From the Dark

by Sarah Cole

  We finally get into the car and on the road, but she has to pull over no less than three times so I can heave the contents of my stomach out the car door. I had to promise to have her car detailed just so she wouldn’t kick my sorry ass out on the curb.

  We end up arriving at the venue so late that Bleeding Vengeance is already halfway through their set. Charlie will not stop glaring at me, and I honestly just want this day to be over. I rub my temples as she hands me a piece of gum, still with a murderous look. Charlie hasn’t been this pissed at me since I OD’d, and even then, she did it with a little more love.

  “Jay, do you have any idea where she would be?” Charlie asks me after we arrive.

  “No, Charlie. I don’t.” I snap. “I don’t know why you’re so concerned. She’s a big girl. She is probably just ignoring us.”

  “Well maybe you, because you’re an asshole. But she wouldn’t ignore me. That is why I’m concerned, Jay. Despite whatever goes down between you two, she’s my friend too and I care. I may not know as much as you about her life, but I know she’s had a rough go at it and she deserves people who care about her, and love her.” She fumes.

  I sigh, and I know she’s right. Leni wouldn’t just ignore Charlie even if she was pissed at me. She’s not that spiteful. I’ve been too drunk since Charlie and I got back from Dr. Grace’s this morning to even consider anyone, but myself. I still don’t know what I’m going to do when this buzz wears off, and I really feel her loss.

  I walk with Charlie through the back corridor, checking rooms until we find the green room for Fading to Light. The guys are all inside, playing video games, or listening to music.

  “Where have you been?” Chase asks, glancing up from the video game he’s engrossed in.

  “Have you seen Leni anywhere?” Charlie asks.

  “Are you drunk dude? And is that Leni’s t-shirt?” Brenden asks, worry shadowing his face.

  “S’not the point right now.” I say and once again I know I’m slurring horribly.

  “Well that answers your question.” Chase says, his jaw clenching.

  “You’ve got to be kidding! I thought you were done with doing this shit, Jay!” Aaron accuses, throwing his earbuds on the coffee table. I thought so too.

  “Guys! Shut up!” Charlie yells over us.

  The room goes silent as we watch Charlie glare at us.

  “Do any of you know where Leni is? She over announces each word like she’s speaking to a group of first graders. Which in so many ways, she is.

  “I haven’t seen her, but I saw her stuff and her laptop and phone in the room next door.” Aaron says.

  Charlie quickly exits and I follow behind her.

  “This is her stuff, but she isn’t here. Check the other two rooms back here, and I’ll check the women’s restroom. Jay, I have a really yucky feeling.” She says, and I can see her starting to panic as she heads towards the bathroom at the end of the hall.

  Finally, the numbing effect of the alcohol is starting to wear off, even though I am still very much intoxicated, and I can feel the worry cutting through the dazed state. Please just let her be ok. I begin to check the other rooms with no luck when my blood freezes in my veins.

  Charlie’s scream cuts through me like a knife and I know something is very wrong.

  “Jay!!!!!!!!! Call 9-1-1. NOW!” She’s screaming, and despite my stupor, I’m sprinting down the hall full force, fumbling for my phone in my pocket. I can hear the heavy footfalls behind me, and I know it’s the rest of the guys, having heard Charlie’s screams.

  I burst through the door without slowing my pace, and the instant that it takes to assess the situation feels like a lifetime in my head. Leni is sprawled out on the smooth, concrete floor in a large puddle of her own blood. I can see the razorblade shining in the puddle of red liquid that is flowing freely from the deep cuts on her wrists and inner thigh where her dress is hiked up. Her lips and face are the most disturbing shade of gray I have ever seen.

  I fall to my knees and immediately pull her into my arms, checking for any sign of a pulse, but I’m fumbling around and shaking so hard that I can’t do a damn thing to help her. My body and mind are so soaked in liquor and fear that all I can do is sit here paralyzed where I watch everything happen in slow motion. I can hear Brenden on the phone giving details to the emergency operator on the other end of the line.

