Frosting on the Cake

by Karin Kallmaker

  It mattered little now, when her body responded so quickly to Teresa’s touch. She helped Teresa’s hand slide under the waistband of her pants, eager for the caress of Teresa’s fingers. Her mouth was suddenly dry and she knew what would quench her thirst. She knew that Teresa would want that; she readily admitted she would never get enough. Another way Louisa and Teresa were different.

  Louisa was too much in her head, Rayann suddenly realized. It was Teresa who said, “How nice,” at what her fingers quickly reveled in. Teresa who pinned her against the sink and murmured, “I have no intention of going to the movies tonight.”

  “Let me get my clothes off,” Rayann gasped.

  “Not right now,” Teresa whispered in her ear. “You feel too good right now.”

  The next few minutes were exquisite torture. As wonderful as Teresa’s precise stroking felt, Rayann wasn’t sure it was enough, but all at once she knew it was. Her temples throbbed with crimson lightning as Teresa’s voice urged her to climax. As if she had a choice, when Teresa knew so clearly how to make it happen.

  Teresa looked smug when Rayann caught her breath and turned around. Her expression quickly changed when Rayann shed the rest of her clothes without breaking eye contact. Then she advanced on Teresa, who backed up until she was against the opposite counter.

  “This will be easier if you take off your sweatpants,” Rayann said. “Or do you want me to do it for you?”

  Teresa lost no time shedding her pants. When she would have pulled off her T-shirt as well, Rayann stopped her.

  “We’ll get there soon enough.” She pushed Teresa up onto the counter and slipped her bare shoulders under Teresa’s legs. “Right now this is what I want.”

  What mattered most was the sound of Teresa’s moans. Vocal, specific, needy, they told Rayann she was desired and loved. Louisa had not often wanted this yet Rayann loved it so much. How wonderful that Teresa was begging for it not to stop, not yet, for it to go on and on.

  Rayann made it last as long as it seemed Teresa could stand it. The sunset gently illuminated Teresa’s face when Rayann finally pulled Teresa into her arms. The kiss that followed was full of promise and hunger. Teresa shed her T-shirt as they moved to the darkened bedroom.

  Rayann settled on her back and pulled Teresa on top of her, kisses and hands teasing. Eyes closed, she gave herself up to Teresa’s mouth on her heaving shoulders, her hardening breasts, her churning hips. Legs open, inviting, she pressed Teresa downward with a throaty plea.

  The colors behind her eyelids mutated from white to black, yellow to purple. It had been a long time since it had felt this good to have fingers pressing inside while a demanding tongue left no part of her wanting. Her life might not be even half over and she’d been blessed by incredible lovers who knew what her body craved.

  How much longer? She couldn’t stand it. It felt too good, so loved. She opened her eyes to interwoven moons and stars. Her sky was outlined by a briar border of golden leaves and red roses.

  The body entangled with her legs was too far away to reach. She heard a voice, husky, demanding.

  She was coming undone, something was unraveling. Louisa. It couldn’t be. It had to be. The tapestry was above her, and the last place she had seen it was over the bed she had shared with Louisa for so many years. She had to be in their bed, above the bookstore. They had made love and sold books and made love and cooked and talked and made love. Nine years of profound happiness. It hadn’t ended, her body knew it had not.

  She cried out because she had no choice. Muscles contracted hard against the fingers that were so sure she wasn’t done yet and she wasn’t, there was more and she cried out again. Memory collided with the present and left her breathless. Arms were around her. A soft voice cooed that everything was okay.

  Where was the hair, the curtain of silver and black that ought to have surrounded her during these grateful kisses? She touched short curls and saw then unexpected eyes and a trembling mouth that curved with a loving smile.

  Dear God. Please, God, let me not have called her Lou. It was all Rayann could think for a moment, that she had called Teresa by the wrong name. But her darling Reese was smiling so tenderly. She shuddered then, knowing she had not been at this door before, not in the year and more she and Teresa had been lovers. Never once had she thought Reese was Louisa.

