“You know what I mean.” Stuart continued, “Look, I don’t get that much time with the boys and you as it is. Call me selfish, but I love you guys. I’m not willing to share myself with another person.”
“Stuart! That ‘other person’ would be a baby, our baby; a part of our family, not some hobo off the street!”
“You know what I mean.”
“No. I don’t. And I don’t really like the way you’re thinking.”
“Look, I’m tired. I’m not up for this discussion. Can we talk later?”
He turned his attention to the football game on ESPN. Marnie sat silently on the couch.
Jeremy, still on the floor with the Star Wars Lego set, looked up. “Does this mean we’re definitely getting a dog? Cuz I have a name picked out and everything… I heard someone call their dog this the other day and it sounded really cool. They were yelling for their dog who got away in the park and they said, ‘Get over here BASTARD!’”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
August 1988
He arrived at her house, arms filled with yellow and purple chrysanthemums, and Marnie’s throat tightened at the sight of him, and at the flowers. He knew they were her favorites. He remembered. He wanted this to work. He must or else he wouldn’t have gone to the trouble to bring her the flowers. Marnie took the flowers and placed them on the foyer table. Joe came toward her, looking at her so intently, her breath caught in her throat.
“Hey, you,” Joe said.
A lump formed and she tried to swallow it down, to push it from her lungs so she could find her breath. He touched her hair and pulled her into him, into his strong arms, and she sucked in the air around them, smelling the whole of him, breathing in the scent of his cologne, putting it to memory, until she could steal another moment like this because she didn’t know when, or even if, that next moment would come.
She had never, ever felt this way about anyone, never gone to the depths of her soul with someone else the way she had gone with Joe. Never had she been so intimate with another person. She wanted to believe this was going to work, with each of them at different schools, but she was so confused. She didn’t want summer to end.
She had a strong desire to throw it all out there, to tell him everything she was feeling; to actually say those words she was still convinced he had said to her. If only he would say them again. She wanted to hear him say it again, because, there was no doubt in her mind that the words would tumble from her and she would confess her feelings free and wholly to him, positive they were real and true.
Instead, on this last day together, they said nothing. He searched her face, drawing a line with his finger from her earlobe to her neck and across her shoulder blade. She chilled, goose bumps spiked. “Let’s go to your room,” he whispered, close in her ear, pulling her to the stairs, the stairs where he had been hard and rough that one time. She was going to make sure this time was nothing like that. She wanted to make sure he would have something to bring with him, to remember what he had with her. What they had together. She didn’t want to think that this would be their last time.
In her room, she closed the sheers and turned on the boom box. Terrence Trent D’arby sang from the speakers – signing his name across her heart, or something like that. She went to him, and helped him out of his shirt. He lay on the bed and Marnie began tracing the letter M across his chest.
He shivered. “What are you doing?”
“What the song says.” And then, “You have to remember me, okay?” She felt timid, and immediately mad for exposing herself this way. She wanted him to be the one saying these things to her, to tell her not to forget him, to make plans for winter break, plans for them to be together.
“I will.” He reached for her and pulled off her shirt. “Nice bra.”
“Thanks.”
“Take it off?”
“You.”
Joe grinned up at her from the bed. He lifted his arms and found his way to the back of her bra, unhooked it, and helped Marnie free from it. She lowered her body and pressed into him, both of them shirtless, feeling each other’s skin. They lay there, not talking, quietly breathing, drawing in the air between them, feeling skin against skin, her head tucked near his, their eyes connected, searching each other out, looking deeper, as Marnie tried to understand what was happening. She felt his heart thumping but stayed quiet. If she had to die like this, this close to him, she could go right now, and be satisfied that she had lived.
Minutes could have passed, or hours, or days even in Marnie’s mind, and while the songs continued to play around them, there was no sense of time. He removed her skirt and underwear, and then took off his pants, all the while kissing. He was tender with her, with all of her, a first, as he searched her body. He took his time, touched her everywhere, struck a nerve with every single flutter of his fingers, the softness of his hands, with every touch of his lips. Her eyes were closed. She wanted to feel his every touch, taste his every kiss, be with his every move.