  “Baby! Leni, Sunshine, wake up. Talk to me.” I sob, and my tears keeps splashing on her bloodied, expressionless face. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. It’s my fault. I made you do this… I let this happen. I wasn’t strong enough for us.” I realize I’m rocking her back and forth, confessing all my sins while Charlie and Chase are trying to stop the bleeding.

  “She has a pulse… it’s barely there, but it’s there.” Chase says, as he pulls off his belt to create a tourniquet. He was trained in first aid as an Eagle Scout, and for that I am thankful.

  “I need another belt!” he says urgently and Brenden immediately takes his off, handing it over.

  “Hang on baby. Just hang on. I love you. Do you hear me, baby? I love you, only you. I’m so sorry Leni. You can’t leave me too, please. I can’t do this again. Please, not her…God, you can’t take her too! Take me instead. Take me!” I cry, muttering nonsense into her blood-soaked hair. I feel like the walls are closing in around me as my heart is bleeding out inside my chest.

  “Jay, you need to move!” Charlie says urgently, trying to pull my arm away. I won’t let go of Leni. I can’t.

  “Sir, we really need you to move… immediately.” Another female voice insists, and I realize the EMT’s are here.

  I gently ease Leni’s limp body down and scramble backwards, slipping in the red puddle on the floor. Her blood coating my palms and my clothing, I just know this is it. It’s happening to me all over again, and I’m completely powerless to stop it. Except this time, I know that it’s my fault. I drove her to this; pushed her away.

  ***

  We all sit in the waiting room, huddled together while the doctors work on Leni. The fact that half of us are covered in blood, certainly draws unwanted attention, but I can’t find it in me to care as I stare numbly at the wall just waiting to see if yet again, the woman I’m in love with will survive.

  “Baby?” Andrew says, as he enters the waiting room in a pair of track pants and a t-shirt. Charlie bolts out of her chair and into his arms where he holds her tightly against him, running his hands through her long hair.

  “Baby, why are you covered in blood? Kim from the front desk said she saw everyone come in here and called me. I dropped Fallon off with Laney and Parker and got here as soon as I could.” He takes in Charlie’s blood stained white shift dress. His hands immediately fly to her rounded belly, searching like the doctor he is.

  “We’re fine, hun. It’s Leni’s.” she says with a heavy sigh, and his sharp blue eyes land on me searching in question.

  I try to respond, but the words stick in my throat, strangling me, and I turn away, driving my fist into the plastered wall instead. Son-of-a-bitch, that hurt.

  “We found her in the bathroom at the convention center. Looks like she attempted suicide.” Aaron supplies softly.

  “You alright, man?” Andrew drawls, leveling me with his question.

  Am I alright? Definitely not – I’m so far the opposite it isn’t funny.

  “I don’t know how to answer that right now.” I choke out.

  “It’s going to be ok. I’m going to go see if I can find someone who has an update.” He’s the head of pediatric surgery here, so he should be able to find one of his colleagues to help us out. Just as he is about to leave the room, a doctor wearing dark blue scrubs enters the room and its déjà vu of the worst kind. I’m transported back three years to the worst fucking night of my life, save for this one.

  “Dr. Mandari.” Andrew greets his colleague.

  “Aahhhh, Dr. Montgomery. What are you doing here? Isn’t it your day off?” He asks in surpr
ise, and his voice is just the same, although his features have aged a few years. I suppose being a trauma surgeon will do that to you.

  “Uh, yeah it is, but we’re here for Lennon Taylor.” He says, and Dr. Mandari’s eyes flicker to the assortment of people in front of him, recognition flashing in them.

  I look beside me, and Charlie’s features are wooden. I know she must recognize the man because she looks as if she’s seen a ghost and silently, we gravitate towards each other for comfort, gripping each other’s hands tightly.

  “Right. Well, she’s stable.” I sag in relief at his update, and he continues, “We were able to stop the bleeding, and repair some of the previously damaged tissue in the affected areas. We’ve sedated her so her body has time to calm and repair itself, and are now giving her a blood transfusion to help replace the blood that was lost. We’re still running some tests to make sure everything is ok, but barring any complications, your friend should make a full recovery. However, I’d like to have a psych evaluation done once she wakes. Due to the disturbing amount of scarring on her body, and damage to her arteries, we surmise this isn’t the first attempt she has made on her life.”

