“I need a shower,” was all Marnie could get out.
Marnie walked past their beds toward the bathroom they shared with the bopsy twins. In the shower, she sank to the floor and let the water rush over her. The water scorched and the tears that came were just as hot.
What the fuck was she turning into? Why the hell had she let that happen? Marnie had to get control.
Not only did Marnie blame herself, she blamed Joe. For as much as she missed him, she was in an angry fury, pissed he swept into her life, disrupted it, made her feel like she had never felt in her life, and then, swoosh! He left her, open, vulnerable, wanting. Alone.
He had fucked up her life. She had been absolutely, completely fine without him. But he gave her what he wanted to, what he felt like sharing, and then left. She had been living, breathing, thinking, sleeping him over the summer. Now he was gone, back at school, back to his own life, doing whatever he did, wherever he did it, to whomever he felt like doing it to.
She was a wreck, and what had happened in Tyler’s room just proved to her even more so. She had to, needed to talk to Joe. If only to hear him tell her it had just been a summer thing, and that it was over. She needed closure. She couldn’t go on like this. She just wanted to hear him say she was nothing to him so she could get on with her life.
Because the way she was behaving at school was not the way for her to get on with her life.
Chapter Thirty-Two
The Pregnancy – February 2004
It was easy to forget she was pregnant this time around. She didn’t look pregnant, didn’t even feel pregnant, and unlike with Jeremy and Trey, she had no morning sickness, incidentally making her almost positive she was carrying the daughter she had always hoped for. Marnie was tired, sure, but not unusually so, not much more than the typical exhaustion of caring for rambunctious little boys with an almost never-present dad.
Marnie had also not gained any weight yet. She was walking a few times a week with Collette after their kids went to school, but they had moved indoors at the gym now that it was winter. Collette hadn’t noticed a weight gain, because she would have said something if she had. She was that type of friend. Instead, she commented on the exact opposite.
“You look great Marnie, what are you doing differently?”
“Nothing, just walking with you.”
“Seriously? No secret trainer sessions? Or are you drinking Red Bull now?” Collette joked.
“Well, I’m taking some new vitamins, maybe that’s it.”
“Ooh, you’ll have to tell me what kind!”
Marnie was sure Collette would not want to start taking prenatal vitamins so she kept her mouth shut.
Weekends were so crazy; it seemed there was never a good time to sit down with Stuart and tell him she was pregnant. Plus, if she was being honest, she was scared to death to tell him. But also, every weekend was packed. Marnie was building up her photography business, attending local trade shows, and taking photos for friends for free to showcase on her nowlive website. She knew marketing for the business would be the toughest part and needed to get her name and product out there. When she wasn’t taking pictures, she was working on creating a brand for herself.
Whenever it did seem like the right time to talk to Stuart about the pregnancy, one of the boys would come in with a joke, or Trey wanted help building an airplane Lego set. Or there’d be sporting events, play dates or neighborhood activities. Sometimes Marnie wanted a quiet evening to sit and think on her own. To get used to the idea herself that she was growing a baby.
One early Sunday morning, Stuart and Marnie woke to a brilliant and quiet snowstorm. It was one of those storms where Marnie knew they’d make a fire later, and they’d eat soup and warm loaves of bread for dinner. The kids would lay on the floor and do Legos, and Marnie and Stuart would read the paper and drink coffee all morning.
Marnie felt Stuart rustle next to her under the covers and then he reached for her, and pulled her close.
“Mmmm. How are you?” he asked, his breath warm and soft.
“Good. Good morning,” Marnie mumbled into his neck.
“I’ve missed you. It seems like we’re running in two different directions all the time.”
“I know.” Marnie snuggled into him as Stuart caressed her neck.
“It doesn’t help that you’re usually on the other side of the country half of the week, and I sleep alone.” She tried a gentle smile, even though she knew he wouldn’t be able to see it.