Remember everything.
When she was ready, he still took his time, unlike ever before. He settled himself onto her, and pressed his body once again to her beating heart. The sharpness of him ruptured her, she felt capsized, spilling into the seas, ocean filling her lungs.
She no longer needed oxygen to live.
Chapter Thirty
The Pregnancy – January 2004
Marnie never really expected the pregnancy test to turn up positive. When it did, she wrapped the test, the instructions, and the box in tin foil. She was barefoot and it was below freezing but she didn’t bother with a coat. She took the evidence out back and buried it in the trash, her hands shaking, her feet numb and wet from the cold snow.
She hadn’t felt any different, and at only five weeks it was easy to pretend it was a mistake. The line was barely visible, so perhaps her period was coming. Her boobs were tender, she was moody; maybe she was that one percent that was the negative positive. Stuart would freak out if she was pregnant. He was adamant about not adding to their family. But he also knew they hadn’t been using anything and the timing hadn’t been good. He was a grown-up, so he can’t blame her for this. It takes two.
Marnie had to figure out the right time to tell Stuart, how to convince him that this was a good thing – that this would be wonderful for their family. Because this was what Marnie believed was missing.
She knew the boys would be thrilled. Having another child in the house would be chaotic, yes, but there would be more laughter, more activity, more presence, more life, and that’s what the family needed. This was what Marnie needed.
As it was now, things were so… Marnie couldn’t even describe it. Things were so static. Stale. Same old, same old. Monday through Wednesday was Marnie and the boys. Thursday through Sunday, Stuart home, the family intact, which was blessedly nice and normal and good, but put a baby into the house, and that would bring some of the happiness back that had been there before. Liven things up.
Marnie knew though, that it was very early in the pregnancy, and that anything could happen, and she had to figure out a way to gently prepare Stuart. He was always so stressed. Plus Marnie was pretty stunned herself, not thinking that she would actually become pregnant, just always hoping. Knowing what happened in college, and already being blessed with two healthy children, Marnie was always cautious with her pregnancies. She knew the amount of guilt and anxiety she would carry with her the next nine months would be insurmountable, but that was something she was willing to deal with.
With that in mind, Marnie decided she would tell Stuart she was pregnant after the twelve-week mark, when everyone knew the chances of miscarriages dropped dramatically.
Chapter Thirty-One
September 1988
It was as if he never existed.
Marnie was back at school, living in the same suite as she had freshman year, with her same roommate, Devon, who she loved, and her suitemates, the Rah-Rah sorority girls, Whitney and Lindsay, who she hated. At l
east they were separated by a shared bathroom. Her class schedule was nothing too exciting – math, English, a biology course she was afraid she would fail, and art history. The one course she was looking forward to had been an advanced photography class, but now, she wasn’t looking forward to anything at all.
She had been in school for three weeks and had not heard from Joe. Twenty-two days actually. Not a call, not a letter, nothing. Marnie was from the school of “You Don’t Call the Boy No Matter How Into Him You Are.” No matter what. She just wouldn’t. Plus, she didn’t have his number at school. But he had hers. She’d written it in the card she gave to him on their last night together, and he’d promised to call her, promised they’d see each other once they were back in school, but he hadn’t even called.
It was as if he had never tornadoed into her world.
He whirled into her life, tore into her mentally, physically, emotionally, body and soul; he had taken everything, and then, nothing.
**
Sophomore year felt no different than freshman year. The social options were as unoriginal and typical as they had been the previous year: dorm parties with geeky kids and AC/DC music, or techno-pumped, music-filled, frat-house keggers. Stupid frat boys who would do anything to cop a feel, grind up against girls as they moved toward the keg.
