The Risk

by Ford, Mia

  L: Hey, sis.

  S: What happened last night? Holly came home and went right to bed with ear buds on. I couldn’t get anything out of her about the pictures.

  L: Didn’t Mom talk to you? It was just a misunderstanding.

  S: She said something about you getting Holly through a crowd? What’s that about?

  L: It was crowded, and they were rowdy.

  S: She was supposed to be doing school work with someone. Why was she downtown?

  L: Eating from what she said. I didn’t ask.

  S: Are you going to be at dinner?

  L: I am. I’ll see you later.

  I dropped the phone and sighed. That was easier through text than it would have been in person. I hoped that Shelly would forget about it. I didn’t have the strength to lie in person. I thought about the fact that Holly got home fine even if she did hide in bed. It meant that she was safe.

  I showered and headed over for dinner, distracted with worry. I saw Shelly’s car in the driveway and sighed, wishing that Holly was with her. I knew she wasn’t and got out, heading into the house to greet my family. Little was mentioned about last night other than mild complaining that the media took everything too seriously. I laughed that off and we moved on to talk about hockey and the upcoming week.

  It took everything I had not to ask Shelly about Holly before we left for the night. I did sit in my car and send Holly a text, asking if she was okay. I didn’t expect her to answer me and she didn’t. I started my car and turned up the radio for the ride home.

  How was this going to pan out? She would need to talk to someone soon.

  I went home and went to bed, trying to sleep early to prepare for an early practice. It was going to be a busy week which was just what I needed to keep my mind off Holly. I didn’t sleep well though. I kept thinking about how it felt to be with her. It wasn’t just the sex but the way we got along. I enjoyed talking to her as we ate at the diner, making her laugh and smile. I sensed that she hadn’t done a lot of that before meeting my sister. I didn’t know enough about her yet to know for sure, but there was something innocent about Holly. I didn’t see that too often in a woman.

  I woke up grumpy and drank a few cups of coffee to get myself going. We had an early and long practice today to prepare for tonight’s game. We all had to work together as a team. I reminded myself that playing for the pros was my dream. I could be happy this way and anything else I was meant to have would fall into place.

  It was that thought that got me through the week along with a few victories. My family was at every game but I never saw Holly and it made me wonder about her. I even sent a few more messages to her, but they never came through. Shelly only said that they were both busy with school but I couldn’t ask too much to begin with. I couldn’t let on how much I wanted to know about her.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Holly

  Once I realized I was going to be spending a lot of time in my room, I feigned a cold after a few days. Shelly was worried, but I told her I was conserving my energy for classes and resting when I was here. I assured her that the project was fine since I was using that as an excuse for being gone that weekend. I told her I’d be fine and after she got caught up in school again, Shelly was distracted. I only cried when I was alone, missing Logan more than anything.

  I wanted him back, but I needed to go along with the lie.

  He sent a few texts asking how I was. I deleted them and didn’t answer. There was no need to and I could avoid him easily. I just wouldn’t see Shelly’s wonderful family again, at least not for a while. I missed them as much as I missed Logan.

  Shelly asked me to go to every home game with her for the next several weeks but I always claimed that I was too busy. I watched some of them on the TV in my room, haunted by how tired Logan looked as he struggled with his focus. Shelly didn’t mention that he was sick or anything and I never asked. I wondered if he missed me as much as I did him.

  She also asked me to family dinner, and I turned her down. I had to study or work on a paper even though I wasn’t as busy as I pretended to be. I was handling school as well as I could in the situation. I was trying hard not to lose Shelly in this process but I felt us drifting apart.

  It was the beginning of November and eight weeks after I walked away from Logan. I was making plans to go back and see my family for Thanksgiving despite not feeling it at all. Shelly was excited about the break, planning to stay with her parents and celebrate the holiday.

  She looked at me one night and tilted her head.

  “What’s going on with you, Holly? You’ve been so quiet. You look tired.” She’d been leaving me alone when I told her that everything was fine and that I was just busy. I could tell that she was losing patience with me.

  I had been feeling off for the last couple of weeks. I was tired and feeling nauseous, but I was also barely eating.

  “I just need a break from school. I’ve been working so hard,” I lied as she sipped her water, looking at me with shrewd eyes. It was hard to hide anything from Shelly and trying was exhausting.

  “Are you sure you want to go see your folks? My family has a great plan and you already know everybody. It’ll be fun.” Shelly smiled as pain sliced through me.

  “I promised them I’d be there. I haven’t been since school started and with it being the holidays and all, I feel like I should.” I forced a smile to my face and shrugged. “Maybe for Christmas. I doubt I’ll be there the entire time since they travel.”

  “Sure. You’re always welcome.” Shelly searched my face as she dropped against her pillows. “Want to go out to dinner and see a movie this weekend? The team is traveling and I haven’t seen too much of you. We could get a few people together or just go on our own,” I hoped that she wouldn’t bring up Corey again since she stopped seeing his friend a week ago. Since Shelly didn’t know anything about Logan and assumed I should see Corey again, she asked about another double date up until she was single again.

