“This is an interesting habit you’ve developed, coming into my room.”
Will didn’t let the words intimidate him. He knew enough of Malcolm by now to know they held no threat.
“I wanted to talk.”
“About?”
Malcolm’s cool, calm composure aggravated him. The man seemed incapable of human emotion. But he’d seen a glimpse of it last night. That glimpse encouraged him forward. “I wanted to clarify some things from last night.”
“You were perfectly clear.”
“No, I wasn’t, Malcolm, and I’m not leaving until you understand.”
Malcolm nodded but didn’t move to sit. Will realized why and stood.
“It had nothing to do with you.”
“I think it had at least a little to do with me.”
“I’m serious, Malcolm. I stopped because of my own issues. I lost control, and when I got it back, the damage I had done scared me.”
“You didn’t do any damage.”
“Your backside would say differently. You didn’t deserve what I unleashed on you. It wasn’t even you I was doing it to, not in my mind. I know I made a mistake. Now that I know what to expect, it won’t happen again.”
“No, it won’t.”
“Please, don’t go to Kaleana.” Will didn’t quite understand the desperation he felt. It went beyond the need to demonstrate his gratitude. Part of him wanted the closeness he’d seen Kaleana and Malcolm share the other night in the ballroom.
“What?”
“When you want it again, don’t go to her. I can do it. I’ll get better.”
“You misinterpret me. It won’t happen again because there’s no need.”
“Yes, there is. You didn’t see yourself today. Between your flinches lurked serenity. If I had stopped sooner, you could have had that serenity without the flinching.”
“That’s not how it works, Will. You don’t need to worry about it. I actually have no intention of bringing Kaleana back into this part of my life.”
“If you’re not going to let me and won’t ask her, then that’s not going to make anyone happy. I want to do this for you when you need it.”
“That’s exactly the point, Will. I always need it. There’s not a moment that passes that I don’t think about it. Any serenity I had today was because I could still feel the pain. This isn’t something you can just take care of, and then it’s gone.”
“If I don’t understand, you can teach me. Show me. Talk to me, Malcolm. That’s why I came here. I needed you to know, to look into my face and see my sincerity. When you’re ready for it again, ask me. You can message me anytime, and I’ll come. It’s not as if I have anything else occupying my time.”
Malcolm unbuckled his belt, folded it, and tossed it onto the bed.
“You’re not ready.”
Malcolm stepped forward, into the light, closer to Will. “Yes, I am. That’s what you don’t understand, Will.”
“I went too far last night. You almost let me injure you, and I would never have been able to forgive myself for that, not after everything you’ve done.”
Malcolm shook his head. “You overestimate the damage.”
Will came closer, making sure Malcolm could see his face. “I have eyes, Malcolm. I saw it last night. There’s no way those marks are gone.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me. I won’t do it again until the marks are gone. When they are, I hope you’ll have the courage to give me another chance.” Will didn’t know Malcolm well enough to know how much he would value his pride. He had an inkling that Malcolm would willingly sacrifice it in deference to the well-being of one of his Zeds. “If you don’t, I understand. It’ll only be one more failure in a long line of them for me.” Someday, he hoped to be as proficient in delivering physical blows for Malcolm’s benefit as he was in delivering verbal ones. He stepped back. “If you let me, I can give you what you need. I’m sure of it.” Will took the belt from the bed and handed it back to Malcolm. “So put this away, but only for a little while. I’m not giving up on you, Malcolm. Don’t give up on me.”
Malcolm took the belt, and Will left the room. He didn’t know how to make Malcolm understand. He only hoped he’d let him in. On an impulse, Will pulled out his Glass Tab before he’d even reached his room. He typed a message and had the tab read it back to him to make sure he’d gotten it right.
“Don’t worry. They’ll be gone before you know it, and we’ll have another go. It’ll get better.”
It had to.