  She looked up and saw the tapestry again. She had not imagined it. She ought to have listened, ought to have at least held Teresa for a moment, a recognition of the wonderful passion they had just shared.

  She had not done any of that. She looked up at the tapestry that vividly reminded her of Louisa and their lovemaking, looked up and knew every color and stitch. She had said, “What the hell were you thinking?”

  I only wanted to show her I wasn’t jealous of Louisa, Teresa thought. But she wouldn’t even listen. The bed had been warm and welcoming, but had been quickly chilled with anger.

  She had been fiercely jealous of Louisa at first, anybody would have been. Louisa was a saint, a paragon of virtues, a fabulous lover, a woman of convictions and confidence. She knew that Rayann tried not to talk about her that much, but the phrases “Louisa thought” and “Louisa said” were not unknown to Teresa. Louisa had read every fucking book on the planet, Teresa thought bitterly, and had had opinions about all of them, and why not?

  You, on the other hand, haven’t read a book in years. She railed at herself for all her flaws, for all the ways she was not the hallowed Louisa and never would be. Her father had tried to tell her that her very difference from Louisa was very likely what attracted Rayann most.

  She didn’t want to be loved because of who she wasn’t. She stood on the bed and untied the tapestry from the posts. She knew what it represented to Rayann. It had belonged to Louisa and her first lover, Chris. After Chris died, Louisa had kept it and eventually Rayann had slept under it. Rayann had even said that at first she had been uncomfortable to share her bed with something that had to evoke strong memories of another woman in Louisa. But she accepted it because Louisa proved, over and over, that Rayann was the only woman in her mind.

  She had only wanted to make that point to Rayann—that she knew Louisa would always be there, but she knew also that Rayann loved her. She didn’t mind what the tapestry represented to Rayann. It was a part of her and always would be. That was all.

  Rayann had been hysterical. Okay, she should have never touched the thing. But…but to tell her to get out?

  Teresa folded the heavy fabric gently, fighting the urge to rip it to shreds. Rayann had sealed the tapestry away after having it carefully cleaned and preserved, and certainly the bed didn’t need the tapestry to be beautiful. The four tall posts of fired olive wood had been thickly carved by Rayann herself, a twining of vines and roses that were their own art. In quiet moments Rayann would add another leaf or hint of vine so that the work never ended.

  She couldn’t get the tapestry back in the cleaner’s bag, so she just left it on the chair. She began to get dressed, then realized she needed to wash her face and hands.

  Her hands were fragrant with Rayann, her mouth and chin raw with the proof of Rayann’s need. It had been an incredible climax, unbelievable after the fierce passion that Rayann had always displayed. Rayann had only begged, “Yes, please, please” but every movement of her body had scroamed, “More, harder, now.”

  Teresa went back to dressing, her movements leaden and unfocused. She ought not have touched something that so vividly represented Louisa. She knew that now. It had been a mistake.

  But when, her own sense of self asked, when would she matter like that to Rayann?

  It was the anniversary of their moving in together, after all. If the answer was never, then it was time to move out. Rayann should not have shouted, should not have thrown her out. But maybe it was still time to go.

  How dare you! What were you thinking? It wasn’t for you to decide!

  Teresa had tried to explain, but Rayann hadn’t been able to hear over h
er anger and pain. Teresa had unilaterally decided it was time to let Louisa’s spirit float around their bed. Teresa didn’t know anything about what that tapestry meant. The first time Louisa had made love to her Rayann had felt pushed to those stars by Louisa’s touch. The next morning she’d felt captured by golden borders of briar roses. Teresa had no right to touch it, no right to decide it was time to test Rayann like that. What had Teresa really wanted?

  She wants me to tell her I love her more than Louisa. That won’t happen. It’s not a case of more or better. She wanted to manipulate me into choosing, Rayann told herself. That’s why I’m so angry.

  That’s why…

  The Muni train suddenly lurched into motion and Rayann covered her eyes as the streetcar slowly moved through the crowd still streaming toward PacBell Park. There were the usual shouts and thumps and she shut it all out.

