Ever After

by Heather McBride

  “Corrine.” He had moved closer. I couldn’t look up.

  “I…I have to go.” I muttered, my vision blurring as tears welled up in my eyes. I turned to head for the parking lot. I had to call Gran or dad for a ride or maybe Beth since Will had driven us to the hill. I took a deep breath. If I could just make it home and get out of here maybe, I would be ok..maybe. I had to get out of here and fast.

  “No.” He gasped reaching out and catching my coat sleeve, pulling me back to him. “Please don’t go, let me explain!”

  “Explain what Will? I think I get the idea, okay. I am crazy.” I choked out. “Not stupid, I see how you are acting now.” I watched a look of sadness slide over his face as he shook his head. “I can tell you don’t want me around.”

  “It’s not like that, please just wait and let me tell you what’s wrong with me.” He was begging. I sniffed wiping my eyes with my gloved hand. Little bits of ice stuck to it and it hurt my cheek. I stepped back in frustration. Will looked around assessing our privacy level. I still wanted to run.

  “I have to go.”

  “Please, can we talk by the shelter house?” He looked nervously around; many people were still sledding despite the increase of heavy snow falling. I could only nod as he took my hand and led me to the empty shelter house. I really didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say, but he seemed desperate to tell me. Will pushed the snow off one of the many picnic tables filling the area. I sat down thankful to be doing so, my knees felt like rubber.

  “Corrine, you have to know there could be problems with us being together.” He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. “So many problems… it’s hard to know where to start.” He ran his hand through his hair.

  “Oh so it’s not me, it’s you then is it?” I shook my head. “That’s a good one, Will!” I snapped. “Thanks for keeping it original.”

  “I have problems.” He looked down at me as he sat down slowly, the words paining him. “I’m not really… normal, Corinne.” He took a deep breath. “I have so many problems, but I cannot tell you straight out.”

  “Oh come on Will who is normal?” I froze suddenly thinking of something. “You are gay? Is that it? Oh not you…I mean, that’s fine. I have no problem with people that are, it’s their choice, but why did you lead me on like this? Is that it? Oh hell.” I gasped trying to figure out why he would keep this from me for so long.

  “No…no I’m trying to tell you I’m not like anyone you know, and I am straight by the way. I always have been; it’s not anything like that.” He stared into my eyes. “I am not like you Corrine. I’m not like anyone you have ever known.” I looked at him confused. He could not be retarded or slow. He was the smartest person I knew; this was so confusing. I thought of my (William) list at home in my old tattered notebook, the odd side began screaming out to me. I could see every word I had written in my mind.

  “I just cannot be with you; really it is not safe at all.” He paused, his voice low and deadly serious. I got chills, and not from the cold wind ripping through the open aired shelter house. “This.” He waved his hand around to further his point. “This could all end very badly for us all.” He looked down at his own boots now. “I’m not as good as you think I am; you cannot imagine who I truly am and the things I have done.” The look in his eyes made my breath catch in my throat. He was hurting and I had no idea why. I exhaled loudly. He was like a puzzle with missing pieces and I hated puzzles. “I don’t know what to do.” He closed his eyes again, as he tried to gather his thoughts; I reached over and took his hand.

  “I don’t understand Will, what are you trying to say?” I was starting to really feel uneasy. I knew some unsaid, possibly evil thing was looming around us. A tension was in the air that I could physically feel.

  I sat there looking at the man I loved. I had trusted him. He had healed my broken heart and mended my once shattered existence. I was sitting here listening to him try to dump me, to crap all over the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me in my life. I had bared my soul to him. He knew my deepest fears and secrets, and he was the only person who knew how close I had come to committing suicide.

  I had let him into my soul, and now he was throwing me away, like trash and acting weird about it. William’s love, his touch, his unwavering loyalty had healed me, allowed me to love again. My cheeks burned now with anger. I yanked my hand out of his. He jerked his head up at the sudden movement. He leaned back as he saw me narrow my eyes and stare at him.

  “William Nathaniel Mathias Darcy, did you just now realize after all we have been through, after I let you into my heart, that you don’t want to be with me?” I took a deep breath trying to hold back the massive pile of tears trying to fall. “I let you into my soul, and now I am not right for you? I was good for you this morning, good for you last week, but tonight I am nothing to you?” I was in full on rage now, my words echoing in my head further fueling the fire and the feeling of abandonment in me. I was in his face now. He didn’t move a muscle, his eyes wide with shock at my anger. I slammed my fist on the frozen picnic table; it hurt but I ignored the pain. “You kiss me, tell me you cannot live without me, and now it’s all this I’m different. I am dangerous crap!” I pulled my wet icy gloves off and threw them at him. He flinched back as they dropped into his lap.

  “Corrine please.” He tried to edge in, but I refused to let him.

  “It’s bull Will, you can’t even tell me the truth. You have to make up all this weird crap, like you can’t be around me because you’re dangerous!” I shook my head in disgust. “Get real; why don’t you be a man and tell me the damn truth for once. You need to stop trying to be some mysterious, scary thing, because here’s a news flash. It’s not working, honey!” I started backing away so I could head to the parking lot. “I thought you were different Will. I climbed out of that deep hole of depression I was drowning in because of you and for you!”

