A Little Bit of Everything Lost

by Stephanie Elliot

  “Yeah. I know.” It’s all she had been thinking of.

  “And I won’t be coming home until Christmas – we go on vacation for Thanksgiving. And to get to Eastern for a weekend, well, that’s like a four-hour drive for you. But, I guess, we could see about it, see how our schedules are? I could come see you at BSU, maybe?”

  Marnie steadied her voice, hoping to sound cool. “Yeah, that would be good.” She would drive out to see him, and she had been dreaming of them visiting one another every other weekend. It could work. She wanted it to.

  “All right, cool,” he said, as if everything were settled. “So, what’s going on tomorrow?”

  “I’ve got to work.”

  “I don’t think The Bean needs you as much as I do. Can you call in sick?”

  “Okay.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  November 2004

  “I’m going to the bakery.”

  “We’re exercising here, and now you’re talking about donuts and scones?” Collette puffed air from her lungs as she caught up with Marnie, who had insisted on a power walk at the forest preserve after the boys trudged onto the bus. The two hadn’t walked together since last spring, since before Marnie had gotten pregnant, and then lost the baby.

  Marnie had spent the last five months treading life, doing what she could to simply stay afloat, and it had been so hard. So hard. To wake up and simply breathe. To wake and realize the baby she wanted wasn’t there, wasn’t going to be there. She was tired of blaming herself. She was so tired of being tired. She was tired of waking up and not having what she wanted day in and day out. Even more so, she was tired of not knowing what it was that she wanted.

  On the surface, it appeared that she had it all. A husband who worked hard to support his family, a photography business that was on the brink of being something bigger than she ever expected, two beautiful healthy children, and yes, she was forever grateful for that, and she did have her own health.

  Marnie thought maybe she was ready to try to start living again. She felt like she could finally work on getting back into life, and a walk with an understanding friend on a crisp morning would be a great start. She needed to get her soul in motion. She needed to feel like living again. Marnie could try at least. Then she had some other ideas she had to put into action.

  “So Marnie, what do you mean, you want to go to the bakery after we work out?” Collette said again.

  “No. I’m talking the bakery. His grandmother’s bakery.”

  “Are you crazy? What exactly are you planning on doing there? Order a cake that says, “Thanks for Screwing up my Young Adulthood?” Collette attempted a joke.

  “I don’t know, I could take a look around, get some info. See if anyone’s talking.”

  “What are you now, a spy?”

  “If he’s coming into town I would like to find out when. My letter to him didn’t exactly get anywhere.”

  Collette stopped in the middle of the trail, bent over and grabbed her side. “Where’d you get this sudden burst of energy today, anyway?”

  “Just keep up the pace. Are you coming or not?”

  “I’m coming, I’m coming, just give me a sec.”

  “No. I mean to the bakery. Are you coming with me to the bakery? I figured we could go on Saturday. Stuart will be home with the kids. Saturday mornings are usually pretty busy at bakeries. That’ll be best for being inconspicuous. You in or you out?”

  “Mar, it’s like an hour away.”

  “You in or you out?”

  “What if she recognizes you?”

  “His grandmother? Hell, she was halfway to dementia fifteen years ago. I met her once, barely. She doesn’t know who I am. And there’s probably no way there’s a ninety-year-old lady still running a bakery. Right?”

  “You’re delirious, you know that?”

  “Isn’t that why you’ve been hanging out with me for all these years? Because of that very reason?”

  “True,” Collette said, “And yeah, I’m totally coming with.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  August 1988

  “There’s somewhere I want to take you.”

  They never made plans, and they hadn’t really gone anywhere, except to that party, and that had been horrible, so when he said he wanted to take her somewhere, she hesitated for a second, nervous.

  “Where?”

  “You’ll see. Trust me?”

  Marnie smiled at him. Joe smiled back. Damn, that dimple of his. And those eyes. He hadn’t shaved and she reached up to touch the scratchy stubble on his cheek. What she really wanted to do was grab his arm and pull him back into the house, because school was starting back up way too soon and moments like this wouldn’t be possible much longer.

