From the Dark

by Sarah Cole

  My heart clenches at the sight, and I’m overcome with worry and frustration over this situation. I sit down beside him, and Andrew comes up to grab Fallon for the reveal.

  “We’re about ready to cut the cake.” Andrew says, and gives Jay a look. “You should probably ease up, man.”

  “Aye, Aye, Captain Sober.” He salutes and Andrew just looks at him for a moment longer, before shaking his head and walking away.

  Andrew’s reaction seems to register with Jay, and for the briefest of moments, he looks ashamed.

  We sit in silence for a few moments until we hear Andrew and Charlie gush in unison, “It’s a girl!”

  The family cheers as the flash of camera’s go off and a bunch of pink balloons are released with well wishes for the new baby’s arrival.

  “Another niece! All right!” Jay shoots up, stumbling his way over to Charlie and engulfing her in a hug. She whispers something into his ear and he hangs his head before looking back up and whispering something to her and staggering away.

  I can see the frustration on her face, and I’ve decided that I have had enough excitement for the night, and head over to where the happy expectant parents are.

  Charlie smiles brightly at me and holds out her arms, that I quickly embrace, her baby bump pressing up against me. It sends a pain of longing deep into my soul, but I paste on my biggest smile for her because even though I can admit I’m jealous, I’m still so happy for them. I can’t think of two more loving and deserving people.

  “Congratulations, mama! I’m so happy for you guys. I hope you don’t mind too much, but I’m going to go on and turn in for the night. I have a long day of work tomorrow.”

  “I keep telling you, you just need to come work for me!” She jokes, but she does keep asking. I’m just not so sure how that would play out working so closely with Jay.

  “Yeah, yeah…” I wave her off. “So you won’t miss me too much if I head back downstairs?”

  “I’ll always miss you, Len.” She smiles, and it makes me feel good because I know her words are sincere. “But you go on ahead and get some sleep. We’re going to wrap up here pretty soon anyways because it is way past this little girl’s bedtime, and Daddy here was up early for surgery this morning.”

  “Alright then, I’ll see you tomorrow sometime and we can go over set lists. Any time should work. I just have a meeting with Gordon early on, then I’m free.”

  “OK, sounds good. I’ll call you when I’m done with that appointment with Jay.”

  “Oh, alright. Good night.” I say, and turn to head towards the door leading to the elevators.

  “Leni.” Charlie calls after I’ve taken a couple steps.

  “Yeah?”

  “Remember what we said.” She says, and for a second I’m confused until she finishes. “Don’t give up on him. This isn’t him… he hasn’t touched anything more than a beer or two in over a year as far as I know.”

  I don’t say anything but just nod once and keep walking towards the door. Everyone keeps telling me not to give up on him, and lord help me, I don’t want to. I never want to. I just fear that if I don’t, I will once again end up giving up on myself.

  Chapter 16

  Jay:

  After Charlie told me I was being an idiot, and told me I was embarrassing myself, I sobered up quickly. I knew she was right. I went to go get some water and leftover food to soak up some of the liquor before things got too out of hand. I’d only had a few drinks, but after not having had more than a beer here and there in the past year, I’ve turned into somewhat of a light weight. As soon as I start to feel any sort of strong emotion that isn’t happiness, I revert back to my old coping mechanisms and just want to numb it. I can admit that I’m not as solid as I should be, and I know I need to get to a meeting before I jump off the deep end. I could see it in the way that Leni was looking at me tonight; like she was disgusted with what I was doing. I wasn’t even going to go to her. I was going to give her the space I knew she needed, but God, she looked so pretty. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her all night, and the way she was playing with Fallon and laughing, just made me want to kiss and fuck her senseless. She’s everything I could have ever dreamed up and more. I’m not entirely sure what I even said to her, but I am positive it was probably stupid.

