A Nation Worth Ranting About

by Rick Mercer

  It might seem absurd, but I took great solace in finding out that one of the most liked and respected men in the province was a gay man who lived what appeared to be a very boring, normal life in a bungalow on a suburban street in St. John’s.

  Andrew was shocked when I looked at him, gazed skyward and announced to nobody in particular, “As God is my witness, someday I too will be a gay weatherman on the CBC!” The rest is history.

  That may be an exaggeration, but just a slight one. I never actually told Andrew I was gay that day, and over time I came to realize I was more interested in politics than weather patterns. And anyway, Karl kept that job for another fifteen years.

  Decades later, while on a shoot at the RCMP’s Depot Division, the Saskatchewan training facility for all RCMP cadets, I had my own reverse Karl Wells moment. A soon-to-be graduate told me that, when he told his mother he was gay, he added “like Rick Mercer.” He told me that when he was dealing with his sexuality in high school, he read in The Globe and Mail that I was gay and it made a difference to him. Hardly scientific, but it was a nice thing for him to say.

  And, yes, for those readers who stopped paying attention after I mentioned a gay soon-to-be RCMP officer, he was very hot, and yes, he was married. Wherever he is now, I know that if there’s a young person on his street who’s dealing with their sexuality and feeling alone, the fact that there’s a six-foot, two-inch RCMP officer down the road “married to a dude” will make a big difference. And if there is a potential bully on the street, he might think twice about calling someone a fag as an insult.

  After the rant aired, the response was overwhelming. For a brief period, I became the patron saint of gay teenagers with low self-esteem. It’s now on my resumé, along with my ability to type with both hands.

  I know that lots of kids get bullied, but hearing from them personally wasn’t something I was expecting or was prepared for. And it wasn’t just gay kids; so many kids are bullied for so many reasons. Some straight kids get bullied for being gay because it turns out that’s a go- to insult used by kids who like to terrorize other kids. I feel particularly bad for these straight kids. They get the lousy parts of being gay, the harassment and the discrimination, without the fabulous stuff, the exotic vacations and free trips, that come later.

  And I heard from so many well-adjusted, successful people who wouldn’t go back to high school for one day for all the money in the world. And suddenly, people I knew, people I never would have suspected were victims of bullying, told me their horror stories. I thought we were the generation that talked about everything. Apparently not.

  And the mothers. Oh God, how many poor mothers did I hear from. When we get to a point where we no longer need an It Gets Better program for the kids, someone has to create an It Gets Better program for the parents.

  The media responded to the rant in many different ways, mostly positive. Everyone, it seems, was moved by Jamie’s death, and everyone wanted kids to go to school in a safe environment. My suggestion, though, that some gay adults should make themselves more visible rattled a few commentators. The Globe and Mail wrote an editorial saying gay adults have no obligation to help gay young people by being visible. They felt this was dangerously close to outing someone against their will. I don’t advocate forcing anyone out of the closet. That said, if a famous hockey player can be guilt-tripped out of the closet because it might help some kid in Moncton, then so be it.

  In the gay media, the rant was covered, but instead of the message being discussed, it was the messenger. That would be me. I wasn’t surprised by this, as the issue of gay kids being bullied had already been covered extensively in the gay media, so the rant was hardly an eye-opener in that community. At least one gay publication ran a piece saying that I was the one not “out enough” and was the last guy who should be telling other gay people to be visible. They might have a point, although the irony is I’ve been on the cover of the same magazine that suggested it.

  I do understand the frustration. There are many gay adults who are much more visible than me. There are activists who have dedicated their life to equality rights for the GLBT community. If it weren’t for their work, I wouldn’t enjoy the privileges and rights that I do now. For them, it must be slightly galling when TV Boy is moved by the death of a gay kid, mentions it on TV and suddenly it’s being bounced all over the Internet.

