Would I Lie to You?

by Trisha R. Thomas

  “Our baby,” he corrected her sternly

  She guided his wide hand to her stomach, placing it on the growing life inside her. “Our baby,” she agreed. “I’ll never question your love for our child. But I would always question your love for me.”

  THE last month of her pregnancy made the others look easy. She experienced the worst gas and bloating, not to mention the ankle swelling and sleepless nights. She was a walking zombie and had no one to take it out on. Airic had to leave for Boston for his new teaching position. He’d wanted to wait the pregnancy out with Venus but the new semester was going to start with or without him. His career limitations offered him no room to negotiate.

  It was for the best. At least that’s what she kept telling herself, her mother as well, who’d called to ask her to move back to Los Angeles. She didn’t like her so far away, all alone.

  “I have Wendy, Mom. And I need to be alone, to sort things out.” Venus sat on the couch with her feet propped up.

  “You’ve been alone long enough. If you haven’t got it figured out by now, you never will. You need to come home. What are you doing out there? You’re not working. It’s not like you need to be there. Just come on home.” Pauletta was in the kitchen, which was obvious from the sound of dish clatter and water running. She was back to her old self but had recently taken up swimming. She claimed to feel better than ever.

  “This is my home.”

  “Well then, I have no choice but to come there.”

  “Mom … oh, that would be nice, especially after the baby’s born, but not now. Okay?” Venus did her best to fight back the urge to cry. She was alone, frightened. Yes, this is what she’d asked for, to be able to take a minute and say, “I’m all right.” To know that she was blessed and take nothing for granted ever again, whether with someone or alone. Each moment in a day was a gift. But it was hard work, a constant self-convincing battle.

  Venus returned from her daydream to hear her mother concede, “Okay, but I want to know the minute you go into labor, the very minute. No, forget that, I’ll book my reservations for a couple of days before the due date, that way, I won’t miss anything.”

  “I kind of just had plans for Airic to be in the delivery room. I mean, it’s important for him to bond with the baby early.”

  “Right …” Here it would start again. Pauletta saw nothing to be gained by the single mother strategy. The rules were simple. Baby makes three … not two. “You need him in the birthing room but you don’t even plan to let the man live with his own child? Does that make any sense?”

  Venus rolled her eyes to the ceiling. “I better go … I’ve got a doctor’s appointment.”

  “Do what makes you happy, Venus.”

  “I try, Mom. I really do. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Venus tossed the phone to the other end of the couch. Making herself happy was what this was all about, wasn’t it?

  The baby’s due date was around the corner. She’d officially been on maternity leave for the past few weeks but had stayed out of the office once she started showing conclusive signs of unwed motherhood. She was far too old to be embarrassed, but it wasn’t something she was ready to discuss with her colleagues. The who. The what The How. Especially with Legend—he was the last person she’d wanted to bump into. Although these days, that would no longer be an issue.

  Legend and William had decided to give the entrepreneurial fight another try. She admired them for their persistence and courage to be independent. Legend had even boldly offered her a piece of the pie as if he hadn’t taken every opportunity to make her life miserable when they worked together. “I’ll give it some thought” She’d smiled and winked at him, but in her head she was screaming, Are you insane … why not just stick a pin in my eye? But she did wish him well. Someone with that much arrogance had no limits on how high they could soar.

  Venus stood up, the most painful part of her day, and stretched. Her doctor’s appointment was hours away. Wendy planned to come over and take her to The Baby Store first, a perfect place for some retail therapy since her true vice of shoe shopping had come to an end. She couldn’t fit into any of the shoes in her closet and had resorted to wearing Dearfoam slippers.

  Going up the stairs was the second most painful part of her day. She waddled directly to the room across from hers, complete with bright yellow walls and a faux blue sky with clouds, all the painting accomplished by Airic under her strict supervision. The pristine white baby furniture was fit for a prince or princess. She made the doctor promise not to let the cat out of the bag. She wanted to meet her new baby face-to-face and let him or her define his or her own future. For now she was off to get more stuff that the baby probably wouldn’t need.

