Anchored To Love

by S. M. Stryker

  “Oh, Mom.” Raven starts crying again, as Michelle wraps her into her arms. “I have waited so long to feel your arms around me. I love Toby so much, and I was horrible to him. I was just in shock. I should have known he was looking for you. What am I going to do? I can’t lose him.”

  “You’re going to have to give him time. Then if he is worth fighting for, you do anything to fight for what you love. That’s what I should have done for you. I was so naive.”

  “But what if he …”

  “One thing I do know, is that Toby loves you and would do anything for you.”

  “Thanks, Mom. After I get things fixed, we need to try this again.”

  “That sounds wonderful. You go home and get some rest.”

  I call a taxi and we go back to Raven and Char’s apartment. Charlie and I need to talk things out. After seeing what happened with Raven and Toby, it rather brought a light to us, and how I think we blew things out of proportion. To be honest, I don’t think I could walk away from Char if I tried. I think I owe Raven a big apology for last week.

  We walk into the apartment. “I’m going to go to bed; I hope you both don’t mind.”

  “Of course not, do you need me to get you anything?” Char asks.

  “No, thank you.”

  “Good night, baby girl,” I say to Raven and kiss her on the forehead.

  A few minutes later, a girl walks into the living room with the cutest baby I have ever seen—dark curly hair and blue-green eyes. “Zain, this is Katie. Katie, this is Zain. We met when I was going to school in Tennessee.”

  “This is Zain? I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  “Katie!” Char took the baby out of Katie’s arms.

  “Well, it’s true.”

  “Katie and I were in nursing together before … we were in nursing together until a year ago.”

  “So you decided a profession?” I ask.

  “Yes, I think I have always wanted to be in the healthcare field, but I knew I couldn’t afford medical school, so I did the next best thing, nursing.”

  “God, she’s good at it too. She would have been valedictorian in our class if … well, if she would have finished,” Katie says.

  I reach my hand out. “Nice to meet you, Katie.”

  “Likewise, Zain.” Katie giggles and looks at Char and wiggles her eyebrows with a big smile on her face. She turns and walks to the door. “Just call me when you need me … it doesn’t have to be just for work,” she says, as she looks between both Charlie and me. Then turns and walks out the door.

  “So … you were talking about me?”

  “No, that was a different Zain that I know.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Sit and make yourself comfortable,” Char says.

  We both sit down. “This is Braydon Jaxon Modell.”

  “He’s beautiful, Char.”

  “Thank you, Zain. He’s the only thing that kept me going last year.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Let me get him ready for bed, then we won’t have to worry about interruptions.”

  “Ok, can I watch?”

  Char laughs. “If you want to.”

  Char stands and walks into the kitchen. “I need to give him a bath.” She goes to the sink and washes it out, then starts to fill it up with water. As it fills, she walks down the hall, then reemerges with a towel and some pajamas. I stand and walk over to the countertop and watch as she lays him on the towel and starts to undress him. “The one thing I’ve learned about little boys is they have little fire hoses and they can spray all over.” She starts to laugh.

  “God, I can’t believe you have a baby.”

  “I know. I was really blessed. I don’t know what I would have done after Braydon died, if I hadn’t been pregnant.” She picks Jaxon up and places him in the sink.

  “I like your bathtub.”

  “God, I tried to do the tub thing, nothing like killing your back. This is convenient. My mom told me that this is what she did too, until I was old enough to sit in a tub without falling over.”

  “So you and your parents, are you getting along?”

