Anchored To Love

by S. M. Stryker

  “You think it’s a boy? I’ll be happy no matter what God gives me as long as it’s healthy.”

  “I don’t know why I said that. It was almost like it told me.”

  Another contraction hits and it’s big and lasts longer than the others lasted, and I feel like I have to push. I call the nurse and pant out that I need to push. “Charlie, the doctor just checked you and you still had a ways to go.”

  “Then why do I feel as if I need to push?”

  The nurse comes in. “I’ll check you real quick.” The nurse checks me and looks at me with wide eyes, “Okay, I’m going to call the doctor.” The nurse leaves the room and comes back in with a rolling tray with a bunch of sterile packages, and another nurse comes in pushing a heating tray. Once they are setup they leave briefly and my nurse comes in with a bassinette.

  “So you never answered me, what are you going to call him?”

  “If it’s a boy, his name will be Braydon Jaxon Modell.”

  “Oh, Charlie I love it. Do you know what Jaxon means?”

  “Yes, ‘God has been Gracious, He has shown favor,’”

  “How did you come up with Jaxon?”

  “It came to me in my sleep that night, a month after Braydon died, the night I was finally able to sleep. It came to me then. I haven’t come up with a girl’s name yet.”

  “You’re not going to have to, Braydon will be arriving shortly. You’re going to have another long contraction; I need to call the nurse.” Raven pushes the call button.

  “Yes, can I help you?”

  “I think someone should get in here quickly.” Raven says to the intercom. “Don’t push, just relax, and breathe.”

  The nurse walks in. Raven is looking at me, but talking to the nurse. “Has the doctor been called?”

  “No, not yet, we need to get things set up.”

  “The baby is going to be born on the next contraction, so I suggest you call her fast or get ready to catch a baby.”

  The nurse calls the doctor, washes her hands, and dons some gloves. “Would you please hit the call button?”

  Raven pushes the button, as I start another contraction. “May I help you?”

  “Helen, I need some help quickly.”

  I’m looking at Raven, concentrating on her face, taking short, shallow breaths. “Oh my God, I feel him slipping down, what an incredible feeling. Oh now it burns!”

  “Breathe through it, Charlie. His head is coming out,” Raven says.

  A nurse walks through the door. “Oh Shit!” She doesn’t even have time to wash her hands; she puts some alcohol foam on her hands and grabs a pair of gloves, then grabs a cloth.

  “Okay the head is out,” the nurse says. The baby’s body rotates and slips out into her hands. The other nurse suctions out his mouth and nose then clamps the umbilical cord.

  “Can Raven cut the umbilical cord?”

  “Of course.”

  The doctor walks in as Raven is cutting the cord. Raven’s eyes are brimming with tears. I pull my gown down as they lay my precious little baby boy on my chest. “Oh Charlie, look at all those dark curls,” the doctor says. She met Braydon a couple times at my appointments. “Do you have a name picked out for your son?”

  “Braydon Jaxon Modell.”

  “Charlie, that’s a perfect name for him. How did you know you were having a boy?” she asks.

  “I didn’t, Raven did.” Raven just looks at the doctor and shrugs her shoulders.

  God, there is no better feeling than having your baby lie on your chest, as he nuzzles for my breast. The nurse helps me sit up and shows me how to put him on my breast to suckle while the doctor finishes. We did it Braydon. Look at your son. He’s beautiful, just like his daddy. Oh Braydon, what am I going to do without you? God, I miss you so much, I wish I could just hold you and kiss you one more time. Please visit me in my dreams. I love you.

  “Are you okay, Charlie? Are you in pain?” The doctor asks.

  “Not that kind of pain. Just the emotional pain of missing Braydon and knowing his son will never know what kind of man he was.”

  Jaxon falls asleep. “Do you want to hold him?” I ask Raven.

  She looks at me, and her eyes light up as the first tears start to roll down her cheek, and all she can do is nod her head. Raven holds him for a little while before the nurse has to take him to get him weighed, measured, and he will get his first bath.

