“I didn't fucking say it,” he said urgently, panicked eyes blazing, his voice fevered.
I steeled myself. “Then you got what you wanted all along... for me to hate you enough that you wouldn’t have to.”
His head dropped, his grip tightening where he held onto me. “Riley. Let me make this right. I swear I’ll fucking make this right.”
Easing out of his hold, I took a step back, then another. “Goodbye, Maddox.”
He let me go. I caught sight of Leon’s fist connecting with Reno’s face as I turned.
I made it four steps through the gate, out of sight, before my body folded. Liss was there to hold me up, and I sobbed into her shoulder, like the baby I didn’t know what the hell to do about.
Thirty-Nine
Riley
A week to the day I’d found out, and I still hadn't scheduled a visit to the doctor.
I couldn’t bring myself to. I knew I should, but I was still reeling from the events of the weekend, and this was a problem I couldn’t see a solution for. Whatever I did, though, I’d be doing it alone. And I just… couldn’t. If I didn't acknowledge it, then it wasn't happening. But, as Liss had gently reminded me, this wasn't a situation I could ignore for much longer. I had decisions to make. The thought of those decisions kept me awake at night, my mind screaming and heart beat thundering. The thought of those decisions stabbed at my chest and twisted my insides.
I knew I had options. Options that would make the problem go away. Make it like it never happened. And that’s what I wanted, right? So why did every cell in my body violently reject the mere idea of that? Abortion, adoption... the words hit me like a round of bullets to the heart.
“Did you think any more about...?” Liss asked, voice low enough so only I could hear. Her head tipped closer to mine, but her uncharacteristically serious eyes surveyed the chaotic room around us like an undercover agent, ensuring nobody pried.
My eyes slid closed before her soft question hit my ears. It was the most hideous of all catch-22s. I couldn't bring myself to explore the alternatives, but I couldn't be a mother at this point in my life either. How could I figure out what to do? Kids were some arbitrary thought, an assumed part of my future. Something I hadn’t considered but would probably want when I could provide them with the security and stability all children deserved. As a bare minimum, I’d want a home, an income... oh, and a father who wanted to stick around for longer than the three minutes it took to conceive the kid. I had none of those things.
The choice should have been simple. I was seventeen, still in high school, lived with my strip club dancer mom in a single wide trailer with one bedroom... and Reno didn’t want a future with me. On paper, there was no decision. Write it down fifteen different ways, backward, forward, front and back. The sensible choice would be as plain as the ink markings on the sheet. Yet I found myself wracked with doubt, so much I struggled to think straight.
Staring ahead through weary eyes, I tried so damn hard to resist, but my rebellious gaze strayed, anyway. Reno's unmistakable form appeared in my peripheral, blurred and distant, from across the cafeteria. He'd had the decency to maintain a distance from Raya this lunchtime. The pain he'd inflicted weighed down on my chest like a physical presence. But I’d brought this all on myself. He’d made it clear on numerous occasions. He couldn’t let me all the way in, couldn’t allow himself to believe we might have a future. And why would he? All he’d known was loss. How could he expect to hold on to anything? It was my own stupid fault if I'd refused to hear it. I couldn’t tell him now.
“Come on, Ri.” Applying a little pressure, Liss encouraged me up from the table. Collecting our trash and stacking it on the tray with one hand, she kept the other firmly wrapped around me. I felt redundant as I stood by and watched her transporting the trays. I should have offered to help, but my mind felt spongy and vacant, like it took at least ten seconds longer than normal to process and react, and then my limbs didn't seem eager to respond to my delayed, lackluster commands anyway. So, I let Liss take over, allowed her to guide me out of the cafeteria.
As if acting separate from my brain, my eyes trailed back to the place I'd deemed off limits. To Reno. And just before the cafeteria doors whooshed closed, our gazes clashed. My body stiffened and my chest constricted. My entire world narrowed to the endless brown eyes piercing through me. They were a riot of shame and sorrow, pain and regret. It was almost too much to look at. Time seemed to stand still as we stared at one another. Each beat of my heart slowed, thudding loudly against the inside of my skull, and reverberating around my body. Then the doors snapped together, breaking our connection.