  I shook my head sadly, my energy level dropping. I felt like collapsing right there, but fought it. I would not show weakness in front of him now. I had to sit down, before I fell down. I needed a few minutes to pull myself together before I called Beth for a ride home. I flopped down at the end of the same bench in a deep pile of snow. I could care less about my frozen behind now. I could feel myself falling apart, his silence confirming that I was correct. He was indeed dumping me at the moment. My heart ached. My head throbbed. I felt like I was sinking into a pit of agony…alone. The dam broke and tears slid uncontrollable down my face. I turned my face away from him so he would not see.

  I suddenly felt his hands, one on each arm; he dropped to his knees, into the deep snow right in front of me.

  “No Corrine.” He gasped. “I love you, God how I love you.” He was blinking hard and a few tears escaped down his cheeks. “My love for you is stronger than ever, more so as every second we are together passes even. I do not know how to live without you. I fear I cannot, you are a part of me, a vital sustaining part. I would fall apart without your love.” I watched him; his eyes never leaving mine, these words were the absolute truth. “You are what I have spent my entire existence searching for. It’s been an eternity searching for, you are my love.” He sighed and he ran his hands down my arms, pulling me closer to him. “I have always, even without knowing it, been looking for you!” He took a shuddering deep breath. “It has been killing me not telling you who I am after all the critical things you have shared with me. I have betrayed you in that and I am desperately sorry for doing so. I would spend an eternity making it up to you if you would just let me try. I have failed you so badly. I should have told you about me in the beginning. I knew I was wrong then. I was just so amazed that you loved me and that I loved you the same. I didn’t want it to end because of what I was. I wanted to pretend I was a normal guy for once and we could be together and be happy and normal, like regular people.”

  I was starting to panic now his words were touching me and totally freaking me out all at the sam
e time. I could not comprehend what he meant by “normal people,” what in the heck was going on!

  I took his face in my hands. He blinked fast; he was terrified. I took a deep breath.

  “William, you must tell me who you are, or what is going on.” I used my soft, calm voice, trying to ease him. I could see he was absolutely on edge here, and I had to help him open up to me somehow.

  “You mean what I am Corrine.” He looked down, unable to look at me; I didn’t try to make him look into my eyes.

  “No Will, you mean who you are. You can’t be a what, okay, that’s not the way you say it.”

  “No… Corrine, you are wrong, that’s the whole problem, and I am a what or a thing…I don’t know how you say it.” He seemed frustrated with himself as he looked at me. “I can never exist without you, it would destroy me, but what I am could very well destroy you.” He looked up at me now, his stunning blue eyes locked on mine. “Think, Corrine. Think of all the things you have noticed about me, that just aren’t right. I know you have noticed them. I have not been able to hide many things from you since we are together so much; do not lie to yourself either.” I did as he said; my “William list” was again in my thoughts. I sat there silent, not really wanting to do this, and maybe I didn’t really even want to know the truth anyway.

  I felt my heart speed up; Will seemed to sense it immediately. He looked at my pulse on my neck without hesitating. Of course, another odd thing I had forgot he did a lot. My neck seemed to be of great interest to him.

  “William, you tell me!” I said softly. I still had his face in my hands, his cheeks flushed as my own from the cold and intense emotions going on. “I beg you. If you have ever loved me, if you really still love me right now, tell me the truth please.” I studied him, his eyes never left mine, but his face relaxed slightly. He looked at me as if I was supposed to be saving his life, like if I turned away from him he would disappear or crumple to the ground.

  “Corrine.” He sighed, and shook his head his face was tense. “I am a vampire, that is the ‘what’ that I am. It is the thing that makes me different from you and it could destroy us both.” I froze

  in shock. Yes, the thought did cross my mind, but vampires were not real, were they? Was one actually kneeling at my feet right now? I could feel my heart racing. One side of me said run like hell, the other side wanted to take him into my arms and tell him it was going to be all right. He was waiting for my reaction now.

  “You are afraid of me. I feel you shaking now.”

  “No it’s not that I’m okay. I just have to process all this.” I was trying to convince him and myself it was really okay, but it was very difficult. I mean it’s not every day your boyfriend tells you he is a vampire. I mean come on! I replayed in my mind the teasing words Beth, Kara, and I said when we had talked about Twilight and vampires. Never in one million years did I ever think anything like a vampire really existed, it was just insane.

  I couldn’t lie to Will or myself. I was really scared now; all this was just too much. I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I forced a smile. I could see he was scared. I could see he was waiting for me to run away, but I was too scared to move and afraid to even take a deep breath. I swallowed hard as I stroked his cheek, trying to slow my breathing. I could feel my heart racing in my chest as he looked away from me.

  “Are you okay?” His voice was shaking as he placed his hand over mine still on his cheek.

  “I’m okay.” I fumbled for words. I knew I needed space and time to think about this all, but I couldn’t bear to hurt him by running away. “Do you want me to take you home?” He looked at me tenderly. “Do you want me to leave?”

