How to Be a Villain

by Neil Zawacki

  how to thwart them Silent loners by definition have no friends and thus no one to vouch for them, making them ideal candidates for a classic frame-up. Lure them to the scene of the crime, plant a bit of evidence, notify the authorities, and watch the fun. No one really knows Racer X, so how can anyone be certain it wasn’t him who burned down city hall?

  the sidekick Beware of sidekicks in all forms, for they are not the harmless idiots you think them to be. These individuals are a real threat and should be taken out at all costs. Why? Because they provide assistance to the hero just when he or she needs it most. The help might come in the form of a distraction, vital clue, or morale-boosting one-liner. Occasionally they can even pull off a genuine rescue, saving the hero from an otherwise terrible death. Be constantly vigilant about their interfering presence, no matter how diminutive.

  how to thwart them Their coordinated outfits make sidekicks fairly easy to spot. Youthful, energetic, and highly annoying, they delight in such phrases as “Jumping Jillipers!” or “Golly Gadzooks!” To eliminate them, first isolate them from the überhero. Being inexperienced, they will often fall for a simple ruse, such as leaving behind an obvious clue that leads them straight to your lair, where their demise awaits.

  Silent loners are nearly unstoppable and will oppose you at every turn.

  woman warrior The woman warrior who hunts you may be an Amazon through birth, the daughter of a god, or some sort of mythic figure, but whatever her background, she will be well-versed in the battle arts. She will probably wield a sword or bow, though some practitioners prefer enchanted lassos. The woman warrior also tends to dress in armor that protects an amazingly small amount of her body from attack, but don’t let the scanty outfit fool you. The abbreviated attire may be her only weakness. This woman means evil-butt-kicking business. Hard to catch due to her proclivity for jumping and flipping about, the woman warrior is truly a force to be reckoned with.

  Don’t let the scanty outfit fool you. This woman means evil-butt-kicking business.

  how to thwart them Women warriors can be extremely dangerous, so it’s best to send in the goons for this one and watch from afar. If your goons fail, attempt—cautiously—to seduce the warrior with your bedeviling charms. This probably won’t work, but the tiny hope that it might makes the effort worth the risk.

  Consider how much the swashbuckler has accomplished while wearing a poofy shirt and breeches.

  swashbuckler You may think you are safe from the swashbuckler by now, but rare sightings still occur. There are still a number of heroes out there who like swinging from chandeliers while clenching a dagger between their teeth. Also known for their fabulous swordplay, the swashbuckler is as skilled in the arts of romance as he is in heroism. Master of the dance as well as the bedside, his very appearance can cause women to faint and hearts to swoon. If you think the swashbuckler is an unworthy adversary, consider how much he has accomplished while wearing a poofy shirt and breeches. What if you had to wear a poofy shirt and breeches? The world just might be safe from serious evil.

  how to thwart them The swashbuckler is a true swordsman and will fight like a hundred men. Send in a hundred and one.

  wise mentor If you’re a serious threat to the world, chances are you have spent plenty of time honing some kind of exceptional ability, whether mental, physical, or spiritual. If you did, you probably had a mentor, maybe even a benevolent mentor. Although generally not your main rival, this man or woman can be a tiresome speed bump on the road to evil. The pesky man will send your nemesis on his or her fateful journey after full instruction in the arcane knowledge and martial arts moves necessary to stop you. When it’s time to terminate any mentor’s shenanigans, look for this thorn-in-your-side on a mountaintop or desert planet, wearing brown robes and uttering cryptic haiku.

  how to thwart them Certainly you know all their tricks, but mentors have experience on their side. Still, these troublesome rivals are actually pretty easy to stop. All you need do is challenge them to a duel and then strike them down with your superior skill. Using their last breath, they may point out that destroying them only makes them stronger, but it’s never been proven and is probably a bluff.

  unlikely hero One of the more obnoxious hero types to emerge over the last several years is the wow-you’d-never-expect-them-to-be-a-hero hero. They manifest themselves as anything from a priest turned detective to a gawky teenager sucked into the D&D universe to a hooker with a heart of gold. Worse, they often travel in packs, especially if age fourteen and a group of social misfits at Camp Wannacannitcha. Please understand it is vitally important that you do not dismiss their side-splitting antics as harmless. Why? Because more often than not some chubby kid with glasses will save the day, and you would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

  how to thwart them Break with the clichés. Try not to be a stereotypical villain. Don’t gloat, don’t reveal your evil schemes, and don’t wear a rubber mask they can yank off to prove it was old man Munson all along! (Zoinks!)

  More often than not some chubby kid with glasses will save the day.

