I shrugged, all nonchalant, but my nails bit into my skin and I was struggling not to shrink under his intrusive stare. What the hell was my mom doing standing around smoking a joint with my friends? Her inability to accept she wasn’t a goddamn teenager caused me no end of problems. “There are a few things I need to, uh... consider, you know, before I make my decision.”
He rubbed his thumb over his jaw, his probing eyes flat out refusing to detach from mine. “But you’re going to school, right?”
I finally relented and glanced away, shrugging again in a non-committal way, “Sure. Just not sure where. Yet.”
And now I could feel Liss' stare boring into me, just as interested in my answer. Sweat beaded on my brow. She’d been hounding me relentlessly since she saw that stupid damn letter. Risking a quick peek up through a curtain of hair, I caught her and Leon exchanging a silent look. Goddamn. Scrambling to change the subject, I all but screeched into Leon’s ear and clapped my hands together. “Party for Liss' birthday this weekend, yes?”
A firm No and a Fuck, yeah, rang out in unison, and I latched onto the latter like it was a life preserver and I was adrift at sea, a dozen hungry sharks circling me beneath the surface. Party planner I was not, but if I could avoid an unwanted conversation this lunchtime, I’d grab a sparkly binder and plan my sweating ass off.
Liss caught my gaze, flashing me an unmistakable I know what you’re doing look.
Shit.
After making my escape and hiding in the bathroom for the rest of lunch period, I waited until the warning bell sounded before sauntering down the corridor, marginally late for gym, and completely unbothered by that fact. I stopped by my locker and entered the combination, flinging it open before dropping my sweater inside. Gym sucked ass. I’d already decided I had a stomach-ache that would sadly render me incapable of participating today. Volleyball didn’t bother me one way or the other, I could take or leave it. Volleyball with Raya and five of her pumped-up posse? Yeah, I could leave that all day long. Either their aim was atrocious, or they actively tried to land every single ball in my face. Mrs. Carson was too dumb or too blind to notice their skills had not improved one iota and readily accepted the fake ass apologies they sniggered their way through. I wasn’t down for a black eye today, or a suspension after I finally snapped and landed a right hook on Raya’s cheek. No doubt Carson would damn well see that. So... menstrual cramps it was.
Right as the thought entered my mind, another quickly followed. When did I last have menstrual cramps? The effort of stretching my mind back became painful, seriously painful. I stood rooted to the spot, brows pinched together, as I desperately sought information my brain couldn’t supply. I felt my grip clench around the door of my locker, the metal biting into my clammy palms. My heart pounded unevenly in my chest.
I couldn’t breathe.
Come on, come on... when the hell was it? I must know, surely? An ache bloomed between my furrowed brows, quickly spreading across my forehead and down over my face. Fuck. Dropping my bag like it held a bomb, I sank to my knees with a heavy thud, the impact audible, but barely registering in my panicked state. I’d had a period recently. Obviously, I had. I must have. But I couldn’t fucking remember when!
March? February? I couldn’t think. The vines in my head coiled and slithered until I stumbled upon a memory that sent acid straight to my gut. The contents of my stomach threatened to make a reappearance. I’d been staying at Ren’s in the days after Owen and Brett passed and I’d had to go home to get tampons. It was the last unopened box in the cabinet. I’d used all but one and made a mental note to replace them for next time. I hadn’t replaced them. I hadn’t fucking replaced them! Not possible. Not even remotely possible.
That was what... the second to last week in January? No way. We were a week into April. That wasn’t possible. Did it work like that? Why didn’t I know more about this stuff? How the hell did these things work? My mind spun like I was on a tilt-o-whirl, scrambling to piece together all the parts of the puzzle without hyperventilating. If I hadn’t already been on the floor, I’d have hit it like a sack of potatoes. I was going to throw up. My head shot up. Wouldn’t I have been throwing up if... I couldn’t even think about it. Couldn’t bring myself to contemplate the word. Hope swirled in me, pushing me to my feet as I stuffed everything in my locker and slammed it shut. Throwing up. I would have been throwing up. I would have been. I would have.
