Commitment

by Heather Dahlgren

  There is a knock on my door and it opens. I know without looking that it is Young. I keep looking at the ceiling because for the first time since I was sixteen, I feel like I could actually cry. I feel the bed dip by my feet and he lets out a sigh. “Maddie, I don’t know what happened last night but I need to know.” I let out a sigh this time because I just don’t know how to talk to him about all of this. “It’s me, babe. You know you can tell me anything.” God damn it. I know he is trying to be understanding, but he has no idea what the fuck I am feeling. How many men want to actually be with a whore? “Come on, talk to me.” I sit up quickly and pull my legs to sit crossed.

  “You want to know what happened? I’ll tell you. When I was sixteen mommy dearest used me in her sick fucking hooker house. Men paid her to have sex with me; I’m not talking sweet romantic sex. I’m talking fucking a young girl because it was their fantasy. I was taught to let a man have his way with me, but never commit to him. I was taught to be perfect at all times, no matter what. I was taught to do as I’m told. When you called me ‘baby girl’ it brought it all back because that’s what they used to call me. Are you happy now? You have been in a relationship with a whore this whole time.” He is looking at me with every emotion you can imagine crossing his face. He chooses to stick with pissed. He stands up with his hands behind his head gripping his neck.

  “What the fuck did you just say?” I close my eyes and shake my head “no.” I am not repeating it. “That’s what I thought you said. I’m going to fucking kill your mother. I’m not talking out of my ass either, I will fucking kill her for doing that to you.” I begin to cry for the first time in years. It’s all just too much. I have my hands over my face, sobbing into them. He sits next to me and pulls me to his chest. “Don’t cry, Maddie.” He holds me until I have no more tears to cry.

  “Young, I’m so fucking confused right now. I love you so much, but I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I’m mixing up how I used to feel with how I feel now.” He rubs his hand up and down my back in a soothing motion.

  “Maddie, I love you to fucking much too just let go. You tell me what I need to do, I’ll do it.” I bury my head into his chest.

  “That’s just it, Young. I don’t know what I need. I know I need to never, ever see my mother again. She brought this all back, she wants me to go home and be her little whore again.” He wraps his arms so tightly around me I can hardly breathe. I don’t care though, he’s trying to protect me the only way he knows how.

  “That is NEVER going to happen. I promise you that.” I can hear his heart pounding in his chest. I don’t know if it’s out of fear of losing me or out of anger for my mom. “Don’t pull away now, I can’t lose you.” Fuck, I’m so conflicted. I pull away from his chest and look at him. He doesn’t look like the cocky, hilarious, sexy guy I love. He looks lost, sad, maybe broken. I reach up and move his hair off his forehead.

  “I think I need time. I’m so sorry.” I let my hand drop to my lap and he gets up pacing the room.

  “All because of your fucking mom? I’m going to lose you because she is a sick fuck?” He’s not yelling, but he definitely has risen his voice. He is pulling at his hair and rubbing his neck.

  “Young, please try to understand it. She did this to me, she fucked me up.” He sits down on the foot of the bed again and squeezes my knee.

  “Maddie, I love you no matter what. I don’t give a fuck what you did, what you were forced to do, or what you think you believe. I know who you are. I’ll give you time if that’s what you need, hell I waited this long. But believe me when I say, this isn’t over. This is far from over.” He stands up and starts to walk toward the door before he opens it, he punches it. Hard. “FUCK!” He turns his head to look at me with his hand on my doorknob. “Maddie, I think you better go talk to someone. Someone who can help you deal with what you’ve been through. I’ll take care of the rest.” With that, he walks out of my bedroom and closes the door behind him.

  For the second time I feel tears running down my face. “Fuck.” I whisper to myself and lay down to think about what I’m going to do next.

  I finally get out of bed around noon and make my way to the shower. I shower, pull up my hair, and put on my jeans and halter-top. I need to feel pretty. I go back to my room, fix my hair and makeup until it looks perfect. I give myself a sad smile in the mirror. “Well, you need to do it. You’ve put it off far too long.” I give myself a nod and get up to go find my girls.