They lay there for a while, feeling the closeness of one another, surrounded by the stillness of their home. Stuart pulled her closer and felt all of her; he rubbed her back, gently at first, and then longingly. Finally, he held her at arm’s length to look at her. And he really looked at her. For a long time. It was such a long time, Marnie finally broke his gaze and asked, “What?”
“I miss you all the time when I’m gone. I want you to know that. I wish I didn’t have to be gone. I love you so much.”
Marnie kept her head down, her eyes squeezed shut. She felt the burning sensation of tears spread through her face. The sensation started at the tip of her nose and moved toward the edges of her eyes. She swallowed hard.
Stuart pulled her closer, encircling his arms around her, so that Marnie’s face was in his shoulder. That’s when she said it.
“Baby.”
“Yes?” Stuart said.
The tears slid down her cheeks then, she knew she couldn’t stop them, and the words caught in her throat. She tried it again, “Baby… we… ”
He didn’t know she was crying yet.
“It’s okay, the boys are still sleeping. They won’t hear us.”
“No.”
He took her chin in his palm and lifted her face and saw that she was crying, and she took a breath and said it again.
“Baby. A baby. I’m pregnant.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
October 1988
Marnie couldn’t get her focus. Ever since what happened with Tyler, she was even more withdrawn, practically numb. In between classes, she spent her time lying on her bed, drinking diet Coke and watching episodes of MTV’s Real World and Remote Control, rarely joining Devon and her other friends downstairs for dinner, surviving on microwave popcorn and packets of peanut butter crackers.
Sometimes she would take long walks around campus, meandering through the art history building or stopping by the photography classroom to look at the work displayed there. She wished she had the energy to take her camera out, to shoot photos, but she didn’t. She didn’t think she could capture any emotion other than sadness. She didn’t want to take pictures of that kind of stuff.
She made up lame excuses to not go out on the weekends. She was pummeled emotionally, felt rotten physically, blamed herself for everything that had happened to her.
“What’s going on?” Devon asked countless times. “Was this guy Joe really that great? Tyler’s totally into you and he’s such a good guy. He really likes you.”
“You don’t understand. I don’t understand. I can’t believe he’s not calling. I just don’t get it. We spent every single moment we could together, and the fact that it’s like I didn’t even exist to him… ”
“Maybe something happened to him?” Devon offered.
“I don’t know,” Marnie said. “We were like how you and Kyle are, but in such a short amount of time. We connected, really connected, and so fast. I know it sounds crazy to say, but it’s almost like we couldn’t breathe without one another. I felt that way at least. Apparently, he’s breathing fine on his own,” Marnie held back tears.
Tyler kept calling. Devon intercepted most of the calls, and Devon would tell Marnie that he really liked her, that he wanted to take her out, but Marnie kept saying no.
Every time the phone rang, Marnie hoped it was Joe. Once, when less-evil bopsy-twin roomie Lindsay came into the room to tell her she had a call, Marnie’s heart began to race, hoping that it was finally Joe calling.
&nb
sp; “Do you know who it is?” Marnie whispered to Lindsay.
“Who’s calling?” Lindsay asked into the phone.
“It’s Tyler.” Lindsay mouthed to Marnie.
“Don’t wanna talk.” Marnie replied.
“I can’t keep telling him you’re not here!” Lindsay held the mouthpiece of the phone tight and low, so Tyler couldn’t hear. Marnie didn’t want to talk to him but took the phone from Lindsay anyway.
“What?” Marnie snapped into the phone.
“Uh… well, hello to you too,” Tyler said.
“Why are you calling me?”
“I just, well, I guess… I wanted to see if you wanted to get together again. I mean, like go out and do something. Maybe with Devon and Kyle?”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think so. I was a mess that night. That whole night was bad. I was just really drunk. It shouldn’t have happened.”
“Well, I guess that makes me feel better. I mean, I wanted to talk to you about that night and all.”