  I have been sitting here for a few hours, and have been contemplating whether I should get my own room for the night, or if I should go back to the room that Leni and I were sharing. Since that night at the Red Rocks concert, we haven’t slept apart once, and I don’t think I want to anymore. I make a snap decision and head back to our room. With how things went down earlier, I’m not sure how much longer she’ll be willing to put up with my shit, and I don’t blame her. So, I’m going to hold her every second for as long as she’ll let me.

  I slide the keycard into the door, and slip into the room quietly so I don’t disturb her. The bedside lamp is on casting a soft glow across her bare face, and her pink hair is tossed wildly around on the pillow. She’s so perfect that I can’t help but to stare at her. I pull off the dress shirt and slacks I was wearing and sit on the edge of the bed, trying to memorize everything about her… her soft, perfectly pouted lips, her sharp nose, the curve of her eyebrows and her high cheekbones that always seem to glow like she’s lit from within. I try to memorize everything because I have this sinking feeling that I can’t shake. It’s like my life is one big case of Murphy’s Law lately and for once I pray that something goes right. I pray that she won’t give up on me… on us.

  I use the tips of my fingers to brush the stray curls away from her face and she nuzzles into my hand. I lean forward and place the softest of kisses all along her forehead and down her nose until I reach her lips and place one there as, well. Even in sleep she kisses me back, and I wish I could give her everything she needs, but I know I can’t… not right now at least. I know I’m not good for her, and I need to stop being selfish, because love isn’t selfish; at least, not the kind of love she deserves.

  I get up and walk around the bed, settling in behind her. I wrap my arm around her, and pull her close, burying my face in her soft vanilla and floral scent and I pray some more. I pray that this won’t be the last time I get to hold her, even if I have to let her go for a while. Because I know I do, even if just for now. I’m not stupid. I know what she wants, needs, and deserves, and I don’t want to leave that burden on her. I’m being so selfish. I want to keep her, but I can’t; it isn’t right.

  I don’t want her to feel guilty like she is letting me down. I know she is on the fence about calling it quits. Why do you think I drowned my feelings in scotch earlier? I know that after the appointment with Charlie and Dr. Grace tomorrow, I’m going to have to tell her we need to break off whatever it is we have until I can be the man she needs me to be…until I can be the man that I need me to be.

  “I love you, baby. So much. So much it hurts. You’ll never know...” I whisper into her hair as she sleeps, letting my tears fall freely.

  “I love you too.” she mumbles. She rolls over so she’s snuggled into my side, her head resting on my chest, over the empty spot inside that I’ve reserved just for her.

  ***

  The alarm on my phone sounds and after turning it off, I reach over to find nothing but empty sheets. I’m flooded with disappointment, but honestly I can’t say I expected anything else. I’m kind of relieved that I can put off the tough conversation for just a bit longer; live in ignorance for just a bit longer. I spy a post it stuck to the mirror across the room, written in Leni’s bubbly handwriting.

  J-

  Busy day today. I probably won’t see you until tonight after your show. Still going through with our original plan re: BV. Good luck tonight.

  – Lennon

  I need to text her and tell her not to bother. We are all over it at this point, and after tonight, we don’t even have to mess with those guys, but that text will have to wait until later because I’m running late to meet Charlie downstai
rs. No big surprise there!

  “You’re late.” Charlie calls out from across the lobby as she glances at her big gold watch dramatically.

  “I know, but only by two minutes. I’m sorry.” I say, and I know she understands that I mean more so about last night than being a couple minutes late.

  “I know you are.” She hugs me from the side, and I hug her back.

  “I don’t have my car here.” I tell her.

  “It’s ok, we have both of ours here.”

  It only takes us ten minutes or so to get to Dr. Grace’s office, and I can already feel my palms starting to sweat. My mouth feels like a stuffed it with cotton balls, and my heart feels like I drank a case of energy drinks.

  “Jesus, Jay. You look like you’re about ready to have a heart attack. Are you ok?” Charlie says, as we walk up the few flights of stairs.

  No, definitely not ok. And at this point, I’d almost prefer a heart attack than having to talk about this stuff.