  But I never suggested that all gay adults need to be what we might think of as a traditional “gay activist.” I know soldiers who have served in Afghanistan and who are out to all around them. The fact that they are visible to their immediate community in the Canadian Forces sends a message as well. That, too, is activism. Glen Murray is an out gay cabinet minister in Ontario. He’s been out for years and has never dodged questions about his sexuality. As a cabinet minister, his job is to dodge questions about government policy. He is very good at it, and that, too, is activism.

  Of course, if you happen to be in the public eye, like Glen Murray or certain TV hosts, it’s a slightly different dynamic than most civilians face. As I said to Anna Maria Tremonti on CBC Radio’s The Current, “How many times do you have to come out in this country?”

  I had one journalist say, “Well, I’ve seen you march in the gay pride parade for the past five years, but I had no idea you were out.” I was on a float in the gay pride parade with a giant super-soaker. What did he think I was doing there? Hiding? Picking up chicks?

  Coming out is a constantly evolving process. By the time I was in my early twenties, there wasn’t a single person in my life—my friends, family, neighbours or co-workers—who didn’t know I was gay. By normal standards, that is about as out as one can be. That said, I have always had a public life, too, and I never discussed being gay in the media because I felt it was nobody’s business. I knew in my heart of hearts that if I was ever asked by a reporter, I would never deny being gay—but, Canada being Canada, nobody really cared and nobody asked and over a decade went by.

  It took a while for me to come to the conclusion that this wasn’t enough anymore. The average Canadian doesn’t care if I am gay, they don’t care if a police chief is gay or if a hockey player is gay. I get that. But there are Jamie Hubleys out there, and to them it matters.

  It was a personal decision, and honestly one I have never been entirely comfortable with. I’m actually a pretty private person. I’ve done thousands of radio and television interviews over the last twenty years, I can blather about politics from sun-up to sundown, and the only times I have been thrown for a loop were by a question that was deeply personal. Something along the lines of “What kind of car do you drive?” Or “What’s your favourite vacation spot?” Or the dreaded “What are your hobbies?” So the idea that I would go on national television or radio and discuss anything as personal as my sexuality is about as appealing to me as a colonoscopy.

  But because these darn kids have gone and decided that they are going to be out of the closet in high school—well, my generation has to do its part to help them out. So I came to the conclusion that, like my annual colonoscopy, it’s something that I have to do whether I like it or not. Having done both now for many years, I must say that, thanks to the Valium-Demerol drip, a colonoscopy is infinitely more enjoyable.

  ——

  If anyone in any Canadian workplace randomly punched a co-worker or spit on them or called them “nigger,” “fag” or “kike,” they would be summarily fired, if not arrested. And yet this type of thing happens every day in Canadian schools—and nobody seems to have a solution. Jamie Hubley’s death touched so many people. If he has a legacy, it will be that he sparked a national discussion about bullying in schools.

  Jamie tried to start a Rainbow Club in his school—a gay-straight alliance under a different name. He wanted to have a place where kids who felt different for whatever reason could come together, support each other, eat pizza, watch YouTube videos and be like all the other kids.

  When he put up the posters for his club, they were
torn down by kids who had no tolerance for Jamie, no tolerance for this great, talented kid who happened to be gay. His father tells me he was devastated by that. I can only imagine how thrilled Jamie would be to know that the Rainbow Club now exists in his school and is thriving.

  There are similar clubs in many schools across Canada. And hopefully Jamie’s legacy will lead to even more, until eventually every school kid in Canada who feels different will have a place they feel safe. And then, hopefully, Jamie’s legacy will lead to a day where these clubs are not needed at all.

  Flying a Harvard at the Windsor Air Show.

  Rick: “What year was the plane built?”

  Pilot Edward: “Nineteen forty-one.”

  Rick: “What year was the parachute packed?”

  LETTING DOWN VETERANS

  October 12, 2010

  I like politics because, in many ways, it is the theatre of the absurd. I love politics for the same reason I love Monty Python. But occasionally, politics can move from the absurd to the obscene just like that. Which brings us to the case of Colonel Pat Stogran.

