A Nation Worth Ranting About

by Rick Mercer

  DELIVER US FROM THIS GARBAGE

  November 24, 2009

  It goes without saying that members of Parliament have certain privileges that the rest of us do not. And that’s as it should be. After all, these are honourable citizens who answered a higher calling to represent the needs and wants of their constituents, and they would rather die than waste our money or disrespect the office. Or is it the other way around? I get confused.

  Anyway, they’ve got special privileges. One of which is, they can send mail-outs and fliers all over this country and we get to pick up the tab. Which is great, because one of the things that all Canadians can agree on is that we love junk mail. The only thing we like better than junk mail is really offensive junk mail that we paid for.

  If the Tories send you a flier saying the Liberals are all anti-Jewish, you paid for that. If the Liberals send you a flier saying the Tories sent body bags to northern Indian reservations to deal with the swine flu, you paid for that. If Olivia Chow sends you a flier saying—well, God knows what it said, because, let’s face it, you threw it in the blue bin the minute it arrived, you paid for that. How this helps the democratic process, I have no idea. I ask you, how many more trees have to die so Stephen Harper can warn us once again that Michael Ignatieff taught at Harvard? Yes, we know, he taught at an American university. Clearly, he’s a very bad man.

  But never mind the trees. Last year, MPs from all political parties spent over $10 million on these mail-outs. Ten million dollars a year. Hey everyone, I’ve got an idea. Let’s save ourselves $10 million. No one in Ottawa has mentioned this, or even seems to care, but as of last week, Canada’s debt is half a trillion dollars. The least they can do is stop adding to it by sending us garbage. In words and paper.

  HOW TO USE AN ESCALATOR

  December 1, 2009

  Every now and then, an issue comes along that transcends politics, that transcends all socio-economic realities. And sometimes the truth needs to be said, no matter how painful that truth may be to some people. This is one of those times, and this is it.

  Just because you are on an escalator, that does not mean you have to stop walking.

  Up or down, it is an escalator; it is not a ride at Canada’s Wonderland. It was designed to keep people moving faster. Which is why it’s called an escalator not a slowthingsdown-alator. And if you must stop on an escalator—because you’ve got bad knees or you’re just a much calmer person then me—you have to stay to the right. The left lane is a passing lane. That means you cannot put your shopping bag there. That also means your best friend cannot park there and talk to you about why you really should have bought that blouse at Value Village. Do you know why? Because when you do that, everyone behind you wants to kill you. And I only bring this up because I am a calm and rational person, but I if I ever go to prison it will be because of something that happened on an escalator. Either that, or near the front doors of a shopping mall or an airport.

  Okay, we all know that sometimes big buildings are overwhelming. That does not mean that you get to walk through the front door and just stop and look around for three minutes. If you need to get your bearings, the rules of the road apply here. You must pull over. Find a wall—you can spend all the time you want over there. And while we’re on the subject, if you get in an elevator before letting people off an elevator, that should be a criminal offence. With mandatory sentencing.

  I don’t know why they don’t teach this stuff in schools.

  Look, we are heading into the holiday season, people. There are going to be big crowds, it’s stressful enough. “Peace and goodwill” is the standard wish for the season; that’s only going to happen if everyone keeps moving.

  At the Canadian Western Agribition, Regina.

  Rick: “If you are in the market for a bison, a heifer, a calf or a goat, this is the place to be. They also do excellent beef on a bun.”

  Bull: “Bellowwwww.”

  LOAN SHARKS

  January 12, 2010

  The holidays are over and everyone is back to work. Everyone, that is, except for members of Parliament. Because as we all know, the Prime Minister has decided to suspend Parliament so we can all focus on the Olympics. I believe that Canadians will focus on the Olympics, but only when the Olympics actually happen. In over a month’s time.

  For the time being, Canadians are focused on one thing and one thing only. Our credit card bills. If you don’t believe me, Prime Minister, ask your chef or your driver. They will tell you.

  There I was this week, looking at my Visa bill, and I felt like the dude from The Da Vinci Code, looking at the parchment, trying to decipher what exactly happened over the holidays. And then I wondered, What kind of interest rate are they charging me here?

  So I get out the magnifying glass—the really powerful one I have lying around in case I want to examine some protozoa. And I saw in the very fine print that my interest rate is 20 percent. Twenty percent. Do you know who else charges 20 percent interest to borrow money in this country? Loan sharks.

  Now, I’m not advocating that anyone go to a loan shark. If you’re going to borrow money from the criminal element, you might as well stick with one of Canada’s five major banks. But there is a serious problem when a guy named Larry the Fence offers a lower interest rate than MasterCard.

  My New Year’s resolution is to avoid cards. All cards. At this point, I’m this close to getting a tattoo across my forehead that says, “No, I don’t have an Optimum card, and no, I don’t collect Air Miles.” All I want to do is buy some shampoo and not pay 20 percent interest. And focus on the Olympics.

  TORIES PLUNGE IN POLLS

  January 19, 2010

  How about those polls? For the first time in a very long time, the Liberals and the Tories are essentially tied, at least within the margin of error. Now, polls never tell the full story, but this much is certain: whenever the party in power drops fifteen points in fifteen days, you can be sure of one thing—someone in charge just did something really stupid.

