desolate (Grace Trilogy, Book One)

by Autumn Grey

  “Me too,” she whispers breathlessly, cupping my face and kissing me again. Our breaths become ragged, and I’m two seconds from pinning her to the wall and having my way with her. The more time we spend together, the more I need her.

  “Come on, let’s get out of here,” I say, tugging the hood of my jacket over my head, then wrapping my arm around her shoulders. We step out of the shadows and hurry toward the parking lot, our heads bowed to keep the wind from our faces.

  “Where are we going?”

  I steer her toward her car, my gaze darting around us to make sure we weren’t being watched. “I know this little place outside town that serves pancakes at all hours of the night.”

  Once we are settled inside her car, she backs out of the parking lot and follows my directions to the twenty-four-hour diner. We spend the next few hours in a booth at the corner, talking and kissing, eating pancakes and drinking coffee.

  It’s almost dawn when we finally leave the diner and head out to the parking lot where the car is parked, drunk on lust and need. As soon as I’m seated in the passenger seat, she crawls in after me and settles on my lap, then shuts the door. Then she’s kissing me, and I’m kissing her back, thoughts of where we are or the fact that someone might find us flying out the window. Right now, it’s just her and me and the hunger burning a hole through my chest. She pulls back and glances out into the still-dark, deserted parking lot before staring at me with dark eyes full of heat and mischief. Her fingers quickly unbuckle my belt and undo the buttons of my pants, causing me to suck air. Before I can say anything, she wiggles on my lap while lifting her dress and pulling down the stockings and panties. She lowers herself on my dick, and this time, I can’t breathe.

  “Oh my God!” I murmur, my eyes falling shut as heat rushes through me. “Shit.”

  “I just couldn’t resist,” she says, kissing my chin. “This is going to be quick.”

  I nod, gripping her hips and guiding her up and down. I’m distracted, excited, and terrified, my eyes darting out the window every few seconds. A deep moan pulls me back to the girl on top of me, and the world around us disappears as I watch her. Her groans are soft, and the way she’s working my dick, I know I’m about to come. My hands grip her harder as she whispers that she’s coming. She does, her body shaking, and her forehead pressed to mine. I follow her, flexing my hips and pushing myself deeper into her.

  When we come down from the high, Grace lifts herself off me and rearranges her clothing, then crawls over the console and sits on the driver’s seat. Still dazed and thrilled from what we just did, I tuck myself in and zip up my pants.

  “Are you okay?” she asks, concern in her voice.

  My fingers move to cup the back of her neck and pull her to me for a quick kiss that tells her how okay I am.

  By the time we pull out of the parking lot, daylight is already filtering through the winter sky in the east.

  Winter break is over, and I’m back at the seminary. During the break, we met whenever we could. Every time we parted, she walked away with my heart in her hands. I’m hopelessly addicted to being around her and talking to her.

  It’s getting much harder to give up Grace, yet the thought of abandoning my calling to be a priest is unfathomable.

  Today, we’re meeting at a small inn on the outskirts of Boston. Last night, I lay awake in bed, tossing and turning, thinking about where I wanted my life to go. We can’t go on like this. I either have to drop from the seminary and be with her, or let her go.

  Luke once told me sacrifice is the beginning of knowing what we are capable of. How strong we are. When we let go, we realize our own potential for growth.

  I just hope by the time I arrive at the inn, I’ll have made a decision.

  When I walk inside the room, I find her sitting on the edge of the bed with her head bowed. The pounding in my ears grows louder and the fog in my head clears. Snapshots of the moments we shared flash in my mind like a movie. What started out as curiosity turned into friendship and more. Something I’m ready to explore.

  She looks up, and the look of pure misery on her face sends me stumbling back a few steps. My stomach twists painfully and my thoughts scatter as panic freezes my muscles.

  Something is wrong.

  And before we can hug each other like we usually do, she stands up and walks around the bed to halts on the other side as though she can’t bear being close to me.

  She clears her throat and meets my gaze with tears swimming in hers. “I thought I could do this. But I—I can’t, Sol. I’m not strong enough. I need more. I want all of you . . .”

  I step forward, wanting to go to her but freeze when she lifts a firm hand to stop me. I shove my balled-up fists inside my pants pockets to stop myself from reaching out to her. Words form a lump in my throat, fighting to break free. To beg her to reconsider, because it’s finally clear to me.

  “Grac—”

  She shakes her head furiously, eyes flashing with determination.

  “I willingly gave you the power to unravel me because I loved the way it felt when you put me back together. I’m addicted to that feeling, and it’s destroying me. Destroying us. I want more. I want to love you in the light instead of hiding what we feel for each other in the dark. I want to be able to walk with you side by side on the street without the fear of being discovered. I want so much, Sol. So much.”

  She pauses and wipes away the tears rolling down her cheeks.

  “I’m taking that power back. I need to be able to move on and let you do the same. Our love, what we have shared the past few months, is beautiful and magical. I don’t want to taint that. I want to look back one day and say that I was loved, and I gave it right back.”

  My heart beats faster, and the pulse in my ears drowns my thoughts as I search for the right words. My mouth opens, and nothing comes out, no matter how hard I try.

  “I love you,” she murmurs. “But I had time to think. I don’t know where my life is going. Being with you makes me feel like I’m on top of the world, but how long can this go on? I know you love me and you love God, but you can’t have both. And I can’t –I can’t . . .”

  She buries her face in her hands, and my heart literally breaks. I cover the distance between us and pull her in my arms, hugging her tight. I press my lips on her hair as hot tears fall down my cheeks.