  “Better since Jaxon was born. I hadn’t told them I was pregnant, they knew about Braydon; we had been together for several years. He was killed last September. I was about four months along. I was working the night Braydon died; actually, both Raven and I were working. Anyway, I worked until my waters broke. I was bartending. Raven took me to the hospital and after I had Jaxon I started to fade, I remember saying to myself … to Braydon, that we did it, we had a beautiful son. That was one of the last times I saw him. I walked down to the chapel and sat. He came in not too long after. We talked, he told me that I would find my soul mate and that I would know who it was as soon as I saw him. I thought he was my soul mate, but he said he was only there to help me through a tough time in my life. I told him that he made me whole. But he said my soul mate would make me feel alive again. Then my parents came through the chapel doors crying and holding each other. They didn’t understand why I hadn’t told them about the baby. I thought they were crying about the baby, I thought something was wrong with him, then Raven came in and told my parents to go see the baby. Raven told me I had to come back. Somehow she knew I was in the chapel, she told me that she wasn’t ready to raise a child on her own and how could I walk away from a child that saved my life. She told me that Jaxon needed his mommy. She told Braydon that he needed to send me back, so he did, Braydon told me I had to go back. He told me that he would always be in my heart.”

  “That’s an unbelievable story. So Raven called your parents?”

  “Yes, she had just left the room with Jaxon and I crashed. It was then that they didn’t know if they could bring me back, so she called them.”

  Char dries Jaxon off and puts him in his pajamas. She asks me to hold him while she fixes him a bottle. He is so alert; he watches everything going on around him as if he is soaking everything in. After she makes his bottle I ask, “May I?” Asking for the bottle. She hands it to me. “Does he have a soft little blanket?” She goes into her room and comes back with a soft blanket. I walk over to the couch and sit, positioning his head in the crook of my left arm. I pull the blanket up next to his ear and I tap his lip with the nipple of the bottle. He looks right at me and smiles one of the biggest smiles. “He has a dimple.”

  “Oh my gosh, I’ve never seen him smile so big before.”

  “It’s probably just gas,” I say. I put the nipple to his lips again, and he opens his mouth and starts to suck. After he’s finished his bottle and I have burped him, I take him into his room and lay him in his crib, then return to the living room.

  “Should we check on Raven? I could still hear her crying,” I say to Char.

  “Yeah, it’s probably a good idea.”

  “I’ll check on her.” I walk back to her door and lightly knock on it.

  “Yes?”

  “Raven, it’s Carson, can I come in?”

  “I really don’t feel like talking, Carson.”

  “Are you decent?”

  “Yes.”

  I open the door and walk in not waiting to be invited. “Carson …”

  “Don’t Carson me. I have a few things to say to you and you are going to listen.” Raven sits up in bed and looks at me. “This will be one of the only times I will say this, and if it leaves this room I will deny it. You were right last week, I am sorry for what I said to you, and I’m sorry for hurting your feelings. I don’t know where you get your insight from, but I think I will be listening to it more in times to come. And I will deny that statement too.”

  “I’m sorry for butting into your life; I just know I could see you two together.”

  “Raven, Toby loves you, he will be back. You need to start listening to yourself. You need to stop your crying and focus on everything good.”

  “I guess it’s just hard, because he won’t answer the phone or my texts.”

  “He will, just give him
a little time. Now stop your crying, I will be on the couch tonight if you need anything.”

  “Thank you, Carson.”

  “You are welcome.” I lean over and kiss her on the cheek. I get up, walk to the door, and turn to her. “Raven, I will always be here for you, thank you for showing me what’s important.” I walk through the door and close it behind me.

  I walk back to the couch and sit down. “So can I tell you what you saw?”

  “Yes please.”

  “I know it looked bad, but it was computer applications. That’s how I made money. I would give them to the rugby team and they would beta test them for me. If they crashed, I would fix them and try it again. If they didn’t, I would put them on the market to sell. Now, I will say that I have smoked pot at parties, but not since meeting you. Char, I knew that was very important to you and you were very important to me, I wouldn’t risk that. In fact, Dylan said he would vouch for me.”

  “Oh Zain, God, all this time. I’m sorry.”

  “Things happen for a reason, it just wasn’t our time. Can I ask you a question?”

  “Of course.”