  I know Leni’s history, or at least the gist of most of it. I know what she has struggled with, yet, hearing the words out of someone else’s mouth wounds me deeply. They’re so harsh, like a hard smack of reality. My girl tried to kill herself not once, but multiple times. This time because of me. Such a beautiful, funny, affectionate woman wanted to end her life because I am not strong enough to put her needs ahead of my own, and now everyone in this room knows it.

  “Can we see her?” Charlie asks, pulling me from my revelation.

  “Yes, but only a couple at a time please. The rooms are small.” Dr. Mandari says, and Andrew urges Charlie and I forward to follow him.

  We enter the room, and I see the woman I love, the one I’m head over fucking heels for, so small and devoid of life in that bed. Memories of Charlie in that same position haunt me, and I know this is hell for her too. She tried to convince everyone to let her have Fallon in a home birth because she hated hospitals so much, but since she was high risk with her pregnancy they nixed that request quickly. I can tell its wearing on her by the tight set of her jaw and the way she keeps tugging nervously at the hem of her blood-stained dress. I pull up one of the chairs for her so she can sit, and I take my place beside her.

  “We’re here, Leni.” Charlie says, reaching up to smooth back the matted candy colored waves, that are stained dark brown with blood.

  It makes my stomach roll at the thought of what we walked in on. What if we hadn’t found her quick enough? What if I had convinced Charlie she was ok? She’d be gone. Forever.

  “Thank you, Charlie.”

  She doesn’t respond, but instead gives me a questioning look.

  “Thank you for being persistent with me earlier. If it wasn’t for you, we may not have found her in time.” I croak out, and for the second time in my life I bury my head in the overly starched white blankets of a hospital bed and weep until my soul and my heart are empty.

  I don’t know how much time has passed as I sit here and stare at her while she sleeps, but I have come to a decision. I have to go. I love her more than anything I have left in this life, but right now I’m not good for her. I’m only going to cut her deeper if I stay, and she’ll grow to resent me more than I bet she already has. I need to learn how to live with my past if I’m ever going to be someone my loved ones can rely on– someone more than just an empty body that’s filled with thoughts of a broken future.

  Even though I know it is going to kill me, I give myself one last moment of memorizing her face before I push myself out of the chair.

  “Where are you going?” Charlie asks, looking up at me.

  “Charlie…”

  “Oh Jay… don’t do this.” She says mournfully, pleading with her tear-filled eyes.

  “I have to… if there’s any chance in hell for either of us to be happy, whether apart or together in the future. I have to go now. I have to figure out my shit once and for all, and I can’t do it if I keep pretending it doesn’t exist, living half in and half out. You saw what I did to her… I’m just going to keep hurting her, and she doesn’t deserve that. She deserves the world, Charlie, and I just can’t give it to her. Not right now. I love her too much to ruin her.” I say, trying to steel myself for what comes next.

  Charlie sighs heavily with tears running down her cheeks. “Where are you going? You have to be in Amsterdam on the twelfth.”

  “I don’t know yet, but away. Somewhere away where I can be alone and work through this the way I need to. I have Skype appointments set up with Dr. Grace already, and I found a sobriety sponsor. I’m going to figure this out. I have to.”

  “Jay… make me two promises.”

  “Anything, Charlie…. Name it.”

  “No drugs or drinking to cope, and come back to us. We need you. I need you.”

  I study my best friend for a minute before I reply, “Never and Always.”

  I look at Leni one last time before I place a soft kiss on her forehead, and inhale deeply. Her sweet scent just barely detectable, but enough to wreck me all the same.

  “I love you, Leni. I’m coming back for you. I swear on my life.” I whisper into her ear, even though I know she won’t hear me. I right myself and pat Charlie on the head as she silently cries.

  “I love you.” Charlie says, glancing up at me as I pull my hand away.

  “I know you do, Thumper. I love you too. I’ll be in touch, don’t worry. I fully expect you to be busting my ass from afar while we’re gone.”