“What about it?” Marnie knew she was being rude, but after Joe, she didn’t want to put herself out there for anyone.
“I just, well, I thought we were… and you know, I thought we were getting along really great that night, and that you uh, were feeling the same way about everything, and if you weren’t, well then, I’m really sorry if you didn’t want to do that.”
She softened a bit. “I do like you, but it wasn’t what I wanted that night, so that’s really cool of you to say. But seriously, my head’s not on straight these days, even before that. I’m what you would say, just a little screwed up lately.”
“Yeah well, still, I’m sorry. If you ever feel like getting unscrewed, give me a call.”
Marnie actually laughed. “It might be awhile, but thanks Tyler. I mean that.”
“Take it easy then. Bye.”
**
Homecoming came and went. While others were outside in the Quad basking in the fall weather, attending football games, parties and college events that would become memories to be recalled upon years from then, Marnie sat in her dorm room, shrinking further into herself. Classes blended into one another, and Marnie found she was missing them more often than she attended. She stopped waiting by the phone, convinced that Joe had either never felt anything for her, which made her hate him, or that he had died in a tragic accident, because those had to be the only reasons he wouldn’t have called her. She imagined him dead, and that made her feel a little better, to imagine that he had loved her, but had died. She would rather think that, than think he had never felt anything for her, which made her want to feel nothing but hate for him.
Finally, she started going out again to places where tequila shots and cheap Long Island Iced Teas made her forget for a little while. Being drunk numbed her, and in doing so, Tyler became something of an interest, or maybe a distraction, as his not-so-subtle attention began to wear her down.
He was always with Kyle, who was always with Devon, and he’d show up at her dorm, or she’d see him on campus, or out at the bars. Now that Marnie was going out again, it was hard to resist Tyler’s good looks and attention, especially when the alcohol was flowing. He was available, handsome, and obviously very into Marnie. There was no sign that Joe was ever going to get in touch with her.
She was lying on Tyler’s bed late one night, buzzed but not quite wasted, and he was going through his cassette tapes when he pulled out The Cure.
“How about this one?” he asked.
“No. Not that one.”
“Okaaay.”
“Sorry. I just don’t like The Cure that much anymore.”
He moved to the bed and sat down next to her, touched her knee. Marnie moved. Not much, but enough.
“What’s the matter?” Tyler asked.
“Nothing. Let’s go back downstairs and get more beer.”
“Hey, what’s the matter?” he asked. “I like you. I like hanging out with you. Is that cool?”
“I don’t want to get into a deep conversation. Let’s just hang out, okay. Nothing serious. I can’t do serious. Okay?”
“Sure. Let’s go get a beer.” He reached for her hand to pull her up from the bed.
More frat parties and late nights led to another night with Tyler, but this time it was on her terms and she knew what she was doing, sort of. Marnie did like him, but it wasn’t like it had been with Joe. Just as she knew when she was with Joe, she felt it might never be that way with anyone else. Ever.
Joe who? She kept trying to tell herself. That’s all she had to say until she could believe it. It wasn’t working. And that was a problem.
And there was another problem.
Marnie tried to remember, but couldn’t pinpoint it. Her last period. The unexpected queasiness she had been experiencing couldn’t be pregnancy symptoms. It had to be nerves. She needed to talk to someone. Collette was the only one who was there during the summer. She was the only one who knew how Marnie really felt about Joe.
When Collette answered the phone, Marnie said, “I didn’t get it yet.”
“Well, hey to you too!” Marnie could hear The Outfield’s Say It Isn’t So blaring in the background. “Hang on and I’ll turn the music down!”
“What’s going on?” Collette asked.
Marnie broke down. She sobbed and sobbed, and confessed how scared she was, that she didn’t know what to do; and that her period was now, most definitely, positively, two months late.
“Listen. You have to get a test. You can’t sit around and wonder. If you get a test, then you’ll know, and you can figure out what you guys should do.”
“There is no ‘you guys.’ I haven’t even talked to him.”