  “Will you get pictures of him getting his first bath?”

  “Yes, I would love to.” Raven hands the baby to the nurse, and she puts him in the bassinette, covers him up, and pushes him to the nursery, as Raven follows.

  “Doctor … I … don’t feel …”

  “She’s crashing! I need a crash cart to room 622 stat!”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Charlie

  I FINALLY HAVE ENERGY; I haven’t felt this good since, well, since I was pregnant. I sit up in bed and stretch. God that feels good; I haven’t been able to stretch either without pulling something.

  I never realized how annoying those monitors were. I get up out of bed, surprised that I’m not sore. I walk down the hall and into the chapel and sit. I feel him before I see him. I stand and look at him. “Braydon! Did you see him? Did you see our little boy? He looks just like you.”

  “I did see him. He’s beautiful, but I knew he would be, all I had to do is look at you. You are more beautiful than I remember, Charlie. You did well with our son.”

  “I didn’t think I would ever see you again, I’ve missed you so much Braydon. Why did you have to go? Why were you taken from me? I don’t want to live without you.”

  “You have to Charlie, you have to take care of Jaxon, and you have to show him how to play baseball. You need to show him just how precious life is and why it’s so important to you, and you need to show him how to love. You will need to find that true love, Charlie, your soul mate.”

  “You were my soul mate, Braydon.”

  “No, you know I wasn’t. I was just here to help you through a tough time in your life; you will know him when you see him.”

  “But all I want is you, Braydon. You make me whole.”

  “But he will make you feel alive again, and you haven’t felt that way in years.”

  The chapel doors open and a man and woman come through the doors holding each other, sobbing. “Why didn’t she tell us? She’s always trying to prove she can do things on her own.” They pull away from each other. It’s Mommy and Daddy. Why are they crying?

  I look at Braydon, “Is the baby all right?”

  “Yes, the baby is fine.”

  “Then why?”

  The door opens again and Raven walks through. “Hi, I’m Raven, Charlie’s best friend and roommate. Jaxon is in the nursery while they work on Charlie, if you would like to go and see him.”

  “Thank you, Raven.” They leave and Raven stays.

  “Charlie, you need to come back. Braydon, you need to make her see that she belongs here with Jaxon.”

  “I want to stay here with Braydon, Raven. Please don’t make me come back.”

  “Are you going to walk away from Jaxon? I don’t know that I am ready to raise a child, Charlie. Remember, it was Jaxon that made you want to live again after Braydon died. Your baby needs you, he needs his mommy, and I need you.”

  “Charlie, you have to go back, I will always be with you. I will visit you in your dreams, just like I did when we picked Jaxon’s name, remember?”

  “I knew it; I knew you gave me his name. You will come to me?”

  “Yes, I will come to you when you need me. But after a while, you will love someone else and he will help you.”

  “But I need you, Braydon.”

  “I will always be here.” He places his hand over my heart. “It’s time to go, Charlie.”

  “Please just hold me one more time, please.”

  Braydon wraps his arms around me so tight, I feel my heart beating hard in my chest. I gasp for air and whisper, “Bray
don, I will always love you and miss you.”

  “She’s back,” someone says.

  “Thank God.” I hear someone else say.

  “Charlie, can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?”

  “Lights … bright.”

  “Sorry, honey,” someone says.

  I try to open my eyes. The lights have been turned low. I open them and start to look around. I see my doctor leaning over me. “Charlie, do you know where you are?”

  “Hospital.”

  “Do you know why?”

  “Jaxon.”

  “You gave us quite the scare tonight.”

  “Had to see Braydon, tell him about Jaxon.”

  “Well, the next time you have to see Braydon, will you tell me first so I can be a little more prepared?”