19
Nineteen
“That doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
Malcolm had replayed those words in his head dozens of times. It would have been easy to laugh at Will’s naïveté, at his blatant misunderstanding of the pain Malcolm craved, but that wouldn’t have been fair. He couldn’t mock the boy for his concern. It had shone down on Malcolm, a ray of light in the darkness of his own self-hatred for his past sins and the desires that would drive him to repeat them.
Will had asked for his trust, had offered his care. Malcolm couldn’t disregard that lightly. A voice in the back of his mind warned him that he was treading dangerous ground, that if he had any love in his body for Will, he wouldn’t let him continue down this path. That voice easily succumbed to the overwhelming desire Malcolm had to feel the leather against his skin again—to feel Will applying it.
“Standing in front of the mirror won’t make them disappear any quicker. Are you coming to breakfast?”
Something about communicating via tab messages loosened both their tongues. He didn’t know what Will had been trying to prove, but he’d taken to messaging him regularly, reminding Malcolm that he was available. It’d been two days. Last night, he’d finally applied Necca gel to make the marks go away. He could have done so earlier, but he hadn’t wanted to let go of the traces of the beating in case another one didn’t materialize. After Will kept messaging him, Malcolm’s confidence that another encounter would follow the disappearance of the marks grew. He didn’t want the ache to fade, but the sooner he could get rid of the visual evidence, the sooner he could have it again.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“So you’re not in front of your bathroom mirror right now?”
Malcolm supposed it wasn’t such a stretch for Will to guess what he was doing. They both knew he was eager for another beating. No sense denying it. Besides, these little tête-à-têtes were fun, and Malcolm was in an especially good mood this morning. He pulled up the security feed from the dining room on his tab and put it in the corner. Will was walking to his seat.
“I didn’t say that. I merely do not invest mirrors with magical powers they do not possess. I’m coming down.”
Will smiled, and Malcolm thought he saw him laugh. Satisfaction washed over him. Will laughed plenty with the others, but Malcolm had never elicited so much as a chuckle from him. He kept the feed up while he went downstairs and typed his next message.
“They’re gone. See you tonight.”
He waited to send it until he walked into the dining room. As he took his seat, he saw Will check his tab. Milk sputtered out of his mouth, and he coughed.
“All right, Will?” Malcolm kept his voice level.
Will looked up from his tab, and Malcolm saw a spark in his eyes. He didn’t know if it was nervousness, anticipation, or simple good humor. He gestured for Will to wipe the milk from his chin. Will obliged and nodded. “I’m fine.”
“Good, then please put your Glass Tab away. I don’t like them at the table. This is family time.”
Will smirked. “Of course.”
Malcolm nearly smiled. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kaleana watching them. He turned to her and raised his brow. She just shook her head and went back to eating. He didn’t care that she knew. Tonight, he would be able to sink into the exquisite pain that would relieve him of some of the burden he carried. It’d been a lon
g time coming.
Dinner had been excruciating. He’d considered not going, but that wouldn’t have been fair to the boys. He couldn’t let his own desires eclipse his responsibility to them. Still, he’d been more than relieved when Kaleana reminded him in front of everyone that he had an early morning meeting and should probably head to bed. He didn’t miss the twinkle in her eyes.
In his room, he changed quickly, wanting to be ready by the time Will made it up. The ache from the previous beating had completely ceased. In just a little while, it’d be back, and he could drown himself in it. He tingled in anticipation.
Wearing his soft cotton pants, he retrieved the thick leather belt he’d had Will use last time. It was soft and supple in his hands. He shuddered, knowing how it would feel against his skin. The sting, the heat, the deep ache. Its kiss was familiar, like an old friend, the closest thing to a lover he’d ever had.
He placed the belt on the bed and paced the floor. The cool marble felt pleasant against his feet, especially since he was already getting hot as he mentally readied himself. Last time, he’d come so close to oblivion. He needed Will to take him there tonight, but he didn’t know how to push him that far.
