. After everything, you still believe in marriage for love?”

  “Yes, Jake, I do.”

  We spend the next four hours talking about everything. For the first time I can remember, I feel connected to my mom. I leave my grandpas house with more clarity for my future than I’ve had in years.

  Where do we go from here?

  Kenna

  My parents both stare at me through dinner. I know they want to know what’s going on. Finally, I give them the cliff notes version, leaving out Chad kissing me. Neither of them react, or say anything for the longest time. The silence is maddening.

  “Say something; please tell me what to do.” I plead.

  My mom shakes her head. “Kenna, Jake is a good man. I know he hasn’t given you the traditional marriage with the ring and dress. Sweetie, he committed himself to you a long time ago.”

  Not understanding, “where is this coming from, mom? He hasn’t committed to me fully, not in the lifelong on paper way.”

  Her eyes are now glassy with unshed tears. “The Sunday before he officially took his Army oath, do you remember?”

  “Yes, we had a barbeque for all our friends and family at Pop and Grandma’s river house.”

  “Kenna, baby girl, I know you don’t think we heard, but we did. Standing at the edge of the dock, Jake made his commitment to you. He told you he loved you. He shared his concerns about protecting you, protecting your love while he was away. He thanked you for being his greatest gift in life. Right there, just the two of you, that young man committed his life to you, to your love. ‘Beyond Forever’, is what he said in a promise, in his vow.”

  My dad interjects, seeing as my mom is now crying.

  “Kenna, honey, I know it’s not the traditional way of going about things. Also, I know that it’s not a legally binding union. What he professed that day is the reason we ever allowed you two to live together in college in the first place. Jake has held true to his words. There is no doubt in my mind he will keep those promises through the very last breath he takes. He has always held true to his word. No, there’s no paper, no ring, no divorce repercussions holding him to you. Integrity and love are what binds you. He loves you unconditionally Kenna and he carries the integrity to be committed to you.” He sighs. “Would I love for you to have it all? Of course I would. To see you in the dress, walking you down the aisle would be one of my greatest moments. To give you away to a man who is not to the standard of commitment Jacob Thompson’s love has been and is, would be a discredit to you, me, and the love you have shared with him through the years. He not only loves you, he provides for you, protects you, honors, and cherishes you. All things good husbands do.
In your heart, you are his, he is yours, and you are committed on that lifetime level.”

  None of this is at all what I expected from my parents. They are right. I’ve gotten so hung up on a piece of paper I’ve lost track of what Jake and I share. The day at the dock is so vivid in my memory now. Jake has loved me with everything he has to give from the beginning.

  “How easily we forget what’s right in front of us?” I mutter to myself.

  Jake

  Finding the note from Kenna, I feel like I’ve been sucker punched in the gut. She needs time to think. The thought of losing her makes me physically ill. Without Kenna, I’m a wreck.

  No longer able to be in our home, I go to work. The way I figure it, why waste time drowning my sorrows in a bottle of Jack Daniels, when I can be turning wrenches rebuilding a piece of history. Pulling up I see that Harrison, Brayden, and Ryder are all here on a Sunday. I don’t remember the last time we all worked through a weekend together. We usually rotate even when we are backed up.

  Walking in, I hear Harrison mutter curses to himself. Not wanting to miss this opportunity to jab him a bit, I approach him.

  “Lawson, talk to yourself much?” I razz him.

  “Shut the hell up, Thompson.” He gruffly retorts.

  “Why are you here instead of hanging with Sophia?” I pipe up.

  “She told me she needs a day to herself. Since she has appointments to prepare for tonight, she picked today as that day. Why the hell are you here? You should be home with Kenna.”

  “Kenna went back to Elizabeth City. I guess she needs some time to herself as well.” I shove my hands in my pockets trying to control my nervous need to fidget.

  Brayden rounds the corner. “Must be something in the air or water. Maggie sent me home Saturday so she could have some alone time.”

  Hearing laughter, we look around to see Ryder joining us. “Damn, y’all have it bad.”

  Smirking at him, I respond. “You are sure as shit here too, what’s that say for you? Honeymoon over already, lover boy.”

  He is laughing a full belly laugh now. “Dina has decided that the house is too plain and dull. It’s in dire need of color; her words not mine. She actually has Maggie over there to help paint. I’m here avoiding a honey do list, fellas. I paint cars, not walls.”

  We all laugh. My chest tightens. Will I get a chance at another honey do list from Kenna?

  Ready

  Kenna

  It’s been three days that I’ve been back at my parents. Not one word from Jake. Dina and Maggie both say he’s quieter than usual but okay. I miss him. I miss us.

  Deciding I need some air and time to contemplate, I take a walk on an area of the Pasquotank River. It’s always soothed me. Taking in the pine trees, the water, and the overall sounds of nature, I feel at peace in a way I haven’t in a while.

  My mom is right. Jake has kept every promise he made to me that day on the dock. We were young and naïve to the world, to real, long lasting relationships. Yet, he has held true to every innocent promise he made. He’s provided for me, and has always made sure I was protected. We bought the house next door to Ryder, so someone he trusted would be there when he couldn’t. He’s supported my dreams, my goals, my aspirations, following me where I wanted to go. He’s loved me, cherished me, and honored our love. Never has another woman crossed his mind in the sense of a different relationship. I can’t even say that. Foolishly, I allowed myself to wonder what a relationship with another man would be like. Furthermore, I allowed that thought to cause a bigger drift between Jake and me.

  Wondering, lost in my own thoughts, I keep walking. Finally looking up, I’m standing in front of Jake’s aunt’s house. Memories flood me of a much younger Jake.

