A Little Bit of Everything Lost

by Stephanie Elliot

  She made another appointment with her therapist, and this time she vowed not to spend the whole hour crying. This time, she would talk. She would tell Eva everything. She needed a sounding board, she needed to cleanse her soul, share her grief with someone, someone who would listen, someone who might possibly understand what she had been through, what she was going through. She needed someone who would tell her what to do, how to make the pain dissolve, the pain from all those years ago, the guilt she was feeling from back then, and all of the grief she felt now.

  Marnie wanted to fix her life, even if that meant she needed to find Joe and tell him everything too.

  It was time.

  Chapter Sixty-Three

  January 1989

  “Guess who came to see me last night when I was closing The Bean?” Marnie said when Joe came to her house the following afternoon. When Joe didn’t answer right away, she continued, “Trina.”

  “You’re kidding me?”

  “No, and she made all these threats and… ”

  “Damn it. I can’t believe she came to your work!”

  “Why is it that she even knows about us and what we do together? What are you telling her?”

  “I’m so sorry. She called my house the other night and talked to my mom, and then asked to talk to me, and what can I say, no? My mom wasn’t going to say I wasn’t home.” Joe hugged Marnie hard.

  “She was hysterical, crying all about her dad, and how I don’t even care, how I never cared for her. Really, it’s driving me crazy. And my mom isn’t any help either.”

  “What’s your mom got to do with it?” Marnie asked.

  “Oh because, it’s my mom, and she’s all like, ‘Be nice to her, you don’t know how hard it is, and what she’s going through,’ all that kind of crap,” Joe said, winding his fingers through Marnie’s.

  “It’s so much stress for me too,” Marnie said, “She had me crying my head off in my car; it was midnight, and freezing and snowing, and no one else was around. I wanted to call you but it was too late. She was psycho and I was scared.” Marnie felt her eyes welling. “She really scared me.”

  “Well, she leaves for school next week, thank God for that, so I can get away from her.”

  “And what about us?” Marnie asked. “What’s going to happen when we go back to school?”

  “I’m coming to visit you. You’ll come visit me. I want this to work. I really do. Don’t worry. Don’t worry about Trina. She means nothing to me. I just can’t stand that we have all this shit that makes it… well, damn it, if her father hadn’t died, and if my parents weren’t such good friends with her parents, well, her mom. It’s driving me crazy. I just can’t wait to get back to school.”

  The thing that scared Marnie most was that Joe being back to school meant Joe would be away from Marnie too.

  NOVEMBER

  Chapter Sixty-Four

  November 2004

  Marnie didn’t want to take the job when Sarah Foster called her. It was the week of Thanksgiving and she’d been immersed in work and wanted to take some time to be with her family. Her last photo shoot, a family of five with two dogs, had been a disaster. One dog had crapped on the floor and the other started licking the pile. Marnie wasn’t sure she could handle Sarah Foster’s group – a big Italian family with twenty-two people set for the day before Thanksgiving. Sarah had begged her though.

  “You come highly recommended from a relative, I’ve called your references on your website, and your gallery on your homepage is absolutely stunning,” Sarah gushed. “Please, I know it’s right smack in the middle of the Thanksgiving holiday and you must be incredibly busy, but we rarely have the whole family together.”

  She thought about it, and decided she couldn’t turn down the opportunity. It would be the biggest job she’d undertake, and the money would be great for Christmas. Marnie took down the information and suggested to Sarah that she have everyone dress in a similar color theme, and that children be fed before the photo shoot.

  **

  Marnie rang the doorbell to the colonial home and cringed when she heard dogs barking. Then she heard a woman’s voice, “Figo! Dratton! Come on boys!” She hoped to God Sarah wouldn’t ask to include the dogs in the photographs.

  More barking, and minutes later the door opened and a tall, thin woman greeted Marnie, sans Figo and Dratton. Behind her, three children chased each other, and Marnie noticed they all wore navy, beige and white.

  Good. Color-coordinated, Marnie thought.

  “Sorry about that, those dogs can be pretty feisty,” and then, “I’m Sarah.”

  Marnie smiled warmly, and reached her hand out to Sarah, “Marnie. So pleased to meet you. Thanks for having me. I’m really excited to do the photo shoot.”

  “Wonderful. Me too! Everyone’s almost here. Let me show you where I’d like you to set up.”

  Marnie followed Sarah into a great room that was the size of Marnie’s kitchen and family room combined. Most of the furniture had been removed, except for one huge leather couch set in the middle of the room, which would serve perfectly for the photo.

  “This is great,” Marnie noted the vast space and ample natural light.

  “Oh good,” Sarah said, “I wasn’t sure what you needed to work with, so I had hoped this was all right.”

  “Perfect.”

  Kids and adults mingled throughout the house and Marnie heard a baby crying. She felt a little heartsick that she’d be dealing with babies today, but she pushed it aside. Concentrate, she told herself. Then there was a crash and a kid screamed.

  “Sarah! We need you in here!” a woman called out.

  “Oh great,” Sarah muttered. “I don’t know how I got stuck hosting here,” she smiled at Marnie. “I’ll let you get set up. Call for me if you need anything?”

