Unwanted

by Leigh Lennon

  Looking at my watch, since I’m not allowed a cell phone in this place, I see it is almost seven p.m. his time. Knowing him, he took the late shift at the clinic, letting Ty and the new doctor who has a family leave, since on every Friday, the clinic is opened until six.

  Grabbing the phone, I call him at home. I’m almost sure it’ll go to voicemail, but then I hear him breathless on the other line.

  “Hello,” he says, and I wonder if he has just gotten in from his run.

  “Dad?” I say. Rose and Kai don’t call him dad, and I’m the only other kid he has. Plus, he knows my voice.

  “Ems?” he says when I hear him take a long, deep breath. “Emma, honey, oh, honey.” It sounds as if my dad is crying.

  “Dad, please don’t be mad or sad.”

  He’s not speaking on the other end, and I realize he’s truly crying. “Honey, I have been so upset and worried and sad and—well, hell, I’m not sure, but I’m so fucking glad to hear your voice.”

  “I’m sorry I worried you, Dad, by disappearing like I did, and I know you aren’t happy with this place, but it was time I took ownership of my issues, my recovery.”

  My dad is still crying when he says, “Ems, you know me, I’m a bit hardheaded at times.” He blows his nose, and I just huff. Hardheaded doesn’t quite describe my dad when he’s set on something or, in this case, dead set against it. “I heard that, Ems. Anyway, I’m just glad you are getting what you need. Just promise me you won’t try to hurt yourself again.”

  “I have too much to live for. I’m sorry I put you through that.”

  We talk for five more minutes, and then he tells me he’s heading over to my house to spend the night with Rose, Justine, Lorel, and the baby while Brody and Ty take some needed bro time together, as dad puts it.

  Hanging up the phone, I feel maybe my relationship with my father is heading in the right direction, and besides Ty, my dad is the very next important person in my life.

  26

  Tyler

  It’s six p.m. on a Friday night, and somehow, Brody has talked me into going out and shooting hoops with some of his patients at the university. Even if they are rehabbing, their recovery game will be ten times better than my best game, but when he called me and then Rose got involved, I understood I was beaten. Instead of dropping Aspen off, Rose is bringing Lorel and Justine to the house for a girls’ night. I have no idea if Nick is joining us. He has been despondent since Emma checked herself into the commune retreat center.

  Before I know it, all three ladies are on my front porch, and Aspen recognizes her mimi right away. Looking at the photo albums each night makes a big difference as her excitement gets the best of her before Justine can pick her up. “I’m coming, princess,” she says, charging at my little girl. Picking up Aspen, she takes her over to Lorel and says, “See, I have both my princess and my duchess with me tonight. That makes me a very happy mimi.”

  While I slide on my tennis shoes, I hear Brody beeping his horn at me with the banter of mother and child. “What the hell am I then?” Rose asks.

  As Justine now adjusts to both Aspen and Lorel in her lap, she quips, “You would be the chambermaid. Now, go get me a beer while I take in both my beauties.” I only shake my head, realizing Aspen is in good hands even with Justine and a beer. Hell, that will probably mean she’s in better hands that way. I sneak out, waving at Rose when she walks in with one of my domestic beers, and Justine roars, “Ah, S-H-I-T! Dammit, I knew I should have brought my own.” I’m glad to know Justine will at least spell out her bad words around her granddaughters.

  Opening the door to Brody’s SUV, I say, “Don’t you think you should get a minivan?” It’s a joke I love to throw at him because he’s gotten all domesticated within a span of six months.

  “Ah, shut the fuck up and get in the car,” he teases. “What was Justine going on about in there? Man, that woman’s voice carries.”

  “No dark beer.”

  “Ah, that will do it, I guess. Okay, old man, are you ready to be schooled by me and my basketball brothers?”

  Giving him a little smirk, I say, “Man, I hope your mouth is not writing a check your ass can’t cash!”

  He narrows his eyes at me. “You all have the weirdest sayings. Just the other day, Nick said something about Justine being full of piss and vinegar.”