  “Mar?”

  Did she trust him?

  “Let me grab my purse.”

  They drove toward the city and Joe put Marnie in charge of the music. She grabbed the bootleg cassette of The Cure and blasted Love Song.

  “What a great song.” Joe said. “I love The Cure.”

  “Me too,” said Marnie.

  Marnie was giddy, the windows were rolled down, her hair was whipping around, Joe’s hand was on her thigh and she’d never felt happier. Why couldn’t she have met him at the beginning of summer? Why couldn’t she have met him sooner?

  And then they pulled up in front of a store. Allesiano’s Italiano Bakery.

  “What’s the deal?” Marnie asked. “We’re getting some cake?”

  “Come on.” Joe got out, and Marnie tried to hide her smile as he ran to the other side to open the car door for her.

  Joe slid his arm around Marnie’s waist and opened the door to the bakery, leading Marnie inside. Little copper bells on the door jingled. Marnie was four years old again, wishing for a smiley-face cookie, wanting to press her nose against the glass cases of pastries. Pretty rows of cupcakes and cookies flanked donuts and Italian desserts. She remembered being a child and always licking frosting from cupcakes first and her stomach spontaneously growled.

  “There are gingerbread cookies!” she reached for Joe’s hand. “It smells awesome in here!”

  “Rosalee!” Joe greeted the woman behind the counter. “Where’s Nonna?”

  “Joey! Ah, Joey! You’re here!” The woman named Rosalee wiped her hands on her well-worn embroidered apron, and moved from behind the counter. She hugged Joe and looked toward Marnie.

  “I’m Rosalee.”

  “This is Marnie, Aunt Rosalee. Marnie, my Aunt.” Joe made the introductions. “This is our family’s bakery.”

  “You never told me you had a bakery!”

  “A big family secret.”

  Marnie turned her attention to Rosalee. “So nice to meet you, Rosalee. This place is wonderful.”

  “Where’s Nonna, is she in the back?” Joe asked.

  “Who’s looking for me?” From behind the kitchen came an Italian voice, and then an older woman with gray hair and eyes the same hazel color as Joe’s appeared in the doorway. Her eyes lit up and her face softened. “Joey! Mio Nipote!”

  “Nonna! I brought a friend for you to meet.”

  The woman came over and squeezed Joe, hugged and kissed him like she hadn’t seen him in more than a year. “Why you no shave your face?” She pinched his cheeks playfully. Marnie stood there feeling out of place for a split second, and then Nonna turned her attention to her.

  “And who is this young lady?”

  “Marnie, this is my Nonna, my grandma. Nonna, this is my girlfriend, Marnie.”

  Marnie’s heart stopped. It just stopped. Joe had said it. He called her his girlfriend. She felt the grin spread across her face, and the heat rise from her neck. She was positive she was turning bright red, but there was nothing she could do about it.

  “It’s so very nice to meet you… ”

  “You call me Nonna Lucy. Please.”

  “Thank you. So nice to meet you, Nonna Lucy.”

  “Nonna,” Joe interrupted, “Can
we get some treats to go? We’re going to the pier before it gets too dark. Maybe see the sun set.”

  “Ah, my Joey, such a romantic! And so cute, don’t you think so, Marie?” She turned to the cases and started speaking in Italian to Rosalee. Joe turned to Marnie.

  “Hey, don’t worry about her getting your name wrong. She’s got the onset of Alzheimer’s. I can tell she really likes you though.”

  “How do you know?” Marnie asked.

  “Because. I just do.” He squeezed her hand and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

  “Because why?”

  “Because, I’ve never brought anyone else to the bakery.”

  **

  Late afternoon air filled her lungs as Joe led Marnie through the kiosks where vendors shouted after them, “Buy a necklace for your sweetheart!” or “Come try some Italian ice!” They ignored them all, but carried two large coffees and their white wax bag filled with pastries especially chosen for them by Nonna.