The pads of my fingers tapped the screen of my phone like I was possessed, letters appearing so fast my eyes couldn’t keep up.
Me: I need you! Right NOW!!!
Three seconds later.
Me: This is fucking urgent, Liss!
I bounced the phone up and down in my open palm impatiently, willing Liss to see it. Relief slammed through me when the little dots materialized on the screen.
Liss: Wtf?
Me: Can you get out of class?
Liss: Sure…
Goddamn. Was she being deliberately vague? Or was that just me freaking the fuck out?
Me: So do it then. Meet me outside the girls’ bathroom by my locker. Please.
No response. Zero dots. Arghhhh.
Me: ALISSA!
Liss: Cool your jets, woman! On my way. It was either leave the class or spew all over Mr. Reynold's shiny brown loafers... he threw me out faster than he could lace up those bad boys.
What felt like a lifetime later, a blonde head rounded the corner. Shooting forward, I snatched her arm and dragged her into the girls’ bathroom behind me.
“What the…?”
“I'm late,” I blurted, interrupting her.
She frowned, smacking gum between her teeth. “So, what else is new? You're always late. Since when do you care?”
I grit my teeth; the words squeezing out between them. “Not late to class, Liss! I'm late, late.”
Her blue eyes widened, meeting mine. “You don't mean...?”
I nodded solemnly, lowering my gaze.
A long, low whistle sounded from Liss' lips as she processed. Then she burst into action. “Okay, okay, no need to panic. Stay calm.”
Her gaze shot to me, her expression radiating anything but calm. “How late exactly?”
I grimaced, eyes slinking away.
“Ri? How late? When was your last period?”
“Well, I'm not exactly sure, so much has been going on. But… maybe January?” I admitted, voice lowering to barely a whisper.
Liss’ eyes shot wide, along with her mouth, the wad of gum dropping to the floor with a quiet thud. Right next to the splattered organ formerly known as my heart.
“Holy mother fucker of shitsville! What the fuck, Riley? January?? Like the first month of the year, January?”
I shrugged helplessly, recognizing how much of an idiot I was. “I think so. I mean, I’m not always totally regular, but…”
“How can you just be learning this now? How do you not know you've missed like twenty periods? What the hell is wrong with you? I mean, this is some I-didn't-know-I-was-pregnant-til-the-kid-dropped-into-the-toilet-bowl shit right here. Christ! If I look between your legs is a baby gonna be staring back at me, all gums and bewildered face, like oh, hey... surprise!”
“Jesus, Liss!” I whisper-hissed, eyes darting anxiously around. “First of all, lower your voice. And second, I... I... don't know. Okay? There's been a lot going on. And when Ren and I were together after the funeral, I just… I wasn’t expecting it. I lied and told him after that I’d gone on the pill, only because I didn’t want it to be an issue, or for him to feel obligated to do something about it. It was already awkward enough. And I meant to go get some Plan B, I swear to God, I did. But then everything happened and I just, I must have forgotten. Fuck!” I pressed the heel of my palms into my eye sockets. How had I done that? How could I have been so stupid? Her slim hand rubbed my upper arm, but her eyes were super wide in her face as she bounced on her feet, frantically chewing her thumbnail. She blew out a breath, nodding.
“Okay... so, okay. Did you take a test?”
I shook my head. She clapped her hands, her expression taking on a look of focused determination, like she could somehow gain control of this shit-storm of a situation.
“Well, we need to get a test.” She started moving past me, her strides determined, until she got about fifteen feet and realized I wasn't following.
My eyes met hers vacantly. This couldn't be happening. It couldn't. So much had gone wrong in such a brief space of time. I couldn't deal with this right now. Reno definitely couldn't deal with it right now. It wasn't in my plans. It was the opposite of my plans. And there was nothing surer in this world than the fact that this would not, in any way, shape or form, fit into Reno's plans. I turned to Liss, my movements slow and hazy, and whispered, “I didn't think... I didn't...”
Her arms came around me, squeezing, holding me together. “I know. It's okay. It'll be okay.”