  Chuckling, I can’t help but reply, “Yeah, that is a great way to explain your future mother-in-law.” He only nods when I ask, “How are you both sleeping? When Aspen was just a month old, there was no way you were getting me out at night.” Of course, I was basically a single parent, so that made a difference, too.

  “Well, Lorel is a great and easy baby. When we were told her diagnosis, I thought it meant everything would instantaneously be harder for us, starting as a newborn. Sure, we will face difficulties in her future, but for now, and forever, she will always be our baby girl, and I relish the fact she’s sleeping through the night. I hope she’s still doing that in two weeks when Rose is given the all clear to resume activities.”

  He winks at me, and I’m fully aware of what activities he’s referring to. “Believe me, bro, all men wait for that day.” Though, with me, it didn’t ever quite come.

  “Hell, I mean, she has to heal and all that shit, but fuck, I miss her in that way.”

  He doesn’t have to tell me; the morning Emma and I made love before she left is the only thing that’s getting me through this past month.

  “How is Emma?” Brody asks.

  “She’s good. I haven’t spoken to her yet, but I heard from her therapist today. Emma wants to talk tomorrow. She assured me this is a good sign, and that she’s committed to her recovery.”

  “That’s good news, right?”

  Taking a deep sigh, I respond, “I hope so, I mean, with Emma, there is really no way of truly knowing. Emma has always done things according to what Emma wants and feels is right. That is one reason I didn’t fight her about being committed like Nick wanted. I knew it wouldn’t do any good if we forced this on her. I just wish she would’ve called me before she checked out of the place in LA to tell me what she was doing. I was worried as hell for two days until I knew she was somewhere safe, but I also know I’m dealing with just a shell of the Emma I once knew.”

  My words, and the way I have talked and poured out to Brody, is too deep. This is supposed to be a fun-filled night away for the both of us. “Sorry, dude, I just described one of those bad Lifetime movies Ems would make me watch.”

  “No, bro, it’s okay. Anytime. I can’t imagine what you are going through, man.”

  “Thanks, but for now,” I say as we park in front of the gym on the campus of Gonzaga, “let’s go take out some frustration on the court. You not being able to have sex and me being a single parent for the time being.” I make sure to put emphasis on the time being. Emma is coming back to me, someway, somehow.

  Arriving back at the house past ten p.m., Rose is asleep with Aspen on her chest, and Lorel is snuggled up with Justine, snoring. The baby, not Justine. It always surprises me how little babies can be such loud sleepers. I’m not surprised to see Nick since his SUV is in my driveway, but he has been avoiding me like the plague. He’s watching a college basketball game, motioning for us to be quiet with all the sleeping beauties in the room. Watching Aspen with her aunt and knowing this woman loves my little girl does something to me, and I’m overwhelmed with emotion. Before I can take in much more, Nick motions for Brody and me to join him in the kitchen.

  I’m not surprised that Nick has gotten into my good stash of Canadian whisky while he retrieves a beer from the fridge for Brody and me. Sitting down at the table, Brody finally breaks the silence, talking low. “How long have they been asleep?”

  “Um, for about an hour. Aspen really took to her aunt Rose. Every time she tried to hold Lorel, Aspen would cry. That is why Mimi has Lorel right now.”

  Is it possible that Aspen is seeking female comfort? I mean, she has my mom and Hildy. And J
ustine watches her once a week, but I’m surprised she took to Rose so quickly. “How was the game?”

  I laugh, looking at Brody who still is feeling sucker punched by the way we got throttled. His “Basketball Brothers” decided to team together for a two-on-two game with Brody and me on a team. “Um, well, it was fun if you are calling being handed our asses fun,” I say as Brody takes a long swig from the bottle of Budweiser.