  “What happened at the softball meeting?”

  “The coach called me out in front of the team; she tried to get me to tell her who was breaking the rules, I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about. When she dismissed the team, I laid into her about throwing me under the bus. Once I moved back here, she called to see where I was at, and when I was coming back. I told her that there was no way I could come back after what she had accused me of. She sent me a letter from the Dean stating the timeframe, which the investigation started with the rugby team. I know she wanted me back, but I just couldn’t go back there. So, I stayed here and got a small scholarship for volleyball and played for a year. I was on my own and was living on the streets, that’s when I met Raven; we looked out for each other. Shit, she was only sixteen, I couldn’t imagine being that young on the streets, it was bad enough at eighteen. I needed money to survive so I got a job at a gentlemen’s club, then I got Raven a job there too. Braydon was a bartender there. I knew he liked me, but I wasn’t ready for anything like that. He found out that I was living on the street and asked me and Raven to move in with him. Raven and I shared a room. As time went on Braydon and I got together, and I think you know the rest.”

  “I knew you wouldn’t do what they said, but when you wouldn’t return my calls, I started to think the worst. I even came back here to try to find you. I called your parents and they didn’t know where you were at either.”

  “You called my parents?”

  “I had to find you. And as time went on, I just got more and more bitter.” I ran my knuckle softly down the side of her cheek as she leaned into it.

  “Char, I meant what I said the night before you left. I never thought I would get over the hurt I felt when you left me behind.”

  “Zain, you can’t tell me that you have gone six years without sex.”

  “No, I didn’t, but that doesn’t mean it meant anything to me. I couldn’t look them in the face, because all I saw was you. No one ever compared to you. I was lost, living in a colorless world, roaming for anything to make me feel better, but nothing did, and I was empty.” I run my thumb over her bottom lip as she opens her mouth and bites the pad of my thumb. I close my eyes and a groan emanates from deep in my chest. My breath hitches, my stomach turns, and I feel flushed, and my cock is instantly hard with just that nibble of her teeth on my thumb. Fuck me.

  “So you never had another relationship?”

  “No, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t let myself get hurt like that again.”

  “I’m sorry Zain, I was so obstinate back then. Softball was what I had dreamed and worked for. I didn’t want to risk losing my dream and when I received the video and text, I didn’t look at it any other way than what they were saying. I was so emotional after the meeting and the video just sealed the whole thing up into a nice little package. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. I should have stayed and talked to you, but I didn’t want to be naive to the situation, and I knew you liked to party. I don’t know what to say other than, I’m sorry.”

  “And now? What happened to your dreams?”

  “My dream changed, and he’s sleeping in my room. Sometimes you have to put your original dreams aside for new dreams. They’re not my dreams anymore, they’re Jaxon’s dreams. I have to finish school to put him in the best situation so he can succeed.”

  “So can we start over? Can we move on from here? Do you want to move on?”

  “I would like that, Zain, but I have Jaxon and he is my number one priority.”

  “I’m not asking you to change that. He should be your priority, but there still has to be room for friends.”

  “You handled Jaxon like you have taken care of babies before. Do you have a child?”

  “No, but when I was traveling, I had to do something to fill that emptiness that I was feeling inside me, so I put some of my energy into volunteering at a children’s hospital. I spent a lot of time rocking babies that needed to be loved and held, and children that were by themselves, scared and lonely, like me.”

  A tear escapes and rolls down Char’s cheek.

  “What’s this for?” I wipe it away.

  “I feel like … I’m so confused. I loved you so much, and then there’s Braydon, and I loved him, I feel like I’m betraying him by even thinking about you.”