My body swayed and my breath burst from my lungs in a sharp gasp. Liss tightened her grip and propelled us forward, ducking into the bathroom and sitting me down.
“Talk to me, Ri.” Eyes brimming with sympathy and concern scanned my face from a crouched position in front of where I sat hunched on the closed toilet seat.
My lips rolled together, the heavy thuds of my heart still echoing around in my head. It felt like I was breaking into pieces. Like I was a box labelled fragile, but some sadistic person just wouldn’t quit shaking me. Any more strain, I'd split right down the middle.
“I don't know what to do,” I finally whispered, raw emotion smothering my voice. “It's all so messed up. Part of me thinks I should call the clinic and make a damn appointment to... you know... just get it over with. It could all be over. But the rest of me can't stomach the thought of that.”
Her slim hand covered my trembling one. “That's understandable, Ri.”
“Is it?”
Her silky hair glided over her shoulders with the motion of her emphatic nod. “It is. There's no easy decision.”
“What am I supposed to do? Have a baby with no job, no home, and no father? I shouldn't even be considering it.” The words came out unpractised, but their implication shocked me. And Liss. The sharp rise of her eyebrows attested to that, even if she masked it completely a fraction of a second later.
Tone gentle, she probed softly. “And is that what you're doing? Considering it?”
Was I? I couldn't be. I hadn’t allowed it before now, but I loosened the reins and let my thoughts wander to the possibility, my hand dropping to my middle. As my fingers loosely trailed across my stomach, I allowed the idea to take root, imagined a tiny face and ten fingers, ten toes.
A steel shutter slammed down almost instantly. But I could feel the emotions ramming the barrier, demanding entry, refusing to allow me to hold them back for much longer. I had to hold them off. I needed to focus on the practicalities of my predicament. I couldn't go painting a fairy tale version of my future. Life didn't work like that. Reality was always waiting for that chance to come crashing down, and when it did, it hit with the brutal force of a tsunami.
Head lifting, I squared my shoulders. “I just wish I hadn't gotten into this mess.”
But the words rang untrue. Because now that I was in the mess, I couldn’t seem to bring myself to undo it.
Liss was careful not to push, but when another day passed and my head remained firmly in the sand, she cautioned me that the longer this went on, the more difficult it would be. Couldn’t be any worse than the prospect of facing it right now, so...
Munching quietly on a slice of toast in the darkened room, my mom snoring lightly on the pull-out sofa after her late finish from the club, a cramping started low in my pelvis. My brow creased and my hand stilled, the half-eaten slice suspended in mid-air. The pain intensified slightly, spreading, and then lessened to a dull ache. Dropping my breakfast onto the plate, I wiped my hands together, sending crumbs flying. Rising to my feet, I paced the narrow walkway between the kitchenette and my bedroom, figuring the motion would ease my discomfort slightly. It did. A few minutes later, Liss honked. The noise had no effect on my mother, who's body stretched to each corner of the bed, like a starfish, her mouth open wide. She even slept like a child. Grabbing my backpack, I dragged my listless
body to Liss' car.
The only expression Liss wore these days was concerned: furrowed head, knitted brows. Today, it had intensified.
“You okay?” she asked, worry evident in her tone.
“Huh?” I blinked, the low ache starting back up. I felt myself grimace.
“What's wrong?”
“Nothing.” I offered her a tight smile. “Just ate something that didn't agree with me, I think.”
“You sure? We should see a doctor.”
My head jerked side to side as I clamped my teeth together. “I'm fine.”
“You don't look fi—”
“I am,” I cut her off harshly, then released a long breath. Softening my tone, I met her gaze. “I really am.”
Unconvinced, she kept her eyes on me a while longer, her teeth coming out to nip her lower lip. I tried to widen my smile. I probably missed the mark.
