A Nation Worth Ranting About

by Rick Mercer

  The problem is, the only people who can order a judicial inquiry are the cabinet. Which would mean investigating their own party. That’s like asking Don Cherry to donate his brain to science—it’s not going to happen.

  Luckily, we live in Canada and we have another option. It is a long shot, but it’s a real shot: the Governor General. He is, by definition, above it all. Which is exactly what we need right now. With one stroke of the pen, he can say, “That’s it, we’re getting to the bottom of it—a Royal Commission.” And why not? It’s just our faith in democracy at stake, and let’s face it, Stephen Harper loves everything with the word royal in it.

  Because if we don’t investigate this top to bottom, coast to coast, all the people out there that believe voting is useless will finally have their proof. And fans of voter suppression will have committed the perfect crime.

  Snorkelling with salmon In the Campbell River, B.C.

  Rick: “We’re going to go swimming with the salmon. They’re all up here spawning. They’re checking each other out. They’ve been out in the ocean for an extended period of time and they’re returning home to spawn. The opposite of what students are doing at this time of year.”

  PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

  March 27, 2012

  Consider this a public service announcement. If you found yourself this past week sitting at home on the couch, watching TV and relaxing, and suddenly you found yourself confronted by an attack ad paid for by the Conservative Party—do not panic. There is not a rift in the space-time continuum. You were not suffering a small stroke or cerebral hemorrhage. And no, there is no federal election imminent. You were simply experiencing the new normal in Canada: the never-ending campaign. Welcome to hell.

  And I know we were all hoping that the constant barrage of negative advertising would end with the minority governments. No such luck. In the old days, prime ministers used to devote all of their time between elections to governing Canada. Not anymore. Now, a prime minister has negative ads to approve and reputations to destroy,. Being mean and cutthroat is not something you just do every four years. Now, it’s a full-time job.

  I admit, sometimes I don’t understand political strategy. So I asked a Tory friend of mine: “Why? Why pay for attack ads three years before an election? And why attack Bob Rae, when the Liberals are in third place and he’s got crazy scientist hair?” And the guy said, “Why not? We’ve got so much money, we could buy every ad available in a seven-game playoff series and the Olympics, and we’d still have more money left over than all the other parties combined.” Great!

  So I guess the moral of this story is that negative ads are never going away. Ever. If that’s the case, may I make a suggestion? We used to refer to these things as “American-style” attack ads and “American-style” dirty tricks. I think it’s time we gave our friends to the south a break. It is the new reality: attack ads and dirty tricks aren’t just American anymore. They’re Canadian as Canadian can be.

  The Winners of the sixth annual Spread the Net Student Challenge were: Lakefield Elementary School, Quispamsis, New Brunswick, with $15,884.47; Peterborough Colligate and Vocational School, Peterborough, Ontario, with $52,661.60; and McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, with $9,147.52. Spread the Net aims to educate Canadians about malaria and raise funds to buy bed nets. For more details and news of future Challenges, go to spreadthenet.org.

  WE NEED MORE SCHOOLS LIKE THIS

  April 3, 2012

  It’s been a very long time since I’ve been in school. And like a lot of Canadians, when I see a yellow bus, I breathe into a paper bag and then I carry on with my day. But this past week, I went back to school. And why not? Forty-seven schools from across Canada came together and raised a quarter of a million dollars for kids on the other side of the planet. And I know, it was a contest—“Who can raise the most money?” But let’s face it: no matter where you go to school, there’s always going to be a school that’s bigger, nicer, richer, whatever. The kids know this, and yet they still went to work and raised all that money.

  Really, what is wrong with kids today? From where I’m standing, not much. And how about the kids at Peterborough Collegiate and Vocational School? What a school! Great sports, great science, they got arts up the yazoo. They have an anti-bullying hotline that hasn’t been called in eleven months. And still, this year, they were told out of the blue that their school was closing.

  You know, in these situations, you have two options. You can do what you’re told or you can fight like hell. These kids, they went with the latter, and boy, what a beautiful sight. They fought, they marched, they made the lives of the school board a living hell, and they still went out and raised fifty grand for kids in Africa.

  These kids may not be able to vote, but they could teach us all a thing or two about being engaged citizens. In fact, if I could replace the entire federal cabinet with thirty-nine kids from PCVS, I would do it in a heartbeat.