  The old bitterness was easy to wallow in. She’d held it close for a long time, until Teresa had finally eased the grief. Her therapist friend Judy said it was time to stop hating the drunk driver, but Rayann was a long way from there. If he’d been sober, if Louisa had been ten feet one way or the other crossing the intersection, then Louisa would be alive, and they’d still be loving each other under the tapestry. There would be no Teresa in her life.

  It wasn’t fair, that she should have to know this bittersweet agony. Knowing that of course and without hesitation she would give anything to have Louisa alive. Did she want it so because she was safe knowing it would never be? She would never really have to choose because Louisa would not suddenly come back to life.

  She asked herself if Teresa really wanted that declaration. Did generous, sympathetic Reese really want Rayann to say, “I’m glad Louisa died so I could find you”?

  No. That was not Teresa. That could not be what Teresa wanted.

  The train finally eased into Embarcadero station and Rayann got off. She knew she had to go back, and it would only be a matter of minutes before a train would arrive in the right direction. She decided to walk home, even though she felt exhausted. Walking would help her think. Anger led to exhaustion. She remembered that all too well, having spent all those months after Louisa’s death being so angry all she could do was sleep and dread the next day.

  Who are you really angry with, Ray? Judy would ask that question, and Rayann paused at a pay phone. It was approaching eight o’clock, which was Joyner’s bedtime. Judy would be in no mood to talk, not with her bed-resistant daughter clamoring in the background.

  She plodded on, certain she knew whom she was angry with, and not wanting to face facts.

  How dare you! What were you thinking? It wasn’t for you to decide!

  Teresa knew Rayann’s bad side—that had been the woman she first met. Angry and poisonously sharp-tongued, Rayann lost no time slicing Teresa to emotional ribbons. Later, meeting under fresh circumstances, Rayann had not even remembered. She hadn’t been angry anymore, just frozen.Teresa didn’t learn about Louisa until after she had fallen in love all over again with the Rayann who finally let go of grieving. Passionate without the anger, patient and understanding. Teresa had accepted that she would never be what Louisa had been to Rayann. But she wanted to be more than what she was.

  She wanted to somehow show Rayann that she had done some growing up. She could live with the shadow of Louisa. She accepted that the shadow was there.

  She didn’t know where she would go, but Teresa knew she didn’t want to face another flaying at Rayann’s hands. Things would be said that could not be taken back. It wasn’t time to leave for good. It couldn’t be.They just needed some breathing room and then Rayann would be able to talk about it.

  Her dad would be really proud of her. She was usually the one who engaged mouth a full minute ahead of brain.

  She would leave a note. Something to indicate that she had not taken Rayann’s ultimatum seriously, but she understood that they needed to calm down before they could deal with the problem.

  Teresa lost her nerve with the pencil and paper in her hand. She could not bring herself to write a single word of what might end up being the last thing she said to Rayann.

  I’ve gotten even grayer, Rayann thought. She had stopped to see how much it appeared she’d been crying, but the dim reflection in the shop window didn’t show much beyond her hair being flecked with yet more gray. She searched for her eyes, but they were lost in shadow.

  It was easier to talk to herself when she couldn’t see her eyes. “Face facts,” she said aloud. “You’re a self-indulgent bitch and you’ll be lucky if she’s still there.”

  Self-indulgent, she echoed, as she hurried toward the south of Market building where they lived. Maybe the moment and the tapestry carried you away, but you knew Teresa was the one screwing the proverbial daylights out of you. You just thought you’d pretend for a moment, see if you could get away with it. What could be more fun than being in bed with two women at the same time, cheating on both of them and neither knowing?

  A bitch to make it all Teresa’s fault when the person you’re really mad at is yourself. You let this happen. Teresa doesn’t want you to choose. You don’t know what she was trying to do because all you did was yell and grab clothes and storm out. Running is easier than talking.

  It was certainly easier than admitting you’d been thinking about Louisa the entire time Teresa was fucking you. Easier to run away.