  Marnie hadn’t been out on the pier in ages, not since she had gone with a bunch of girlfriends forever ago. She had ridden the Ferris wheel back then, not fearing the height, jutting out her face to feel the cool wind as the pink sky flew by.

  The cool late summer air tickled her skin, and she shivered. “Want my sweatshirt?” he asked. She nodded, and they stopped near a picnic bench to put down the coffees and pastries. Joe pulled off his gray Eastern University sweatshirt. His tight muscles showed through his Gap tee. The summer wind whipped around them fast, and Marnie saw goose bumps on his skin. Instead of handing the sweatshirt to her, he gathered it around the neck and raised it over her head. Marnie ducked through the hole, reaching for the sleeves. Once the sweatshirt was on, Joe pulled at the wrists of it, straightened them, and fixed the neck, pulling wisps of her hair out from underneath. Then, he drew his fingers toward her forehead, and brushed the hairs that had tangled along her eyelashes. She spit out a wisp of hair that had caught into her mouth.

  “You’re so cute.” Joe laughed.

  Her heart did that fluttery twisty thing that moved all the way down to the pit of her stomach. The crazy thing was her heart hadn’t stopped fluttering since his fingers touched her that very first night.

  When Joe was done fixing the shirt, they grabbed their coffees and treats, he took her hand, entwined his fingers through hers, and they began the long walk to the end of the pier. She saw the city’s skyline and pointed to the Sear’s Tower.

  “I’ve never been to the top, you know,” she said.

  “I’ll take you to the top someday,” he said. “Well actually, the John Hancock building is better. I’ll take you there.”

  “You will?”

  “Sure, maybe over winter break. You can see all the Christmas lights and everything from up there. We have family brunch downtown every year. It’s awesome at the top.”

  “You promise?”

  “Promise.”

  Marnie’s heart fluttered, and she stopped to take a long swallow of her coffee. Joe bent to kiss her. She tasted coffee and milk, and she couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face.

  “You’re smiling,” he said.

  “So?”

  “So. I like it,” and he bent to kiss her again.

  They continued walking as gulls overhead cawed and swooped into the water, searching for fish. Little kids tossed bread into the water, and the birds got louder.

  “They’re so obnoxious,” Joe commented.

  “The kids or the birds?”

  “Both.”

  They continued to walk, the clunking of their shoes along the cement and the squawking of the birds the only sounds for a while.

  “How did work go for you on Sunday?” Marnie asked.

  “It was fine. Caddying all day sucked and I was hungover, but the tips were good. The night event was boring. This one hot waitress kept hitting on me.”

  Marnie didn’t know what to say. She waited.

  “But don’t worry. She’s not all that great.” Pause. “Not when I have you.”

  She smiled, grateful the moment passed where she had felt that jealousy swell inside. He squeezed her hand and they continued walking.

  He slid his fingers in and out of hers, playfully, and in doing so, Marnie felt her low abdomen grip. How could he stir such feelings with just a touch to her hand? She had gone from jealousy to aroused in less than thirty seconds. How did he evoke such emotion in her all of the time? He brought her fingers to his lips and kissed the pinky, then brought it back down.

  The pier was emptying, and the sun slid away, hidden from the old brick building that housed a tot’s play area, a museum, some eating venues and shops. She had never remembered this as such a romantic place when she was younger, probably because she had never been to the pier with someone she was falling in love with. She remembered days where she would run ahead with a friend while her parents lagged behind, plopping cotton balls of spun sugar into her mouth, pointing to boys who were fishing, their pants slung low. “Oh, that one’s cute,” they had remarked to one another. She had always been looking for a boy, a guy to maybe fall in love with her, even when she was twelve.

  Now, she wondered if this was it.

  By the time they had passed the last kiosk before the end of the pier, things were winding down. Shoppers went indoors for dinner, merchants pulled down canvas walls to cover up their wares for the night, and small children begged their parents to carry them because they were tired of walking. The wind picked up and clouds gathered. The sky had become purplish pink with tints of gray and patches of dark yellow-orange. White clouds hovered above it all. It was beautiful.