  In this case, the Prime Minister figured he could suspend Parliament for three months and get away with it, because, in his words, Canadians just don’t care. Boy, was he wrong. Wow. He should get out more. Maybe go to a Tim Hortons. Get a feel for the place.

  This is what I love about Canada. Yes, we are apathetic. But the minute anyone tries to use our apathy against us, suddenly we start to care big time. It’s strange that the Prime Minister doesn’t get this. Instead, he just keeps saying, “Oh, don’t worry. Yes, I’ve suspended Parliament, but don’t worry, I’m hard at work.”

  You know what? Big deal. Of course he’s at work—he’s the Prime Minister. I’m sure Raul Castro’s going to put in a full day tomorrow running Cuba. We just like to think that in Canada, the bar is set a little bit higher.

  Bottom line is, Canadians got together, we elected 308 members of Parliament to go to Ottawa and represent us, and one member of Parliament, Stephen Harper, sent them packing.

  Prime Minister, with all due respect, I know it’s your job to run the country. I’m glad you’re hard at it. But it’s the voters who get to send MPs home. And with polls numbers like this, you might want to keep that in mind.

  POLITICAL PROPS

  January 26, 2010

  Canadians have been very generous to Haiti. People in this country have given an incredible amount of money. But once again, it’s members of the Canadian Forces that are doing the heavy lifting. Because really, by the time most of us realized just how devastating this situation was, by the time most of us sat down at our laptops and made a donation, a thousand Canadian soldiers were already on their way to Haiti.

  And a thousand more show up this week. Imagine if that was your job: just drop everything and go to hell on earth with no idea when you’ll be coming home to your family. I don’t know what it’s like where you work, but people at the CBC complain when the elevator’s on the fritz. But that’s soldiers for you. That’s what they do. And that’s why we admire them.
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  And that is why soldiers make the perfect political props. In the old days, politicians loved to get their pictures taken with babies. These days, it’s soldiers. Which is why, this past July, three hundred Canadian soldiers were given a mission. They were told to drop everything and show up at Canadian Forces Base Gagetown, in uniform, in front of the cameras, and clap and cheer as the Minister of Defence announced that this government was finally buying them new armoured vehicles, which we know they so desperately need.

  And so it was perfect timing this past week, when every headline was dominated by the humanitarian crisis in Haiti, that the government let it slip out very quietly that the purchase of armoured vehicles is now on “permanent hold,” or what a civilian would call “cancelled.” Turns out it was just a photo op, and perhaps a new low in Canadian politics.

  You know, it’s one thing for the government to order soldiers to put their lives at risk for Canada. That’s their job. But to drag them out and use them as a political prop, that’s going too far.

  At least babies can scream or throw up on a politician. Soldiers, they don’t get that option.

  Marching in the Santa Claus Parade, Toronto.

  Ron Barbaro (he’s on the left): “God, you can’t get good clowns these days.”

  AN ASSAULT ON US ALL

  February 2, 2010

  For Stephen Harper, a good cabinet minister is like a well-behaved child from the fifties. They should be seen and not heard, minus the seen part. Which is why the first time most of us heard there was a woman named Gail Shea in cabinet was when a woman from New York decided to smack her in the face with a tofu pie.

  Being a member of Parliament is bad enough. It’s not like the job comes with a lot of respect. Those days are long gone. Most people would rather see their kids go into a life of air conditioner repair than politics. But the bottom line is, we elect these people, and when we do, we expect them to be accessible to the public. That’s their job. And if we don’t like them, there are plenty of ways to protest that are actually effective.

  Hell, so many people protested against Stephen Harper last week the man is in full-blown panic mode. He’s out there as we speak, running around, saying that his brand new legacy is going to be protecting women and children in the Third World. All of a sudden, he sounds like Bono.

  But that’s the way our system works. We can yell, we can scream, we can protest, we can throw the bums out—but no touching. Everyone in this country—with the exception of hockey players, apparently—has the right to go to work and not get a smack in the face. Members of Parliament are no exception. We elect them, they serve at our pleasure, and if someone assaults them, it’s an assault on all of us.

  So to the woman from New York, who decided to leave her country and come to our country to assault a member of our Parliament, welcome to Canada. I hope you like prison food and that you bought a one-way ticket.

  HERE’S TO TEAM CANADA

  February 9, 2010

  Some people see the glass as half empty, other people see the glass as half full. I see the glass and blame the Prime Minister. I’m what you might call a cynic. I can be cynical about anything, even the lead-up to the Olympics.

  Not that it was hard. In certain Ottawa circles, it’s been a parlour game to sit around guessing how many medals our Olympians have to win in order to guarantee this government a majority. Mother Teresa would become cynical listening to that.

  But that said, once the Games begin later this week, I am in. For starters, the entire world is going to freak when they see how beautiful Vancouver is. See, we forget, we take this for granted, but British Columbia, that’s one sexy-looking province. Seriously, I expect some Germans’ heads will pop right off. Japanese, too.

