Would I Lie to You?

by Trisha R. Thomas

  Venus stopped to look at him. Observations from a chaotic mind … his Adam’s apple double-rippled when he swallowed, his eyebrows were growing sparse grays to match his mustache, his white shirt was buttoned almost clear to his throat, allowing his Adam’s apple to stick out prominently.

  “No, I’m going to prepare so they’ll have something to eat for later. Why? Did you have something in mind?” Her wet hand rested on her hip. Observation, he couldn’t look her in the eye.

  “I didn’t come here just to work. But it’s important that I finish this work for Monday. I should be finished around five, so I’ll pick you up then and we can decide what we’re going to do for dinner.”

  “Don’t rush.” She squeezed a tight smile. “I have plenty to do here. I’ll probably start on the laundry after this.” Venus turned back to the sink, ignoring the cold soggy feeling on the front of her T-shirt.

  “I’ll say good-bye to your dad; I’m sure your mom’s already back to sleep.” He went to kiss her on the lips and she extended her cheek. He walked away confused but he didn’t take the time to ask what was wrong.

  Venus stared out the small kitchen window, daydreaming. The earlier run-in with Jake had left her raw and frayed like the edges of unfinished fabric. She was alone in the kitchen, standing in one spot. She’d spent many days looking out of the small square window to the hill covered with ice plant. The ever growing succulents found Southern California canyons irresistible. A few times a year her parents hired workers to dig it up by the root, landscaping with wild poppies and ivy. The ice plant always managed to grow back, stronger than ever.

  “Hey, Precious, Airic says he’s taking off.” Her father’s touch surprised her. He took the dish towel out of her hand. “You don’t have to stay here. He came all this way. Get on out there before he’s gone. Your mother and I are fine.”

  Venus never felt it necessary to lie to her father. He’d told her several times in several different ways, there’s nothing worse than lying no matter what the sin or failure. Not that she was stupid enough to volunteer information out of the blue. She’d acted out the usual teenage rebellions. Sex. Experimentation with alcohol and drugs, but she hadn’t been stupid enough to confess. Though if he’d asked, it would have been a different story.

  She leaned her head on his shoulder. “Dad, do you like Airic? I mean really like him, or do you just act friendly because he’s my fiance?”

  He pulled back. “What kind of question is that?”

  She hunched her shoulders.

  “Why are you asking me now? You’ve never asked before.” He moved to the dinette and pulled out a chair. “Come here, sit down.”

  He waited until she was squarely in front of him. “Do you like Airic?” He scooted his chair closer to get her complete attention. “Now, hold on before you answer that. We love people and connect through time and events in our lives that bond us forever. We call it love, loyalty, and responsibility toward that person … but liking someone, feeling a sheer joy just to be in their company, that’s a whole lot different and seems to me, you should be asking yourself that question.”

  He leaned his head down to follow her eyes. “Nothing to say? You’re having doubts about our friend Airic?”

  She shook her head up and down.

  “Is it about the young fella you brought to the hospital?”

  Venus finally let her head move into her palms. The headache that had been threatening to burst forward was now making itself comfortable between her eyes. No matter if they were open or closed, the red and black spots continued to dance before her.

  “You just met this fella?”

  “Since I started working in Los Angeles, not long enough to feel the way I do,” she muttered downward.

  “You can’t measure it, Precious. There’s no way to measure everything. I know you’ve spent a lot of time trying to get people to measure up to your expectations.”

  That got her attention. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She looked up. It hurt to raise her eyes.

  “You know, like what you went through with the young doctor fella.”

  “Don’t mention him.” The thought of Clint asking her if she still loved him made her headache worse.

  “My point is you can’t keep believing things happen exactly as you map them out. Not like the business you’re in where you sit down and plan, strategize, then go out and make it happen. Love, or in this case, like, doesn’t happen that way. You can’t know when it’s going to hit you, you just have to be ready for it.”

  “Does being ready include already being in a relationship with someone else?” She put her head back down.