  I felt bad always being too busy for her. It was hard to know that I made my choice to leave Logan to keep Shelly as my best friend and only ended up pulling away further. What a shit situation.

  “That would be great. I haven’t gone out in what feels like forever. Can we get Thai? I’ve been craving that.” I suggested as she nodded. “Let’s keep it to just us. I haven’t hung out with you in a long time.”

  “Of course. I’d like that.” Shelly seemed happy and I grinned at her, feeling better than I had in a while.

  I still felt sick during dinner. I managed to get a few bites in and even had some popcorn at the theater but it didn’t sit well with me. I did enjoy talking to Shelly about the new guy she was seeing and classes. I even managed to talk about her family a bit without showing my pain. Even though the movie was a romance, I tried to focus on the comedy aspect of it. I felt like I’d never have love in my life now, having walked away from my chance.

  I left for my parent’s house a week later. I drove since it wasn’t too far. It was some nice time alone to think about things for me. I was still sick and starting to worry and when I stopped for some food, I glanced across the street at the drugstore while I nibbled on a hamburger. I counted the weeks since I ended things with Logan and feeling sick wasn’t a good sign. I was on the pill and faithful with it. I was so good about taking it.

  Things happened though. I’d rather find out if I was in trouble on my own and have time to deal with reality. It could be harsh and a tear slid down my cheek as I finished my food and went to park in the lot of the store.

  I bought three pregnancy tests and paid for them silently. The young girl at the register scanned them and shot me a look of sympathy as she gave me my total. I guess it looked like I wasn’t happy. I thanked her quietly and walked out to my car as I glanced around. I still had several hours before I reached New York and I hopped into my car to use the bathroom at a gas station.

  I locked the door behind me, settling in to use the tests before slippi
ng them into a plastic bag. I washed my hands and frowned as I looked in the mirror. I shouldn’t be doing this alone.

  I walked out and got back in the car. I’d drive a while before I checked them. I’d still have time to work through this and figure out what to do about it.

  I hoped like hell that I wasn’t pregnant. I was too young and didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell my parents and I knew that Logan would feel responsible for the baby. He’d do the right thing and probably want to marry me to make things right. I’d never let him do that with such a great future. There were other options.

  I waited about an hour to pull over at another gas station. I grabbed some coffee and sipped it in the car as I reached into the bag for one of the tests. Sighing, I glanced down at it and ice flooded my veins.

  The tears flowed as I kept driving. I needed to get them out before I arrived in New York. I couldn’t let my parents see that something was wrong with me and I needed to pull it together before I went back to the dorms. I could make this better and I sobbed as I thought about the baby I was carrying. It made the drive that much longer and I wondered what the hell I was thinking when I planned this.

  I was composed when I pulled into the driveway of my childhood home. My parents weren’t even home, and I walked up to my room, dropping my bag onto the floor before I crawled into my old bed. I covered up and closed my eyes, exhausted from the last few hours of crying and worrying about how much I messed up my future. I woke up to daylight and assumed that my mom let me sleep in as I rolled over to look at the door.

  I pretended things were fine, but I wasn’t close to my parents to begin with. It was all formalities with them and I ate when I was supposed to and said all the right things. School was wonderful, and I had a lot of great friends. I was getting high grades as they expected me to since they were paying for my education. Everything was perfect as far as they knew.

  The chef made an amazing dinner for the holiday and I made sure to eat enough so they wouldn’t be suspicious of anything. Mom and Dad spoke about their architecture firm and new projects as I nodded in the right places. That was all that they wanted from me. I had friends from high school that were also visiting and I went out with them just to leave the house. We went out to dinner to catch up on old times or the movies. There was some shopping but my mind was racing through all of it. I knew that I wasn’t focused and wasn’t stupid enough to think that they didn’t notice. Still, I played it off as just being tired from school.

  Shelly called a few times during my visit and I was cheerful every time we spoke. I told her to tell her family Happy Thanksgiving for me and assured her that I was watching some games on TV here. During my first dinner here, I even mentioned to Dad that my roommate had a brother that played for our local NHL team. I wanted it to be a way for us to bond. I wanted him to take me to a game, but he didn’t take the bait.

  I left the Thursday before school started up again. Mom was worried about me driving so far and offered me a plane ticket. She asked if I needed a car there since the town seemed small enough. She’d put enough money in my account to get something in Canada if I did. I took her up on her offer and ended up leaving Friday evening on a plane. The seat was in first class and I settled back, dropping off to sleep as soon as we were in the air.

  I’d called Shelly to let her know the new plans, and she told me that she’d pick me up. I walked off the plane and got my suitcase before turning to scan the entrance, seeing my friend waving. I walked over to her, hugging Shelly as I closed my eyes.

  I did manage to get to a doctor during my visit home and I was just over two months pregnant. Everything looked healthy and when the doctor asked if I needed to discuss my options with her, I went into her office. I could never terminate this pregnancy. I was considering adoption which might work if Logan never saw me. I’d tell Shelly that I had a fling and I wasn’t keeping the baby. It would be hard as hell to keep this in but I needed to. I didn’t want to force Logan into anything.

