A Nation Worth Ranting About

by Rick Mercer

  With the bison of Elk Island National Park, Alberta.

  Rick: “Bison once roamed this country in the millions, and now they’re essentially just in small, isolated, protected pockets. They’re like the Liberals.”

  THEY LIVE FOR CAMPAIGNING

  Maclean’s, April 8, 2011

  Michael Ignatieff’s campaign is a magnificent triumph! Canadians are seeing a side of the man that they did not know existed, and they are excited about what they see. This is according to the people who work for Mr. Ignatieff and whose future employment prospects are tied directly to his success or failure.

  The joy radiating from the Liberal camp in week two reminds me of how my parents reacted when my final Grade 8 report card came in. Eyes darted past the Cs and Bs, the F in gym, past the repetitions of “needs improvement” and past “Still owes sixty dollars to the chocolate almond fund,” and finally settled on the most reassuring words any parents could read: “Advance to Grade 9.” They could not have been happier. After a year of lowered expectations, it seemed like a miracle. He doesn’t have to go to summer school! Clearly, the boy is a genius.

  Likewise, the Liberal refrain “Iggy is on fire.”

  Low expectations are your friend. I learned that lesson in junior high; Ignatieff is just figuring it out now, but it is working for him. So far, he has held his own, hasn’t fallen off the podium or wandered down any strange roads pondering in public about “anticipatory hypotheticals.” While this is good news for Liberals, low expectations will only take you so far. It may be a good strategy if you are trying to avoid being grounded, but it’s a hell of a way to become prime minister.

  On the Prime Minister’s tour, the word is that the Harper campaign is a disaster! The Prime Minister’s photo ops are coming across as stiff and scripted. This is according to people who, I am guessing, haven’t watched a Harper campaign before—because this one is no different than his others, and oh, would you look at that—he keeps getting elected prime minister.

  Sure, he doesn’t look comfortable sitting at a piano, listening to a child serenade him with Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” Can you blame him? Who put that together? “Prime Minister, are you familiar with Ms. Gaga? Good news: turns out she is not a hermaphrodite; that was a wooden phallus she was wearing. Anyway, she has written a gay anthem and this little girl is going to sing it to you. Some of the lyrics are about transsexuals and drag queens, but she might skip those.”

  And putting the Prime Minister on a four-wheel all-terrain vehicle? He doesn’t drive one of those. It’s not fair. That’s almost as ridiculous as putting him on a stage surrounded by guys doing exercises and having him announce that in five years you might get a tax cut if you join a gym, golf club or bathhouse. Oh wait, he did that too.

  Personally, I would ditch these awkward staged moments. Harper’s happy place is on stage, talking to the party faithful about all the horrible things that will befall the nation if he is not elected. There he shines, and there he connects with Canadians who are sitting at home watching TV and, I guess, being afraid. Ignatieff, on the other hand, is standing on his stage, but has yet to connect. The polls reflect that.

  But these men, Iggy and Harper, are the superstars. They are used to seeing their pictures in the newspaper. They are used to the highs and lows of being on the national stage. But there are many races happening in this country, and for those who toil in the back benches, this is their moment.

  It’s not very often that you find all members of Parliament and all candidates in agreement, but they agree on this. They view the job of MP as a great public service, and they like to remind us it is a noble one. They also agree that campaigns are a tough slog, but it is a sacrifice they are willing to make.

  It’s the relatives and friends of politicians I feel bad for, because God forbid you are related to one, or friends with one, or happened to go to school with one, or even made eye contact with one. They are a needy bunch. It’s like having a drug addict in the family. They want money from you constantly. And on top of that, they demand your time and energy.

  A politician’s hand is always out, especially during, before and after a campaign, and also before the next one.

  Imagine if, in order to keep your job, every so often you had to call everyone in your family, every friend, your in-laws, everyone in your yearbook, and say, “I’m reapplying for my job again. Can I have five hundred dollars? Also, can you take time out of your busy schedule to show up at some long-forgotten Knights of Columbus hall and chant my name over and over again? And when I speak, can you cheer like you are witnessing Martin Luther King recite ‘I have a dream,’ even though we both know I don’t have a clue?”

  Most of us go through life trying to avoid hitting up our friends and family for money, and sure, while there are times when it may be inevitable, we try to avoid it becoming a habit. Politicians are that rare breed. This doesn’t bother them. They are missing the dignity chip. A career politician like John Baird has, in his lifetime, asked more strangers for more money than all the squeegee kids in Canada combined. This is a sacrifice he and so many others are willing to make.

  So what is it that allows these men and women to swallow their pride and say, “Yes, I will do this, I will stand for public office”? I do not know.

  Everywhere they go, they have to stare at billboards and posters with their faces emblazoned across them as if they were suddenly transformed into Hollywood stars. They have to do media—sometimes many interviews a day. Which, for an MP used to begging to get on local radio, can be exhausting. And then there is the constant barrage of volunteers to be managed, the old and experienced hands who do the heavy lifting mixed in with the young and impressionable keeners—the ones who wear tight T-shirts with your name across the front who never get tired of listening. And yes, there is the chanting and the applause.

