Clean Slate

by Heidi Champa

  “What?” she cried.

  I took another deep breath and went on.

  “My friend Shannon is expanding her organizing business and is looking for help. I decided to go for it. Seems like perfect timing.”

  Kelsey’s eyes welled up, and she wiped her nose. “So you’re moving to California?” she asked, her voice choked.

  “Yup. In a few weeks. Once I get everything done here,” I said with more conviction than I felt inside.

  Daniel was staring at me but still hadn’t said a word. He drank some of his soda and coughed.

  “Sounds good. I was beginning to think I’d have to change the locks,” he said, looking at Tina.

  Tina scowled at him, but I decided not to take the bait.

  “If all goes well, I’ll be gone by the end of the month. If that’s too long, I can work something else out, get a hotel room or something,” I said, hoping it wouldn’t come to that.

  Kelsey looked at me, tears making her mascara run down her cheeks.

  “It’s okay, Kels. We can skype. Or facetime, or whatever. I’m sure I can figure out how to use at least one of them before I go. We can still talk.”

  She stood up from the table, the chair falling over behind her. She was sobbing as she ran away, her face in her hands. Daniel threw down his fork and followed her.

  “Great. Now look what you did,” he said as he headed up the stairs.

  I sat alone with Tina and tried my best to put on a smile. She didn’t return it. I kept eating, hoping to avoid a lecture. No such luck.

  “What are you doing, Wes?”

  “What do you mean?”

  She glared at me, and I stopped shoveling the fork to my mouth long enough to look at her.

  “You know damn well what I mean,” she said in her best mother voice.

  I hadn’t expected any of them to be mad at me. In fact, I thought they’d be happy. At least, deep down.

  “I’m leaving. It’s what you guys wanted. I’m sorry it’s going to take so long for me to be gone, but it’s the best I can do under the circumstances.”

  She raised her eyebrows and shook her head.

  “You don’t have to go across the country.”

  I shrugged, downplaying the distance of the move.

  “Don’t really see what difference the where makes. Seemed as good a place as any. Shannon’s excited. I’m excited.”

  Tina leaned closer and put her hand over mine.

  “You know he’s going to come around, right?”

  I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

  “Daniel hates me. Not that I blame him.”

  “I wasn’t talking about Daniel. I was talking about Sam.”

  She gave a small smile, and I wondered how she’d managed to figure it out. I put that aside and told her the truth.

  “Sam hates me too. He made it very clear how he feels about me. How he’s always felt.”

  I pulled my hand away and went back to eating, trying to push my feelings down with more food.

  “He was angry. Maybe he didn’t mean it.”

  I chewed for a long time, mostly to keep the tears out of my voice.

  “He meant it. Just like Nick did. Like Daniel did. I need a fresh start. I need to grow up. And this is my chance.”

  Daniel returned to the table and silence descended again. Once I was finished, I retreated to the basement and started packing.

  AFTER AN afternoon spent running errands and tying up loose ends, I pulled up to Daniel’s house and took a good look. Part of me would miss it, miss them. Daniel’s attitude hadn’t improved much since my announcement, but at least he was back to speaking to me. Sure, it was only in one-word sentences, but it was a start. Space and time seemed to be the only solution to our issues, both of which we’d get plenty of with me in California. With a little distance, I hoped things would go back to normal. Who knew? Maybe they’d even come for a visit once everything cooled off.

  I walked into the house and froze when I saw the full living room. Tina, Daniel, and Kelsey were all on the couch. Across the room from them were Maya and Sam. I hadn’t seen his car outside the house, but then again, I hadn’t been looking. My heart flipped over when I saw his face, but my stomach twisted at the prospect of what this little meeting was about. It was the first time I regretted not telling the truth about the joint. Would have saved me the trouble of this moment. Before anyone could say anything, I retreated a few steps and put my hand on the doorknob, hoping if I disappeared, so would the problem.

  Daniel called after me, “Wes, please don’t leave!”