  After I tell Kenz and Becca everything a tiny piece of me feels lighter, like the load I’ve been carrying had finally been dumped. As I knew they would be, they were disgusted, not at me at my mom. They told me over and over again that it doesn’t make me a bad person and they love me. “Girls, there is more.” They look at each other and back at me. “I told Young I need a break. I need to fix myself, he’s obviously hurt, but I need to do this.” I take a deep breath and finally say it. “I need to get professional help.” They both hug me and cry on my shoulder. I’m done crying, it is not going to help me. I need a professional for that.

  “Maddie, you know my dad is a therapist. I could give him a call and find out who he would recommend if you want?” I give Becca my first real smile.

  “Thanks, Becca. I would appreciate it.”

  “You know you’re not alone in this, Maddie. We will help you every step of the way.” Kenz knows what it’s like to hold a secret; she knows how it eats you alive. We sit and talk the rest of the day away. They never leave my side, other than making dinner. The guys don’t come over and I’m not sure if that is because the girls told them to stay away or if they are dealing with Young. Either way, I’m grateful. After spending hours talking about everything, I begin to doze off on the couch. I still haven’t slept, so my body is finally giving up.

  “Girls, I need to go to bed. Thank you for everything today. I don’t know what I would do without you guys. You’re not just my best friends, you’re my sisters.” We hug again and I kiss them both good night.

  I wake up at seven and rush to get ready for work. After a quick shower, fixing my hair and makeup I go in search of coffee. “Morning, bitches.” They both smile at me and hand me a cup.

  “Did you sleep alright?” I didn’t sleep great, I admit I missed Young but I was so tired I just crashed.

  “Yes. So, I’m going into work and I’ll call that therapist on my lunch break.” Becca had called her dad last night and got me the number of a very reputable therapist that deals with childhood sexual abuse. As humiliated as I am to tell a stranger what happened, I know this is the only way for me to move on.

  After I left Maddie’s apartment, I already knew what I was going to do. I went to my place and explained everything to Campbell and Dick. I knew something horrible happened to her with her mom, but I never would have thought something so fucking awful. My heart stopped beating and literally broke in half for what she had to go through. When she told me she needed time to think, I didn’t know if I wanted to fucking hurt someone or cry like a bitch. When I saw how broken she was, there was no choice but to let her sort it all out. Like I told her, she needs to help herself and I’ll take care of the rest.

  Dick hasn’t said much on the ride, he is quietly supporting me from the passenger seat. I was going to go by myself, but he and Campbell wouldn’t hear of it. Since Campbell couldn’t get the day off and Dick could he was up, dressed and ready to go before I was. We’ve been driving for almost two hours already, my mind is spinning. I need to talk about something else.

  “Hey, Dick. You ever talk to Becca?” He admitted that he is attracted to Becca; actually, he admitted that he has feelings for her. I fucking knew something was going on. After he told me, that’s when I dared him to kiss her. I thought I’d help my brother out. I smile at the thought of being a nice guy for once instead of a douche.

  “No. I’ll talk to her, but I don’t think right now is the best time. I think we need to make sure Maddie is alright before I throw anything else i
n the mix.” This guy is a true fucking friend. I don’t know if my selfish ass would wait, but he is always thinking of everyone else.

  “Thanks again for coming man. I just don’t know what the fuck I’m going to say. I want to fucking hurt someone, take out my anger on their face.” I can’t let go of the anger I feel. It is boiling inside of me.

  “That’s why I’m here, to keep your ass out of jail. We’ll hit the gym tonight and you can take out all that anger on a punching bag.” Fuck a punching bag; I need the satisfaction of being able to hear the hurting I’m putting on someone. Just then, the GPS tells me to turn left. “Tell me again how you got this address.” I flip my blinker on and wait until I can turn. Once I turn, it tells me we are almost there.