  And then there are the athletes. Really, it’s all about them—the 206 members of Team Canada.

  Now, I’m very lucky. I have a job where I’ve got to meet a lot of Olympians and a lot of Paralympians. But even if I live to be a thousand, I will never understand these people. I have never, in my entire life, come close to being as committed to a single thing as they are to their sports. And God knows, they don’t do it for the money. Most of them still live under the poverty line. They work harder than anyone I have ever met in my life, and they do it because they love their sports and they love their country. It can make the most committed cynic believe the glass is half full.

  So, with just days to go before the opening of the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver, here’s to the members of Team Canada. You own the podium already.

  OLYMPIAN INSPIRATION

  March 2, 2010

  When Kaillie Humphries was just six years old, she saw Mark Tewksbury win a gold medal in the swimming pool and was inspired to be an Olympian. Eighteen years later, she got in a bobsled and won gold on a mountain. That is a legacy of Canadian Olympians. And boy, did we ever meet a great bunch this time around. Alexander Bilodeau, Clara Hughes, Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, Joannie Rochette … the list goes on and on. All amazing Canadians.

  But now that the Olympics are over, all of these athletes are worried that the funding for amateur sport is going to dry up. And you know what? They should be. Because so far, all signs out of Ottawa seem to indicate that the minute that flame goes out, the tap’s getting turned off.

  And as we’ve been told, it’s a mighty big tap. Huge amounts of money are involved. And this is the thing about governments—they can take any amount of money and make it seem like a lot or a little. This government, this wonderful government, has told us over and over again that it has spent over $55 million over five years supporting amateur athletes. What a huge amount of money. Who’s ever heard of such a sum?

  Fifty-five million over five years. In fact, it’s the same amount of money this same government has spent in one year, in one Conservative riding, preparing for one G8 meeting. A meeting, by the way, that will last one day. Starts at nine, ends at five. And at the end of the day, the only Canadian on a podium will be the Prime Minister. Never mind owning the podium—this is more like pass the Imodium.

  My guess is that when the meeting’s done, no six-year-old is going to be inspired to be the best in the world at anything. That is the job of our Olympians. Team Canada did their job; now it’s time we do ours. And make sure the bucks don’t stop here.

  With Kyle Shewfelt at the Olympic Oval, Calgary.

  Rick: “You broke two legs.”

  Kyle: “I broke both my legs … yeah.”

  Rick: “Broke both your legs. And then you went on to compete in the Olympics.”

  Kyle: “Yes.”

  Rick: “Which is incredible. And a lot of that had to do with your good outlook, don’t you think? I emailed you probably within hours of hearing you’d broken your legs, and I remember you emailed me back the next day, and you were so positive and so convinced you were going to go on and compete in the Olympics. And I remember thinking, The pills he’s on!”

  THRONE OFF

  March 9, 2010

  Usually, I love a Speech from the Throne. As far as politics go, it’s pure show business.

  Everyone gets dressed up. There’s an actual throne for the Governor General and a little tiny chair for the Prime Minister to curl up in. And the whole thing starts when a dude in a funny hat marches up the hall and bangs on the door with an ebony rod topped with a golden lion.

  It all went downhill after that. For starters, it went on forever. Avatar was shorter. Now, maybe it was the anticipation. After all, the Prime Minister closed down government for three months so he could “recalibrate.” Sometimes it’s hard to live up to the hype. When this happens in Hollywood, they bring in experts at the last minute to insert some sex and violence to distract the audience. Unfortunately, you can’t just insert a car chase in a Throne Speech, so the Tories did the next best thing: they announced the creation of—wait for it—Seniors’ Day.

  Now, that’s good government! Because as we know, the greatest problem facing senior citizens on a fixed income in
this country is that they don’t have a day. Like, you know, secretaries do. And then, how about that twist at the halfway point? The government announced the creation of a new award for volunteers called the Prime Minister’s Award, featuring—wait for it—the Prime Minister. How sexy is that?

  And then, of course, the climax of the entire piece—they anounced that they wanted to rewrite the lyrics to “O Canada” to appeal to more women. Well, that went over really well, didn’t it? Especially in a week where the minister in charge of the status of women, Helena Guergis, is so far off the rails she’s not allowed within a hundred feet of an airport, let alone an open microphone.

  So there you have it. They had three months to prepare, and the best they came up with was Seniors Day and a Prime Minister’s Award, and the only thing they tried to recalibrate was the national anthem. An idea that lasted two days. That’s not a Speech from the Throne; that’s a cry for help.

  WHO YOU KNOW

  March 16, 2010

  A very wise man once said that the secret to success in politics is sincerity—and if you can fake that, you’ve got it made. On the flipside, if people ever get the idea that you’re saying one thing and then doing another, you’re a dead man walking. Which is why my guess is the Tories wish they could start this month all over again.

  First up, we had Jim Flaherty’s tough new budget. Jim announced we were all going to have to make huge sacrifices and tighten our belts—and then he led by example by sneaking out the back door, getting in a private government jet and flying to London, Ontario, so he could get his picture taken at Tim Hortons. Do as I say, people, not as I do!