Impossible

by Laurel Curtis

  My eyes narrowed, and I cleared my throat. That comment had definitely been on purpose, and I was definitely meant to hear it. Oh well, we had already established I was no wallflower. I had no claim on him, but our stance said otherwise, and I didn’t like to be messed with.

  “Awww, that’s sad Debbie. But clearly-” Reaching down and grabbing his hand, I laced our fingers together at my hip and gave it a squeeze for emphasis before finishing, “-he’s fucking busy.”

  Cade bit his lip to keep from bursting out laughing. Luckily, he took what I had done to be funny, instead of getting mad. Debbie, however, did not. She was freaking fuming, but she didn’t get any words out. Instead, she just huffed, skewered me with a look that promised death, and continued on her way into The Dip and Shake.

  As soon as she was gone, I dropped Cade’s hand and he opened his mouth. “Well, well, well. That sure was interesting, Banty baby.”

  “Whatever, Cade.”

  “What? So I like the way my given name sounds comin’ out of your mouth. Sue me. I figured once somebody told you, you’d call me Cade just like everybody else. I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.”

  That was really nice. But it was also irrelevant. I needed to get back on track here. I didn’t live here. I lived on the road, chasing storms. I didn’t make long-standing connections with people, so I shouldn’t be calling him anything long term.

  Therefore, the next thing I said, I said on purpose. “Goodbye...Cade.”

  His face fell vacant, and I was surprised by how much it hurt. Feeling the tears, tears I hadn’t shed in a long time, just below the surface, I stepped away from him, opened my door, and climbed into my Tahoe.

  It was for the best. It was for the best for me and for him. I wasn’t worthy of the time of someone like him, romantic or not. Not this version of me anyway. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself as I backed out of the spot and drove away, leaving one of the most gorgeous men I’d ever met -in my life- standing there, watching me drive away.

  Chapter 4

  Nan

  Sitting on the side of the road in Grover, Missouri, I leaned forward and put my head on the steering wheel, my hands sliding from the top, down, and around the sides.

  After I left Coleman the night before, I had decided that there was no way I was going to watch CJ at the rodeo tonight. It would only work in opposition to my goals. I needed to distance myself, get back to the way things had been, the way I was comfortable.

  But as I drove and tried to do what I normally did, my eyes wouldn’t get off of the clock. It was literally like they had a mind of their own, and that mind was magnetically connected to the digital display in the center of my dash. Bottom line, I wasn’t concentrating, and that would get me killed.

  So here I was, on the side of the road, trying to decide what to do. My palms were sweaty, and my stomach hurt. I didn’t know what the right decision was here. It was usually so easy to decide what to do, but this time, I was making myself sick over it.

  Shitdizzle. There was an all out war going on in my head, but there was really only one answer.

  I was going. Clearly, my head wasn’t in the game as far as the chase was concerned, so I might as well. Not to mention, with my thoughts this consumed, there was no way I’d be able to let it go.

  But, ever the coward, there were conditions to this decision. I wasn’t going to let him see me. I would just watch from the side and then get the hell out of there. Yeah. A nice compromise.

  ********

  It was tricky being as short as I was. I was trying to stay hidden, but I needed to actually be able to see or there was no point in being here. Everybody and their brother was wearing a cowboy hat too, which only added to my visual difficulties.

  Shoving my way through the crowd gently, I finally found a good spot, behind two guys standing at the fence, but I could see between them.

  It didn’t take me long to spot CJ, on top of the chutes, hanging out with the other cowboys, but his eyes were scanning the crowd. Crap. I hoped he wasn’t looking for me.

  “He’s looking for you, you know.”

  Holy shit!

  That scared me to death! Whipping around to find the source of the female voice, I came face to face with an older, female version of the two Colemans. This must be Nan.