  “Ah, didn’t quite turn out the way you wanted, son?” Nick asks Brody, and he shakes his head. Turning to me, he sets down his whisky. “Tyler, I’m sorry for being an ass about Ems’s decision concerning her treatment. I just don’t understand why she has chosen something so untraditional with as many resources as we have given her.” Taking a sip of my whisky, he continues, “I heard from her today.”

  My mouth falls open in surprise. He’s been acting like a kid because he didn’t get his way, but Emma reaching out to him is a good sign. I try to hide my expression since his attitude has sucked, for lack of a better term.

  I can’t be mad at him for long and only laugh when I state the obvious. “Nick, this is your daughter we are talking about. Emma searches for the most obscure things in this world. Why should this be any different? We can’t force anything on her.”

  He nods in agreement. “I’m just worried, and I want her back here.”

  “Hell, I want nothing more either, Nick. Believe me, that is what I need.”

  27

  Emma

  When Saturday morning hits, I’m filled with excitement and dread. I haven’t spoken to my husband since I left, and the only communication we have had was the text message when I got to the airport in New Mexico and then through Anders and Grace.

  In the administration building office, the only other place than Grace’s office for long-distance phone calls, I sit in the uncomfortable chair in front of Anders’s desk. I think he needs a chair like Grace has for her office. How is it that I can think so trivial when I’m going to talk to Ty for the first time in almost a month?

  Picking up the phone, I notice it’s a fucking rotary phone. I didn’t think they made those anymore, and it takes me what feels like five minutes to dial his cell phone number. On the first ring, he answers, and he sounds both nervous and excited with his shaking words. “Ems?” he says as if he had the phone in his hands and was ready at any minute.

  “Ty.” It is all I can think of to say.

  “Oh, Ems, I have missed you. Honey, please tell me you’re doing okay there.”

  The timbre of his tone has not changed when it comes to me. In this simple little part of my husband, I know nothing has altered my desire to be with him. Even after all I have done.

  “Honey, I’m doing well.” Pausing, I want to apologize. “I know you may be mad at me for taking off as I did, but this was the best decision. I hope you can believe me.”

  A silence hangs on his end for a split second, just long enough for me to wonder if this was a good idea.

  “Ems, hon, I was worried. I mean, I didn’t know where you were, just that you left. Maybe I would have tried to talk you into staying there, I’m not sure. All that matters is that you are some place you can get the help you need. But, Ems, can you promise me something moving forward?”

  “I can try, Ty.”

  “If you leave again, please tell me. I want to be open to your ideas for your own recovery, sweetie. Remember, you’re still my wife, and I want to be a part of your major decisions, just so you know I’ll always be there. Can you do that for me?”

  He’s so sincere, so willing to follow my choices. How can I not agree to this one simple request? “Yes, Ty, I promise, and I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay, sweetheart. But now, I want to know about you. Man, I miss you so much. The one thing that has kept me going was how you let me make love to you the day you left. That has given me hope but also determination that you want the help you so desperately need.”

  Talking about sex with my husband is so natural, and I find it odd that for six months after the birth, we were stagnant in this area. I chuckle, and I hear him doing the same thing on the other end. “Yes, babe, I have thought of that, too. I miss your touch, Ty.”

  Clearing his throat, like he does when he has some large announcement, he starts, “I’ve been thinking, Ems. I spoke with Grace about this, and I want to come down and see you. I need to see you, just for my own peace of mind to make sure you’re safe.”

  Part of me becomes giddy with excitement. “I want to see you, too.”

  “Well, I was actually hoping to bring Aspen.”

  When he says those words, I choke on the air I’m breathing. Hearing my reaction over the phone, I hear the disappointment in his words. “I don’t have to, Ems, and it’s just an idea.”

  “I’m sorry, Ty. I’m really trying.”

  “I know you are, honey. But for me, I’ll come. I’ll check with Mom and Dad and see if they can keep Aspen. You want me to come, right?”

  “Lord, yes, Ty!” I have never wanted something more than to be held by my husband right now.