By lunch, the pain and cramping had gotten worse. I’d told Liss I had to stay behind to discuss something with the teacher, but I spent the whole forty-five minutes in the bathroom, folded over on the closed lid of the toilet. Fear gripped me. It was palpable, like a heavy cloud of black descending over and around me. I closed my hands over my ears and clamped my eyes shut, blocking it out, breathing through the pain. When the bell rang, I rose on unsteady legs, but the world tilted around me, throwing me off balance. My hands shot out to prevent my fall, and I fought through a wave of dizziness. I’d eaten two bites of toast since last night. I should eat better. I vowed to do better. Once the wooziness subsided enough, I pushed through the door and made my way to class.
Liss was in my next class. She'd know something was up as soon as she set eyes on me. But if I didn't go, she'd know something was up, anyway. Plus, she was my ride. There was no avoiding her. I pulled up short just outside the classroom, inhaling raggedly as I leaned into the wall, resting my palm against the surface. Something hurt. And it didn't feel right.
“Whoa! Is it shark week, Riley?” a loud voice goaded from behind.
“What?” I mumbled, my head craning round.
Jackson Bateman appeared in front of me, gnashing his teeth together with a hand pointed up above his head. “Shark week? You know—”
“Riley! Oh my god!” Liss' hands grasped my shoulders, spinning me to face her. The motion was too fast for my vision to catch up, and nausea built. “We need to go.”
“What?” I heard myself say again.
“Oh, fuck off, Jackson!” Liss shrieked. He stopped circling us.
“What the fuck's going on?”
My body seized, every muscle tensing at the sound of Reno’s voice. I didn't look up. Couldn’t. A wave of pain bent me in half and a low moan escaped my lips.
“Fuck!” That was Liss. “We need to take her to the nurse right fucking now!” She shouted, her voice frantic and wobbly.
Firm hands gripped me. “What's wrong with her?” Reno demanded, fear and confusion evident in his tone.
“She's fucking bleeding!”
Bleeding? Shark week! I was bleeding? Bleeding enough that people could see it. Fear crawled up my throat, icy tendrils choking me.
The baby.
“No!” I cried weakly, clutching my stomach. I knew why I couldn’t make that appointment. I didn’t want to. I’d known all along. I just hadn’t been able to admit it. I would now. I promise I would.
Please don’t undo it.
“Bleeding? What the fuck do you...?” Reno’s bewildered voice trailed off as he twisted to peer around me. When he spoke again, there was a quiet desperation about his tone that broke me. “Like period bleeding?”
I could almost see Liss’ dilemma, see her biting at her nails and clutching at straws that just kept evading her grasp.
“No, like she's losing your baby bleeding, Reno.”
My heart crashed to the floor at the same time as my body.
Forty
Reno
“Like she's losing your baby bleeding, Reno.”
Liss' words slammed into me like an axe to the head. Every thought suspended—except that one. Riley's body sagged in my loosened grip, hitting the deck before I could react. My brain felt like it fucking short circuited as I dropped to my knees and wrapped my arms under her, hauling her small body up against my chest. I took off running. A terror I hadn't known existed gripped every part of me as that one sentence echoed in my head.
Losing your baby. What the fuck?
Losing your baby...
It just kept going around and around.
Losing your baby.
Baby. What fucking baby?
With Riley's body crushed against mine, I sped like a bullet through the halls. I could hear Liss a few paces behind, struggling to keep up.
“I've called nine-one-one,” she huffed over my shoulder.
I nodded, gritting my teeth. So many fucking questions. But I couldn't find any words. I glanced down, my eyes drawn to the patch of red coloring Riley's shorts. My gut heaved.
Fuck.
Fuck!
Jaw straining, I tightened my arms around her. Words finally came. “She's pregnant?”
“Yes.”
My lids slid closed, body suddenly feeling like it weighed a thousand pounds.
Pregnant.
Riley was pregnant. Shaking my head clear of the thousand thoughts screaming for attention, I had to tamper down the urge to slam a fist into the wall. My hands were full, otherwise I’d have my arm buried through the drywall up to my bicep. I couldn't fucking make sense of it. This was my fucking fault, though, my responsibility; I’d caused this.