  Wendy arrived nice and early with Tia at her hip. The little girl had yet to be corrupted by the entertainment and media world. She had two pigtails and wore a pink jersey running suit with little pink and white sneakers.

  “I brought you something,” she said, holding the secret behind her back.

  Venus stood at the front door, her round stomach protruding. “What? I hope it’s cookies.”

  “Nope,” she said, smiling with her two front teeth missing.

  “No cookies, then I’m closing the door.”

  Wendy stuck her hand out before Venus could pretend to close it all the way. “You better move. I have to use the bathroom.” She pushed past Venus quickly.

  “Uh oh, you pregnant too?”

  “That’s not funny.”

  Tia came in and did a sidewinder walk to the couch. She kept her hands behind her back. “Close your eyes.”

  Venus stood and put her hands over her face. “Okay, ready.”

  “Now put out your hands.”

  “I might peek.”

  “You won’t,” Tia said. “I trust you.”

  “Okay, ready.” Venus slid her hands away from her face and extended them to receive her surprise. She felt the smooth pat of Tia’s hand brush into hers and then nothing. She opened her eyes to confirm that her palms were empty. “Oookay, well thank you, Tia.” She was perplexed but felt compelled to play along.

  “It’s a wish.”

  “Oh, a wish,” Venus said, relieved. “Yippeee. I love wishes.” She stared at her open empty hands.

  “But you only have one,” Tia said, concerned she was being misunderstood.

  “One wish.”

  “So it has to be good. Mommy said when she was pregnant with me all she wished for was a happy healthy baby … and she got me.” She smiled wide, her gums glistening in the front. “What’re you going to wish for? No, don’t tell me.” She put up her hand in a stop sign. “Mommy says if you tell it won’t come true.”

  A surge Venus had been fighting all day threatened to come, giving way to a stream of tears falling down her cheeks.

  Tia hugged her as tight as she could. “Don’t worry, Venus, you’ll get your wish.”

  WISHES

  VENUS woke up, hearing her mother’s voice. “Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.” She raised up not seeing her mother at all, but the sterile white walls of a hospital room. She shifted the weight of her body, on wobbly elbows.

  “You’re awake.” The nurse came in carrying a small tray. Too small to be of any use. The paper cup was filled with orange juice and the saucer with a small stack of cookies.

  It took Venus all of that time, from the moment she’d awakened, till the nurse set the tray in front of her, to remember. Yes. She indeed had to be careful what she wished for. She had been sitting in the car, Wendy driving and Tia in the backseat, pulling into the doctor’s office parking lot when she’d blurted out, “God, I wish I could just have this baby today. I’m so tired.” Five hours later, Wendy was screaming, “Puuuussh,” and her wish was granted.

  “We’ll bring the baby in as soon as you get that juice and cookies down.” The woman was one big blur of green, her top and pants without separation. She walked over to the other side of the room, pulling back the curta
in. “How’re you doing, Mrs. Cotter?” Venus heard another woman respond. The nurse told her the very same thing … as soon as she ate her cookies.

  Venus did as she was told. It helped that she was starving, thinking to herself, if the woman in the next bed didn’t eat her cookies, she’d go after those too. She swallowed the last gulp of orange juice and sat up, eagerly waiting.

  “Here she is.” Another nurse, a short black woman, came in pushing the small square cart with the swaddled baby inside. Venus had to breathe, count backward. She couldn’t afford to keep crying every time she saw her. It depleted her of liquids, the hydration she needed to produce milk for her baby. She wiped her eyes, promising not to cry, threatening herself not to cry. She held out her arms, anticipating the weight, the warmth. Five pounds, seven ounces.

  “She’s mine,” Venus confirmed, putting her face to the baby’s head and inhaling. Her breast swelled immediately with her simple presence. “I love you, sweetheart. I love you.” Her tiny mouth opened as wide as it could go in a twisted yawn. Her tiny fingers stretched out over her head.