  As I took her in, I realized that CJ’s Nan didn’t really look like a Nan at all. She looked incredibly young, actually. Her hair was the same almost black, not a gray hair in sight, and fell to her shoulders, but her eyes were a piercing blue, something akin to the color of pool water. Her skin was incredibly youthful except for a few laugh lines around her eyes as well as olive in color, and her body was in fantastic shape. Under normal circumstances, women could only hope to age as well as she clearly had.

  Unable to stop myself, I blurted out, “You look way younger than I expected.”

  A smirk touched just the corner of her mouth; a smirk that I had seen before. “I’ll take that as a compliment in two ways, dear.” She ticked off two of her fingers as she made her points. “Obviously, someone has been talking about me, and it’s always better to be younger than someone expects instead of older.”

  I figured that was true, but besides looking young, she just was. I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised. Coleman looked too young to be a parent to CJ, too. I wondered how old he really was.

  Cutting off my thoughts of her son, Nan started to talk about her grandson again. “He’s looking for you.” My eyes focused on her and I gave her my undivided attention as she continued, “Last night he told me all about this special person he had invited to be here tonight.”

  I was just starting to think that that didn’t really sound like something a fifteen year old bull rider would say when she clarified, “Of course, he didn’t say those words exactly, trying to protect his manly reputation and all, but I could hear it in his voice.”

  My nose stung with tears as I turned back to look at CJ. He looked so young as I watched him searching for me through the crowd. There was so much hope in his eyes, and it freaking killed me.

  Turning back to Nan, I stated my case honestly. “I can’t be what he wants me to be. I’m not that person. I’m not there for other people, not anymore, only for myself.”

  Her face openly displayed her concern and sympathy as she responded quietly. “Oh, sweetheart. Can’t you tell? You’re already that person. Whether you want it or not.”

  She kept her eyes on me intently, studying my movements as I bit my bottom lip and curled my hands into fists. Then she went about rocking my world.

  “I used to know someone like you, Roni. And I think your real problem is that you do want this. You want to be loved and needed. You want someone to wait anxiously to see you, eyes filled with hope, just like CJ. You just don’t think you’re allowed to have it.”

  She looked back to CJ and kept her eyes glued to him as she spoke the rest of her thoughts. “I’ve seen what it looks like when someone runs because they’re only thinking of themselves. That was CJ’s mother. The look in your eyes is completely different, Roni. Trust me, I know. Just because I don’t look as old as you were expecting doesn’t mean I’m too young to see the truth.”

  Reaching out slowly, she gently placed her hand against my cheek for a few seconds before pulling it back and walking away.

  As I watched her fade into the crowd, I took in a shaky breath. For some reason, this family saw me. The real one. And it had taken them no time at all. In just a few days, they had done more damage to the emotional wall I’d built than anyone else had in three years.

  When I couldn’t see her anymore, I turned back to the arena and found CJ’s face one more time. They were finishing up the bronc riding, about to move onto the bulls, and I could see that CJ had given up on me. His face was a mask of dejection, and my stomach churned with guilt and unease.

  I couldn’t take it.

  In a split second decision that I knew would change everything, I stepped out from behind t
he guys who had me hidden, jumped up on the bottom rail of the metal panel fencing, stuck two fingers in my mouth, and gave an ear piercing whistle. It turned more than just CJ’s head, but his was the only one that mattered.

  As he realized that it was me and that I wasn’t an illusion, he smiled so wide that the corners of his mouth nearly reached his hairline.

  Panic immediately set in. What had I done?

  Oh, God.

  I felt my heart rate pick up, and I knew there was no going back. Somehow, someway, when I wasn’t paying attention, I had let him in, and I would never be able to let him go.

  I know that seems like a crazy, exaggerated statement to make, but when I let someone in they’re there forever. That’s why I shut everyone out after that day three years ago. If you didn’t let someone in, you couldn’t lose them. Arguably, Josh’s parents and my other loved ones already meant something to me, but if I pretended they didn’t exist by living a life completely separate from them, I couldn’t lose them. Losing someone else would break me. I knew that it was a freaking clusterfuck of monster proportions to think like that which is why I didn’t. Think, that is. I went through the motions, chased storms, and lived in a comfortably numb fog.