A knock sounded on the door. Finally.
“Come in.”
Will entered. Malcolm stood still, not wanting him to see him pace. If he showed any sign that could be interpreted as being unsure, he feared Will would decide not to give him what he craved.
“You weren’t getting nervous I wouldn’t show, were you?”
He’d been too excited to even consider that possibility, although he was now, absurdly, worried that Will wouldn’t follow through. “Should I have been?”
“No. I told you I’d be here when you were ready.”
The words were spoken in a matter-of-fact manner. It put Malcolm at ease. Will was a good man. He had the strength of character Malcolm aspired to.
“Before we get started, I have a condition.”
Malcolm’s heart sank. Of course it was too good to be true. He didn’t want restrictions. He just wanted the pain. “And what is it?”
“That you let me know if I’ve gone too far.”
Will’s intense gaze stilled Malcolm’s urge to smile. “I have no problem with that.” He’d yet to have a beating that was too intense.
“All right, then. I’d like to try it with you over the bed this time, if you don’t mind.” Will retrieved the belt.
“Any particular reason?”
“I’ve been thinking about it, and I think you’ll be able to let go if you’re not worried about maintaining your position against the wall. Also, I want to see your face this time, and lying on the bed will make that easier.”
He actually preferred it over the bed for precisely the reason Will outlined, but it wouldn’t lessen the amount he needed, which he was sure was Will’s intention. However, the idea of having Will see his face unsettled him. “Is there a reason you need to see my face?”
“Is there a reason you don’t want me to?”
Malcolm wanted to say privacy, but it sounded ridiculous even to himself.
“I’m new at this, Malcolm. You’re excellent at hiding behind your composure, but if something shows through on your face, I want to see it. I need all the feedback I can get.”
In a weird way, keeping his face visible made Malcolm feel far more naked than anything else could. If he had to keep his expression controlled, what was the point? How could he surrender himself to the sensation if he was thinking about what he looked like?
Malcolm had waited for this. He’d gone so long without it, and now that he’d had a taste, he wanted it more. Will stood patiently, waiting for his answer. He held the belt folded over, ready to begin. His eyes were intense and controlled. All Malcolm really had to ask himself was if he trusted Will. He did, unequivocally. So far, Will hadn’t done anything to abuse his trust, and Malcolm had given him every reason to.
He nodded and untied his pants. When he had folded and placed them neatly on the bed, he took his position. The cool cotton sheets encouraged him to relax. Turning his head to face Will, he watched him take his stance. Before Will could begin, Malcolm deliberately closed his eyes. He didn’t want Will to think he was going back on their deal, and he wanted to give him a chance to say something if he wasn’t all right with it.
Will didn’t react to his closed eyes, thank the Spark. Having to keep his eyes open would turn this into an ordeal. All that was left to do was wait. This was always the worst part. No matter how much he craved it, the first blow always came as a shock. It would take a few lashes to settle into the pain, find his bearings, but it was always worth it. Always.
He heard the belt cut through the air a split second before it made contact with his skin. The trail of fire it left in its wake was welcome, even though he hissed. In a few seconds, it would deepen into a pleasant pain.
The next strike hit and then the next. Will was starting in strong. Good. He didn’t want a warm-up. This wasn’t foreplay. He sought pain, pure and simple. The timing between strikes ensured that the previous line of fire hadn’t melted completely into the pleasant burn, ensuring a constant edge—an edge Malcolm could ride into oblivion if Will would take him there.
The intensity increased. The faster and harder Will hit him, the faster and harder he needed to feel the belt on his skin. The cycle fed on itself. Malcolm didn’t consider that there was logically no end to it. He saw a darkness up ahead that he could fall into if Will would just push him in, just a little harder.
The edge sharpened. Malcolm was grateful for the bed beneath him, holding him up. Faster, harder, sharper. He’d fall into the abyss any second now. He could make it. The pain could take him there.