  “Sure. Give me about twenty minutes to get the lighting figured out and everything.”

  “Okay. Would you like some water or tea or something?”

  “No, I’m fine. Thanks though.”

  Marnie walked around the room, moved some picture frames and a few plants out of the way, and took some sample shots with her Polaroid camera. She adjusted the shutters to let in the right amount of natural light and took a few more photos to make sure there were no shadows where she’d be shooting the family. She stood back and surveyed everything from the entryway to the great room.

  That’s when it happened.

  A chill ran through her body, and she knew immediately.

  A relative recommended you.

  A big Italian family.

  Thanksgiving weekend.

  It couldn’t be.

  She could smell him.

  Obsession.

  After all of these years, she knew it was him.

  Marnie stood there, feeling him, knowing with no uncertainty that he was there. She could hear his family in the kitchen, his loud Italian-Irish family, catch glimpses of children running across the foyer’s hardwood floor from the other door, chasing one another, a baby crawling after them.

  “Marnie Kretts.”

  She wasn’t sure if she should move, not sure what would happen if she turned around.

  She took a deep breath, turned around, and she was nineteen again.

  “Joe.”

  Chapter Sixty-Five

  January 1989

  It was the second Thursday back at school and already the professors were slamming them with quizzes and assignments. True to his promises, Joe had called every day and had made plans to visit for Valentine’s.

  Marnie was studying in the student lounge adjacent to her dorm suite when Devon yelled for her.

  “Marnie! Get in here for a minute, will ya?”

  “I’m studying!”

  “Come on, take a break! Let’s order a pizza!”

  Marnie sighed and uncurled her legs from underneath herself. She was tired of economics anyway and she needed a break. She trudged through the hallway, said hey to a couple stoners on the way, and opened t
he door to hers and Devon’s suite.

  She smelled pizza.

  And Obsession.

  “Hey there.”

  Marnie dropped her books and jumped into Joe’s arms. “Oh my God! What are you doing here!”

  “I thought you might be hungry,” he laughed, and spun her around the room, while Devon looked on.

  “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe you’re here! This is crazy!”

  “I know! Right?”

  “Are you staying? Can you stay?”

  “Just for the night. I have to pick some things up at home this weekend so I thought I’d sneak by tonight to see you.”

  Joe put Marnie down and she hugged him tight. “So Devon, you met Joe?”

  “Yep,” Devon said, and then, “Don’t worry, I’m going to Kyle’s, but not before I snag a piece of this pizza he brought. I’m starving!”

  Lindsay and Whitney opened the door that separated their room from Marnie’s and Devon’s when they heard the commotion. Marnie said, “Hey guys, this is Joe. Joe, that’s Lindsay and Whitney.”

  “Hey girls, how are you?”

  “Fine, can you keep it down though? We’re trying to study.” And they shut their door.

  “I told you, didn’t I?” Marnie said.

  “You sure did,” Joe laughed.

  Devon stuck around and shared some pizza then packed a bag and went to Kyle’s for the night. Finally, Joe and Marnie were alone.

  “I really can’t believe you’re here,” Marnie said.

  “You keep saying that.”

  “But still.”

  “Well, I’m here. What do you want to do?”

  They were lying on her bed.

  “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

  “I can think of a few things to occupy our time.”

  “Like what?”

  “For starters, it’s really hot in here. I think you should take some of those clothes off, don’t you?”

  “I still can’t believe you’re here. I just want to look at you for a while,” Marnie said.

  “Can’t you look at me without your clothes on?” he trailed his fingers along her arm and Marnie shivered. “Now you’re making me cold! I’ll never want to take my clothes off then.”

  “Oh, I bet I can change your mind.”

  He leaned into her and kissed her bottom lip. Marnie moved to the inside of the bed and Joe slid over to make room. He found the button to the boom box and clicked on the cassette tape. Journey’s Faithfully came on. His shirt came off, then hers, and their legs intertwined and they kissed for what seemed like forever.

  “Oh God, I can’t believe it’s not even been two weeks and I’ve missed you this much,” he whispered into her ear.

  “I know, me either,” Marnie said.

  “It seems like we’ve been apart for so long. I can’t stand being away from you,” he said.

  “Stop talking, more kissing.”

  Joe lay on top of Marnie and the whole length of his body felt warm on hers. She felt protected and safe, and she had never felt this way with Tyler. Why had she wasted her time with Tyler? Suddenly, she felt guilty for ever being with Tyler. She also felt like she wanted to tell Joe everything about last semester when they had been apart. She felt so close to him at this moment, she wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to, felt like she needed to tell him about the abortion. She knew in her heart that he would understand.

  “Joe, I have to tell you something.”

  “Now? Is it important?” He continued to kiss her.

  The kissing felt so good. He touched her all over, his hands smooth all over her skin.

  “Marnie, wait, I have to tell you something first,” Joe said.

  “Mmm,” Marnie murmured, “What is it? Is it something good?”

  “I think it is,” he said all the while kissing her lips, then moving to the side of her neck and her earlobes, then back to her mouth.

  “Do you want to hear it?” he asked.