Another Friday night found its way into Marnie’s life and Devon eyed her across their dorm room. “Get up, you’re going out tonight,” Devon said.
“I can’t.”
“You’ve been moping around here for three weeks. You’re getting up and we’re going to Kyle’s frat house.”
Devon dragged Marnie to her boyfriend’s frat party, insisting she forget about “this Joe guy.” Ever since last year, Devon had wanted to set Marnie up with her boyfriend Kyle’s frat brother, Tyler. Last year, Marnie had totally been up for it. Tyler drew looks from every girl on campus without trying to do so, but Devon’s matchmaking had come too late in the semester and then it was summer so nothing had happened.
But that night, in the dank basement of the frat house, in her booze-induced state, three weeks of self-pity, and not a word from Joe, Marnie reconsidered her unrequited summer love.
It was painfully obvious she had meant nothing to Joe. She was beginning to chalk up the whole Joe thing to a summer fling, and the more she thought about it, the angrier she became. Obviously, Marnie had been nothing to Joe.
New Order’s Bizarre Love Triangle blared while coeds danced and beer flung from cups. Frat boys spider-webbed girls as they made their way to the one stank toilet; a couple mashed in the hallway as others shoved their way through to the keg as if it was the last available drinking water in the Sahara. Cigarette smoke fogged the room and Marnie wished to be anywhere but there.
Kyle and Tyler offered to refill their cups and Marnie handed hers to Tyler willingly. She was desperate to get drunk, if only to forget.
“Be right back girls,” Kyle said.
When they were out of earshot, Devon asked Marnie, “You doing okay?”
“Been better, but I guess I need to be out.”
“Look Marn, you gotta just forget about that guy already. I mean, we’ve been back at school almost a month, honey.”
“I know.”
“And Tyler’s totally into you. I see the way he’s been looking at you,” Devon said. “You think he’s cute, don’t you?”
“Dev,” Marnie shook her head.
Before Marnie could say anything else, Devon pulled her toward the guys. “Come on, let’s go do some shots!”
**
A couple of Jaeger shots and three beers later, Tyler’s attention began to wear Marnie down. Kyle and Devon had gone upstairs and Tyler had been very attentive to Marnie all night. For as crappy as she had been feeling ever since school started, it was nice to have the attention, even if she couldn’t stop thinking of Joe.
“Didn’t we have anthropology or astrology together last year?” Tyler asked.
“Maybe.”
“Did you rush? You shoulda rushed. I bet you would have gotten into Tri Sigs for sure. You totally seem Tri Sig quality.”
“Why?” Marnie looked at Tyler suspiciously, “If you can’t get lucky, try Sigs?”
Tyler laughed at Marnie’s attempt at a joke. “No, not at all, just that the Tri Sigs are all good looking girls, that’s all I meant by that.”
Mar nodded and Tyler moved in closer. The music got louder and Tyler got cuter.
“You know you’re hot, right, Marnie? I was totally into you last year.” He whispered into her ear. A touch to her shoulder and goose bumps sprang.
Marnie took another drink from her clear plastic cup, and smiled, desperate to push Joe from her mind. Desperate to remind herself that he wasn’t here. That he didn’t care about her.
“Why didn’t that ever happen?” Tyler asked.
Marnie shrugged. Another long sip. The more she drank, the less she cared. About a lot of things.
Yes, Tyler was hot. Yes, Marnie knew other girls would quit their sororities to be in his target range like this. Yes, Marnie was just drunk enough to let him kiss her on the neck and then lead her by the elbow toward the stairs.
Marnie caught herself stumbling on the way up, and leaned into Tyler.
“Hey big frat boy, you better hold onto me or I’m gonna slip!” she slurred, grabbing onto his biceps. He didn’t feel like Joe. Tyler’s arm was thick, more muscular. She wasn’t sure she liked it. Joe’s arms had been smooth and tan. An internal banter in Marnie’s head started, told her to shut the fuck up, that Joe wasn’t here. That maybe, he never had been.