I felt myself nodding in agreement, maybe to appease her, maybe to reassure myself, but honestly I knew nothing of the sort, and neither did she. How could it be okay? How could any of this be okay? Reno would never want this. It was taking every effort I possessed just to convince him he wanted me! My shoulders shook before I even registered the sound of the pained sob echoing through the hallway as mine. Liss held tighter.
“Maybe all the stress messed up your cycle? That happens. I've heard that can happen. I bet that's what it is.”
Thirty minutes later, a white stick proved Liss wrong in the most life-shattering way possible.
“Positive.”
Strange how the connotations so strongly associated with that word couldn't be farther from how I felt in this moment. I'd asked Liss to read it out. I couldn't bring myself to look. As if by not reading it, it would give me the outcome I so desperately wanted. Which was stupid. It was unchangeable now, whether it was me, Liss or the goddamn Pope himself who looked at the damn stick. No amount of wishing, hoping, judgement or regret could alter the damage that I’d caused. And that was how it felt. I didn't suddenly become overwhelmed with maternal instincts or feelings of deep love. This was not anything I could accept right now.
My brain shut down, leaving behind a numb fuzziness I welcomed.
“Riley?” Liss’ concerned voice seemed to filter through an ocean of water. I shook my head clear, but the whooshing noise only intensified. Until it was all I could hear. Until my ears rang and my heart pounded, and I couldn't take a breath. My chest was tight, so, so tight. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe.
“Riley?”
My hands clutched at my chest, my brain whirling until it felt like the world was spinning around me, instead of the sun. Liss' worried face swam past me, appearing and disappearing from view, over and over, making me nauseous. I slammed my lids closed, trying to get off this damn carousel of horrors, trying to suck in air and calm my roiling stomach. But I couldn't. I dry-heaved once. Darkness seeped in around the edges of my vision. I could feel the panic rising, choking me, clawing up my throat like sharp fingernails.
Liss' voice carried to me through the fog, coaching me, instructing me to stay calm, to breathe. With whatever remained of my rational thought, I latched on to her words, sucking in air greedily, exhaling long and low. After what felt like hours, the panic receded, my vision cleared, and my heart rate stabilized.
Sitting on Liss' bedroom floor, the enormity of my situation fully registered, the crushing weight of it pressed down on me until it felt like I might never be able to get up.
“You okay?” Liss asked, then cursed. “Sorry, stupid question.”
Shrugging one shoulder, I pulled my legs up and rested my forehead on my bent knees. “I just don’t want to think about it right now... is that okay?”
“Talk about something else?”
“Please.”
She looked thoughtful for a moment, then she snorted through her nose. “You fucking did this on purpose, didn’t you?”
My brows knitted together.
“You can throw me the damn party!”
A wry chuckle escaped before that cloud descended once more and I squeezed my eyes closed. “I’ve fucked everything up.”
She bumped her shoulder into mine. “It’s not fucked up, Ri. It’s just a bump in the road—”
“Bump?” I turned to her with a brow hiked. “Really?”
“Shit! That was totally unintentional.”
Pushing to my feet, I nodded and sucked in my bottom lip. A bump in the road. I hated driving. And I couldn’t even let someone else take the wheel this time. I could distract myself, though. I had to plan a party. There was so much to do.
“What theme are we going for?”
“No theme!” she said, adamant. “Not even if it’s triplets!”
A full body shudder rolled through me. Then I firmly lowered the shutters on that section of my mind. Not yet.
Not yet.
Thirty-Seven
Riley
“Oh my god, I did something stupid! Something so incredibly fucking stupid, Riley!”
“Um... hi to you, too,” I said, balancing the phone between my ear and shoulder, a basket of clean laundry hiked high on my left hip.
“Yeah, hi, hello... fucking hola! But I did something I shouldn’t have, and really, it’s all your fault. And I know I can’t blame you because you’re all... that thing we can’t talk about, and have like actual problems to deal with, but... I did something really fucking stupid!” She was out of breath by the time she’d finished, the words spilling like verbal diarrhea.
“Start at the top, Liss.” I set the basket down on my bed, dropping the phone beside it and putting it on speaker. There was no-one to overhear Liss' dramatic confession. My mom was at Marshall’s, again. Not that anything Liss had to say would offend her.