  “Let’s at least walk to the end.” Marnie said. “I’ve never gone all the way.”

  Joe looked at her, his eyes binding hers. “Yeah you have. You certainly have.”

  “Like you don’t like it,” she teased back.

  “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” Their flirtatious banter brought more of the tingling feeling to her insides, but this time, it sunk much lower. How could he do this to her, have so much control over what she was feeling just by saying a few words. This time, she pulled at his hand and led him to the end of the pier.

  They found an empty bench and sat. Joe opened the white bag and took out a cannoli. “I think you’ll like this one,” and he lifted it up to Marnie’s lips.

  She took a bite and chewed. It was gooey and creamy and she wanted to eat it all right there because she was starving. He said, “Want another bite?”

  “Yep! That’s amazing.”

  “What if I make you beg for it?”

  “Come on, don’t make me do that!” Marnie said.

  “Just say, ‘Give it to me,’” Joe laughed.

  “Give it to me.”

  He gave another taste to Marnie, grabbed a cannoli for himself and the two sat and ate. Their thighs touched, and they looked out into the water and Marnie swung her legs and ate the sweets and drank her coffee. Joe told silly jokes and tales of the bakery when he was little and they laughed and laughed until their coffee was gone and the white pastry bag was empty.

  When it was time to go, Marnie stood up and looked out over the water. The breeze prompted her to lift her arms and pull her head back, to take in the senses of her surroundings. The wind whipped at her and seagulls continued to swoop. She couldn’t help but smile, especially when Joe came up from behind, and wrapped his strong arms low across her hips, pulling her body up against his. Marnie reached her arms behind Joe’s back and linked her hands together, behind him. She could feel him, all of him, pressed against her body, and that low tingling feeling turned into an ache. He must have felt it too, because he nuzzled his stubbly chin against her neck and she could smell coffee and pastries and his cologne all mixed together.

  “Oh God, I want you,” he whispered into her ear, the wind whipping all around them.

  She turned around, and found his lips, opening her mouth right away, needing to feel a part of him inside of her,
his tongue in her mouth. They kissed for a long while, hard, and he reached his hand underneath her shirt and grabbed at her, squeezing hard. Joe found a nipple and caressed her while Marnie moaned softly and pressed further into him.

  His hands eased to her low back and he pulled her to him tighter. His mouth trailed her neck, bit at her earlobe, and he moaned in her ear, sending shivers throughout her whole body, “Oh Marnie. How can you do this to me? Why do you do this to me?”

  This moment, this would have been the absolute most perfect moment for her to say it, to just let it out. To say, Because I love you.

  But she couldn’t.

  There was no way she would open up her heart, her soul, her whole self to him with those words. Because as much as she thought he felt it too, she wasn’t about to set herself up for the fall. She needed to be sure that he felt the same way before she exposed herself to him that way. She could open up to him fully physically, but emotionally, he would have to be the one.

  She wouldn’t be first.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  November 2004

  Jeremy was at the table doing homework and Trey was egging him on, telling him he had already finished his work, and that he was going to go outside and play in the snow. Which was crazy, Marnie thought, because nothing had stuck to the ground yet. It had only been a light dusting.

  “I’m already done with my homework!” Trey taunted Jeremy.

  “Well, yeah, that’s because you have baby homework. Third grade’s a whole lot tougher than first. What’s six times eight anyway?” Jeremy asked.

  Marnie saw Trey touch his fingers together, and knew he was trying to figure out the math equation. When he got frustrated, he did what he always did; his eyes started to cloud up and Marnie knew the tears would start any minute. Jeremy knew this was exactly what would happen, and he smuggled a grin behind his math sheet.

  “Mooommmmm! Why does he have to be smart more than me!?” Trey cried.

  “Jeremy. Enough. Next time, that’s it. You’ll be grounded from… from… ” She thought for a second and came up with something sufficient. “No more Xbox the rest of the week if you pull this crap again!”