I drop what is left of my donut as everything comes flooding back into my mind. I put my head on the arm of the couch trying not to cry. I remember begging him to stop, telling him no, over and over. I tried to scream but my voice seemed to be caught in my throat. In the self-defense classes I took with Beth and Kara they always told us to scream the word “no”. They never told us what to do when we couldn’t scream…I wished they had.
Todd didn’t seem to hear me or he just didn’t care when I pleaded with him to stop. I remember I could still think despite the heavy fog my mind was in. I had to fight. I was not letting that idiot hurt me. I managed to pull up my knee and shove him back. My foot caught his cheek hard. He sat back for a second, dazed. I knew it was about to get worse, when he wiped the mud off his face and just laughed.
“Give up, you stupid hag. That’s all you are, good for one thing.” He crawled back to me, his face in mine. I could smell the beer on his hot breath. “You fight me and I’ll make you wish you weren’t born!”
“No.” I screamed or I think I was screaming at that time. My mouth opened but I didn’t hear anything come out, my body wasn’t my own. I felt like I was floating. My head was spinning. I reached up and scratched his face, which didn’t faze him at all. I could taste blood on my lips, as he started pulling at my clothes. I was too weak to fight; when I heard voices it was Kara and David. David yanked Todd off me throwing him down hard. He was yelling at him that’s the last thing I heard, as Kara knelt down and took my hand.
I woke up three days later in the hospital. I had a concussion, stitches in the back of my head, and two broken ribs not to mention bruises all over. I also learned my stomach had to be pumped out. Todd had put three date rape drugs in my Coke. He nearly killed me with that overdose. I was only thirty minutes from death the doctors told me. Kara told me David and some of the other football players beat the crap out of Todd, for what he did to me before the cops got there. He also had to make a stop at the emergency room before going to the county jail thanks to David and his friends.
I was glad to hear that. I felt like hell when the doctors told me I also had mono or mononucleosis. Thanks to Todd who had passed it on to me a week before the attack. Todd had been seeing three other girls in the freshman class and they all had it too. I couldn’t think of being any worse off than I was now. I was so wrong about that.
So now, I sit here at home still mentally bruised. I have therapy twice a week for being attacked and nearly raped. I have nightmares and severe panic attacks. I’m terrified of people I don’t know and don’t like to go out of the house. I also don’t trust anybody, especially guys. I do not ever plan to date again. I can’t even think about it. I’m doomed to a life alone until I can try to get my life back, if that’s even possible. I thought I would get over it but it’s been months since the attack and I haven’t.
I knew I’d better get ready to see Doctor Mott for his monthly visit. I take a deep breath and wipe the tears from my eyes, from my flash back. I try to be nice as I follow him into my dad’s office not but ten minutes later. Dad’s office is more like a big living room with leather couches and a big screen TV, set to the stock market report 24/7. My dad is busy on the phone as he waves us in.
Doctor Mott has brought his student nurse with him. She is a short, chubby girl my age, with bad acne. I can feel her eyes staring at me. I know she’s probably trying to figure out what kind of freak I am that I have to have a check-up at home. I try to ignore her has I watch Doctor Mott get out his charts and blood pressure cuff, followed by his stethoscope.
The nurse checks my blood pressure as my dad talks to the doctor. I can tell they obviously don’t want me to hear as they turn away from me. I smile weakly at the girl. God, this sucks, I think to myself as Doctor Mott checks my temperature and listens to my heart. He seems to be studying my face and movements. I feel like a lab rat.
“How’s my girl, Mott?” My father smiles, looking at me and winking. His deep blue eyes are exactly like mine and his sandy blond hair is neatly parted to the side.
“Very good John. She can go out now and drive in a week. I won’t need to see her for a month or so now. I do recommend more rest and maybe some fresh air.”