  “I would never want you to forget Braydon. He’s Jaxon’s father and he needs to know him and what a good man he was. But you need to also show Jaxon how to love. Let’s just take it slow and get to know each other again. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Charlie

  I AWAKE to soft sobs from Raven’s room. I look at my clock and see that it’s seven in the morning. I realize that Jaxon didn’t wake in the middle of the night. I jump out of bed and he isn’t in his crib. I start to panic as I walk out to the living room, and lying on the couch is Jaxon, asleep on Zain’s chest, his arms wrapped around him so he doesn’t fall off. An empty bottle sits on the floor. I smile and breathe a sigh of relief.

  I walk back to Raven’s door and lightly tap on it. “Raven, can I come in? She makes a noise and I take that as a yes. I walk into her room. There are tissues everywhere, and Raven’s eyes are swollen. I sit at the end of her bed. “Have you slept at all?”

  She just shakes her head as she grabs a tissue and blows her nose, tossing the tissue at the waist can. It misses, like the previous fifty tissues that litter the floor. “How are you planning on going to work looking like this?”

  “Charlie, I can’t go in, I’m a mess, and I wouldn’t be able to work like this. I think I lost him, Charlie.” Raven breaks out in another sobbing fit. “I love him and I threw him away, he hasn’t returned any of my calls or texts, none.” She sobs some more.

  “I’ll call the office and let Beckett know.”

  “Thank you, Charlie.”

  I walk into the kitchen and pull a cold compress out of the freezer, wrap it in a hand towel, and take it back to Raven. “Lie down and put this on your eyes.”

  I take her phone so I can call Beckett. I tell him that there was an issue with her and Toby and that no one knows where he is and he’s not answering his calls or texts. He says he will try to contact him as well.

  I put her phone on the counter and walk over to the couch. I know Zain needs to go to work. I will be home for Raven.

  I kneel on the floor as I look at the man in front of me. I try to remember back all those years ago to the boy that I had fallen in love with. He was always in good shape, but now he looks leaner with broader shoulder, his face has more definition. I never would have pictured what is lying in front of me, him holding my sleeping baby. I softly brush my finger across his eyebrow and down his cheek. He starts to stir, then, as if he realized he still had Jaxon on his chest, he lifts his head before moving, gripping Jaxon tighter so he doesn’t fall.
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br />   I whisper in his ear. “Wake up sleepy head.” He turns his head to look over at me. He looks so young, a playful smile on his face.

  “Hi beautiful,” he says with a smile, his eyes shining as he looks at me.

  My heart flutters with his words and a warmth runs through my body. Braydon was right, I do feel alive again, but why, if I loved Braydon, didn’t I feel this way with him.

  “When did you get Jaxon? I didn’t even hear him last night.”

  “Maybe a couple hours ago. He might have gone back to sleep, but I didn’t want him to wake you up, so I got up and fixed him a bottle and we fell asleep again.”

  “Well, I don’t want you to be late to work.”

  “Beckett and Richard are pretty cool. They don’t have a set time for me to come in as long as I get my work done. By the way, I was going to mention something, but never really got around to it.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I think you stepped out on the wild side.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Six years ago, you were this straight-laced, clean-cut college girl, now you’re sporting ink, plugs, and a dermal. You kind of went all wild child on me.” He chuckles.

  “Call it my rebellion stage. Maybe because I was so straight-laced or just wanting to express myself more.”

  “Maybe you can show me them some day.”

  “Maybe.” I stand and take Jaxon off his chest so he can sit up. I take him and put him in his crib. I walk back out to the living room. “You’re really good with him.”

  “He seems like a real happy baby.”

  “I got real lucky with him, he is a happy baby. I think God thought I had been through enough and he gave me Jaxon.”

  “How is Raven doing? I heard her crying when I went to get Jaxon.”

  “I don’t know if she slept at all last night. She thinks she’s lost him.”

  “I can understand him being hurt and needing to clear his head. From what I know of him, Raven is his first relationship. It sounds like he is hers too. They just need to learn to work together if they want to make it work. If he chooses to walk away, then it’s better for her that it’s ending early. But I think he just needs to clear his head and think about what he would be walking away from.”