  “I’m so sorry for putting you in this position, Gracie. Listen—”

  “Stop, okay?” She smacks my chest lightly with her fists. I feel each hit embed itself in my heart. “Just don’t say anything. Please.”

  My hands curl around her shoulders, ready to make her listen to me, but her quiet sobs stop me. So I just hold her.

  We stay like this, our hearts shattering into pieces around us. I look back on the past few months, seeing how selfish I’ve been.

  Without talking, she pushes away from me and grabs her purse and coat. She turns to walk to the door and opens it. Once she disappears out the door, desperation washes over me, and I jog after her. She’s standing at the front desk, checking out of our room.

  Once she is done, she slips on her coat and looks over her shoulder at me before heading for the main door. We can’t part like this.

  I trail after her just as she stops in front of her car.

  “Grace!” I yell, my long strides covering the space between us. She turns around, and our bodies collide. My mouth crashes against hers, and we’re kissing desperately, her hands tugging my hair and mine cupping her face, holding her in place. I’m memorizing this moment.

  The kiss is over as soon as it started, and I’m stumbling back while she’s opening the car door and getting inside the car. We stare at each other.

  I’m about to open my mouth to tell her how much I love her, how much I understand her decision and I’m ready to give us a chance, how sorry I am, but she looks away and starts the car. Then she throws her shoulders back and pats her hair with both hands as if she’s adjusting a crown atop her head.

 
Without another glance in my direction, she grips the wheel and drives off, leaving me standing at a crossroad. The weight of my sins presses down, down, down on my shoulders, and I feel like I’m suffocating.

  My heart is at war. There are choices to be made, and I can’t make them standing here. So I pull my cap from my back pocket and put it on, then head to my car.

  I drive in the opposite direction. There’s a gaping hole in my chest, and my hands are shaking on the wheel.

  There are angels and demons at war inside my head, and I’m not sure which side is winning.

  I wanted God. And I wanted Grace. I’d lost Grace, and I wasn’t even sure if I had God.

  Autumn Grey writes sexy contemporary romances full of drama, steamy kisses and happy ever afters. She loves reading stories with flawed and quirky characters, broody alphas and sassy heroines.

  To keep updated with Autumn’s work, follow her on:

  Facebook

  Goodreads

  Instagram

  Website

  Bookbub

  Sign up for the newsletter

  Havoc Series Box Set

  Fall Back Skyward

  Breaking Gravity

  Disgraceful (Grace #2) Coming soon

  This is always the hardest part for me to write. Hard because there are so many people who’ve supported me throughout the entire process while writing this story, and I’ll unintentionally leave someone out.

  This book wouldn’t be what it is today without the help of the following people:

  Sarah of Okay Creations—You blow my mind every single time. This cover is everything I dreamed of and more.

  Stacey of Champagne Book Design: Your talent for making the interior of this book blows my mind. Thank you for being so patient with me.

  My editing team: Marjorie Dumas-Gélinas (I can’t thank you enough for helping me find the perfect image for the cover), Tricia of Emerald Eyes Editing, Emily of Emily Lawrence Editing, Jenny of Editing4Indies. Annette Brignac, Kaitie Reister, Astrid Heinisch, Zilpha Owens for proofreading the final version of this book.

  Sarah Grim Sentz, Michelle Clay, Marley Valentine, Serena McDonald, Celesha Carillo, Maiwenn B, Jodi Prellwitz Duggan, Selma and Sejla Ibrahimpasic, Malene Dich, Becca Zsurkán, Yahaira Martinez, Elizarey—Your constructive and honest feedback made this story even better than it initially was. I can’t thank you enough for taking time to read it. Sarah, Celesha, Becca, Malene, Elizarey—my teaser-making queens. Thank you for all the beautiful graphics you made for this book.

  The Minxes on Facebook, my favorite people on the World Wide Web. You ladies embrace my quirks and keep coming back despite my dorky ways. I love you! And Ninja Readers: Thank you for your unfailing support and friendships. So much love for you.

  Special shout out to Malene, Becca, MJ Fryer, Sarah. A chance meeting on social media turned to friendship. Michelle Clay (No amount of words can describe how thankful I am for everything you’ve done for me, my rock), Marley Valentine, Maiwenn for the daily chats. For keeping me sane. Like Seriously. I had quite a turbulent year, but you ladies didn’t falter in your encouragement. Celesha —My friend and my sister-ish. We live miles and miles apart, but when we chat it feels like we’re so close. I can’t wait to meet you next year in London. JeannineAllison—I’m addicted to our voice mail and GIF-ish chats. Selma and Sejla—my favorite twins—for the coffee and chats. You two have such generous hearts. You offer support before I ask which makes me adore you even more. I want to be you when I grow up. Your friendship and support means everything. Elizarey ( I’m quite convinced you’re my sister, even though we’ve never met), Michelle and Annette for all your help in the Minxes and Ninja Readers groups, and for always touching base with me. And Dylan Allen for your constant friendship and reaching out to ask if I needed help days before the release of this book, even though you had a lot on your plate. Ann (forbiddenbooklover7 on Instagram), what can I say other than thank you for putting up with me LOL. You’re amazing. Alexandra Seemann—Friends forever! You’ll never know how much I appreciate and love you.

  Give Me Books Team—It was amazing to work with you. Thank you for working hard to make this release a success.

  To Bloggers and readers—thank you for tirelessly shouting out about our books and for taking time to read.

  Join my reader group on Facebook for updates and fun:

  Reader group