  When he first came here, he was so angry. Even at school, you could sense that he was a boy on edge. Yes, he did well in school, played sports, and worked hard at his afterschool job. Underneath the day to day, there was a deep anger permeating in his eyes. Jake was always in control though, never letting his temper get too out of hand. Once we started dating though, his eyes softened, the anger dissipated. He always told me, I saved him from himself. He was truly mad at the world, lost, and in our relationship he found his place. He has always called me his home. He once told my dad he was born to take care of me, to be with me. Firmly rooted in this belief Jake has stood by me, taken care of me, watched over me, encouraged me, and supported me.

  He’s given me everything and I’ve taken it all greedily, asking for more even now. It dawns on me, in this moment, Jake has given me everything I’ve ever asked for without hesitation. Yet, I made it not enough. It’s never been that Jake doesn’t love me enough; it’s been my selfish need for more. I not only asked, I’ve practically demanded the one thing from him that he’s always said he couldn’t give me. Not only have I necessitated this, I’ve slowly hurt the man I love in the process. He wants to give me a marriage, but he has hang ups. Hang ups I knew of from the beginning. Instead of calling me out on my self-interested desire, he’s been fighting within himself to keep me happy.

  Happiness, real, deep down happiness can be found in acceptance and contentment. I have no reason to complain, Jake is a good man. He’s kind, considerate, caring, loving, intelligent, passionate, devoted, courageous, honorable, committed, focused, brave, and sexy as hell. Women would love to have a man like him. People get married and still don’t manage to have the devotion and love to one another that I have from Jake. Why did I allow myself to get so wrapped up in a title? I have the real relationship at home. Whether I have a piece of paper legally making Jake my husband or not, he is, in every other way possible.

  Jake

  The buzz of the machine is whirling through my ears. The mild burning, tingling feeling of the needle as it pierces the ink into my skin takes me out of my head. The ring is now resting in my bag outside in the truck. I’m ready to give Kenna everything she’s ever dreamed.

  Sophia’s voice brings me out of my thoughts. “So, I get the words. I obviously understand the initials, why puzzle pieces? Just curious.”

  “Kenna and I fit together like two pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. She was made to fit me, complete me. The words ‘she holds me beyond forever’ are just that: she holds me down and has from the beginning and will through the end. She tames my wild, keeps me grounded and focused.”

  Sophia looks up from her artwork smiling. She wipes the excess ink and blood away as she continues.

  “You’re sure about her initial with your initial inside the puzzle piece? Because I’ve been tattooing for years Jake, names and initials, that’s a huge commitment.”

  Grinning, I answer in complete confidence with my decision. “Yea and so is the ring I have waiting to give her.”

  “No shit! Really?”

  “Yes to all of it. That’s why only her first initial, soon she will have my last name.” Saying it, I’m proud. It’s not suffocating anymore; it’s comforting now. I flinch a little as Sophia hits a tender spot.

  She laughs. “Good thing you plan on going all the way then. With this tat’s location, any woman giving you a blow job will have Kenna’s ‘K’ in their face.”

  I laugh thinking about that. Yes, looking at it I realize, the puzzle pieces are low in the V of my hip, slightly to the left. The two pieces connected together with a ‘K’ inside one and ‘J’ inside the other. ‘She holds me beyond forever’ is written in small script around them.

  Now, I begin to wonder what Kenna will think. I’ve never gotten ink without her being present. Sophia has done all my work except the angel on my chest and praying hands on my right shoulder blade. My tribal piece of that enwraps my left shoulder and upper arm, the eagle on my right arm, the Chevy Bel-air hood piece from the late fifties on my back are all by Sophia’s design. Harrison is now sporting some work by Sophia as well. Thinking about it, she’s inked all of us except Kenna who remains a blank canvas.

  She finishes up still smiling. Once I’m gooped up, bandaged, and ready
to go, Sophia asks, “You going to get her now?”

  “That’s the plan. Thanks Sophia. And not that it’s any of my business, but Harrison is a good guy underneath it all. Give him a chance.”

  “Go on Jake.” Is all she says.

  Anxious Energy

  Kenna

  I’ve text and called Jake a handful of times today. No response. I need him to know I love him. It’s well after dinner now, being impatient and currently very insecure, thanks to how I left things, I call Dina.

  “Hey, have you seen Jake around?”

  “No. Ryder said Jake needed a couple of days off. Starting yesterday, he asked us to keep an eye on the house for him because he was going to be out of town. I figured he was there with you by now.”

  “He’s not. Well, thanks for watching the house. I’ll be home Sunday.”

  “You okay, Kenna?” She asks with genuine concern.

  “I don’t know. I’m worried about Jake. I have finally become okay with Jake and me never getting married, and now I can’t find him to tell him. What if I’m too late? What if I’ve pushed too hard?”

  “Oh, Kenna, real love has a way of working itself out. What you and Jake have, it’s real. Look at Ryder and me; look at Brayden and Maggie, after everything we’ve all managed to make things work. You and Jake will too.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  We continue to catch up for a few minutes before finally hanging up. Worry and doubt are consuming me. I hope Jake is okay where ever he is. I also hope he’s missing me as much as I’m missing him.

  Jake

  Times like these, I recognize just how fortunate I am. We all feel alone sometimes, even when we shouldn’t. I may not have the closest of blood family, but I have a close family. My friends are my family; Kenna’s family has loved me like one of their own from the beginning. When I deploy, they all send me care packages as well. So, of course, I need to include all of them in what I’m doing. Pulling this off requires that Kenna not know I’m in town. My choices are stay in a hotel or at Grandma and Pops house. Kenna’s dad, Corbin, insisted I stay here and not at a hotel even though I got in super late.