“Thank God,” I sigh, watching them talk about me like I am not in the room. I quickly excuse myself. Acne nurse is starting to freak me out. She keeps smiling at me as if I’m mentally impaired or something. I go back up to my room and curl up on my bed, flick on my TV and try to forget how pitifully Doctor Mott and his sidekick looked at me. I’m starting to worry everyone thinks I’m a freak. I start to wonder if maybe I am. I flop back into my pile of pink ruffled pillows and try to bury myself.
I jump up though, as my cell phone buzzes on my nightstand. I check the caller ID to see who is calling me, hoping it’s not my stupid stepmother. I sigh with relief as I see it’s my best friend since first grade, Kara. She has been my lifeline to the outside world. I cannot wait to talk to her every day. I’m hoping we can get together and go see a movie or have lunch, if I can even work up the nerve to go out. I need to get out of the house soon or I might lose what is left of my mind.
“Hi Kara.” A smile is on my face waiting to hear her voice.
“Hi Corrine, how are ya?” Her voice sounds tense. I start to worry. Kara is never tense she’s very comical.
“Doctor Mott said I was okay to go out now. My temp’s gone and my blood pressure’s finally normal.” The silence was freaking me out by now it was weird. I wondered what was going on with her.
“Todd got out of jail this morning,” she said softly. I gasped in shock. I felt my stomach flip. I could not speak; it’s too hard to believe. “His dad got some scumbag lawyer to get him out and on house arrest.” I cover my mouth, dropping the phone as I run to the bathroom to throw up. Todd was out and I knew that no stupid plastic bracelet was going to keep him from coming for me. I felt so sick as I clung to the toilet seat. I could hear Kara yelling for me from my phone next to my leg.
“I’m okay just sick.” I whisper in the phone as I pick it up with shaking hands.
“I thought your dad was pressing charges against him?” I take a deep breath trying not to get sick again.
“Yes he is but, I haven’t been keeping up with it. I know my lawyer is trying to get Todd prison time but I try to forget it all if I can.”
“I don’t blame you. I would too.” She agrees with me.
“I gotta go Kara. I need a minute to settle down.” I fight back the tears creeping down my cheeks and the urge to vomit again.
“Okay, well call me later or I will call you.” I snap the phone closed, as a knock on my door makes me jump. I close my eyes trying to get a grip on myself.
“Can I come in, sweetie?” I take another deep breath hearing my father’s voice. “Okay Dad, its fine.” He walks in slowly. I know what he is going to tell me already.
“I… take it you’ve heard?” He sees the tears on my cheeks. I nod hugging my pillow. “I got a call from Blake (our family lawyer) and he told me Todd William’s lawyer, got the judge to give him house arrest on a temporary basis. They are having trouble charging him for the use of date rape drugs. They have to get your paper work from the hospital lab still.” He sits down on my bed and takes my hand. “I don’t know how that piece of crap lawyer his father has, got it all done.” I can’t speak. I just squeeze my pillow, my head spinning. “I will make sure he gets locked back up, honey.” He leans over and kisses my forehead. “You’re safe okay, he won’t get near you bug.” I smiled as he uses my childhood nickname. I spent one summer hunting ladybugs when I was five. He had called me his bug ever since.
“Blake filed a restraining order on Todd and put in for a hearing to stop the house arrest as soon as possible.” I knew he was trying to ease my fears but I knew Todd was pissed at me. I had heard he was telling his friends I was going to pay for screwing up his life.
“Dad, he… wants to kill me.” I said softly.
“I…
I know he does.” He quickly replied holding my hand tighter. I look up at him as he takes a deep breath. “I would never allow him to harm you bug. I promise.” He hugs me. I bury my head in his shoulder; he smells of cigars and cologne. “I have hired extra security on the estate and two guards at the front gates. That animal will never get near you again.” I sigh, trying to accept his assurance of my safety but it’s not working.
“Ok Dad. I won’t worry.” I force a fake smile as he heads for the door.
“I have a meeting in town, but Gram is here, and the security guards.” He smiles warmly at me. “You get some rest now.”
“Ok.” I whisper as he leaves the room. Fear grips me as he closes the door another panic attack creeps up on me.