  Lovable animal companions have the disturbing habit of assisting their masters.

  lovable animal companion Your nemeses need not take a humanoid form at all. Dangerous good intentions proliferate in the animal companions that heroes of every ilk are bound to attract. Be it a loyal dog, falcon on the shoulder, or some sort of cutesy ferret, these little bastards are heinous and spell nothing but trouble. Like sidekicks, lovable animal companions have the disturbing habit of assisting their masters. Imagine you have locked up the hero in your dungeon with no possibility of escape, when all of a sudden some damn monkey appears and squeezes through the prison bars with the keys. Or, again imagining the hero in prison, the next thing you know, a seemingly innocuous ferret comes sniffing around at night, discovers the hero, wiggles through your clutches, and runs for help. No cause for alarm, you say to yourself, this unobtrusive creature cannot even talk! But you forget that this loyal companion is masterful at emoting and gesturing. Soon the ground shakes with the approach of avenging hooves. The lesson? Stop that ferret.

  how to thwart them Handle any lovable animal companion with the same ruthless guile you would use on any other foe. Just because they are little and adorable does not mean they can weasel out of a duel to the death.

  Death Traps

  Death traps are perfect for many situations, especially when death is the objective. You will probably want to come up with your own signature equipment, but until you do, here are a few of the classic models for inspiration.

  hall of mirrors Look for this creepy favorite in any fun house or amusement park. An excellent place for final confrontations with heroes, the hall of mirrors wins high marks for ease of use. All you have to do is lure your victims inside by dashing in yourself, and then cackle with glee as they find you reflected back not once but a thousand times. If they try to attack, they will find you are only an illusion, and no matter how hard they look, they will be unable to locate the real you. When you’ve had enough fun, seal the exits and fill the cramped space with some kind of liquid. Plain water works as well as anything, but why not add food dye for color. Or, for a touch of whimsy, use a sickeningly sweet fruit punch.

  The hall of mirrors wins high marks for ease of use.

  maze of death Tracing its history back to the Greek legend of King Minos and his dreaded maze-dwelling Minotaur, a gigantic labyrinth of death promises a dramatic end for your most hated heroes. These wonderful mazes are filled with so many twists and turns that escape is near impossible. Behind each corridor terrible death can await through whirling blades or stone statues come to life. You can even place an authentic Minotaur in the middle, poised to devour anyone who crosses its path. (Note: To create a Minotaur, combine a demigod with a bull and wait fifteen to twenty years for the creature to mature to full strength.) To persuade the hero to enter your maze of death, capture the beloved sidekick or animal companion
and deposit said loved one in the center of the labyrinth. You’ll want to check back later to be sure both the loved one and the hero have safely blundered into a terrible demise.

  pit of doom These structures are so ideal for eliminating heroes, they are practically a requirement for any evil lair, no matter how informal. By concealing your pit beneath a trapdoor or bundle of sticks, you can send do-gooders plummeting with nothing more than a false step. For obvious reasons, the top of the line is the bottomless pit (no cleanup), but any pit of doom will work as long as it is deep, inescapable, and placed near an area where you plan to battle heroes. Spend some time practicing your footwork around the pit, so you will be ready when it’s time for the final death match. Plenty of henchmen have been known to tumble into these pits by accident, representing a sizable insurance liability. To help limit your risk, it’s a good idea to create a Pit of Doom safety video and require your henchmen to view it every six months. As an additional precaution, insist each of them signs a waiver and accepts the risks inherent in being an evil henchman.

  “Pathetic Earthlings! Hurling your bodies out into the void without the slightest inkling of who or what is out here. If you knew anything about the true nature of the universe, anything at all, you would have hidden from it in terror.”

  —Ming the Merciless, Flash Gordon

  Locations for Your Lair

  Every evil mastermind needs a base of operations in order to stay organized. Choose your lair carefully, because you’ll be spending a lot of time there laughing maniacally, plotting nefarious deeds, and possibly waiting out decades of plague and destruction. If you have any enemies, they will probably show up on your doorstep eventually, so you’ll want it to be an impressive edifice to your grandeur. Here are a few worthy lair options to consider.

  medieval castle Since the Middle Ages, medieval castles have been among the most popular lairs for evil-doers. They have atmosphere, they’re desolate, and they inspire terror in peasants and townsfolk everywhere. Stock your castle with all the basic amenities, including a portcullis, a moat, boiling oil, and a roofline of gargoyles come to life. Many castles also come with an armory for outfitting your minions and a torture chamber for housing unwanted visitors. If you are an evil-doer who likes lounging upon a throne from which you condemn innocent souls to a terrible fate, taking up residence in a dark and gloomy castle is a smart pick.

  corporate tower The corporate skyscraper is another excellent base of operations, and one that is being seen with increased frequency these days. It affords you a central location as well as an air of legitimacy, all the while sheltering your profligate scheming. You may also enjoy the sensation of hundreds and perhaps thousands of workers honeycombed in the many floors beneath you, where they pass endless days in thrall to your superiority. Be sure to select a very tall and imposing corporate tower. If a taller tower is constructed nearby, demolish it. If it cannot be safely destroyed without harming your own skyscraper, top your tower with a massive spire crowned with a sharp spike reaching high enough to surpass the apex of your neighbor.

  Medieval Castles: They have atmosphere, they’re desolate, and they inspire terror in peasants and townsfolk everywhere.