  That same nail hole demands my attention each day I’m with Grace. I see her four days a week now, and I begrudgingly go to group therapy two times a week. I hate group therapy. It is bad enough I’m wallowing in my own problems, but now, I’m submerged in other people’s issues. Five others suffer from the more severe postpartum psychosis with a wide array of PTSD accompanying it. Leah and I share a bond because we both tried to end the suffering only to discover we were glad as fuck we didn’t succeed. Then Molly dresses like she’s spending the day on Rodeo Drive, and she, like me, can’t be in the same room as her son, Merrick. Jenna and Erin are sisters, having had their babies within a month of one another. They are quiet, since they have one another, so I’m not sure of their story. Ellen has suffered from this with each pregnancy; this being her third. I can’t imagine going through this again. Not that I can have more children. Losing all my woman bits made this impossible. But if I did still have them, I would not be having sex if I’d gone through this three times.

  Then I think of Tyler. I love sex too much, especially after the last time we made love. Thinking of sex puts a smile on my face because I see Tyler in a week, and now that I have a taste for him again, I plan to fuck him until I can’t walk.

  “What has you smiling over there, Emma?” Grace asks.

  “The idea of sex with my husband this weekend when he visits.” She is now smiling, too. I wonder if Grace has her own special someone. She never talks about her life outside of here.

  She begins, “Well, Emma, that is a great segue into what I want to discuss today. We’ve spent the past few weeks getting to know one another.” I laugh because I don’t really know anything about Grace except she dropped out of med school. But she continues as though she’s on a mission. “I want to delve deeper into the trauma that started this downward spiral of yours.” I freeze, and she senses this. “I know this is scary, but it’s how you move forward, sweetie. See, triggers will cause you to dwell on this obsession you’ve created in your mind that your baby is to blame for your situation.”

  I sit up a little when she states this. “But here is the thing, Grace, I know that’s not right. My mind knows this, but my heart, which is what is not letting me fall in love with my baby, is telling me something different.” I’ve shared this with her before but I keep saying it out loud in hopes my heart will get the message.

  “That is why we need to pinpoint the triggers, and once we do, I’ll help you visualize your way through those things that cause you to have a panic attack. We need to get through to the other side where your heart will allow you to love your baby one day.”

  Sighing, I slowly breathe in calming breaths as she has taught me. “Okay, I’ll try.” I’ll try not to have an anxiety attack is what I want to say.

  “Now, tell me one thing you associate with that day, something that makes your heart quicken, something other than Aspen. We are going to work on placing
your fear somewhere other than your baby since your mind already knows that is not true.”

  I’m thinking long and hard to find something other than the baby. I start, “The doctor was not my normal doctor. I should have listened to Justine to use Gladys, her doctor, the one who delivered her babies along with Hildy’s babies. She was there for Rose when she had Lorel.” Grace knows all these women who are near and dear to me. “But I didn’t. I chose someone else, someone I could relate to, and I liked her. But she was out of town, and I got the one doctor in the practice I didn’t like. He was too blunt, and his words could have been softer since, for fuck’s sake, I was awake. Ty was in the room. Those words, we are losing the mom, are etched in my head. His words, the way he spoke, was as if this was just another day at the office. For him it was, but for me, this was my fucking life.”

  Grace nods. “Okay. See, this is good, Emma, especially since this is what you woke up to, remembering his callous words.” I nod. “We are getting there. I can understand the fear and anger that plague you. But what I want you to do, moving forward, is every time you have a fear that overtakes you, and you want to blame the poor victim in all this, think of your doctor and place the anger there for now and not on Aspen.”

  I nod. I can do that because I do feel the anger now that I’ve expressed it.

  Jolie is sitting on her bed when I open the door. She looks up, and I can tell she’s been crying, having come straight from group therapy. It deals with traumatic events—normally violence—and it’s one group I don’t attend. Having been through the wringer myself, I sit next to her. Our bond has strengthened, and we seem to have a connection. She has been through hell in the worst way imaginable.

  “I feel the same way, kiddo,” I say, giving her a side hug. “Want to discuss it?”