  She was running now, helter-skelter toward home, hoping Reese was still there and would understand. Reese loves you, she reminded herself. She’s put up with a lot of shit from you because she knows you’re still hurting. She’ll give you one more chance.

  The challenge, Rayann told herself, with her lungs aching and muscles in her legs screaming, the challenge was to make this the last chance she would need. It was time to tell Teresa how she felt. A year was too long to avoid the words just because Teresa understood why she had not been able to say them at first.

  She swiped her building keycard and dashed to the elevator. It was maddeningly slow but at least she knew that Teresa wasn’t using it to leave.

  Her lungs ached and her legs protested that she was even standing. Key in the lock. The lights were on. Reese was there. She had a pen in her hand and looked uncertain, chagrined and unhappy all at once.

  “I didn’t mean it,” Rayann gasped, then she collapsed on the floor and focused on breathing.

  Teresa’s expression mutated to relief mixed with anger, remorse and more than enough pain to bring tears to Rayann’s eyes. How had she ever thought Teresa too young to feel like that?

  “It was my fault,” Teresa said. “I should have left it alone.”

  Rayann waved her hands, not able to speak coherently. She needed more exercise, obviously. But not running. Her bosoms would eventually knock her unconscious. “Wait.”

  Teresa seemed on the verge of tears, but she was almost smiling when she handed Rayann an icy bottle of water from the fridge. It felt wonderful going down and Rayann got back to her feet. Teresa was already tall enough without trying to talk to her from the floor.

  “I ran halfway from Market Street,” she explained.

  Teresa arched an eyebrow. She wouldn’t think anything of a run that distance. “I think I’m flattered.”

  “Don’t,” Rayann said carefully. “Don’t make a joke. Don’t let me off the hook.” She swallowed the last of the water and gave Teresa her full attention. “I’ve been a bitch.”

  “Not really—”

  “Yes, I have. I’ve been having it both ways. Loving both of you, as if she’s alive.”

  “I don’t want you to stop loving her,” Teresa said passionately.

  “I can’t. But I love you.”

  Teresa gulped back whatever she had been going to say. “Could you…could you say that again?”

  In all this time Rayann had never said it. She’d told herself it meant she would lose Louisa for good. But she had already lost Louisa. She could not lose Teresa, too. “I love you, Reese. I have fo
r some time. I mean, I’ve really known it. But I didn’t say so.”

  “You thought you were betraying her. I understand.” Teresa was so willing to forgive.

  “It’s more complicated than that. I was loving both of you. A paradise with you in bed and her in my mind.” Her voice faltered. “It wasn’t fair.”

  “You mean—like today? You were thinking about her?” Teresa looked stunned.

  It was hard to go on. “Yes, and I got lost. The tapestry made it so easy to pretend.”

  “I don’t want to be her stand-in.” Teresa’s eyes turned bitter.

  “You’re not,” Rayann said fiercely. “That’s just it. You’re not.” She put her hands on Teresa’s shoulders. “I was just being selfish.”

  “I understand.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  “Well, I’m trying!” Teresa shook off her touch. “You finally say you love me and admit you’re fantasizing about her while we’re in bed. I’m sorry she died, I’m sorry about what you went through when she was in the hospital all those months. But what if she was just an ex-lover? Being with me, thinking about her—you’re right, it’s not fair, it’s been long enough for—”

  “Yes, I know. It’s been long enough. I was being selfish and indulgent and I want to do better. If you’ll let me try.

  “Of course I want to try,” Teresa said through tears. “What’s the other choice?”

  “Nothing I can even consider,” Rayann said slowly. “I’ve loved every minute of living with you. Almost a year—”

  “A year,” Teresa echoed.

  “Just about—”

  “No, it’s been a year.”

  Good lord, Rayann thought. She didn’t need to look at a calendar to confirm. “I’m so sorry. I forgot.” Okay, another mark on the selfish record. So it’s been crazy at work. It’s always crazy at work.