  “You can count on it.” She grins

  “Can you do me two favors?”

  “Shoot.” Charlie replies.

  “Take care of my girl, get her the help she needs… beg her to take that job you’ve been offering. She needs people…family. And take care of yourself and that baby. Oh, and don’t work too hard.”

  “Deal.” She smiles, and with that I turn and leave to finally figure out how to live again.

  Leni:

  I love you. Beep. I’m coming back for you. Beep. I love you. Beep. Repeat. The words echo in my mind on loop, mixed with this incessant beeping that will not quit. Beep...Beep…

  “Make it stop.” I groan, reaching to cover my ears as the beeps echo off the walls of my skull. Each beep sends another blast of pain through my already throbbing head

  “Leni?” Charlie asks, and I have yet to open my eyes. The light is too bright.

  “Charlie… turn off the beeps.” I mumble.

  My mouth feels like I’ve been chewing on a wad of sandpaper. I can’t move because my limbs are sore and heavy like they have been turned inside out. Dear God, this is one epic hangover. What the hell was in that cider? Cider.

  Fragments of the office with Cash come flooding back and the last thing I remember is him telling me what he’d overheard before everything went black. Oh, my gosh, I have to tell Jay!

  I struggle to pull myself upright as I open my eyes, sharp pain lances through my entire body, and the machine next to the bed starts beeping wildly.

  “Whoa! Leni!!!! Shhhh.” Charlie says from beside me, trying to push me back down into the hospital bed. Hospital bed.

  My heart is racing, and I can feel the heavy thud in my chest like I’ve been jump started.

  “What the hell is going on?” I ask, looking to see only Charlie and Andrew in the room with me. I am beyond confused.

  Andrew stands and turns off the monitor that’s making such a racket.

  “That will buy you a few minutes before the nurses come in. I’ll just give you guys a minute.” He says, grabbing his lab coat, placing a kiss on the side of Charlie’s head before leaving the room.

  I notice she’s in a pair of dark blue scrubs that are ten sizes too big for her.

  “Charlie?” I question again.

  “First, let me just start by saying how unbelievably relieved I am
that you’re ok. But secondly, I want to kick your ass.”

  “I’m sorry?” I ask.

  “Why, Leni? Why’d you do it?” she demands, tears welling up in her eyes.

  “Do what? What’d I do?” I ask. Did I do something terrible while I was out of it?

  “Leni, I’m just going to be blunt here because this isn’t a time when I can beat around the bush. Why’d you try to kill yourself? Why would you do that to me? To Jay? Regardless of what was happening, you can always come to me! I could have helped you.” she bangs on her chest emphatically.

  “Whoa, back the truck up! Kill myself? Charlie, what are talking about? That was over a year ago before I even knew you.” What the heck?

  “Leni, I’m not talking about a year ago, here. I’m talking about last night at the convention center!” she cries.

  “Wait, what? Last night? And hold the phone because I definitely didn’t try to kill myself last night!” I look down at my heavily bandaged arms, and I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. Did I?

  “Leni…”

  “Charlie. I’m so confused, you have no idea, but I am almost one hundred percent sure I wasn’t suicidal yesterday. I was upset. Ok, well I was more than upset, but I wasn’t going to try and kill myself!” I exclaim. “What happened to me?”

  “We found you in the bathroom. You’d cut your wrists.”

  “Charlie…I didn’t do that!” I’m frantic now.

  “Ok, ok! I believe you.” She says, but I see the doubt. “What do you remember?”

  I think really hard and then I remember Cash and the plan we’d concocted to try and record a confession.

  “I think it was Cash Noland. He drugged me.”

  “Huh?”

  “Ok, I can’t remember details, but I remember enough… I was in that room next to the green room and he came in spouting his usual garbage, and I decided to try and get him talking so I agreed to have a drink with him. I just remember feeling really out of it and then him telling me that he heard Gordon talking and he knew what we were trying to do. After that it is blank. He had to have put something in the cider he gave me.” I say, my mind trying to scrape together any other detail I can recall.