  “Life is full of choices; nobody says they all have to be right. Sometimes they just have to feel good. A little joy never hurt nobody, Precious.”

  Venus’ eyes watered from the pain in her head. She felt miserable. “Taking joy for yourself and hurting someone in return, that’s not right.”

  “You’re measuring again, trading in one thing for another.”

  “That’s the way life is, Daddy. You can’t have it all. If you do one thing here, it affects the other over there; there’s consequences, it’s the law. Cause and effect.”

  “Yeah, but what if making your move over here gives way to a positive, stronger result way over here”—he pointed his finger on the table, as if they were playing an invisible game of chess—“results better for you than you ever imagined; how will you know if you never try? You can’t predict it all, it can’t always be planned out.” He stood up and stretched, making a few cracking sounds in his neck. “I know you’ve got a lot of thinking to do, but for once, I suggest you stop thinking and just do it, like the Nike commercial says. Get on out there and take some chances. Life is full of risk and danger but living is much more fun.” He started walking out of the kitchen.

  She squeezed her eyes closed, talking more to herself than to him, but it came out anyway. “How would you know?”

  She heard her father’s footsteps stop. She lifted up her hand. “I didn’t mean that, Daddy My head is killing me. I—”

  “I know what you think about your mother and I.” He was moving back toward her. “What most anyone thinks who has spent more than five minutes in the same room with us. Pauletta’s here, I’m way down here, doing whatever she says. That’s the way it looks, and that’s fine by me. Only thing that matters is what’s going on in here, and here.” He pointed first to his heart, then to his head. “That’s your perfect example of how I would know. I never listened to one single person or paid attention to any rules that said this overbearing, controlling, loving, sensitive woman was not for me. That’s right, she’s all those things, and I love her and, got news for you, like her a whole bunch too. The chance I took was that I married her anyway. Now you better start taking some chances or you gonna end up unhappy and alone.” This time he left the kitchen and didn’t turn back.

  THE rapid pulse in her ears and head began a trail, increasing in intensity as it moved down the sides of her neck and through her shoulders. She found herself upstairs in the small bathroom she’d shared with Timothy growing up. She pawed the medicine cabinet for Excedrin or aspirin. An expired bottle of Tylenol fell into the sink. She popped the cap open, then swallowed two at a time, then two more. She went back and found an almost empty bottle of Sleep EZ. The expired date didn’t deter her from pushing the last two into her mouth and sticking her mouth under the faucet, gulping air and water.

  Her old bedroom was within crawling distance. It had been years since she’d had a migraine of this magnitude. The only thing she could be thankful for was that they didn’t come often enough to cause alarm. She accepted the staggering pain and submitted to the total breakdown of her body and mind as a call for her to stop and rest.

  She knocked over the pile of stuffed animals and pulled back the flowered bedspread, curling up and pushing her face into the pillow. Her mother kept her room just as it had always been. Bright yellow walls, pictures of herse
lf when she was a child. Awards she’d won. First-place ribbons hung in chronological order from the spelling bee competitions, four years in a row until she was dethroned in the sixth grade by George, a big bootie boy with a terrible sinus condition. Pictures she’d drawn and painted still in the white laminated Kmart frames. Her mother had been proud of her artistic talent. It came natural to Venus, always had. But she’d ignored pursuing it after her mother said there were more than enough starving artists, the world didn’t need one more.

  What chances had she ever taken? She couldn’t even follow her heart to do something she’d loved. She tried going down the list, the risk-taker list. Things she’d done that were against the grain. She’d cut off all her long straightened hair and started over au naturel. That was huge. She’d changed jobs voluntarily, without having been downsized or let go. No one could claim that was easy. She’d moved lots of times, leaving family and friends. Relocating to a new city was a symbol of being able to change, take chances. She met people every day who had never left the city they grew up in, living in the same neighborhood, near or with their mamas. She rolled her eyes in her head and immediately cringed from the pain.