  “When that worthless piece of shit stopped by, she threw her whore business card on Maddie’s bed and told me to stop by when things between us were done. Little does she know, I’m going to fuck her, just not the way she thought.” I pull up in front of this huge, stunning home. It is like a fucking millionaire’s home, complete with BMWs, Mercedes, and Jaguars. This bitch is a high paid hooker that’s for damn sure. I go to open the door, but Dick grabs my arm.

  “Young, I stand behind you one hundred percent, but don’t do anything stupid.” I give a quick nod.

  “I’m not man. Just keep your phone on in case I need you.” I have no idea what I’m walking into. I need to make sure Dick has my back if I need him. I get out of Candy and make my way to the front door. I can’t even say I’m nervous at this point, I’m so disgusted with her mother I only see red. I ring the doorbell, cross my arms and wait. I don’t wait long before a busty brunette opens the door. She looks me up and down before licking her lips.

  “Well, hello. What can I do for you, sexy?” She reaches her arm out to touch me and I step around her into the house. I don’t even make eye contact, I am searching the entryway. For what, I have no idea.

  “Not on your life. Where is Lydia?” She doesn’t say anything so I look over at her. She has a pouty lip out batting her eyes at me. If I wasn’t in love with Maddie and this girl wasn’t a hooker, I’d be attracted to her. Fortunately, she disgusts me.

  “You like the older women, I get that. If you ever want to try some young.” I hold up my hand.

  “Don’t even fucking finish that sentence. Get Lydia for me, now.” She turns to walk away; her heels are clicking while she shakes her ass. I shake my head thinking of my girl having to grow up like this. I make my way to the living room and look around. You would never know this was the home of a mother and daughter. There is not one picture, nothing that shows Maddie ever lived here. It reminds me of a hotel lobby, which I’m sure is the feel this bitch is going for.

  “Well, well. I didn’t think you’d actually be here this soon. Relationships are messy and unnecessary. I’ve told Maddie that her whole life. You ready to find out what it’s like to be with a real woman?” I actually feel bile come up my throat. This is one sick, twisted twat. She is standing in front of me with just a button down on, hardly long enough to cover her ass. I look her straight in the eyes so she knows how serious I am.

  “Not if you were the last standing hooker in the world would I put my dick anywhere near you. I’m not here for that, I’m here for Maddie.” She straightens her back, flipping into almost business mode.

  “Oh, good, my baby girl has decided to come home.” There it is that pet name. I can understand so clearly now. It makes me sick; I can’t begin to imagine how it makes her feel. I cross my arms and shake my head.

  “No, my girl isn’t here. She is safe at home. I’m here to talk to you, to set some things straight.” She gives me a mischievous grin and puts her hands on her hips.

  “You want to set things straight? By all means.” She waves her arm indicating me to carry on. I step closer and stare at her with hard eyes.

  “I’m going to say this nicely. Stay the fuck away from her or I’ll have your whorehouse closed down, and I’ll have your sick twisted ass locked up for the rest of your pathetic life. I know what you do and I know what you made Maddie do.” She looks at me with wide eyes but a sick smile on her face.

  “Are you threatening me?” I let out a manic laugh and get right in her face.

  “Fuck no, I’m promising you.” I turn and begin to walk to the front door.

  “Have you called me in?” she yells as I keep walking. I haven’t yet, not without discussing it with Maddie. I don’t say anything; I continue to walk out of the house. I’m hoping I won’t have to be the one to turn her in, I’m hoping Maddie will.

  I get into the car and slam the door. “Shit, are you alright?” I look over at Dick, he has his eyebrows raised.

  “I said everything I need to say.” I will talk about it, just not right now. Dick seems to understand that and slaps my back.

  “Let’s get the fuck out of here.” We do just that. I drive my sexy car back home, hoping the entire drive that Maddie will get the help she needs and her disgusting mother will rot in jail.

  I am leaving Dr. Geller’s office after yet another session. I have made huge progress since I’ve been going to therapy. At first, I didn’t want to open up, but Dr. Geller was patient and once I finally did, I haven’t been able to stop. The biggest thing to happen was when I reported my mom. Dr. Geller said it was the first step in being able to move on. I told the police everything; they went and arrested everyone in that house. I told him I didn’t want to know what happens after this because whatever it is my mother deserves it.