  “Mmm.” Marnie whispered. “Just keep kissing me.”

  “I want to tell you this though.” He stopped kissing and looked at her with those hazel eyes of his that she felt she knew so very well now. He stared at her, really looked at her, deep into her eyes, so that she could see her own reflection. She felt like she would collapse if he wouldn’t start kissing her again, but if he would stop looking at her, she might die. She had to have him, wanted all of him, couldn’t get enough of him.

  Her secret could wait.

  “What?” she asked.

  “You don’t know how bad I’m falling for you.”

  Chapter Sixty-Six

  November 2004

  Marnie rang Sarah’s door and heard the dogs barking from far within the house. After that first encounter at Sarah’s, the dogs were the least of the problem, but still, Marnie didn’t need Figo or Dratton jumping all over her and her portfolio today.

  The door opened and there stood Sarah, Joe’s first cousin, the only relative of the bunch who kept all of the family members in check during the photo shoot, which had been a blessing because once Marnie got over the shock of seeing Joe – of having to be in the same room with him – there was no way in hell Marnie was going to be able to keep calm and get the job done.

  “Hey there Marnie, come on in, good to see you again,” Sarah said.

  “Hi Sarah,” Marnie took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled.

  “How was your Thanksgiving?” Sarah asked as she led Marnie into the foyer.

  “Very nice, thanks. It was low-key, just my immediate family. I bet yours was hectic?” Marnie commented.

  “You could say that,” Sarah laughed.

  Marnie shook off her coat, and Sarah placed it on the couch in the great room. She noticed all the furniture had been reassembled.

  “I thought the shoot went great, didn’t you? I can’t believe how you wrangled all the little ones together and actually got them all laughing and looking at the camera.” Sarah exclaimed.

  “The photos turned out beautiful. You know, that was officially my largest group ever.”

  “Well, I can’t wait to see the proofs. Can I get you some water, a diet Coke or something?” Sarah asked.

  “Thanks, I’d love some water.”

  “Great, I’ll grab some,” Sarah said and pointed to her left. “The dining room’s that way. Go ahead and set up in there – my cousin Joe’s waiting. He wanted to go through the proofs with us too.”

  “Oh,” was all Marnie managed.

  “I’ll be right back, make yourself at home.” Sarah shouted over her shoulder.

  She could have chosen the flight method, to walk out the door, and pretend that what was about to happen wasn’t going to happen. Instead, Marnie walked toward the dining room.

  And there he was.

  And then there she was.

  And it was the two of them.

  He stood up from the table and smiled. There were small lines around his eyes to show he had aged a bit but his hazel eyes were as beautiful as ever and he looked at her like he had always looked at her, intensely, like she was important. Like she meant something to him.

  “Here, let me help you with those.”

  Before Marnie could react, he was by her side, lifting her brown portfolio, and she smelled him again. Obsession.

  Face to face. Alone. All the things she imagined would happen, all the things she dreamed she would say to him after all these years, and nothing. Nothing came to her.

  She could kick herself. Because she had known she would see him again, had known there would be another meeting, she had just seen him, in this very house. But after the photo shoot, she had collected her equipment and run out of the house before he could have a chance to stop her to say, to say, what? Would he have even stopped her? She would never know now.

  At the great room entrance on Wednesday, when he had said her name and she had turned toward him, and all the emotions flooded through her like a movie trailer in slow motion, just when somet
hing, anything could have happened, two toddlers came tearing by on wheelie bikes and one rammed right into Joe’s ankle.

  Not the reunion she had imagined.

  Then chaos had kicked in and people shuffled to get into place and pictures were taken quickly while kids were happy, and Marnie shouted out directions, and told people to sit, and then stand, and that person to move over there, and children come over here, and Nonna should sit in the center, and all the adults, go stand over there. And to smile, and smile, and make silly faces, and then “Why don’t you silly kids try frowning” because that always made them smile bigger, Marnie had learned.

  All along, Marnie focused on doing her job and not the fact that her very first love was standing there, right in front of her camera lens, staring at her the whole entire time. With those eyes, those same eyes that had stared at her so many years ago.

  And now, staring at her at this very moment, with that same intensity, and she couldn’t think of a thing to say.

  “You have not changed,” he said. “Not one single bit.”

  “Hey Joe!” Sarah yelled from the kitchen. Marnie and Joe turned toward her voice and his shoulder brushed against hers.

  Magnets.

  “Yeah Sare!”

  “Do you want anything?” Sarah yelled.

  “I’ll take a beer!” Then to Marnie, softer, “Do you need anything?”

  “She’s bringing me water,” Marnie croaked.

  “Okay, good. Very good. I can’t tell you how nice it is to see you.” He appeared to exhale, as if he, too, had been holding all of his breath.

  Marnie didn’t answer, just looked at him. The grown-up him she’d always imagined. A little bit ruffled, a little bit more handsome, more put together than she had imagined, but still the Joe she had thought of – he was right there in front of her.

  Then, before Marnie could think another thought, Sarah was back. “Here we go, I can’t wait to see these pictures!” Sarah gave Joe a beer and handed Marnie a glass of water.