Husk

by Dave Zeltserman

  Of course, I sent Annabelle that message before returning to Jill’s apartment. I then turned off the cellphone and hid it in her building’s laundry room. Also, before Jill got back from her college, I took a hot shower and changed into clean clothes. This wasn’t so that I could hide the fact that I had smoked weed, since at the time I didn’t realize that their world found anything wrong with doing so. It was simply that I had perspired so profusely during my day at work, no doubt aided by the cravings, that I wanted to be clean for Jill. However, when we kissed she knew I had smoked, having tasted it on my breath. Which surprised me, given the apples, potato chips, and dark chocolate I had found myself gorging on after leaving Gerard’s car.

  ‘I didn’t know you liked weed,’ Jill said after we separated from our kiss. Her tone and her expression alarmed me, as she seemed distressed by that possibility.

  ‘I had it for the first time in my life today,’ I said. ‘Gerard, someone at work, invited me to smoke a joint with him. Was there anything wrong with that?’

  She shook her head, although her expression still showed concern. ‘Did you like it?’

  ‘I did. It made me feel more chilled. As Gerard said.’

  She laughed. I guess the word ‘chilled’ did not sound as natural from my lips as it did from Gerard’s.

  ‘A little weed every once in a while is fine, as long as you don’t abuse it like an old boyfriend of mine from high school did.’ She paused, before adding, ‘If you’re going to smoke, let’s do it together. Or at least, with me around. Promise?’

  I told her that I’d do that. I decided I wouldn’t keep it secret if I smoked another joint with Gerard, as the secrets I’d already had to keep from her were bad enough, and would explain how that was required in order for me to acquire more joints from him.

  THIRTY-SIX

  Tuesday after work I ended up buying six joints from Gerard and, as he’d requested, we smoked one of them together in his car. He charged me $5 for each (I would’ve gladly paid him far more), and explained that he bought them from a friend in New Jersey.

  ‘It’s legal there for medicinal purposes,’ Gerard explained. ‘You know, like for glaucoma, cancer, bowel problems, etcetera. My buddy, he’s got his sources, so the weed he gets me is all medically approved primo stuff.’

  At this point he lit up the joint we were sharing and took his first drag, then handed it to me. His eyes grew distant, and he said, ‘One of these days when things get less fucked up we’ll be able to buy these in New York like they do now in Colorado. It’s complete bullshit that you can buy booze anywhere but not this.’

  He was done talking and turned on his car stereo and played some music from a group called Pink Floyd, which I found nearly as soothing as the Mozart music Jill played. We smoked the rest of the joint, and before we were done with it I found that the cravings had once again quieted themselves to such an extent that I didn’t notice them. I also found that I was no longer looking at Gerard as one of them.

  Later, as I was walking back to Jill’s apartment I found that Annabelle had sent me a message and another photograph. Her message said she’d been able to escape work and was waiting for me now if I could make it. As with her last photograph, this one showed her naked, but this time she had painted her face in a gruesome manner and had used the blood from her nosebleed to write an obscene message on her stomach. I dropped the phone on to the cement sidewalk and smashed it into bits with the heel of my work boot. At least, Annabelle and the sordid acts she wished us to commit were no longer going to be another secret I’d need to keep from Jill.

  That night when the cravings came back, they did so with even less strength than the previous day. Each night after that, I waited until Jill returned from her college before smoking. When Jill joined me, we’d smoke half a joint together before stubbing it out. On the other nights, I’d only smoke a quarter of a joint before putting it out, which still allowed me to inhale roughly the same amount of smoke as the two times I’d shared a joint with Gerard. Jill seemed impressed by my discipline, and even commented on it. She also noticed how much more relaxed I seemed, which was true. Each time I smoked I’d have hours of relief from the cravings, and each morning when the cravings came back they’d be less. I’d also gotten better at performing the exercise from Jill’s positive-thinking book. In my mind’s eye, I imagined the cravings withering and dying within me. I’d gotten to the point where I could almost believe that was happening, and by Monday morning they were only an irritant. While we were having our early meal together, Jill remarked how I’d be moving into my sublet apartment in just one day’s time.