  Until now, I guess.

  I figured the best way to get through this was to put it out of my mind and focus on watching him. So that’s what I did.

  As the clowns ran the bull from the previous rider out of the arena, CJ climbed down onto the dark brown bull, straddling it while strapping his right hand against the bull’s back. He had a cowboy hat on his head, which made me nervous since it wasn’t a helmet, and chaps on his legs that were a familiar color of bright blue.

  Carefully sliding his hips up into his hand, he reached out with his left hand and grabbed the piped top of the chute gate. I focused on CJ’s face as I listened to the announcer speak.

  “Ladies and Gentleman! Up next we have local boy Coleman Cade, Juniorrrr! Not only is he a respected rider in his own right, he’s also the son of five-time PBR champion, Coleman Cade!”

  Holy shit. That’s what Coleman was doing in Denver. Don’t get me wrong, I had suspected, but I had no idea he had those kind of accolades to his name.

  Sweet lord, no wonder the ladies threw themselves at him as brazenly as Debbie had last night. Not only was he freaking drop dead gorgeous, he was the rural world’s version of a rockstar.

  CJ nodded his head and the gate to the chute swung open. The bull he was on wasted no time kicking and thrashing, spinning and jumping, trying to get him off his back any way possible. I bit my lip so hard that I tasted a little bit of blood, something I couldn’t even do in the shower every morning, so I forced myself to relax. When I let myself really watch, I was amazed. He was a natural, his body moving in perfect timing with the bull’s every jump. So much so, that he made it look easy.

  I had no right to it, but I couldn’t stop the pride from swelling in my chest. When the buzzer rang out that he’d made it the full eight seconds, my body acted in a way that it had to have had a mind of its own. I jumped up and down and even screamed my congratulations, clapping my hands the whole time.

  Who was this exuberant woman who had taken over my body?

  CJ made his exit off of the bull look easy, landing on his feet and letting his eyes roam through the crowd. Thank God. He pumped his fist in the air, high on the adrenaline that was no doubt running through his body, and then turned to me, throwing a wink in my direction.

  Sweet lord, I hope he learned that from his father because if he knew to do that all on his own at fifteen, he probably already had more experience than I was comfortable with.

  Obviously not thinking his wink was as big of a deal as I did, CJ turned on his heel and jogged to the gate in the middle of the chutes to leave the arena.

  Color me impressed. He was a kid, but he definitely rode and performed like a man. The crowd ate him up and absolutely loved him. They didn’t know him (at least some of them didn’t), but I, of all people, knew that he made an impression. A total of a couple of hours with him and his father, combined with a few minutes with his Nan, and I had shifted my way of existence.

  I was by no means ready to start thinking about my past, but I was letting people into my future. At least, sort of. I was spending time with them and interacting. And that was a freaking gigantore step.

  As I waited for what would come next, me putting in an effort in order to take a step toward a relationship with CJ, I grew nervous to the point that I was actually jittery.

  I stood there, faced the arena, and watched the other riders, but I didn’t see them. My mind was too preoccupied. My foot was up on the first rung of the fence and my knee bounced with the nerves. My stomach was unsettled and my chest was tight with anxiety.

  Luckily, CJ didn’t make me wait long, as only a couple of minutes had passed when I felt a gentle hand land on my shoulder.

  As I took my foot down and turned around, I made myself push passed the nausea and form a small smile.

  CJ’s answering smile was award winning. Or, at least, it would be if it were entered in some kind of contest.

  He didn’t even try to cover up the enthusiasm in his voice as he said, “Roni! You came. What’d you think?”

  I gave him a gentle punch to the shoulder, something I had to reach up quite a bit to do, and responded, “I told you I’d try. I tried, and here I am. And you were good.”