  Politicians may very well believe in public service, but for the vast majority it is the campaigns they live and die for; it is why they are on put on earth.

  It is why, when you hear Stephen Harper saying he wishes there wasn’t an election, that’s like a dog saying he has grown tired of licking himself. It’s not true—not now, not ever.

  Following Fashion Week with Jeanne Beker in Toronto.

  Rick: “What can we expect?”

  Jeanne: “We can expect a celebration of Canadian fashion, of course. This is a week-long shot at putting great Canadian style on the runway, and everyone’s very happy and proudly waving the flag because it’s all about Canada. Are you wearing Canadian?”

  Rick: “Yes. Stanfield underwear.”

  A NEW CANADIAN PERSPECTIVE

  Maclean’s, April 15, 2011

  My friend Farid is from Iran. This will be the first federal election in which he is eligible to vote.

  Being somewhat of a sap, and knowing what a hard-working new Canadian he is, I was immediately moved by this notion. Surely, after a lifetime of persecution in Iran, after making his way to Canada with nothing, after receiving his Canadian citizenship, he would be overwhelmed with joy and excitement at the notion of exercising his democratic right to a vote.

  No dice. He is entirely underwhelmed by his choices. “Rick, if it was a choice between PC or Mac, that I could understand; but this election, it seems the choice is one lousy PC and another lousy PC—why does it matter?”

  Assuming the lousy PCs he was referring to were Michael Ignatieff and Stephen Harper, I suggested that he should look at the NDP. “It was the NDP,” I said, “that gave us universal health care. They are passionate supporters of the working man and they fight for the little guy. Jack Layton is a good man,” I told him. “He walks the walk and talks the talk. He has solar panels on his barbecue.” I could tell by the look on Farid’s face that suggesting he vote NDP was akin to insulting his mother, his wife, or both.

  I shouldn’t be surprised at Farid’s dislike of the NDP. While he did flee Iran with his life, he has an affinity for a stern hand on the tiller. During the m
unicipal election in Toronto, Farid became a big supporter of now-mayor Rob Ford after Ford offered the opinion that there were too many people in Toronto and we shouldn’t welcome more. Farid’s pet peeve is road congestion, so he too would like to see a stop to anyone else moving into the city, especially from other countries.

  Being a civic-minded Canadian, I informed Farid that Rob Ford could say whatever he wanted, but that freedom of movement was a fundamental Canadian right and that no mayor, no prime minister, no police officer, no person could tell any citizen or landed immigrant where they can and cannot live.

  “Fine,” said Farid, “then pass a law saying any new Canadian moving to Toronto should not be allowed to own a car.” Irony is lost on the man.

  I find my little chats with Farid distressing, but I wanted him to understand fully the importance of voting, and I wanted him to know that there are many other options available to Canadians. Sure, these other parties are less mainstream than the Liberals, Conservatives and NDP, but they are political parties all the same. One million people voted for the Green Party in the last election, and say what you want, that is exciting. And it wasn’t long ago that a handsome young Preston Manning announced the formation of the Reform Party and changed the political course of Canada forever. Farid was dubious, and so I logged on to the Elections Canada website to prove it.

  In the last general election, there were a baker’s dozen of “fringe parties,” and their websites prove democracy is alive and well in this country. I learned a lot.

  Did you know that Canada has not one, but two national communist parties? There is the Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada and the Communist Party of Canada. This is important to know in case you plan on sending a cheque to one and you get them mixed up. It’s a terrible feeling knowing you have put your hard-earned dollars towards the wrong communists.

  Both have long histories in this country. In fact, the Communist Party slogan is “Celebrating ninety years.” Our current governing party has only been around for seven.

  The Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada is somewhat of an offshoot of the original Communist Party; its leader had a falling out with the other, original group when China and the Soviet Union began squabbling in the seventies. They both took separate sides, and a divide took hold among Canadian communists that to this day is not healed. They are comrades no more. And like the Canadian Alliance and the Progressive Conservative Party of Canada of old, they continue to run candidates and split the communist vote, making their dreams of forming a majority government even more elusive. At present, both parties deny there are any ongoing merger talks.

  Farid was fascinated to learn that the Bloc Québécois is not the only separatist party in Canada. Yes Farid, western Canada has xenophobes as well.

  The Western Block Party is lead by Doug Christie, the same Doug Christie who has made a name for himself defending the rights of wannabe Nazis to be, well, wannabe Nazis. These days, Doug has other priorities—namely, seeing western Canada split and form its own country, and, of course, lower taxes. A visit to his website indicates that the first act of an independent western-block nation would be to stop spending money on sewage treatment plants because, and this is a quote from the party platform, “Nature already provides us with an effective, inexpensive and environmentally beneficial treatment system.”

  It’s enough to give separatists a bad name; after all, the Bloc Québécois wants Quebec to separate, but they have never suggested an added benefit of sovereignty would be the ability to turn la belle province into a massive toilet.

  Thankfully, Farid is an engineer by trade and was baffled as to why anyone would be against sewage treatment.