It stopped. The pain ceased. The deep glowing ache filled him, warmed him, sent pleasure running through his body. The combination of cool air and sweat made him shiver.
Malcolm opened his eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“You didn’t say anything.”
“About what?”
“I had only one requirement, Malcolm. We’re going to talk before I swing this belt one more time.”
Anger curled inside him. For a fleeting second, he knew it partly hid the deep-rooted shame that plagued him. He couldn’t let the anger show. Not to a Zed who had done nothing wrong. “Stop, Will. If you don’t want to do it, then don’t, but don’t make me lay myself any more bare than I already have.”
Will shook his head. “You need to talk to me. I can’t keep doing this. I won’t beat you bloody. So I need you to tell me what you want. What is it you need? You didn’t welcome the sexual release last time, so I thought it was just the pain you wanted. But I took you even further this time, and you’re still unsatisfied. What then? This can’t work if you won’t talk to me.”
He was right. This couldn’t work. It had been madness to even try, to suppose for a second that it was reasonable to ask Will to do this, that he could just beat him and let that be that. It had only worked with Kaleana because she knew everything about him. She knew what he could never tell Will. If only Will’s presence hadn’t served as such a strong reminder that he didn’t deserve the respite, that he couldn’t ask Zeds to do this for him.
Malcolm watched the light in Will’s eyes fade as he straightened himself from the bed. Will would view this as a failure, and that pulled at Malcolm’s heart. But he couldn’t give him what he asked for.
“Then I suppose we’re done.” Malcolm wanted to say thank you for trying, but that didn’t seem right since it wasn’t a failing on Will’s part. “I won’t bother you with this again.”
Will’s grip whitened around the belt. “Why? Just talk to me. Trust me. There’s nothing you could say that would make me think less of you.”
Malcolm should have seen it before. Will wasn’t simply grateful to him. He had developed a certain hero worship. Understandable, and if it helped him, then Malcolm was fine with playing the part of the hero. But there was no mistaking
that he wasn’t. As much as Malcolm wanted to convince himself that he was keeping quiet to protect Will and not himself, he knew that wasn’t true. Will was frustrated with him now, but Malcolm didn’t think he could handle Will’s disappointment or his disgust.
“It’s fine. Really. You’re quite good at it, Will. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.”
“This isn’t over. If you don’t want to talk to me tonight, I understand. You had different expectations coming in here. When you’re ready to talk, message me.”
“I don’t want you to think—”
“No, you’ll message me. If you could see yourself right now, you’d be sure of it too. When you’re ready, I’ll listen, and I won’t pass judgment. I’m hardly in a position to do so. When we understand each other, I’ll give you what you need. I can do it. You need to let me.” Will tossed the belt on the bed and left.
How had he found such a Zed wallowing away in the back room of Emporium? No one had ever spoken to him that way. Kaleana came close, but she didn’t have Will’s fierceness.
Standing alone in the cool of his room, Malcolm wanted to call Will back. He wanted to tell him everything, every last secret. He wanted to pour it all out at Will’s feet and trust that he’d take care of it. Even if Will despised him and turned away, it would at least be a relief to have it all out. But that wasn’t fair to Will. He couldn’t be expected to carry that knowledge. And if he did turn away from him, it would put him in a horrible position in the house. If there was anything Malcolm was sure of, it was that this was the safest place for Will, as long as Malcolm didn’t foist any dangerous knowledge on him.
He went to the bathroom and masturbated, needing the endorphins to help him sleep. A quick splash of water on his face to remove the sweat, and he settled on his stomach on top of the sheets.
As soon as he got comfortable, his Glass Tab chirped.
Malcolm groaned. He couldn’t move. “Malcolm’s tab, read me the message.”
His tab’s soothing male voice filled the air. “Trust me. You won’t regret it. I’ll make sure of it.”
[In Distress 01.0] In Distress Page 14