  ‘We’ll be able to start officially dating then,’ she said with an impish grin.

  ‘Very true.’ I couldn’t help grinning back. We’d just had a rainy weekend, which we’d spent together reading, listening to music, sharing wine, kissing passionately, and watching Casablanca (another of Jill’s favorite movies) with Jill lying curled up on the couch against me. Saturday evening we walked as close together as two people could possibly do as we used a single umbrella in an effort to stay dry on our way to a nearby vegan restaurant. (Later, we had to make a mad dash back to her apartment, as the slanting, driving rain made the umbrella useless.) Now that the cravings had mostly quietened within my head (and more importantly, I no longer worried about them), I was ready to admit that for all practical purposes we’d been dating almost from the start.

  Monday morning, the rain had died down to a drizzle. Without the cravings driving me so furiously, I was able to work at a more even pace. I still often had to slow down because of the other workers, but it no longer bothered me to do so. Gerard, as well as some of the others, were still calling me ‘the machine’, but I could tell they were doing so good-naturedly.

  During our compulsory lunch hour, I accompanied Gerard to one of the nearby food trucks (as I had the previous Friday), where I bought a salad and he bought some sort of sandwich made with grilled pig meat. While we ate, we sat together on a bench in a small nearby park and he ranted about subjects that interested him. Although most of what he talked about was unfamiliar to me, I still found it interesting.

  Work went quickly the rest of the afternoon. Since Jill didn’t plan to be finished at her college until after eight, I would’ve liked to have gone on working, but Carl told me that, thanks to me, we were already too far ahead of schedule, so he couldn’t justify any overtime.

  When I got back to the apartment, I was surprised to find Jill waiting for me. I was also surprised by the glum mood she had fallen into. Or maybe not so surprised, because it didn’t surprise me when she told me that a police detective had met with her during the day.

  ‘It looks like Ethan disappeared sometime a week ago last Saturday,’ she said. ‘At least, that’s the last night anyone remembers seeing him.’

  ‘What do you think happened to him?’

  She shook her head. ‘His car’s gone. He hasn’t used any credit cards or taken out any money from his bank. It doesn’t look like he’s called anyone, not even anyone at work. The police detective I spoke with thinks he might’ve driven somewhere and committed suicide. That’s what he wanted to ask me about. Whether Ethan ever talked about committing suicide. And if he was going to do something like that, where he would have driven to.’

  I sat down next to her, as much to comfort her as to keep her from looking into my eyes. ‘Could he have done that?’

  ‘I don’t know. People as narcissistic as Ethan don’t usually commit suicide. They might threaten to do so to get attention, but they rarely go through with it. But that doesn’t explain why the police haven’t been able to find his car. His security system allows his car to be located. The police should’ve been able to find it, unless Ethan purposely had it removed.’

  She shook her head as if it was unfathomable that Ethan would’ve done that. I was relieved that the Brooklyn clan had been so thorough in making the car disappear, especially as his car had a tracking device.

/>   ‘Why don’t I get us some wine?’ I said. ‘And maybe some takeout food. You look like you could use it.’

  She smiled weakly. ‘That’s an excellent idea.’

  THIRTY-SEVEN

  The next morning while we were having our early morning meal together, Jill didn’t say anything about her former boyfriend, but she still seemed preoccupied (troubled?) by his mysterious disappearance. This continued to confuse me as I would’ve thought she’d be glad to know he was gone given the disrespectful and brutish way he’d treated her, but I didn’t say anything to her about it.