I collapse on my bed, my cell phone buzzing. I’m too sick to answer it. I didn’t have the strength to talk to anyone. I scavenge my nightstand for my anti-anxiety pills. I hate to take them but it’s that or freak out more. I know my parents will probably have me committed if I lose it again. I felt like I was losing myself anyway. I was slowly but surely slipping away, turning into someone I didn’t know and someone I didn’t like. I couldn’t talk to my friends about this. They just never seemed to understand. All they did was beg me to go to the mall or to some sorority gathering, which was so not going to happen now or maybe ever.
I decided to take a hot bath and shave my legs which nearly resembled a forest (yuck). I didn’t see the reason since I never went out but I figured I should now. I thought that maybe this simple act might make me feel just a little bit more normal. The steam filled the bathroom; my head felt fuzzy from my medication. I stare at the shaving razor, my mind spinning again. I slide into the almost too hot tub. My eyes are still on the shaving razor, waiting on the tub rim. I grab it, smashing the plastic case, the blade slips into the hot water. I feel around the bottom of the tub, it’s by the drain. I hold up my soapy wrist and stare at it thoughtfully.
It’s as pale as the rest of me is. The blue veins connect like a detailed road map; my pulse is thrumming away in my head. I close my eyes wishing I could just disappear. It would be all too easy to just go, to just end this nightmare of a life I cannot escape. I wanted to leave the flash backs, nightmares and voices in my head all behind forever. I try to sleep and I only have more nightmares of Todd. I seem to relive the night he attacked me endlessly. I can only escape him when I double dose my sleeping pills and very often, that doesn’t even work.
I trace a faint line on my wrist with the edge of the razor blade not even thinking about what might happen next, the very real and dire consequences. My only thought is escaping the thoughts in my mind. I suddenly re think what I’m doing, but my wrist is already bleeding. I get dizzy, quickly grabbing a washcloth to cover it. I cannot do this. I sigh the cut is not deep enough to kill me, but it’s there. A reminder of the dark thoughts that seep into my mind after every flash back I have.
I promise myself if I can’t get control of this, I will end it all. I will not live another month as if I am now, every breath filled with fear. I promise myself this silently. I will not live with the fear, the nightmares, and the sadness. I knew where that razor was, and I knew how to stop all of the pain I had to endure every day. I just hated what it would to do to my father and Gram…I knew it would hurt them and I didn’t want that.
I wrap my wrist with a Band-Aid, slip on my nightgown, and go back to bed. I was suicidal and nobody knew it but me. I lied to everyone in my life. I told them I was feeling better, feeling normal even. I guess I was tied of their gentle way of asking if I was “ok” or “doing better” all the time. I was tired of the way they looked at me, as if I might break if they asked me the wrong questions. I heard their hushed voices, as they analyzed me behind my back. I know they are all watching and wondering if I’m really ok…so I just tell them I am.
Life doesn’t get much better than this I sigh thinking sarcastically to myself. I stare at the pill bottles again, a voice pops into my head telling me to take four or five. God I was a head case. I wonder if I shouldn’t call my therapist, tell my dad, or call Kara. I should have done all three, but I knew deep down why I didn’t. I didn’t want anyone to stop me when I made my final decision about living or dying. I knew when I came to the end of my rope, when I couldn’t take one more minute. I was going to kill myself and I didn’t want anyone to stop me.
I sleep finally, the pills lulling me into a few hours of drug-induced peace, until the nightmares seep back into my mind. I suddenly see Todd’s face. I can even feel his hot breath on my neck again. It’s all too real. I begin to cry in fear. I can’t breathe. I feel like my heart is going to explode. I roll and twist in my bed sheets, fighting him.
I wake up covered in sweat, screaming out for help. I feel Gram’s warm comforting arms around me. Her room is next to mine so she always rushes to me when I have bad nights. I bury my head into her shoulder, her comforting smell of lavender and rose perfume soothes me. I begin to catch my breath, realizing it was all just another nightmare.