  “Okay, remember what I showed you early this morning. This is your last free lesson.” The nurse laughed at her own joke. “Her head goes in the crook of your arm, tilt her head, that’s right. Stroke her cheek on the side, now put it in. There you go. I know, it’s not going to hurt like that forever, just until she stops sucking.” The nurse amused herself again, leaving Venus to her own pain.

  It hurt, but it was okay. Everything was okay; from the minute she’d found out she was pregnant, it had been okay. Venus looked down on her small pinkish-brown face. Her coal black eyes, looking around, informed, curious like she’d been on this earth before and wondered if things had changed.

  Venus slid her finger to the edge of Mya’s mouth, breaking her suction. She moved the baby to the other side. The swelling of her breast felt like someone had sewn bowling balls underneath her skin, tight, heavy, stretched to the max. She’d always dreamed of having big breasts but this was ridiculous.

  “How’s she doing?” Wendy crept in, whispering. “There’s our baby.” She came to the side of the bed, kissing mommy and child. “She’s even prettier today, and so are you.”

  “I’m a mess.”

  “You’re glowing.”

  Venus let her hand slide to the roundness of her cheek. “You have to put some makeup on me. He’s coming today.”

  “Got it.” Wendy put the pouch on the edge of the bed and unzipped it “This is what you call makeup? I use more than this just to do my lips.” She shoved the three small items to the side looking for more.

  Venus looked at the plastic makeup case she’d carried since college. It held what she needed nice and compact. “Did you bring the spray and comb?”

  “Good grief, child, you just had a baby. He’s not going to be expecting you to look like a princess. But I just happen to have Wendy’s deluxe save-the-day kit” She propped the big silver box on the edge of the bed and pulled out a comb. She started working on the massive spread of hair.

  “Ooouch.” She pulled her head away from Wendy’s offending hand with a comb full of hair. Venus bit down on her lip, while the baby seemed to be biting down on her, too. She used her finger and broke the suction, pulling Mya away. “Ouch, and you too. God, that hurts.”

  “Beauty costs and so does motherhood.” Wendy commenced taming the sprawl of hair. “You know, next time you get pregnant you might want to get a perm. Hair gets thicker when you’re on those prenatal vitamins, and thicker hair is not what you needed, my dear.”

  Venus turned her face back toward Mya. She was quiet, but still awake. “She’s so amazing.”

  “Just like her mommy.” Wendy went to work pulling the hair back and collecting it into one big scrunchie. A stray curl bounced out She used a bobby pin to secure it with the rest She applied a little blush and eyeliner, then the lipstick.

  “Conservative,” Venus ordered. “I don’t want to look like Bette Davis in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?”

  “I got it”

  “Ease up on the blush.”

  “I got it,” Wendy exclaimed again, dabbing the brush for a reload of color. “So when’s the last time you talked to him?” Wendy asked as if they’d been on the subject all along.

  “You mean besides when I called to announce I’d just given birth.”

  “Yeah, exactly.”

  “A few days ago.”

  “C’mon … details.”

  “We talked like we always talk, about everything, nothing in particular. We try not to get too heavy”.

  “What exactly are you expecting from this little visit?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t expect anything.” Venus couldn’t look Wendy in the eye.

  “Good, I don’t want you to be hurt.”

  “I’m not going to be hurt,” Venus said with obvious fraud in her voice. Who was she kidding? She was most definitely expecting something to happen. She was spoiled rotten with expectation. Yes, every day was a gift, she told herself, and she was responsible for making sure she made the best out of it … period. But always, in the back of her mind, was expectation.

  “I just don’t understand.” Wendy was still stuck. “Is he the one you want to be with? I mean, this isn’t another prince-to-the-rescue reenactment? Then you get him home and realize he’s a toad.”

  Venus took Wendy’s hand and snatched the blush brush. “Just forget it. I don’t need this.”