  Today, marks two months of constant therapy, every day for the last two months I’ve met with him. Every time I walk out of this office, I feel that much better about myself. He explained that my sexual behaviors were just a way of me shutting down because that’s what I did at an early age. He told me that I reacted like a lot of girls who have similar situations. That for some reason made me feel normal. Our biggest discussion lately has been Young. I miss him so much. We haven’t hung out a lone, but we have as a group. We’ve talked, again in a group setting, mainly at the bar. With the help of the good doctor, I realized that it is alright to be scared. He told me he thinks I should talk to Young and see where it goes from there. That is exactly what I’m on my way to do. I texted him and asked him to meet me at the diner. The diner where he told me he wanted to be with me. I figured it would be full circle for me to tell him the same there. I’m a nervous wreck, but I need to do this. I need him to know how much I love him and hope that he still feels the same.

  I’ve been waiting for all of two minutes when he comes walking in. He looks so fucking hot. He has on jeans and a tight black shirt. His hair is that perfect mess and his muscles are begging for me to touch them. It’s been far too long since I’ve had sex, longer then when we were going without. I’ve only pleasured myself a handful of times because that was another part of the healing process. Going without sex.

  He spots me and gives me that sexy ass grin. He makes his way to the table, taking a seat across from me. “Hey.” I smile at him because I can tell he is nervous.

  “Hey. Thanks for meeting me.” He knows I’ve been going to therapy, which I think makes him proud.

  “Anytime, you know that. What did you need to talk about?” He is drumming his thumbs on the table, waiting for me to say what I need to say. I just bite the bullet and say it all at once.

  “Young, I’ve worked hard these last two months on making myself a better person. I’ve grown and I’ve healed. Not completely that will takes years, a lifetime maybe. It comes down to this, I love you. I miss you like crazy and I am hoping that you would be willing to try again.” I am talking quickly, trying to get it all out. My leg starts bouncing under the table and I’m tapping my fingers. I’m nervous to hear what he will say. He reaches across and places his hand on both of mine. I look up at him and he has that panty-soaking smile.

  “Maddie, I told you to take your time. I told you this wasn’t over, I’ve just been bidding my time until you realized
it. So, to answer your question, fuck yes, we are giving this another chance. I’m not going anywhere, babe. I fucking love you.” I can’t help myself; I lean over the table, grab his shirt, and pull him toward me. Our lips touch for the first time in months, and holy shit, my body is on fire. I don’t give a fuck about food or talking anymore. I need him, now. We pull apart, both of us panting. “Fuck, I’ve missed you. I’m hard as a damn rock.” I laugh and get up from my seat.

  “Is Candy parked outside?” That’s right, I want car sex and I want it in that hot car. He stands up and grabs my hand, practically dragging me out the door. We don’t say anything as he unlocks the car. My pussy is aching with need, my nipples begging for attention. He holds the door open for me and I get in, he climbs in right behind me. There are no words, we don’t need them. Not right now, at least. He climbs on top of me, causing me to lie flat on the seat. He begins to kiss me, it’s a sweet kiss at first but quickly turns passionate. He runs his hands up and down my body, making me arch toward him.

  “Fuck, Maddie, I missed you so much.” That’s all he says before he starts pulling my clothes off.

  “Oh God, I missed you too.” He has everything off me but my bra and panties. I am franticly pulling his shirt off and unbuttoning his jeans. I start to push them down but he takes over, pulling them off in a flash. Seeing him shirtless and his cock straining against his boxers is all it takes. I unclasp my bra, letting my heavy breasts fall out and shimmy out of my panties. He is breathing heavily letting his eyes roam my entire naked body. It makes my pussy that much more wet. Before he can even make a move, I push on his chest to make him sit up. He understands and before he knows it, I am straddling him. His hands go right to my ass and he squeezes. He removed his boxers so I can feel is cock pushing on my entrance. I start rubbing my wet pussy on him and he throws his head back.