  Everything in me told me to run, but I stayed despite my gut telling me I shouldn’t. Returning to the living room, I set my jaw and tried not to panic.

  “Okay….” My voice was wary, and I tried to prepare for the barrage. Clearly, they had more they wanted to say on the matter. Not that I really wanted to hear it.

  “There’s something we need to talk to you about,” Daniel said.

  I shook my head and took a deep breath. This was my last chance to put a stop to the lecture or the additional admonishment that was coming. Maybe I could end it before it started.

  “No, there isn’t. I’m sorry about everything that happened, you all know I am. I can say it a few thousand more times if you want, but I’ll be gone soon and you won’t have to worry about it anymore. So please, I’m begging you, can we not do this? I really can’t do or say anything to fix things or change your minds, so I’d rather not try. It’s a waste of time. For all of us.”

  Daniel looked heartbroken, and I thought I might cry. He rubbed his hand through his hair and sighed.

  “Dude, just sit down, okay?”

  There appeared to be no getting out of it, so I bit the bullet and moved to the corner of the living room, propping myself against the wall. Sam wouldn’t look at me. Daniel cleared his throat before he spoke.

  “Kelsey, Maya, is there something you want to say to Wes?”

  I looked back and forth between the girls. Kelsey stared at me and broke down.

  “I’m so sorry, U Dub. I… I’m so sorry,” Kelsey blubbered. I could barely make out her words through the tears and sobs.

  Maya chimed in, much more composed, despite her red eyes. “Me too. So sorry.”

  “What’s going on?” I asked, even though I pretty much knew what was coming. I hadn’t considered what would happen if the girls decided to confess. Lord knows, if I were them I wouldn’t have. Using me as a scapegoat was a good plan. I had no idea why they wanted to come clean now. Kelsey got it together enough to start talking, her words coming out between deep breaths.

  “We lied. The pot wasn’t yours. We got it from our friend at school.”

  Maya spoke up, her voice barely above a whisper. “We didn’t mean to get you into trouble, but we panicked. It was stupid and we’re sorry.”

  Kelsey jumped up and put her arms around me. I didn’t even have time to speak.

  “Don’t move away because of me! I’m sorry I said what I did. But now you don’t have to go to California because it wasn’t your fault. Please, don’t hate me. Please!”

  She was practically hysterical, gulping for air between sobs. I looked over at Daniel, and I could see the pain in his eyes. Sam still hadn’t looked at me, but I was kind of glad. I pulled away from Kelsey and tried to calm her down. After a few minutes, she stopped crying so hard, her eyes puffy and red.

  “Kelsey, I don’t hate you. Or Maya. I’m not happy about what you did, but I can kind of understand it. I mean, I did a lot of stupid stuff when I was your age. Hell, I do stupid stuff now. I forgive you guys.”

  She smiled, but the tears were still falling.

  “So does that mean you’ll stay?” she asked.

  Sam looked up at that moment, but I focused on Kelsey.

  “Sweetie, I’m not going to California just because you said the pot was mine.”

  “You’re not?” she asked.

  “No. I mean, it may have started out th
at way, but it’s become very clear to me I really need things to change. And it’s become pretty obvious I can’t do that here. It’s better for everyone if I go.”

  “Well, not for me!” she shouted, stamping her foot.

  Kelsey ran up the stairs before I could stop her, and Sam stood up with Maya.

  “Um, we should go. Sorry again for all this trouble, you guys. And I’m sorry, Wes.”

  I knew his apology was for what Maya had done and not what he’d said to me. I didn’t say a word as they left, because there was nothing to say. When the house was quiet again, I turned and faced Daniel.

  Daniel ran a hand over the back of his neck and sighed. Tina excused herself to go check on Kelsey, leaving me and Daniel alone.

  “I’m so sorry, man. We had no idea they lied until Kelsey finally fessed up today.”

  I looked at Daniel, unsure of what to say next. Before I could say anything, though, he stood up, his eyes narrowing.