  When he gave me a skeptical look, I amended my statement. “Okay, you were freaking awesome, CJ. And you know it.”

  A cocky smile settled on his face, and I knew I was right. The little shit knew exactly how good he was.

  Trying hard to be casual and normal, I queried, “How did you get so good, so comfortable looking? You know you’re on a freaking bull, right?”

  He chuckled heartily before murmuring, “My dad put me on a bull when I was three, Roni. I’ve had a lotta time to get comfortable, as you put it.”

  I nearly choked on my tongue. “Three?! What is he, crazy?! You don’t put a three year old on a bull!”

  That produced more laughter, but he made sure he at least tried to comfort me. There was another emotion in his eyes, but it wasn’t one I could make sense of, so I ignored it. “Relax! It was a calf. And that’s when just about everyone starts. Besides, I’m standin’ right in front of you, so obviously I lived to tell about it.”

  Just because that was a practical answer didn’t mean I had to like it. Therefore, I grumbled under my breath, “You should at least wear a helmet.”

  My voice was low, but not low enough that he couldn’t hear me.

  “Sorry, Roni, but I’m not a helmet wearin’ guy. It’s probably smart, but it’s just not me. And you should know, it’s not my dad either. Nan’s been tryin’ to get us to wear them for years, and if she can’t make it happen, no one can.”

  I didn’t know her well, but I figured that was true. She had an essence about her. When that woman spoke, people listened.

  I wanted to stay on him, like a dog on a bone, but I had absolutely no entitlement. We had the relationship of acquaintances. The beginning stages of friends at best. I certainly wasn’t in the position to tell him what to do, so against all of my raging instincts to fight, I let it go.

  I looked away from CJ’s face for a brief moment, and that was all it took to notice that Nan was standing behind his right shoulder.

  Noticing my eyes move and lock onto something behind him, CJ turned, a bark of excitement escaping his mouth when he saw who it was.

  He closed his arms around her in a fierce hug, without the slightest bit of prompting or signs of embarrassment. He loved his grandmother and hugged her with an intensity that left no room for the humiliation that a fifteen year old boy would normally feel during such a display.

  At least, a normal fifteen year old boy.

  Breaking contact after a few seconds, he turned back to me and introduced me to the woman who was obviously an important fixture in his life.


  “Roni, this is my Nan. Nan, this is Roni.”

  I gave a small smile and started to tell him that we’d already met, when she cut me off. “Oh, we actually already-”

  Shoving her hand out, Nan talked over me. “It’s nice to meet you, dear.”

  For some reason she was covering up the fact that we had already talked, and the look on her face implied strongly that I should go along with her.

  Normally, I stood up to people, but I wasn’t about to start an argument with this woman over something so trivial. It wasn’t like I’d known her for years. We’d had one conversation. It just happened to be one very important conversation. A conversation that had changed my outlook, and informed me of some of CJ and Coleman’s history. At least, the part where CJ’s mother took off.

  Oh well. I could ask her about it later.

  “It’s nice to meet you too...Nan?”

  They both broke out into light laughter as Nan gave me what I was looking for. “Nan will work just fine, Roni. It’s what everyone else calls me.”

  I smiled and gave a small nod of acknowledgment because I didn’t know what else to say.

  CJ either didn’t notice my awkwardness, or maybe he did and waded in to help me. “You should come to dinner with us. I know we were just there last night, but we always go to The Dip and Shake after a rodeo.” He gave a shrug of his shoulders and added, “Tradition.”

  I didn’t really know if I was up for more time with the family, but I was starving and there weren’t very many options in this town. I also thought it would be really obvious if I didn’t go eat with them but went and ate somewhere else. If I didn’t want to starve, the choice was obvious.

  Internally slapping myself on the back of the hand and shaking my head, I geared up for more time socializing.

  I could be upset about it, but I really only had myself to blame for this. I had stepped out from behind those guys, purposely gotten CJ’s attention, and I knew this is what would happen.