  A Canadian solider, Stogran served his country for thirty years, and then the Tories came along and, with huge fanfare, they gave him a job. A new job—one job and one job only: to stand up for our veterans. A veterans’ ombudsman. And boy, do they regret that. Because apparently, he wasn’t paying attention when they said, “Oh, and keep your mouth shut.” So this summer, when we weren’t paying attention, the Tories quietly said it was time for the good colonel to move on.

  Why? Well, for starters, he crossed the line when he criticized the veterans’ charter. I mean, how dare he? All the parties supported the veterans’ charter. Why not—it’s a charter! Everyone loves a charter. Everyone loves a veteran. But it was Stogran who said, “No, no, no … read the fine print. Under this new charter, disabled soldiers actually get less money than ever before.”

  So, for all you people who believe this government has never tried to cut costs? Oh, they have—on the backs of injured soldiers. And the only reason we know this is Pat Stogran. So basically, he was fired. And now we find out his personal medical files have been accessed by the government over four hundred times. He’s not the only one. If you’re a veteran, and you cross the government, your medical files will get passed around like a dirty picture at summer camp.

  Pat Stogran deserves the Order of Canada, double the budget and a corner office. Instead, he’s being shown the door. He stood up for veterans. Where are the MPs who are going to stand up for him?

  THE WORLD DOESN’T LIKE US

  October 19, 2010

  Last week was a tough one for this country. It’s not every day that the entire world gets together and says, “We don’t like Canada” and we’re rejected at the United Nations. Well, in fact, it’s never happened before. It’s a brand new feeling. So it was very nice of the Tories to provide some comic relief when they blamed Michael Ignatieff.

  Now, see, I had no idea the guy was that powerful. But apparently, when the president of the Congo wakes up in the morning, the very first thing he does is turn to page A12 of the Toronto Star to see if Michael Ignatieff has been musing.

  But all that aside, this crushing humiliation for Canada on the world stage actually had a silver lining for the Tories. It took the spotlight off Jim Flaherty’s latest economic update. And in case you missed it, it’s very bad news. Canada has now posted the largest yearly deficit in Canadian history. And yes, that includes the years we were fighting the Nazis.

  Poor old Jim. He didn’t see it coming. Although you would think he’d be used to it by now, because every time he does an economic update, and there have been five, he’s wrong. To be fair, he’s not always dead wrong; sometimes he’s completely wrong. In fact, being wrong is his thing now, it’s his trademark. Kind of like Tony Clement’s sideburns.

  Thank God Jim’s just the Minister of Finance; imagine if he did something important, like drive a school bus or work at Tim Hortons. “Hey Jim, I gave you two bucks and asked for a double double. What’s up?” “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. Here’s an apple juice and twelve dollars change.”

  Yes, it’s been quite a week for Canada. We find out the world doesn’t like us and the guy in charge of our money still can’t count. Kind of makes you wish you could pretend it never happened—which is exactly what they’re hoping for.

  REMEMBER TO REMEMBER

  November 9, 2010

  Canadians are very good at respecting Remembrance Day. If you’ve ever been lucky enough to attend a ceremony in person, or even watch it live on TV from Ottawa, you know it’s not something you’ll ever forget. It doesn’t get much more moving than that. But for most Canadians, it’s a workday, it’s a weekday, it’s a busy day like any other. It can get away from you.

  Last year, I wasn’t at a ceremony. I wasn’t watching TV. I was squeezing in a haircut. I looked down at my watch, and it was two minutes to eleven. Two minutes to the moment where the entire country chooses to be silent, to reflect on the sacrifice of our war dead. And where am I? I’m wearing a giant bib, there’s a woman in one ear telling me she met Rex Murphy in person and he’s really quite handsome, there’s a guy in my other ear telling me how his appendix exploded. And the music is on full blast. And I ask you: Is this why they died on the beaches?