  “You don’t seem all that surprised by this revelation, Wes. Why not?”

  I thought of deflecting, but there didn’t seem to be any point in pretending anymore.

  “Because I already knew they didn’t smoke the joint in my bag. I’ve known the whole time.”

  Daniel shook his head, a wry chuckle leaving his mouth.

  “Why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you say anything?” he asked.

  I sighed, my eyes refusing to meet his stare.

  “Because I knew it wouldn’t do any good. It wouldn’t change what happened that night. You said what you meant. So did Sam. The whole thing not being my fault doesn’t change what you both think. And making you both feel bad about being honest wouldn’t have helped anything either.”

  I expected him to have a quick answer, but Daniel remained quiet for a long time before speaking.

  “Wes, I was angry. I didn’t mean it,” he said sheepishly.

  I nodded, a bit of anger bubbling up to the surface, but I bit it back.

  “Yeah, you did. And that’s okay. I don’t blame you. If I were you, I’d probably have said the same thing.”

  Daniel smiled, but it looked pained. “No you wouldn’t have.” He plunked down on the couch, his head in his hands for a moment before he looked at me again. “Wes, if I could take it all back, I would.”

  “I know.”

  He tried to smile again, but it didn’t quite come off.

  “Kelsey’s right. You don’t have to go. Everything is different now.”

  I shook my head, his words about staying not getting through.

  “It’s too late for that, don’t you think? Like you said, time for me to start being responsible.”

  “Taking responsibility is one thing. But taking the blame for something you didn’t do isn’t a good way to do it.”

  I grinned, but I felt anything but happy.

  “What’s done is done. It’s best for everyone if we just start over. With me somewhere else. A little distance has always worked for us.”

  “California is hardly a little distance, Wes.”

  “True enough, but the end result is the same.”

  I left him in the living room and closed the basement door behind me. I didn’t bother to go upstairs for dinner. I couldn’t face a weepy Kelsey and an apologetic Daniel. I didn’t want to be talked out of leaving. It was the right thing to do and everyone would see that. In time. The television was doing a crappy job of taking my mind off things when my phone rang. When I saw Nick’s name, I laughed out loud. Figuring my day couldn’t get worse, I answered.

  “Well, hello, Nick.”

  “I’m surprised you answered.”

  “What do you want? Still waiting for that sweater?”

  He snickered, but it sounded fake.

  “I was calling to congratulate you on your new job.”

  I shook my head, regretting my choice to pick up the phone.

  “Why am I not surprised you know about that?”

  “Shannon tried to poach one of my people, but it didn’t work. Should have known you’d slink out of town with your tail between your legs. What’s the matter, Wes, suburbia finally gotten to you?” he asked, his words dripping with acid.

  “Why did you really call?”

  There was noise on his end of the phone, and I waited for an answer.

  “I just wanted to hear it from you. That you’re really leaving town.”

  “I am indeed. That should make you happy.”

  “It does.”

  I tried to muster up more anger at Nick, but I couldn’t. I was too tired.

  “Good. Well, I have to go,” I said, hoping to get off the phone without another word from him. No such luck.

  “I’d say keep in touch, but no one around here wants to hear from you ever again.”

  I smiled and shook my head. For some reason, I decided to say one more thing. Part of that new leaf I was trying to turn over.

  “I hope one day you can forgive me, Nick. I know I was a jerk to you, but you have to know, it wasn’t about you. It was my stuff. I should never have done what I did. You were right. I should have talked to you. Been honest. I’d like to think I’ll learn from my mistakes. That doesn’t really do much for you, I know. But trust me. You’re better off without me. Of that I’m sure.”

  He stuttered a bit, clearly flustered by my words. But he managed to recover and insult me some more.

  “Oh, I know that, honey. You’ve got more issues than a magazine rack.”

  “Right. Well, I hope you have a nice life, man. Good luck with everything.”

  “I’d say the same, but….”

  I hung up before he could say more and threw my phone aside. There was nothing left to do now but leave.