  She took chances. She did! Why should she risk blowing her relationship with Airic when she was so close, so close to finally getting married?

  The sleep medication began to take effect. She felt like the swaying branch outside the bedroom window making shadowy movements. Her lids were heavy. Henry’s words began to slide off into oblivion, to a place where defending herself was no longer necessary. A place where the truth was self-evident. Where it was risk free. She could take chances in her dreams where everything would turn out all right. It was safe to feel Jake’s arms around her, his breath in her ear, holding her close. It was safe to close her eyes and experience the sweetness. She could take chances in her dreams.

  SHE awakened to the sound of howling winds. The dark room was comforting, even with the sound of ghosts swirling outside. She sat up blinking in the twilight. Her head still thumped mildly, but nothing like the pain earlier. Her body yearned for a long stretch and deep yawn. She stood up, extending her arms over her head, remembering how she’d found her way to the bed in the first place. She had decisions to make. It was time to face Airic. To face herself.

  She peeked in on her mother. She lay sleeping comfortably. Venus leaned on the bed and kissed her gently on the lips. “I love you, Mom,” she whispered near her face.

  Airic was already waiting when she came downstairs. Henry shook Airic’s hand and patted him on the back. “You take care now.” He walked away without saying good-bye to Venus. Airic didn’t catch the tension.

  “So, did you get all your work done?” Venus kept her eyes on the hood of the car, trying not to look at the road. Airic drove with an East Coast mentality, heavy foot and lots of swerving, which made her uncomfortable.

  “Enough. Definitely enough.” He braked hard at the light, sending her head forward with a jolt. Sharp pain stabbed between her eyes.

  “Please take it easy; I’ve been fighting this headache all day.” She pressed her fingers to her forehead. She rolled the window down, desperate for fresh air. Airic’s aftershave was suffocating.

  He lifted a hand and rubbed her neck and shoulders. “Whoa, haven’t seen you feel this bad in a long time. What brought this on?”

  “I don’t know.” She removed his hand and placed it back on the steering wheel. “I’ll be okay, just watch where you’re going.” She stared straight ahead, the shine of the hood glaring in her eyes.

  Maybe she did know what brought it on. Her body had a way of punishing her when she didn’t release and acknowledge. Her conscience was screaming guilt, fear, and confusion. She thought of the rush of emotion she felt when Jake showed up looking so vulnerable, standing before her admitting with his actions that he cared more for her than he wanted to. Worse, there was nothing he could do about it. She’d sent him away, hurt, and now she was absorbing the pain.

  “I’ll pick up some takeout. We can eat inside.”

  “Yeah.”

  She’d dozed off. Before she knew it, they were idling in front of the apartment.

  Airic nudged her shoulder, then stroked the side of her face. “You go on up, I’ll get the food and be back in a flash.” He leaned over and kissed her temple. The scent of his cologne, the very same he’d been wearing since she’d known him, now nauseated her. She got out of the car, begging for the clear air that the strong winds had brought. He waited while she let herself in, then he accelerated heavily, screeching off.

  THE apartment was filled with Airic, his scent lingering like a fog settling over the land. She moved through the house, opening the sliding door and side windows. The curtains blew up and swirled around her. An immediate chill from the outside, but anything was better than the sickening cologne in the air.

  Venus walked to the answering machine, checking for messages, and saw no life. She held up the unplugged cord. At least she hadn’t lied to Jake. One out of two ain’t bad.

  She made her way to the bathroom. She turned on the water, full pressure. The tub began to fill. The steam sometimes helped her headaches.

  She stripped herself of clothing and sat on the cold toilet seat, her bare bottom oblivious to the discomfort. She was numb at this point, feeling nothing but the desire to sink as low in the tub as she could. She stepped in when it was half full, letting the water continue to run. All she had to do was say it, put herself out of her misery. Even if Airic didn’t hear her, the universe would. She will have told the truth and freed herself. How does one just walk away? She’d witnessed it enough times, even partaken in the morbid behavior as a youth, but as an adult, having respect and compassion for another loving, kind human being, how did one go about the act of crushing them for no good reason, stepping on their backs and staying on a merry course without a break in stride? A good person to ask would be Clint.