  “Okay, Doc, I’m so tired; I’ll just close my eyes for a little while.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Charlie

  I AWAKE TO WHISPERS and coos. I open my eyes, looking for anything I can recognize. Sitting in a rocking chair, I see my mommy holding Jaxon, talking to him quietly. She’s talking to him about me, about how I was as a baby and a little girl. Sitting next to me holding my hand is Raven. I squeeze her hand. “Oh God, Charlie!” She stands and leans over and gives me a big hug. “Do you know how scared we were?”

  I turn my head to the movement that I saw out of the corner of my eye. “Your baby is beautiful.”

  I try to talk, but my throat is so dry, I try to clear my throat, but it doesn’t help. Raven picks up a water bottle and puts the straw to my lips. “Drink slowly.”

  “Hi, Mommy.”

  “Hi, baby. How are? You gave us quite a scare last night, and this little man wasn’t happy he didn’t have his mommy.”

  She hands me Jaxon, this is the first time I have seen him cleaned and I can really get a good look at him. He has dark curly hair reminiscent of Braydon’s, and just a trace of his eyelashes that are barely showing. His eyes are blue, but from what I read, most babies are born with blue eyes and then they change. I kiss his forehead, pull open my gown, and position him how the nurse showed me. His eyes are closed and I touch his lips to my nipple. It’s as if he is a little bird shaking his head back and forth searching, as I put my nipple in his mouth and he latches on. The feeling is nothing like I have ever felt. There’s a tingling sensation and I realize my milk had just come in, and I’m in awe of all the new experiences I will be having.

  “Where’s Daddy?”

  Just at that moment, Daddy walks through the door. “He’s right here,” he says. “You gave us quite the start last night, not to mention we weren’t prepared for this little guy.” Daddy looks at me with a questioning look.

  “So,” Daddy says. “We’ve been here all night and not seen one sign of Braydon. What’s going on? Was he not man enough to stick around when things got tough?” I look up at Raven she shakes her head, tear brim my eyes. “What kind of a man leaves when he gets someone pregnant? If I ever see him …”

  Tears are running down my face now. “STOP!” I yell, startling Jaxon, and his little chin starts to quiver and he begins to cry. Everything is quiet except for Jaxon’s crying. I start to quietly talk to him kissing him as the tears continue to slide down my cheeks, not only for the loss of Braydon, but now because I have just raised my voice and scared Jaxon.

  “I’m going to go get a cup of coffee,” Raven says, as she leans over, kissing Jaxon and me on the head. “Take a deep breath and slowly let it out. He knows you’re upset and that will upset him,” she whispers in my ear.

  In a quiet voice, I continue. “You want to know why I didn’t say anything about Jaxon. This is the reason—you always criticize before you even know what is going on.” I take a deep breath. “You both were so disappointed when I moved back, as if I did it to hurt you. You didn’t even know how bad it was. So I came home determined to make it on my own, never asking you for your help because I didn’t want to live under your rules and demands.”

  “Well, the least he could have done was to let us know that you were even pregnant. He promised he would stay in touch with us and we haven’t heard anything from him for five or six months. If that’s the type of man he is …”

  In a low growl, I look up at my father and quietly say, as not to scare Jaxon again. “I said to stop!”

  He stops and looks at me in surprise. I haven’t ever talked to my parents that way before, but I won’t put up with their judgment. “You want to know why Braydon isn’t here. He’s dead.”

  My mom gasps, her hand flies to her mouth as if to stop the sounds from escaping it. “What? How?” she asks.

  I tell them the incidents of that night. Reliving everything, being scared, and the blood that I couldn’t stop. Braydon’s dying words to me, and the emptiness I felt. Knowing that I would be having this baby on my own and raising him without Braydon. “You see Daddy, not everything is what it appears to be. So you have the choice to make, you can either stop judging and have Jaxon and me in your life, or you can keep judging and not be able to see your grandson grow up. I’m an adult, you can voice your opinion, but do not judge me or what I do unless you know the whole story. Because I can guarantee, there is always another side that you don’t know. I know I’ll make mistakes, that’s only natural, but I will learn from them. That’s the only way I’ll succeed.”