  I WOKE up and rolled over. The clock by my bed read 2:12 in the morning. The day ran through my mind again, like it had a thousand times before I’d managed to fall asleep for a few hours. The truth about the joint was out there, and like I suspected, it really didn’t change much. Sure, Daniel felt guilty. No surprise there. But much like I thought, my being innocent couldn’t undo the past few days.

  I got out of bed, my mouth dry. Catching a glimpse of my backpack, I stopped in my tracks. I reached down, unzipped the front pouch, and felt inside until my fingers crunched the plastic of the baggie. I moved it from hand to hand for a few minutes before I gave up.

  “Fuck it,” I muttered out loud in the dim basement.

  It was stupid, it was juvenile. It was perfect. Walking outside into the warm, night air, I sat on the edge of the front porch. I put the joint to my lips and let the baggie fall to the ground. The flint on the lighter sparked but didn’t fire, so I tried again. As the flame glowed in front of my face, I touched it to the tip and took a deep breath. The acrid smoke hit my lungs, and I held my breath, letting it out after I couldn’t stand the oxygen deprivation another second. The smoke rose in the still air, the smell taking me back to my college days. I was just about to take another drag when I heard the door open behind me.

  “U Dub? What are you doing out here?”

  Dropping the joint to the ground in front of me, I covered it with my shoe.

  “Kels, what are you doing up?” I asked, trying to act nonchalant.

  “Couldn’t sleep.”

  She plunked down beside me, her hair pulled up into a messy ponytail; little pieces were pointing in every direction. Her robe was leopard print, and I couldn’t help but smile at her.

  “Me neither.”

  She looked at me with narrow eyes, her elbows resting on her knees. “It smells like weed out here.”

  “You would know,” I said, returning her snark with my own.

  I lifted my foot, revealing the joint. The ember was out, the whole thing flattened.

  “Is that the one from your bag?” she asked, her voice soft.

  I nodded, picking it up and putting it back in the baggie it came from. Stuffing the whole thing in the pocket of my sweatpants, I looked out into the night.

  �
��I don’t even know why I’m out here. I don’t even really like smoking pot. Just one more stupid thing to add to the list,” I said.

  Kelsey looked at me, her sleepy eyes making her look so young.

  “I didn’t like it either, when Maya and I smoked. I lied and said I did, but I didn’t.”

  “So does that mean you’re not going to do it again?” I asked.

  She shook her head slowly, before putting her chin on her knee.

  “Not anytime soon. Trust me. Lesson learned on this one.”

  I gave her a half smile before turning my eyes to the sky.

  “Cool. Now, if only I could be as smart as you and learn my lessons,” I said, trying not to sound too depressed.

  “I really am sorry, you know.”

  Putting my arm around her, I pulled her closer.

  “I know, kid.”

  “If you knew the truth, why didn’t you rat me out?” she asked.

  I shrugged, not knowing exactly how to explain.

  “I had my own twisted logic on that one. But I was wrong about that too.”

  Kelsey shuffled her feet against the ground.

  “I only said it was yours because I thought Dad would give you a pass, like he always does. I never thought in a million years he’d kick you out. I swear, if I’d known….” She trailed off, her eyes getting moist.

  I couldn’t blame her for thinking it. After all, it was the story of my life.

  “It’s okay, Kels. Really. Your dad’s just making up for lost time. I have to start facing up to things at some point. It might as well be now.”

  She leaned her head on my shoulder, and I could hear her sniffling.

  “You picked a lousy time to act like a grown-up, U Dub.”

  “Don’t worry, I’m not that grown up. After all, you just caught me smoking pot,” I said with a chuckle.

  Kelsey smiled, her eyes barely open.

  “I won’t tell Dad. That’ll make us even.”

  I smiled back, and in that moment realized how much I was going to miss being around her.

  “Thanks. What do you say we go inside? It’s late.”

  “Yeah, I guess,” she said as we stood up.

  I followed her inside, both of us stopping at the bottom of the stairs.