Up in his room, Tyler put on Poison’s Every Rose Has Its Thorn. Had Marnie been sober, she would have outright laughed. She flopped onto the bed, closed her eyes and saw her world spin. She reached out her arm to settle herself, and Tyler sat next to her and rubbed her thigh. A noise came from Marnie’s lips and Tyler leaned into her.
Marnie felt lips on hers and she responded a bit, then laughed, because it felt so awkward. Not like with Joe.
Marnie tried to bring herself above the fog that was closing in on her.
“I don’t feel well,” she said.
“I can fix that,” Tyler replied. With her eyes still closed, she felt Tyler move off the bed. Marnie thought he was going to get her some aspirin and then let her sleep. Maybe he would go downstairs and leave her alone.
Instead, she felt him come back to the bed. Marnie’s mouth didn’t work. Her tongue was a wad of cotton, and she tried to say something but Tyler’s mouth covered hers, and while he kissed her, she gave up and tried to imagine it was Joe’s mouth on hers.
It was nothing like Joe.
She put her hands onto Tyler’s chest to tell him she didn’t want that. “I just wanna sleep.”
His lips were near her ear. “Okay, Marnie, whatever you want.” She shivered as he spoke. “I’m going to make you feel so good, and then you can sleep. I promise. It’ll feel so nice and good.”
Her brain spun, trying to get hold of what was happening. Marnie forced her mind to shut off. She closed her eyes and imagined it was Joe there, feeling her, caressing her, rubbing her breasts over her shirt, and then his hands were under her shirt and unclasping her bra. It wasn’t that bad, but he really wasn’t doing it the right way. She wanted to tell him to do it the other way, the right way. She wanted to tell him if he wasn’t going to do it right, then to stop.
Why was Joe doing this to her? This way? It was all wrong.
She felt what was happening but kept telling herself it really wasn’t. As her mind turned away, she heard the noises: the lock of the door, another swig of beer, a drawer being opened, and then he was next to her again.
She heard the foil wrapper opening, and the sound of him rolling a condom onto himself. Her eyes were still closed, but she felt what was happening. He hiked up her skirt, rubbed her thighs, and moved his hands along the back of her ass. Then, he moved her underwear to the side. Not even taking her under
wear off. Just moved them to the side.
“Ty… stop… I don’t wanna… ”
“Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you.”
He thinks I’m a virgin.
And while she let out a small noise, almost a laugh, like he had no clue at all, he slipped himself into her, unexpected, yet not. Not really.
Marnie let out a gasp that might have sounded like a sigh.
“I told you it would feel good, didn’t I?”
**
Marnie’s eyes fluttered as the sun jolted her into the morning, into the reality of the night before. She remembered, but didn’t want to. She was in Tyler’s room, entangled in navy colored sheets.
The drums would not stop banging in her head, and even through the massive hangover, what was worse was the feeling that somehow she knew she had done something really, really wrong. And this made her stomach churn.
She turned and hugged the wall, to move further from Tyler, who was naked and breathing steadily next to her, his foul breath too close to her face. She wanted to get out of the bed, but that would wake him up, she was sure of it. Trapped.
Marnie lay still. If there was ever a time she wanted the floor to open up and swallow her whole, it was now. Every part of her body throbbed, from inside out. She felt like she should have said no, knew that she should have, could have said no.
Why hadn’t she said no?
And if she had, would he have stopped?
**
Of course, Marnie blamed herself. She had laughed at his jokes, drank the beers he brought her, made out with him. She went to his room. She lay on the bed. That’s practically asking for it. When Marnie got back to her suite later, Devon pounced, full of questions.
“So, how was it? You’re totally into him aren’t you? I knew it! Kyle called. He said Tyler didn’t understand why you bolted from his room when he went to the bathroom? He said he wanted to take you to breakfast! Didn’t you have a good time? I mean, you stayed the whole night.”
A Little Bit of Everything Lost Page 10