  To the untrained eye it looks like nothing more than an isolated shack in the middle of nowhere.

  underground secret headquarters of doom Perhaps what you’re looking for is a gigantic underground complex housed miles beneath the earth’s crust. To the untrained eye the secret entrance looks like nothing more than an isolated shack in the middle of nowhere. But should you take the secret elevator hidden within, all is horribly revealed. Filled with doomsday devices and liberally enhanced with enormous metal doors that slam shut with a nerve-jangling severity, an underground headquarters is a diabolical lair of which you can be proud. The sprawling expanse should provide ample room for the creation of your robot army, and the cryogenic tubes, should you opt to install them, are useful for freezing yourself so that you might awaken at a more auspicious time. Popular for their low energy bills, privacy, and “only a madman could live here” ambience, a subterranean lair is an excellent choice indeed.

  hell Hell has long been the favored choice for supernatural creatures and sorcerous evil-doers and should serve nicely as your new home. You will be pleased to find numerous amenities, including demons available to assist you with your evil deeds and countless souls to torment and devour should the days get dull. The Gates of Hell are an excellent defense against angelic attack, and sporting opportunities on the River Styx are within walking distance. The key drawback of Hell is the flesh-scorching climate, although it has the virtue of keeping property values extremely affordable.

  You will be pleased to find numerous amenities in Hell, including demons available to assist you with your evil deeds.

  fake mountain The fake mountain with a hollow interior is another appealing site. While on the outside it looks like any other mountain, with the flip of a switch you can transform it into a deadly fortress of doom! Where once stood rock can now stand rocket turrets, as the front opens up to reveal missile launchers and artillery cannons. The central base can easily house your armies of destruction, and the whole thing folds up quite nicely when you are done playing with it. The only caveat with the fake mountain is that you should not place it in the middle of a city. For some reason, they are too often noticed there.

  airship For the evil-doer on the go, the airship can serve as an especially mobile base of operations. Some may worry that an airship will be cramped and uncomfortable, but that doesn’t need to be the case. Plenty of airships are so large, entire generations of henchmen are born and raised not knowing they are even on a transport. Depending on your needs, you may want to build a state-of-the-art intergalactic vessel. If budget constraints are a factor, consider refurbishing a used zeppelin, private jet, or hot-air balloon. If you happen to have a science-defying lightning gun, you’ll enjoy using it to rain down terror from above as you glide through the stratosphere unharmed.

  space station Some of the very best evil-lair real estate isn’t even located on Earth. That’s right, a space station may be right for you, superb for plotting out your evil deeds far out of reach of any underfunded do-gooder. Nowadays space fortresses are standard issue with former Star Wars and SDI technology and can be easily retrofitted with disrupter rays and cloaking fields. They make an excellent base of operations for bringing about the destruction of the earth, particularly if self-preservation is a priority. You may suffer from occasional alien attacks and the periodic asteroid, but the space station is a first-rate lair and should not be overlooked.

  amusement park Although considered gimmicky for years, the amusement park lair has seen a resurgence in popularity in recent times. The reason is simple: There’s just no denying the evil current coursing just below the surface of all those squeals of joy. The décor can easily be transformed into a carnival of horrors, with the roller coasters becoming death machines, the fun houses laced with booby traps, and a hall of mirrors at the end for confronting the heroes. You can also establish themed areas throughout your park, such as Apocalypse Land, Evil Clown Land, or even Nightmares Made Flesh Land. The tunnel of love also offers endless possibilities for becoming the tunnel of screams. If you have children, this lair will mean hours of endless fun for the whole family.

  The amusement park lair has seen a resurgence in popularity.

  haunted woods Many evil-doers want nothing more than to live in an ancient forest filled with wolves and demons. The foreboding trees and unearthly fog are excellent for creating a spooky atmosphere, and the ghosts who haunt such places hold the promise of providing plenty of decorative screams and moans. Branches of trees will seem to tear at the hair and clothes of all who trespass, rendering them gelatinous with fright. You may even find that the other inhabitants of your deep, dark woods—wicked witch in the candy house, insane hermit in rundown cabin, evil sorceress in glass-castle hallucination—may stimulate your creativity.

  d
ungeon Perfect for warlords and wizards, a roomy dungeon is a superb spot from which to plot the destruction of nearby kingdoms. Fill your catacombs with the undead, monsters, and supernatural beasts, with an orc sitting on a chest of gold behind every turn. You can also hide death traps throughout the corridors, each one more deadly and extravagant than the last. The only problem with dungeon lairs is a scarce supply of adventurers intruding to explore them. When they do show up, be prepared for their tiresome antics, as well as the constant sound of dice rolling in the background.

  abandoned church Another excellent lair possibility is an abandoned church, preferably in a section of the city no one ever goes to anymore. Besides the irony of such a locale, these former holy grounds are aesthetically ideal for creating a sinister atmosphere. Dark, atmospheric and filled with otherworldly forces, they’re tailor-made for evil geniuses. Adorn the entrance with an upside-down crucifix for emphasis. Inside, construct blasphemous altars and secret chambers filled with insane cultists chanting rites to unspeakable gods. If heresy and sacrilege make you smile, and you’re planning to fill your calendar with satanic rituals, an abandoned church might just be the lair for you.