“He hasn’t called you?” Collette asked incredulously.
“Well, uh… It seemed like we would talk, but, then, well… no, he hasn’t called. I don’t know what to think.”
“I can’t believe the bastard hasn’t called you! After all this summer! Why haven’t you called him?”
“What am I supposed to say?” Marnie whispered.
“God Marnie, sometimes I just wish you would get some nerve, take the initiative, go after something you want, not waste all your time worrying about the ‘what ifs.’”
Marnie knew Collette was right. Marnie had always been the agreeable one, the one who would go anywhere, do anything, just to appease whomever she was with. She wasn’t necessarily a door mat, one to be walked on, but sticking up for herself had never been a strong trait. It was almost as if she preferred the passenger seat. She always went along for the ride, but never took the steering wheel into her own hands, to decide which way to go.
Until now, Marnie hadn’t been bothered by her own passiveness. She was okay with not making decisions. But this time, things were more serious than deciding on which party to attend, which movie to see, who would pay the deposit for the keg. This time, though, others were involved. Joe was involved.
And possibly, very possibly, a baby.
**
Collette made Marnie promise her she would get a pregnancy test, and she kept that promise and bought one. But it stayed in the bathroom, hidden under the box of panty liners and tampons she hadn’t needed.
“What’s this for?” Whitney came out of their shared bathroom one night, holding up the pregnancy test box, shaking it, looking back and forth from Marnie to Devon.
Marnie looked up from the TV and she could feel Devon’s eyes on her.
“What do you think it’s for?” Marnie snipped at Whitney, “A biology project?”
“Christ, I was just asking. Well, at least it explains why you’ve been such a bitch this semester.” And Whitney flung the box onto Marnie’s bed and stomped off to her own room, most likely to share the news with Lindsay. The words stung Marnie and tears sprung from her eyes.
“God, Whitney you’re such a bitch!” Devon shot back at Whitney, went over to Marnie’s bed, and pulled her close.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Devon asked.
“Now I totally get why you’ve been acting so weird.”
Marnie couldn’t make any words come, so she just nodded and cried more.
“Do you know for sure yet?” Devon asked. “Have you told Tyler?”
Marnie shook her head. “It’s not Tyler. It’s Joe.”
“This summer’s Joe? That long ago? God, Marnie, you have got to take this test. If it’s been since summer… well, you might not have any time. Do you want to take the test? I’ll stay here with you.”
“I don’t think I can.”
**
On Friday night, after she had done a load of laundry, after Devon left for Kyle’s for the night, and the bopsy twins scampered out to their sorority mixer; while every other student on campus was out barhopping or shacking up, Marnie sat on the toilet, surrounded by an avalanche of makeup, perfumes and hair products strewn across the vanity, and peed on the stick.
Two lines.
Two fucking lines.
She calculated it. And figured she hadn’t had her period since the beginning of August. More than two months along. She was too late. It was too late. Too late to do anything at all but go into a dark, deep cavern of denial. Marnie decided right then and there that she would deny it until it went away.
After all, really, this couldn’t be happening to her.
Chapter Thirty-Four
The Pregnancy – March 2004
Stuart had turned his back on her. Immediately. He didn’t console her, or dry her eyes or pull her close when she told him she was pregnant. He didn’t tell her how excited he was that they were going to have another baby and that he couldn’t wait to hold a newborn in his arms. He got out of bed, and went into their bathroom. Marnie heard the water in the shower turn on and she fell back into her bed and wept.
Stuart had barely spoken to her, and he hadn’t even said a word about the baby. He had left for his shift that next day without so much as a goodbye.
How could she have done this to her husband? Why had she kept this from Stuart? Even though she was pretty sure he didn’t want another baby… well, she knew he didn’t want a baby, but she didn’t think he would turn his back on her and their family like this. That he would actually literally forsake his own offspring.
A Little Bit of Everything Lost Page 11