“How long?”
Breathing heavily as she ran behind me, she answered, “Eleven weeks, maybe more.”
I almost fucking dropped Riley. My knees threatened to buckle as the words crashed into me.
“Eleven weeks! Eleven fucking weeks, Liss?” I didn't realise I'd stopped, spinning round to face her. Anguish claimed every part of me because I knew what I’d done. I’d practically forced myself on her without protection and left her pregnant and alone. My head fucking screamed. I couldn’t keep it in. “Fuuuuuck!”
Her chin lifted, defensive. “She didn't know. Not the entire time. She just found out.”
Heart slamming against my rib cage with the force of a fucking baseball bat, I glared down at her. But it wasn’t her I was mad at. And it definitely wasn’t Riley.
“How long has she known?”
She glanced away, tipping up a shoulder. “Just over a week.”
Over a week. My breath shot out in a rush. Awareness dawned like a lead weight, forcing my eyes closed as revulsion worked its way through me. “Your party...?”
“Yeah,” she confirmed, eyes hard, tone harder.
Riley had known she was pregnant with my baby when I'd told her we had no future together. When I’d kissed Raya in front of her face to really drive home the point. Pain like nothing I’d experienced before lanced through me, followed by a magnitude of shame that damn near buried me. My head fucking throbbed.
I’d regretted it, with every goddamn fibre of my being, the instant I’d done it. If I could undo any of the shit that had happened these past few months, I’d undo that. The look on Riley’s face would fucking haunt me for the rest of my days. When she’d walked away, I’d welcomed Leon’s fist. Took it like the prick I was. I’d destroyed her. Decimated her.
And all the while, she’d been carrying my baby. Bile hit the back of my throat.
And now... she was probably losing it.
Despair. Pure fucking despair—the kind I'd swore never to experience again. My feet were moving, pounding along the long corridors as the red patch grew wider, and blood trickled down Riley's thigh.
I knew I was already too late.
It turned out you could lose something, even when you thought you had nothing to lose. It hurt just the same. And apparently... you could love something you didn't even know existed. Didn’t even know was yours. Boxing your emotions, putting a lid on them an
d shoving them down to the deepest part of you, didn’t do shit. They were still there. What I felt for Riley wasn’t something I could control or prevent. And the baby...
I rubbed my palm over my chest.
Riley miscarried. Eleven weeks. I’d given no thought to babies. Not one. Never contemplated the idea. They’d been nowhere on my radar. If someone had asked me if kids were a part of my future, the answer would have been no, especially after Brett and O.
Given the choice a few hours ago... I wouldn’t have hesitated to say yes. Maybe it was because by the time I knew, it was too late. Maybe it was guilt, and that baby would have given me the chance to make up for what I’d done. Maybe it was the fact that it would have taken the choice out of my hands… I would never have been able to let Riley go if she had my baby. And maybe… I didn’t want to let her go. I never did. I knew it now. I knew just how much I needed her in my life, but she was so far fucking gone, I’d never be able to reach her. She might as well be untouchable.
Sitting in the dark on the worn sofa in my empty trailer, I couldn't clear my head of all the things that could have been. A tiny blonde haired, green-eyed baby girl or a boy with dark hair and eyes, cradled in Riley's arms. It was fucking stupid. Christ, I couldn't keep Riley in my life without destroying her. But I grieved the loss of that baby, my flesh and blood, the way I grieved everyone else I’d lost. And just like them, I wanted it back. I wanted another fucking chance.
When my lids squeezed tight, a bead of moisture escaped. I let my head fall back. Then I let them all fucking fall.
And then, I drowned my sorrows in a bottle, falling asleep where I sat and waking with that same feeling of despondency strapped to my chest. Showering quickly, I made my way across the park, my limbs like dead weights.
Untouchable: (Unstoppable - Book 1) (The Unstoppable Series) Page 24