  “Why don’t you move back home with us so we can help you, so you can finish your education,” Mom asks.

  “I can’t, I need to do this on my own. I don’t want to have to rely on anyone, and I couldn’t do that to Raven.”

  “How are you going to support yourself? You can’t go back to work for a while.”

  “When we found out I was pregnant, Braydon and I started saving more money to make sure we had enough. I will be fine, Mommy.”

  Raven walks in. “I think I feel my ears burning.”

  “You always know when I’m talking about you.” I chuckle.

  “Well, we are going to leave you to rest,” Mommy says, as she leans over and kisses Jaxon and me. “I love you.”

  “I know, Mommy, and I love you both too.”

  Daddy leans and does the same. “I’m sorry sugar, I didn’t …”

  “I know, Daddy. I love you too.”

  Daddy puts his hand in the small of Mom’s back and steers her out of the room.

  Raven closes the door and perches herself in her chair. “So, do you want to tell me why you felt the need to leave us last night?”

  “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, Raven.”

  “You mean about you going to the chapel and seeing Braydon?”

  I look up at Raven. How does she know that? Am I that easy to read, did I want to see him so badly and she knew it?

  “I know the only thing that would take you away from this little precious bundle would be Braydon, and with Jaxon being born, well, anyway …”

  “I really miss him, Raven. I miss everything about him and every time I see Jaxon, I will see Braydon too.”

  “You know you should write down everything about him that you loved, so when Jaxon is older and he’s asking questions you can show him.”

  “That’s a wonderful idea, Raven. I need to also print some of the pictures on my phone so he can see his daddy. So, you called Mom and Dad last night?”

  “Well, technically it was this morning. Charlie, I knew where you went, but I didn’t know if they were going to be able to bring you back. As I said, I don’t know if I’m capable of taking care of a baby, at least not by myself.”

  “I know, I heard you and them in the chapel. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare anyone.”

  “Well, from now on, just have him visit you in your dreams.”

  “How do you know he’s visited me in my dreams?”

  “I don’t know, isn’t that where they say all ghosts go to see their loved ones?”

  “All I know is I see you doing it more and more. It’s like you always know what I’m thinking �
�� Do do do do, do do do do,” Charlie says, imitating The Twilight Zone theme song.

  “Whatever,” Raven says, as she pushes me. “You haven’t moved around a lot, let’s get you out of bed and walk around the floor. We need to show off your little man.

  I have been in the hospital for three days now and I am starting to go stir crazy, when my doctor walks through the door. I have Jaxon in my hands talking to him as if he could understand me.

  “Well by the looks of it, you must be going a little stir crazy.”

  I look up at her. “Just a tad.” I laugh. “I can see how some moms can go off the deep end.”

  “So are you telling me that you want to go home and you will be fine, or do I need a psych evaluation before you leave?” She chuckles at me.

  “Really, I can go home?” I say. I’m almost doing a happy dance in bed.

  “You haven’t had any other issues, Jaxon is doing well, I don’t see why not.”

  I start clapping quietly. “Thank you, I am so excited to get home.”

  “First, you have rules.”

  I look up at her with a confused look. I didn’t know there were rules when you leave the hospital. What are they going to do, call the hospital police? “Okay.”

  “First, you are not to work for at least three months. This is mandatory.”

  Wow, I think, how can they do that? Does she require that for all of her patients, I wonder?

  You are not to lift anything heavier than Jaxon, and to make things easier for you, I brought you your bill for your hospital stay.”

  I think all the blood left my face. I don’t know that I really want to see how much I owe. We saved up several thousand dollars, but after my little jaunt with my out of body experience, well, I know I will be paying for the rest of my life.

  “Don’t look so gloomy, isn’t he worth it?”

  I look down at my little man. He’s asleep and dreaming. His eyes flicker and then he smiles and I see a dimple in his cheek—it’s the first time I have noticed it. “He is worth every penny. I don’t care if I have to pay for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t change a thing.”