  After I left Jill’s apartment, I bought a newspaper and in the inside pages found a one-column story about Ethan. According to the police, he was last seen nine days ago at a bar in the Astoria section of Queens. The police were trying to determine whether he had left the bar with anyone, but for the time being they didn’t believe his disappearance was due to any suspicious activity. The article further talked about how he worked as an associate at a hedge fund, which it suggested was stressful, with long hours, and had a higher than average suicide rate. It also mentioned a recent breakup with a girlfriend of two years, and one of his coworkers told the newspaper reporter that Ethan had been depressed for days leading up to his disappearance. I breathed a little easier after reading the article. It had been in the back of my mind that a neighbor or someone else might’ve seen me while I was hiding behind the bushes at Ethan’s home, but that didn’t seem to be the case.

  Later that night, Jill continued to seem preoccupied (saddened?) as we commenced our first official date inside my new home. She didn’t say anything about Ethan, but it was obvious he was on her mind, or at least the mystery of his disappearance was. I had cooked a dinner of three-bean chili from a recipe I found in that day’s newspaper and had bought a bottle of Merlot wine that the clerk told me was excellent value for its price, but Jill only nibbled on the three-bean chili and barely took more than two sips of her wine.

  I asked her if we should go to a restaurant instead.

  She gave me a distracted look before shaking her head. ‘Charlie, the food’s really good and so is the wine. I’m sorry, I’m just in a weird mood.’ She showed me a sad smile. ‘Maybe we should postpone our first date until tomorrow?’

  I nodded, because what else was I going to do? She got up, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, and headed for the door.

  ‘Should I walk you home?’ I asked.

  The smile she showed me made my heart hurt a little. ‘Not tonight, Charlie. I’d like to be alone right now.’

  I watched her leave, and wondered what had happened between us. I’d lost my appetite also. Not just for the food, but for the wine. Fortunately, Gerard had sold me more weed cigarettes that day.

  Wednesday morning I spotted another article in the newspaper about Ethan. The police didn’t offer any further information, but the newspaper had talked to his parents and a brother, and were convinced that someone had done something to him. Other than that, though, there was no new information. Nor was there anything about the ‘Slaughter at the Caspian’ or the other two people I’d killed. There hadn’t been anything about those killings in over a week.

  I had a heavy heart all day, wondering if I had somehow lost Jill. The cravings were only a whisper now – but if I couldn’t live my life with Jill, what difference did that make? Even though I was doing work that I enjoyed and had all the books in the world to read, my life here would be pointless if Jill was gone. I worried myself sick over that possibility all day, but when I saw her later that night for our rescheduled first date I realized I had worried myself for nothing. I knew that the moment I answered the door and saw the way she smiled at me. Seconds later we were kissing passionately, and when we finally separated she tried to apologize for the previous night.

  ‘You don’t ever have to apologize to me,’ I said, my throat once again filled with a lump. I felt my face flushing hot as I looked into her eyes, which had gotten so big. ‘I saved the three-bean chili from last night. Also the wine. If you prefer, we could go out—’

  She put a finger on my lips to quiet me. ‘We’ll eat the chili later,’ she said. ‘And we’ll have the wine too. But for now there’s something I’ve been waiting weeks to do.’

  She took hold of my hand and led me to the bed. I didn’t argue with her.

  The next night Jill’s friend Brittany interrupted our second official date. This time we were at Jill’s apartment when a hard rapping sounded on the door, and then we heard Brittany’s voice frantically calling for Jill. At the time, Jill and I were smoking one of the weed cigarettes I’d bought from Gerard, and I was hoping she’d ignore her friend. But she didn’t. When Jill answered the door, Brittany breezed in, uninvited.

  ‘Oh my God! I had to come here after reading about Ethan,’ Brittany exclaimed. ‘This is just so fucking unbelievable.’

  As she emerged from the hallway and spotted me, I could tell from the glint in her eyes that she was going to be trouble. I held up the joint and offered it to her.

  ‘Thanks, Charlie, but no thanks. Not my thing. I thought you moved out on Tuesday?’

  Jill had rejoined me on the couch and slipped her hand into mine, while Brittany took the chair kitty-corner to us. ‘He did,’ Jill said, smiling at her friend. ‘We’re on our second official date.’