  “What? What’re you mad at me for? I’m just trying to get it straight. I mean, you do this all the time. You make these decisions—”

  “I just told you that I’m not expecting anything. Zilch, nada, nothing. He’s my friend. He’ll always be my friend. Just like you and me, friends.”

  Wendy took the makeup back. “You don’t try to look cute for me, friend.”

  “The truth.” Venus looked in her best friend’s golden brown eyes. “The truth is, I’m not depending on him to love me. I don’t need it. I’ll survive just fine, but she …” They both looked down at Mya, who slept peacefully in her mother’s arms. “She needs a father’s love.”

  WENDY left after having stalled long enough to bump into him when he arrived. Only problem was that he never showed up. Venus and Mya lay together watching reruns of old sitcoms, trying to look adoringly like a mother-and-child Kodak moment. A commercial popped on. A bright smile of recognition came to Venus. Lila Kelly was in concert wearing the colorful JPWear clothing. When she kicked her leg out, Venus recognized the boots. She had to admit she was proud, even though it had been left to the guys to make it happen without her.

  The commercial came to a close, Lila Kelly did a high howl, threw up her hand and yelled, “You can make a difference.” A caption appeared on the screen: Your Support Goes to the Breast Cancer Foundation. She covered her mouth, overwhelmed; he’d done this for Venus, for her mother. The clothing line was a big hit. Jake kept her updated at every turn, but he never mentioned anything about the Breast Cancer Foundation. At least two things had turned out right. She looked down on Mya, glad she was one of them. By late afternoon Venus had given up complete hope. She was exhausted, needing to really sleep, especially since she was on Mya’s feeding schedule.

  Venus didn’t want to put Mya in the carrier next to the bed but knew it was the only way she could sleep, without being fearful of rolling over and smothering her precious baby. She placed the tight bundle in the carrier, turning her on her side, with a couple of blankets behind her for support as she’d seen the nurse do. She leaned back into the bed, grateful to get her feet off the cold acrylic floor.

  She stretched the cover over her shoulders and watched Mya until her own eyes fell like heavy shades. It was always the same dream. Jake. In this one, his strong arms held her, cradling her like she was the baby in need of care. Safe. She wished she could stay there forever. But no, was it time already? She struggled to pull herself awake, hearing Mya’s soft airy cry. Venus fought to get to consciousness.
She was so tired.

  “I’m coming, sweetie,” she murmured, still unable to raise her head, raise her eyelids. She felt a hand stroke across her face, pulling the hair away that had freed itself again from the bobby pin. It tickled enough to raise her blood pressure with panic. She quickly opened her eyes, still blurry. The carrier was empty. “Mya.” She sat up, ignoring the pain ringing in her stretched full breast.

  “Right here.” Airic bent over and kissed Venus on her forehead. “She’s beautiful.”

  “She is,” Venus agreed, smiling at the picture before her. Airic looked studious in his brown suede coat and tweed trousers. Back to the picture of health. No longer stressed or overworked. He held Mya, the blanket dangling past his arm.

  “I’m sorry to have missed it. I couldn’t get here yesterday; I tried.” He swayed side to side, rocking her in his arms. “She looks like me.” He smiled, almost in relief as if before now he hadn’t been truly sure.

  His confirmation suddenly made Venus feel guilty. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she’d wished for the opposite, that the doctor had estimated incorrectly, giving her a chance to proclaim Jake, the winner. It would always be lurking in the back of her mind. An awkward silence followed. Airic simply held her.

  Now would come the difficult part, expectation. She tried to let the moment be as it was … father holding daughter, father wanting to love daughter as much as she already did. Venus sat up as straight as she could, the weight of her breast pulling down on her. He instinctively leaned over to give Mya back.

  “You can hold her longer, if you want,” she said, proud of her first venture into unselfishness.

  “No. I can’t stay. I just wanted to see her, and you. Make sure everything was all right.” He walked to the window and twirled the miniblind wand. Sunlight flooded into the room. Airic was nothing more than a silhouette now, his sharp profile reminding her of the third grade assignment to sit in front of the projector while her teacher outlined the black paper.