  Well, yes it is, actually. So all of us could go about our busy lives without a care in the world. And so I stepped out on the sidewalk, where it was quiet. And then I came back in and the woman said to me, “Did you go for a cigarette?” And I said, “No—it’s November 11, it’s eleven o’clock, I wanted a moment of silence.” And do you ever have those moments where you just want to take back what you just said? Because as soon as I said it, I felt like the biggest holier-than-thou jerk who ever walked the earth, and she felt worse. Because she didn’t mean to forget. It just happened. It can happen to any of us, and we know it shouldn’t. So this year let’s make sure we remember … to remember. By setting your alarm—it’s in your phone. And if you don’t know how that works, ask your kids. They can show you how your phone works. And you can tell them why we can never forget.

  Training with Canada’s national rugby team in Langford, B.C.

  Rick: “This is not the kind of scrum I’m familiar with. I’m more familiar with ‘Mr. Prime Minister! How can Tony Clement still be in cabinet? How many times can you demote him?’ ”

  NONE OF OUR BUSINESS

  November 16, 2010

  Recently, the Prime Minister’s Office has been getting a lot of grief over spending. And for no other reason than that the Prime Minister said he was freezing all government departments, and then secretly increased his own budget by 30 percent over two years.

  I mean, really, what’s the big deal here, people? He’s the daddy, and he’s saying, “Do as I say, not as I do.” And to be fair, this prime minister believes in transparent government. Which is why, as he promised, you can go to his website and see exactly how his office is spending your money. You should do it sometime. And if you can find that link, may I then suggest you turn your attention to finding the exact location of the Franklin Expedition, because clearly you’re that good.

  When you do find the website, well, I think you’ll really enjoy it, especially if you’re a fan of fiction. It’s all there. Like, you can see what the Prime Minister spent on accommodations for eight nights in Vancouver when he attended the Paralympics: $564—seventy bucks a night. The Travelodge in Sudbury costs twice that much. So either the Prime Minister thinks we’re stupid, or they forgot to mention the cost of building the time machine. Because, let’s face it, the last person to pay that price for a suite at the Four Seasons died in 1962.

  Which may explain a few things, actually. Because, according to his expenses, he also flies all over the world for zero dollars, and consumes no food or beverages. So, in fact, maybe he’s beyond transparent; maybe he’s a vampire.

  Now, personally, I don’t care that the Prime Minister spends scads of money. I do
n’t care that he likes suites with pianos. I don’t care that he likes to have the whole floor cordoned off to himself. He’s the Prime Minister. But being transparent means telling the truth. And when it comes to the Prime Minister’s expenses, like everything else in that office, the truth is, apparently, it’s none of our business.

  KILLED WITHOUT DEBATE

  November 23, 2010

  I like it when light shines on the Canadian Senate. Because there’s no doubt about it, it is a very strange and unique place.

  It has been a dumping ground for political hacks and bagmen since Mackenzie King was in short pants. We all know it needs reform. So why is it such a big deal that Tory senators killed a bill? I mean, the Senate has killed bills before, right?

  Not really. Not like this. They didn’t just kill a bill; they killed a bill without any debate. And that is the entire reason the Senate exists. They are, despite the fact that Mike Duffy is a member, the chamber of sober second thought. And the Tory senators took a bill that had been voted on and passed by a majority of the duly elected members of the House of Commons—the people we actually vote for—and killed it without a debate. To put that in perspective, the last time it happened was the 1930s. Think about this: Jean Chrétien, who we all know would have sold his own mother to get his own way and embarrass the Opposition—he never tried this. It’s one of those things that’s so undemocratic, nobody actually believed any Canadian government would do it. It’s one of those things that’s just not done. And so, when Marjory LeBreton, the leader of the government in the Senate, was asked about this, she just laughed and said, “Ha, it’s legal.” Oh, that’s a great defence there, Marjory—it’s legal. It’s also legal to walk up to a veteran, stick a quarter in his poppy box and take all the poppies. But people don’t do it. Because most of us like to think about what’s right, not what’s legal.