  Her hearty laugh bounced in echoes throughout the bathroom. Clint would know firsthand how to destroy someone and keep stepping. He’d easily carried out the act with her underfoot It should be vivid and recent in his mind. The way he simply held up his hand and said, I’m through, enough, I’m going to do what I want to do. To hell with you, Venus. She could still see him, Clint’s lips moving, telling her, he was glad they’d finally cleared the air so they could always be friends.

  Friends.

  The laugh again. This time she took in a mouth full of water, almost choking. She turned the knobs off before the tub overflowed. She leaned back into the frothy suds, letting her hair get soaked.

  Airic didn’t deserve the same treatment as Clint had shown her. No one did. Putting in time and effort with someone, planning a life together, then suddenly smacked down, eliminated, and put to the curb like Saturday’s trash. She’d put in four long years with Clint and supported him mentally, physically, financially. Yet the tally sheet showed zero baly Nothing owed, nothing due. Maybe that was the lesson she hadn’t learned. You give because you want to. You love because you want to. Always looking for the payoff was the wrong way to tread through life. She wondered if Airic had already had this revelation. Maybe he would understand.

  “Hey, where you at? Got the food.”

  With the sound of Airic’s voice she stood up dripping. Her wet hands pushed the door to a solid close. “I’ll be out in a few minutes,” she yelled.

  The door creaked back open. “Thought you might need this.” He stuck his hand through the entry holding a small bottle of extra strength pain medication. He shook the bottle a little, then came inside, unscrewing the cap. “Sometimes opening these things will give you a headache in and of itself.”

  Venus held out her palm, cupping the two small capsules. He handed her a glass of water.

  “So, is it an imaginary friend you’re talking to in here?”

  “Just thinking out loud.”

  He sat on the edge of the tub. “Anything you want to share, or do you like talking to yourself?
I’ve heard only geniuses talk to themselves. Whenever you see those ranting homeless people, muttering to the air …” He made a smirk on his face that emphasized his own exhaustion.

  “So you’re saying I’m next. Pretty soon I’ll be pushing my little cart around, genius that I am?”

  “Not as long as you have me.” He scooped a fingertip of bubbles and put them on her nose. “Don’t be long. You know how mushy Thai food gets if it sits too long.” He stood in the doorway for a few extra seconds. For a moment he looked like the man who had rescued her two years ago, lifting her up when she’d been so far down. There was no mistaking, it was him. Her knight in shining armor who’d made her feel wanted and safe. So if he was the same, it must’ve been she who’d changed. He shouldn’t be punished for that.

  She sunk deeper in the tub. “Okay, five more minutes.”

  DOUBLE SHOTS

  MONDAY morning Venus sat in the corner, drinking her double espresso. Having coffee so readily available made it impossible to resist. But she’d done good, a whole weekend without caffeine, or alcohol. But Mondays required a jolt of java, plus she needed an excuse to talk to Jake.

  She saw him walk in, his soft-fitting sweater pushed up on his forearms. His slacks were well creased as always, the cuffs hanging over his thick leather shoes. He moved into the Starbucks line. She got up, stepping closer to him. “Coffee, sir.” She smiled, holding out the cup. “Please. Take it.” Her arm getting tired while he only stared.

  Jake took a deep breath and took the hot cup out of her hand. He took a sip and handed it back. “It’s really not what I had in mind this morning, but thank you anyway.”

  Venus watched as he stepped to the counter and ordered the exact same thing, “Tall, whatever’s on tap.”

  She walked past the trashcan and dropped both coffees, hers and his, inside. This day was going to be long and difficult. This business with Jake, plus her mother’s doctor appointment—just thinking about it made her tired. She ambled up the steep winding staircase.