  ‘I’m sorry for butting in like this, but I had to see you. Have the police talked to you?’

  Jill accepted the joint from me and took a hit. After releasing the smoke, she told her friend, ‘A detective came by the college and spoke with me.’

  ‘They don’t think you’re involved?’

  ‘No, of course not. He just wanted to know about my relationship with Ethan, and I explained that it had been over for weeks. Also whether Ethan ever talked about suicide, or if I had any thoughts about where he might’ve driven to.’ Jill’s smile tightened. ‘Don’t worry, Brit, I’m in the clear. I was able to give the detective an airtight alibi. I was with my parents all weekend.’ She laughed, but as with her smile, there was a tightness to it that surprised me, given the weed we’d been smoking. ‘Besides, with the way my shoulder was wrecked that weekend, not much chance I would’ve been able to overpower Ethan.’

  ‘What do you think happened to him?’

  Jill shrugged. ‘The police think he drove someplace secluded and committed suicide. I think he’s driven someplace to hide for a few weeks so he can get attention. Whichever it turns out to be, I don’t give a fuck, and I’m not going to waste another second on him. He caused me enough turmoil and pain when we were dating, and he’s not going to cause me any more now.’

  Brittany nodded, as if she agreed with how Jill was feeling about the matter, but I caught that glint in her eyes again as she looked at me. ‘How about you, Charlie? Do you have a guess as to what happened to Ethan?’

  I shook my head. ‘No idea.’

  ‘Why are you asking Charlie that?’ Jill asked.

  Brittany pursed her lips. ‘I find it an interesting coincidence that a week after Ethan assaults you in that after-hours club, he disappears off the face of the planet the first night you leave Charlie here all by himself. It makes me wonder whether Ethan is buried somewhere in the boondocks of New Hampshire.’

  ‘You’re being ridiculous, Brit.’ Jill laughed as if what Brittany was saying was a joke. ‘Besides, Charlie didn’t even know where Ethan lived, or even what his last name was.’

  Brittany didn’t bother pointing out that Jill had referred to Ethan in the past tense, which seemed to counter her stated belief that Ethan was still alive and hiding somewhere. Instead, she picked up Jill’s address book on the small table next to her, and thumbed through it until she found what she wanted. She held the book up, which showed Ethan’s name, phone number, and address.

  ‘I’m betting he’s the only Ethan in your book,’ Brittany said.

  ‘This isn’t funny.’

  ‘I’m not trying to be funny. Jill, there’s something wron
g about him. About Charlie, I mean. I can’t say exactly what it is, but there’s definitely something off about him.’ She turned to me, smiling at me as if this were only a joke. ‘Charlie, you want to tell us where Ethan is?’

  Jill stood up, her body rigid. From where I was sitting, I could only see her in profile, but the harshness transforming her face was something I never thought I’d see in her.

  ‘If you want us to still be friends, you’d better leave now.’

  ‘Jill, you know I’m right. You’re in denial about Charlie, just like you were early on with Ethan. But if you can try being honest with yourself, you’ll admit there’s something very wrong about him.’

  ‘Get out now. I mean it.’

  Brittany made a helpless gesture with her hands. ‘Jill, please, just think about what I said. If I didn’t love you like my sister, I wouldn’t be saying it.’

  We both watched silently as Brittany got up and walked out of the apartment. Only after the door closed behind her, did Jill apologize to me for what her friend had said.

  ‘Not your fault,’ I said.

  ‘Still, she had no right to do that.’

  We had wasted a good amount of the weed cigarette thanks to Brittany. I took a long drag on it and handed what was left to Jill.

  ‘She hasn’t liked me from the start.’

  ‘No, she hasn’t.’

  Brittany had put a damper on the evening. We tried resurrecting the good feelings we had earlier, but it was hard after that. After an hour or so, we decided to reschedule our second date.