  Personally, my favourite new party on the Canadian political spectrum is also the one with the snazziest website and best name: the People’s Political Power Party of Canada, which I’m guessing is not affiliated with anyone with a speech impediment.

  Its platform is laid out in a very sophisticated website, and I would suggest that the founder and leader of the party, Roger Poisson, has perhaps the most honest and intriguing biography of any political leader I have read. It reads, in part, “For the last seventeen years, Roger has been working for no wages. He holds no bank account in his name and has no savings. He was learning how to father a nation.” I’d like to see Michael Ignatieff or Stephen Harper say that.

  Mr. Poisson’s platform is extensive, but it does not appear to be fully costed. Unfortunately for the Peoples Political Power Party of Canada, that is a deal-breaker for Farid.

  The link to the Marijuana Party of Canada at Elections Canada doesn’t work. I’m sure somewhere there is a well-intentioned young man who means to get around to fixing it, but with days to go until the general election, really, what is the rush?

  When you track down the website, it turns out to be nothing but a number of sponsored links to indoor hydroponic growing kits, natural lawn care companies and the NDP. So I can’t really say what the Marijuana Party stands for, but I informed Farid that it was a safe bet that they are against the Harper plan of mandatory federal jail time for anyone caught with six marijuana plants growing among the tomatoes.

  For those Canadians interested in these parties, there is a debate of the “fringe parties” scheduled to be held in Toronto on April 23. As I write this, it is not clear which parties will show up. One thing we know for certain is that Elizabeth May, after being shut out of the main political debate, has refused to attend. According to her, the Green Party is a mainstream movement and has no place at the fringe table.

  As a result, Ms. May has announced plans to debate herself at some later date. I would suggest the first question she might ask is why she continues to run against cabinet ministers.

  The leader of the Marijuana Party has agreed to attend, but only if someone pays for his ticket from Vancouver. I approached the publisher of this magazine, suggesting they pay his airfare, but they declined, citing the Marijuana Party’s position on corporate income tax reductions.

  At the end of this exercise, Farid was more confused than ever but amazed that Canada allows such parties to exist. Again, the concept of total freedom is one we take for granted. There is a bit of a learning curve when you spend all of your life in a country like Iran.

  So, when pushed, Farid decided that he was—like so many Canadians—an “undecided” voter. He would make his final decision on election day.

  He admits that he likes Ignatieff and agrees he is a very smart man. “But,” said Farid, “he didn’t come back for me.” I didn’t bother saying, “How the hell could he? You just got here yourself.”

  But my guess, if I were a magic vote compass, is that he is leaning towards the Conservatives, despite what he calls a lacklustre campaign. In fact, the only thing Stephen Harper has done to impress him thus far was having the RCMP pull the little girl from his rally because of her Facebook picture with Michael Ignatieff. “Why the big fuss?” he said with a smile.

  “That reminds me of home.”

  Like that was a good thing.

  Shooting the rapids on the Kananaskis River, Alberta.

  Rick: “And this rapid that we’re looking at here … what’s that one called?”

  Guide: “This is called the Widow Maker.”

  Rick: “The Widow Maker! I love a body of water with a nickname. Can we start with one called Gail?”

  THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

  Maclean’s, May 9, 2011

  Having led the Conservative Party to a majority government, with the Liberal Party lying bloodied and dying at his feet, Stephen Harper saw the breadth of his domain and wept, for he had no more worlds to conquer.

  Twenty-four hours before Canada went to the polls, I went on BBC Radio International to explain to a very pleasant radio personality with excellent diction why Canada was having yet another election.

  Now, it’s one thing to go on the radio and blather about politics in Canada—the audience knows the cast of characters and it’s safe to assume they are som
ewhat familiar with our recent history. But when you go on BBC International, the audience is in the tens of millions worldwide and you have to bear in mind that the average listener is likely tuning in from a shantytown in Nigeria or a loft in Oslo.

  How do you explain in a few minutes just what an accomplishment a majority would be for the Conservative Party? How do you explain how Stephen Harper became the leader of a grassroots western-based regional party, a party that existed solely to give voice to individual MPs, and somehow transformed it into a national party so centralized in its power structure that no more than five of its MPs are allowed to speak in public?

  And how in God’s name do you explain that the demise of the Liberal Party would be a seismic shift on our political landscape? And really, did anyone have an explanation for the orange crush?

  And why, my Nigerian friends may wonder, did the last-minute revelations of a visit to a sketchy massage parlour fifteen years ago lead to increased support for the leader of Canada’s socialists, especially among separatists in Quebec?

  How do you explain that Michael Ignatieff was shaping up to be a loser of Ben Johnsonian proportions, not for having cheated or for having lied, but for having been vilified for doing too many things in his life and for having lived in too many places?

  Yes, my Nigerian brother, in Canada, time spent at the Velvet Touch massage parlour is a positive; time spent at Harvard, not so much.

  And speaking of Quebec, why, on the eve of the election, was the most senior government cabinet minister in that province, the Minister of Foreign Affairs, facing certain defeat at the hands of a part-time karate instructor, a collector of medieval weapons and one-time member of the Communist Party?