  “William, I just….” I choked up again. “I’m worried. Are you okay? I mean maybe this whole vampire thing is in your head.” I patted his cheek nervously. “I’ve heard of syndromes where people believe they are things they couldn’t possibly be, it could be all in your head. I’m sure we could find you a counselor to talk to about all this stuff, or maybe even my own therapist at the teen center. She is really great….” He put his finger across my lips gently silencing me mid-sentence.

  “Corrine, stop this please.” He dropped his hands sitting back on his heels, still kneeling in front of me in the icy snow. He still held one of my hands tightly. “I was born in 1894, okay… and I’m pretty sure it would be impossible for me to be here sitting at your feet if I was still 100% human.” I gasped at his announcement. I was in total shock now worse shock than before. I started shaking, and I put my hands in my pocket to hide the trembling.

  “You… you were born in 1894? Oh my God William!” I took a shuddering deep breath. “But…what…I mean my God Will. How…I did this happen? I just do not understand it all. You are freaking my out!”

  “I died in 1912. I mean my human life ended that year. I was barely eighteen years old at the time.”

  I didn’t realize I had backed away. A flash of hurt flooded his eyes as I realized what I had done suddenly. My movements to him meant rejection. A cold gust of wind hit me hard, as I stared at the pain filled look on his face.

  “I don’t mean to back away Will. It’s just so hard to get a handle on this. It’s blowing my mind.” I tried desperately to relax. I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me, or at least I hoped he wouldn’t.

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I guess I just…” He sighed, shaking his head. “I wanted to forget the truth, to pretend I was normal, that we had a regular relationship. I spend the majority of my time trying to hide what I am, trying to be normal. It’s a constant battle. I am a danger to you, a real and true danger. I couldn’t let us get any closer until you knew the whole story. I could never hurt you that way; you can go now if you want. I can see it in your eyes. I terrify you.” He looked down at the snow, defeated. “I won’t try to stop you, in fact, you’d probably be better off to go now, before we get any more attached to each other.” I was heartbroken by the tears in his eyes; he was allowing me to go even though it was killing him to do so.

  “No, Will. I’m not leaving you. I can deal with this…somehow.”

  “Don’t you see Corrine? It’s too dangerous. When we kiss, we touch. I smell your skin and the blood in your veins, it calls me in. It’s not good.” He looks into my eyes now. “I could lose my self- control. I could do something very bad, and not be able to stop.” I knew what he meant. I had seen movies that were crude and horrific about how vampires needed blood to survive. I was a human happy meal sitting here in front of him right now.

  “I have spent many years abstaining from taking human lives, but you being so close to me so often is pushing me to the brink, to my breaking point. I’m barely hanging on. I can’t lose you because of what I am. I have some days that are so very difficult for me to keep from…” He looked away in shame. He didn’t need to finish that sentence. I knew what he was saying, and it was not good at all. I felt a deep rip of fear grip my chest. I loved him but I was also terrified by him, a more complicated disaster I could never have imagined.

  We sat in silence, both exhausted. The emotions running so high we had no words to speak for a time. Will slowly got up. He was shaking. I thought vampires were always cold. I thought to myself. He seemed to be bothered by the frigid wind. I wanted to ask a million questions but I thought I’d better not. He sat down next to me but was not touching me. I could tell he was afraid to touch me. He put his face in his hands, leaning over, resting his elbows on his knees in sheer exhaustion.

  I couldn’t tell you how long we sat there, both freezing, both of us seemingly in shock. William was waiting for me to confirm his worst fear that I was leaving him forever. I was waiting on myself to unlock my brain and try to even think if I could handle this, to accept it all. To accept him, for what he was, or thought he was. I still had doubts, and now I actually hoped he did have a mental delusion of vampirism; it would be much easier to deal with.

  “I can drive you home if you want, it’s getting late.” His voice wave
red as he spoke. He didn’t look up at me as he always did.

  “I guess it is.” That was all I was able to force out of my mouth, and I’d said it in a barely audible whisper. I knew as I stood there at this very point in time, my next decision would affect both our lives forever. I knew my action in the next few minutes would alter all things for me. I never really had a concrete plan set in stone for my future; merely surviving week by week until William came along was the main objective. The plan since he came was to have him in my life and to never let him go.

  I now was at a point I would never have imagined. To stay with him would mean to love him and love him completely for all he was, for all he ever had done, and for who he was to become. I couldn’t begin to comprehend how this relationship would work out. I did know vampires didn’t age, and I was getting older just as we sat here. I looked over at him. A tear slid down his cheek, and I could literally feel my heart clench. I was feeling his pain and his fear of my rejection. I knew what that felt like, as I had thought he was rejecting me not but an hour ago.

  I knew at that exact second, nothing mattered. I would die for this man, and there was nothing I would not do for him. I knew my love was strong enough to overcome this extreme difference between us. I could deal with the vampire thing, although I really didn’t know the details yet. I just knew I couldn’t handle one day without him in my life. I simply would not allow it to happen.