Chapter 2
Gram
Gram holds my face in her small wrinkled hands, looking into my eyes. “Corrine, its okay child. I’m here I’ve got you.” She pushes the hair out of my eyes and kisses my forehead softly. “Was it the nightmare again, my sweetheart?” I nod and go back to hugging her; she rubs my back and sighs. “Shhhh all will be well. I have seen it and you will be fine.”
Gram is very special. She is eighty-six years old and a fifth- generation Cherokee medicine woman, of course she’s not in a tribe. She has Indian in her from my mother’s side of the family but she doesn’t look like it at all. The people in our town who know her gifts come to her for help faithfully. Gram’s father was Irish so she really doesn’t look Indian, more like me really but a lot older and with darker skin.
I grew up with her always watching me very closely. She has what the Indians call the gift of visions or sight. That is a person who can glimpse the futures of others. Sara use to call it witchcraft, but she was just upset when she met Gram years ago. I think she thought that Gram might see she was a real gold digger and tell everybody. I knew Gram had grown up on a real Indian reservation out west. Her ancestors had taught her how to use her gifts of healing and visions to help others.
I had seen the many herbs and potions in her room and she often went to people’s homes to help them with minor health problems. She was very trusted. I trusted her but I was having a hard time thinking Gram’s vision of me being “just fine” were really true. I knew she was very rarely wrong. I knew I shouldn’t doubt her but I was and I couldn’t help it. I didn’t think I was ever going to be fine again.
“What do you see?” I whispered still clinging to her.
“It is not so very clear yet.” She pauses trying to gather her thoughts. “He’s very handsome, goodness he is. I can see him better now.” She smiles.
“Him? It’s a guy you see!” I gasped in shock. “A guy, oh no way!” I pull away, my hair sticking up all over. “If it’s a guy, count me out. I don’t want anything to do with any guys, Gram, not ever. No way.” Gram takes my face into her hands gently. They are ice cold now.
“He will be your protector, child. He will be in your life very soon and no one will ever harm you again as long as he is alive. He will love you to the very depths of your soul.” She was not kidding, her eyes locked on mine. I knew she meant every word she said.
“No Gram, you know that kind of stuff love and all that.” I wipe my eyes. “That’s all over for me. I cannot think of dating anyone.” I take a deep shuddering breath. “I just can’t, it’s too hard.” Gram only smiles. She is not done with her vision yet. I can tell as she closes her eyes.
I watch her, waiting to hear what she is seeing and hoping it has nothing to do with any more guys. “Gram, what is it?” I pull my comforter around me as I catch a chill. I almost don’t want to hear what she’s going to say. The mere thought of dating anyone freaked me out.
“He’s dif
ferent. Very different, but kind and pure in heart.” Her brow wrinkles. “But I can’t see what makes him so different just yet. I see he’s extremely strong.” She smiles now opening her eyes. “I see that once you meet he will never leave your side.” She laughs quietly. “Well, he will not be able to leave your side is more like it. He will love you so much he cannot be without you.” Her face is as shocked as mine. I sit silently waiting for her to speak. “I hadn’t expected to see this.” She looks at me shaking her head. “Very unusual. You also won’t want him to leave you… it’s as if you two will be soul mates.”
I shake my head in shock. I can’t help but think she’s losing her mind. Her whole vision is impossible; no guy like that even exists. I began to think she had been reading way too many romance novels and they were carrying over into her visions. I didn’t have the heart to say that to her. I knew she was only trying to help me.
“I don’t want anyone Gran, not anyone. The only man I will allow in my life is Dad. Guy’s are all the same as far as I can tell anyway. Todd fooled me…he said I was the first girl her really loved.” I shake my head in disgust. “If that’s how love works you can sure as heck count me out! I am sorry but you must be wrong about this vision. I will send him… away whoever he is. I will not mess with anything to do with dating ever again Gram.” I flop back on my bed.
Ever After Page 2