  I take that back. I would replace them with twenty-five kids. Harper’s cabinet is too big as it is.

  The president of the student council at PCVS has said they’re going to keep fighting because Canada needs more schools like theirs, not one fewer. I tend to agree. I’m just glad they lasted as long as they did. We’re all better off because of it.

  Acknowledgements: The Book

  Thanks to publisher Kristin Cochrane, publicist Cathy Paine, designer C.S. Richardson, and the rest of the Doubleday Canada team for continuing to make authorship such a pleasure. My editor at Doubleday was again Tim Rostron, a godlike genius in his handling of everything from the big picture to such details as the drafting of this sentence.

  Above and beyond the considerable demands of their day jobs, publisher’s assistant Kiara Kent at Doubleday, RMR script co-ordinator Kevin Drysdale and CBC publicist David McCaughna were invaluable in directing the traffic of words and pictures.

  Acknowledgements: The Show

  Five years ago I wrote the acknowledgements to my first RMR book and I am struck with how similar the list is this time around.

  The reason is very simple. I have always believed the most important secret to success in show business is to surround yourself with the very best in the business and then try like hell to keep them on board. I’m proud to say that since that last book I’ve managed to do that with pretty much everyone, the glaring exception being the very talented comedy writer Irwin Barker who left the show in 2011. It wasn’t personal; he passed away after a stunningly impressive battle with cancer. We miss him very much.

  Gerald Lunz is still the executive producer and my partner in crime. He is still the funniest man in the room and still the man who edits and fixes every rant I write. Why he hasn’t gotten tired of that or me I shall never know, but I am eternally grateful.

  Chris Finn, Tim Steeves, Greg Eckler, Rick Currie and George Westerhom are the lads in the writers’ room. Imagine getting to hang out with the funniest people you know week in and week out, that’s my job. Good gig.

  Our supervising producer Tom Stanley continues to be a mission-critical part of the team. If he goes, I go. I say this despite the fact that it was his idea that I get tasered for the show—a segment that never aired. I cannot tell you the contributions he has made to our success since coming on board.

  Under Tom’s thumb and direction are Nik Sexton and Scott Stephenson, the youngest, smartest and best-dressed part of the office.

  I still head out on the road every week with the same brilliant crew, cameraman Don Spence and road director John Marshall. Michal Grajewski came on board a few years back because we are old and tend to fall asleep at the wheel, and he is young and can go days without sleep. He is also the show’s photographer, camera assistant and improv director. He talks about the Winnipeg Jets just a little too much.

  Al Maclean and Miles Davren take the tape we shoot at RMR and edit it in a way that makes me look way better than I deserve to.

  The CBC graphics department of Mike Burroughs, Jake Boone and J
odi Boyer astound me every week, both with the quality of their work and the tight schedule they are required to do it in.

  The production team of Alan MacGillivary and Marilyn Richardson continue to make the office and the show appear to run like clockwork, mostly because they tell Gerald and me nothing. I thank you for that.

  Henry Sarwer-Foner continues after twenty years to be my director and is the reason why everything shot in the RMR studio looks so great.

  And then there are the people at RMR who make their own jobs look easy when they are anything but: Baron Evans, Nan Brown, Kelli McNeil, Bob Graham, Brian Barlow, Kye Fox, Meliase Patterson, Jill Aslin, Terry Hanlon, Jon Sturge, Claire Wing and—thanks again—Kevin Drysdale and David McCaughna.

  At the CBC I continue to be indebted to Kirsten Stewart and George Anthony. Kirsten for being such a supporter and George for knowing more about show business than anyone I know. And as always, we are so lucky to be able to work with one of the great TV production crews, the men and women at the CBC Broadcast Centre in Toronto.

  And to all the great actors whom have come into our studio and played with me over the years, there are too many of you to mention, but it is always a privilege to share the boards with you.

  And to those friends who I tend to bother on a Thursday night when I am supposed to be writing a rant but instead I am staring at a blank screen, thank you for picking up when you know it’s me calling—especially John Ratchford and Shirley Douglas.

  And for anyone who has watched a rant and said “Right on—good job” or “That guy should be fired”—I thank you too for watching and listening.