  Shelly drove me back to the dorms, chatting about her holiday. She had fun and spend several nights at her parents. Logan was there as well, but he had games and Shelly mentioned that he was seeing someone. That stung, but she said it was casual. I tortured myself that night with the news in the dark, crying softly. What did I expect him to do? I walked away and never made any attempt to speak to him again.

  I even looked him up on the computer and saw a few pictures with a pretty honey blonde girl. Everyone was speculating that Logan was finally settling down with the new physical therapist of his team and the pictures with me were old news.

  I started back at school and continued to hide the pregnancy. I was scared to tell anyone, and it wasn’t until Shelly found me throwing up in the bathroom one evening that she sat me down on my bed.

  “What the hell is going on?” Her eyes were sharp as she gazed at me, worry all over her face. “You’ve looked a little worse for wear for some time, Holly. I thought you were just working yourself too hard. It seems like more to me.” She narrowed her eyes. “Spit it out, Holly. I am so tired of you hiding shit from me.”

  I sipped my vitamin water slowly, willing my stomach to settle down. I needed to get this out the way I’d planned.

  “I didn’t tell you at the time but I had a fling with a guy a few months back. Just a weekend and it was nothing to either of us.” I looked at her. “I forgot all about it until recently when I started to feel awful. I found out I was pregnant in New York.” Her mouth dropped open at my words and she scurried across the room to pull me into her arms.

  “Oh my God. Have you told him? Are you okay, Holly?” I closed my eyes and felt my heart break into more pieces.

  “Everything is healthy so far. I didn’t tell him because we were never serious. I know he doesn’t want to be a dad and to be honest, I am too young to be a mom. I was thinking about adoption for this baby and I have just been thinking it over.” I shrugged and offered her a weak smile.

  “You’re not telling him?” She asked me again, and I nodded. “It’s his baby too.”

  “This guy was such a manwhore. We were careful on both ends but I guess things happen. I am sure that everything will be fine.” I tried to sound confident and hold the tears back.

  “Did you tell your parents?” Shelly asked as I thought back to the torturous vacation.

  “No. They would never understand.” I wrapped my arms around her. “This is my problem to deal with.”

  “It’s mine too. I’ll help you any way that I can.” Shelly promised me as I felt some relief. “When is your next appointment?”

  I had my friend back even if it was in the middle of a web of lies. I’d stress the character of the father so she’d let it go and agree that I was making the right decision. It had to work out.

  It got complicated when her family wanted to see me. Her mom wanted to help me as well. I wanted to fight it since that brought me closer to Logan finding out. I knew he would anyway but hoped that he didn’t think that it was his. I agreed to have lunch with her mother one weekend before they attended a game. I don’t know how but Shelly convinced me to go to the game, and I slipped my jersey over my head, hiding any trace if this pregnancy.

  We met at a burger place and Linda pulled me into her arms tightly. I knew that she’d been filled in on the new developments of my life and embraced her back.

  “How are you feeling?” Linda asked once we were seated at a table with our food. She was leaning forward and looking closely at me as I smiled.

  “My appetite is back. I’m so glad.” I picked up my burger and took a bite as Shelly smiled.

  “The first few months are always hard,” Linda told me with a warm gaze, picking up a fry. “Of course, the last few are no picnic either.”

  “I can just imagine. I hope that I get through it fine.” I moaned as I imagined the next few months. I was such an idiot for being so careless with Logan.

  “Are you sure about doing this on your own, Holly? The father
might be receptive to the idea and you’d have options that way.” Linda spoke softly, and I reached for my lemonade, taking a long sip.

  “He’s not the baby type. I made a mistake with that one but I am going to talk to an adoption agency soon and find some people that can show this baby the love it deserves. It will be okay and I can try again when I am older and settled,” I assured her as she nodded sadly. “It’s going to work out. I promise.”

  We finished lunch, falling silent until we were walking into the arena. I followed the women to the box where I hugged Shelly’s father and greeted her aunt and uncle. I missed this family more than I could ever say and observed them as they watched the players on the ice.

  I walked over reluctantly, finding Logan immediately. It hurt to see him and I bit my lip gently to reign in my emotions. His hair was longer and tousled and I remembered the way it felt to hold it in my hands. I clenched my fists and forced the memory away as I tried to focus on the surrounding conversation. When the game started, I took a seat and just watched. I was mesmerized and breaking at the same time as Logan showed the skill and confidence that attracted me to him in the first place.

  Being pregnant made me incredibly horny on top of everything else. I’d give anything to have Logan again, filling me and giving me the orgasms that I craved so much. I bought a couple of vibrators and used them when I was in the dorms alone. I fantasized about Logan every time.

  After the game, I followed everyone to greet Logan on his three goals. He was playing excellent these days, and it made me feel slightly better about my decision to leave him. I hung back, nervously sipping my lemonade as the guys started coming out. They all looked good in their shirts and ties but Logan was going to be the most gorgeous one on the team. I saw him approaching us and told Shelly that I was going to use the bathroom. I hurried off and wasted a few minutes in the stall before leaving, hoping that he was gone.