  “I’m alright. But Thumper? Just do me a favor and don’t hate me for what I’m going to tell you in there. I just want you to know I couldn’t let it out before.”

  She regards me with nervous eyes before nodding, and pushing through the door.

  “Hello! She’s already ready for you. You can go on back.” Marcy the receptionist greets us, and we follow the narrow hallway to Dr. Grace’s office doors.

  I knock firmly on the dark wood door, and from inside I hear Dr. Grace call us in.

  “Good Morning!” She says in a cheerful voice, and I kind of want to punch her. Ok, so I’d never punch a woman, but still the urge is there. Especially since she’s basically going to rip my soul apart for the next couple of hours.

  “Good morning. Thank you for seeing us.” Charlie says, so politely, I just want to roll my eyes at her. Suck up.

  “Not a problem. I’m just going to get right to it because I feel like this might take a while. We may even want to schedule a follow up session.” Dr. Grace says.

  Charlie and I make ourselves comfortable on the white leather couch that is positioned up against the wall. The walls are white; the carpet is white. Everything is freaking white and it’s like two steps away from a padded cell, which I suppose is fitting given where we’re at, and how I feel.

  “Now,” Grace continues, “I suggested the family or group therapy session for you both considering you both are so close and heart of the issue for you both is the loss of Abby. Charlie, I’ve spoken with Jay and he has signed consent for me to reference things discussed in some of our former sessions in front of you. It is OK if you decline, but if you are willing I’d like for you to sign the same consent form. I feel like it would be better to have everything laid out so we can sort through it together.”

  “I’ll sign.” Charlie says without hesitation, and Grace hands her the consent form attached to a white clipboard. Surprise.

  “Now Charlie, let’s start with you and have you explain to Jay why Abby’s death weighed so heavily on you.”

  I can see the emotion, thinly veiled under Charlie’s calm mask, just waiting to spill over.

  “Well, obviously, you know everything about both of us, Jay. She was more than my best friend; she was my sister for all intents and purposes. Just like you and I are.” Charlie gestures.

  “But we had everything all mapped out… you know Abby. She had everything carefully laid out for us… how we were going to do everything together, and I was right there with her for the most part. College- check. Law school- check. Prestigious law firm hire – check. The list goes on, and everything fit neatly into a little box, but when she died…” she trails off, her voice cracking through the now free flowing tears.

  She continues, “When she died, I felt like I owed it to her to carry on with that. I needed to do it for her, but I realized I didn’t want that anymore. My life doesn’t fit into a box like hers did, and I didn’t want it to anymore. I wanted this job with you guys, doing something I was truly passionate about… and I felt guilty, Jay. So, so guilty.”

  I pull her into me, so I can comfort her. While her face is buried in my shirt, Dr. Grace gives me a look and it’s all making sense for me now. Charlie has spent years feeling guilty for no reason, and I’ve been holding the key to unlocking the chains of guilt that have been weighing her down. Suddenly I want to tell her everything; not only to ease her burden, but my own.

  “Jay, if you want to begin, you should. You can start anywhere you’d like.” Dr. Grace encourages, handing Charlie the box of tissues.

  There honestly isn’t any easy way to begin or explain, so I just go for it, starting the only way I know how.

  “Charlie, hun, you shouldn’t feel guilty. Not at all. I know people have told you that forever, and I’m regretting not having this conversation three years ago. You shouldn’t feel guilty, because that nice plan you guys laid out was never going to happen. Not the way it was planned at least. Life gets in the way.”

  Charlie looks at me with confused, red rimmed eyes, and I know I need to keep going.

  “Abby was going to call Harper & Logan and decline the offer. She just never got the chance.” I say.

  “What do you mean? Why would she do that? She had her plan.”

  “Because Charlie, she was pregnant. We were going to have a baby and get married.” I choke out, and I can feel the tears coming. Charlie gasps a sharp breath.

  “W-what?”