I heard Liss' measured intake of breath and smiled as I folded a sweater, suddenly eager to hear about someone else’s drama. The-thing-that-couldn't-be-spoken-of wasn’t so easy to brush aside in my head. For every minute I didn’t think about it, I could count ten that I did. It was surreal, and I couldn’t convince myself it was real because I had no symptoms. Well, my boobs were bigger, which I’m sure was a thing, and then there was the obvious lack of my period. A fact I’d failed to notice for a decade. But really, I was all good. Except I wasn’t because... well... but I wasn’t thinking about it right now.
“You refused to hang out last night, and I made a horrible mistake!”
“Okay, tell me all about your stupid mistake. Did you meet the guys at the cornfields?” My lips immediately moved to form the question I wanted to know the answer to—was Reno there?—but I caught the words before they left my mouth. I’d told him I wasn’t feeling great when he’d texted. It wasn’t a lie.
“Yes. Which is how everything got fucked up!” She muttered a curse, then paused. It dragged on for so long, I was about to ask if she was still there. Then she said, “I kissed Leon.”
“What?” I screeched. It was possibly the last thing I would have expected to fall out of her mouth. If she’d told me she’d killed a guy last night, wrapped him up in an old carpet and we had to bury his body in the woods, I’d have been less stunned. “Leon? Like Leon, Leon?”
An extended gargled groan type noise served as confirmation.
“Wow! I thought you guys hated each other.”
“We did!” she yelled, then immediately corrected. “Do! We do! That’s why I don’t get how this happened. I didn’t even drink, Ri! I can’t blame alcohol. I was giving him a ride home when the stupid jerk spilled a full cup of beer all over my car. I pulled over, tossed his ass out, or rather he fell out, and we were yelling at each other. One minute I wanted to wrap my hands around his throat and strangle the life out of him, and the next... the next he pushed me up against the side of the car and we were attacking each other like horny rabid animals! What the fuck, Riley?”
I pressed my lips together, fighting the laugh that would earn me an ear bashing. “There’s a th
in line between love and hate, Liss. I think you crossed it.”
“No, with us there’s hate and more hate. He fucking confused me, and it won’t happen again. But there’s no way I can face him so soon, which is why I’m not coming tonight.”
“What!?” I yelled for the second time in as many minutes. “It’s your party! You have to go. You’re going.”
“Absolutely not. Celebrate without me. Send pics or whatever, and I’ll enjoy it vicariously.”
“There’s no vicariously about it. You’re coming. If I have to play the-thing-that-can’t-be-mentioned card, I will,” I said. When she didn’t respond, I whined, “I need you there, Liss. Oh, and one more thing... it’s for you! Do I need to remind you of that? Plus, I never took you for a coward, Alissa Bedford.”
“Argh! You know what? This is bullshit!”
“Oh, you’re so welcome for your party, by the way!” I shot back, pairing up what I belatedly noticed were odd socks. I added them to the pile anyway.
“Fucking fine then. But uninvite Leon,” she demanded.
“Why... you worried you won’t be able to resist him?”
“You’re an asshole.”
“I know.” I laughed, tossing a second pair of mismatched socks on top of the pile. Still, I did nothing to rectify the sock situation. Odd socks, it seemed, were a problem unworthy of my consideration. “In all seriousness... do you like him? Like, are you attracted to him? I mean, I know you guys rile each other up the wrong way, like, ninety-nine percent of the time, but beyond that... is there something there?”
I expected an instant denial. What I got was an extended pause. Eventually she said, “Honestly, I’ve never looked at him that way before. He followed you around with moon eyes for so long, I don’t think it would have even entered my mind to consider it. But now that you’ve asked, I... I guess I don’t know. Does that... I mean, is that weird for you?”
“No!” I said, my tone emphatic. “God, no! You of all people know that Leon and I weren’t really a thing. God, no. And he didn’t have moon eyes, Liss. I think it was more that he wanted what I couldn’t give him, you know? And that made him want it more. If you like him, I have no problem with it.” She went quiet again, my brows pulled together. “Liss?”
Untouchable: (Unstoppable - Book 1) (The Unstoppable Series) Page 22