  “We found out a couple weeks before the accident. I begged her to marry me, and she finally said yes. She was about nine weeks along.” I’m sobbing now, and I look at my best friend who isn’t doing much better at this point.

  There are so many conflicting feelings racing through me. Relief that Charlie finally knows, anguish saying it out loud, love, heartbreak, sympathy for Charlie who is experiencing this loss in a whole new way… So, I do what I feel we both need, and I pull Charlie and her growing belly into my lap where we hold each other and cry together; something we never got to do – something that should have been done far too long ago.

  When Charlie’s breathing starts to slow, and return to normal, she shifts her weight off my lap and grabs more tissues.

  “Why didn’t I know this? Why didn’t I know? We wouldn’t have gone out! I could have kept her home and safe!” Charlie yells, as a dry sob escapes her throat.

  I take her cheeks with my hands, shaking her gently back to reality, the tattoos contrasting sharply with the skin of her unflawed face, “Charlie! Honey, there’s nothing you could’ve done. Believe me… this has been through my head so many times… how I failed her. Failed our baby… you. I should have kept you all safe, but I didn’t. Remember that party we were throwing that Saturday night?”

  She nods, and I know she remembers, it was only a couple days away.

  “We were going to announce our engagement then. I had her ring all picked out and I planned on giving it to her that night. I wanted to propose to her properly with everyone she loved around.” I wipe my eyes.

  “But why did no one tell me about the baby?!” She pleads.

  “We were going to, Charlie. We wanted to do it together and we wanted to be sure first. We had just gone to the doctor, and gotten everything figured out.” I say reaching for my wallet, where I still carry around the worn ultrasound picture. With my fingers, I find the worn corners that are soft with age, and pull it out, handing it to Charlie.

  She unfolds it gently with shaking fingers as the tears well up and spill from both of our eyes. Her hand covers up her sobs as her eyes shut tightly, forcing her tears to fall in long streams, and she launches herself at me, her arms hugging me fiercely.

  “I’m so sorry, Jay. I’m so sorry…” she cries into my shoulder. “I was so concerned with why I didn’t know, that I didn’t even think about you. What can I do for you? Are you ok?” she pulls back, searching my face.

  I pull her back in for a hug, and say, “This is what you can do. Just be here like you always are; like you always have been.
It just feels good to tell you everything.”

  “I miss her so much, Jay. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.”

  “I know, Thumper. I miss her too; so damn much.” We rock back and forth.

  The whole time this plays out, Dr. Grace sits in silence just letting us have our moments of mourning, together. When we are ready we sit back in our respective spots, and wait quietly.

  “How do each of you feel?” she asks.

  I go first, “I feel a lot of things. Relived mainly. It feels good to share the heaviness with someone who understands and loves Abby like I do, but it hurts thinking about it.”

  Dr. Grace nods. “What about you, Charlie?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know. The guilt about changing course is gone, but I’m upset. Well, I’m not even sure if that is a good word for what I am. I’m angry that life happened this way. I’m heartbroken for Jay, for myself, for Abby and the baby. I just feel drained, but I know this needed to happen for both of us to heal, so I’m somewhat optimistic.” She says, and I agree.

  “I think you have both taken significant steps in your journey to happiness today. I know this isn’t easy for you guys, but you have each other to lean on. Nothing between you two now. I feel like I can better help you now that everything is out.” Dr. Grace says, and I couldn’t agree more.

  I know I’m still dealing with everything, and I might always be. Losing your significant other is tragic, but losing your child at the same time is something indescribable. My world collapsed that day, and I don’t think I can bear to risk it again. I had all these ideas and plans in my head of being a Dad, and even though the timing wasn’t ideal, and neither Abby or I planned it, I wanted nothing more than to be a father. I loved my baby.

  More is being said, but I’m so lost in my own head right now that all I can do is nod and pretend to listen. It isn’t until we are standing, and making arrangements for skype sessions while I’m on tour in Europe, that I really snap back into reality.