Rather Be (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  Pinching the bridge of his nose, I got the distinct impression I was pissing him off. Shit, I was already scared enough of the guy; I didn’t want to poke a raging bull. But come on, he was acting like a total dick.

  “How do I explain this so that you’ll understand?” He sighed. “I will not allow you to destroy my son’s life. You will not steal him from us this way.”

  I shot him an incredulous look. “I’m not stealing anyone. He loves you guys. He’ll always be your son, no matter where he is in the world.”

  “My wife will not survive this. If you take him from us, it will be like reliving Reagan’s death all over again.”

  “That is so unfair to Nixon,” I whispered, then found the strength in my voice again. “Do you hear yourself right now? You can’t put that kind of pressure on him.”

  “I want my son to have a wonderful life.”

  “And he will.”

  “With you?”

  It was kind of impossible not to be insulted by the sharp sting in his tone. “I…I’ll do everything in my power to make him happy.”

  “How can you say that? The only reason Nixon wants to travel right now is because of you. If you weren’t in the equation, he’d be getting excited about college. As it should be. He’s too intelligent for this, and his talent will be wasted if he goes off traveling. And if you think a cent of my money is going to help you take this reckless trip, then you can think again. I will cut off Nixon’s financial supply if he chooses to use that money for anything other than college.”

  My frown deepened. We’d totally planned on using that money.

  But I wouldn’t let it deter me.

  “Okay, fine.” I threw up my hand. “We won’t travel yet. He can go to college and I’ll work my ass off saving for our trip. We can go after he’s graduated.”

  Mr. Holloway’s smile was hard and unrelenting. “He’ll need to think about entering the workforce then.”

  My eyes started to prickle as it hit me that no matter what I said, Nixon’s dad would have a perfect rebuttal.

  “Think about it. You’ll be slaving away while he studies and figures out what he wants to do with his life. You’ll go insane with boredom and restlessness, unwittingly putting pressure on him. You know how desperate he is to please the people he loves. He’d do anything for you, and you say you’d do anything to keep him happy, but be realistic. You’re wild and spontaneous. He’s the exact opposite. You’re not a good match. You don’t fit into the world he belongs in.”

  “But I love him,” I squeaked.

  “Then break up with him before any more damage can be done. I know it will hurt you both, but you’ll move on and it’ll be for the best. Do you really want to create a wedge in the family? We’ve already lost so much.”

  I scoffed and shook my head. “You’re the one trying to create the wedge. If you’d just accept me and allow Nixon to follow his dreams—”

  “He doesn’t even know what his dreams are. He’s following you. He hasn’t even had a chance to work out who he is yet. You need to allow him to do that.”

  “But…why? I mean, how can you ask me to hurt him this way? Don’t you want your son to be happy?”

  “And you think you can make him that?” Mr. Holloway’s expression and tone mocked me. “I’m his father. I know what's best for my own child, and I won't lose him to someone who's not even worthy of him.”

  Ouch. It stung like a slap to the face, and my expression must have told him as much.

  With a sigh, he softened his voice. “Please hear my logic. I’m protecting you both from romantic notions that will only end in disaster.”

  “Or be brilliant,” I retorted.

  “The fact that you can’t say that without your voice shaking tells me you understand what I’m trying to say. I know you don’t want to hear any of this, but please, think about it. We will not support Nixon if he chooses to take this path with you. And right now he’s too high on love to see anything clearly. It’s up to you to save him. Think about who you are. Imagine the future. And do the right thing.” His voice was so certain, it was hard not to buy in to what he was saying, but then he sealed it with a threat that made my skin prickle. “I’m not above using any resources or connections I have to protect my family. I know a lot of important people in this city.”

  I frowned, trying to figure out what the hell he was saying.

  “Do you have any idea who I am and what I'm capable of?”

  “You're…a lawyer.”

  He chuckled. “And you know what lawyers do, right? We make up stories for a living. We take tiny threads, little pieces of information, and weave them into believable stories. We convince judges and jurists of an individual's innocence or guilt. We have the power to save or destroy people. Tell me, what position do you think I'd take if I had to save or destroy you?"

  “But I haven't done anything wrong!”

  "It doesn't matter. I just have to convince people you have. And trust me. I am very, very good at what I do. It’ll take me a two-minute phone call to bring a restraining order against the girl who is stalking my son and threatening to destroy my wife’s life. I can have articles published in magazines, papers…online. Social media is a powerful weapon, and people will believe anything. I could black mark you for the rest of your life. Think of the impact that will have on all the people you care about. Your mom with her little craft shop. I wonder how it would affect her business? And your dad, the dedicated school teacher. It’d make his job pretty tough when rumors about his psychotic daughter start circulating.”

  My lips parted in surprise, dread and fear swirling inside me like a toxic cocktail. The look on his face warned me to believe him.

  “If you don’t take this conversation seriously, you’ll force my hand. I will not have you anywhere near my home…or my son.”

  “But…” My argument kind of died inside of me then. I wasn’t capable of taking on a ferocious giant like Malcolm Holloway.

  “Don’t make him choose between us. Our family has been through enough. I need to protect the people I love.”

  “I’m not going to hurt him or destroy his life! That’s what you’re trying to do right now!”

  He scoffed and shook his head. “You’re too young to understand these things. Just trust me. You and Nixon don’t have a future together.”

  “I’m not Reagan,” I spat.

  His eyes shot to mine, dark with thunderous warning.

  I shrank away from his black look.

  “Do the right thing.” His voice shook. “You save our family from falling apart and make the choice for him!” He pointed at me.

  Tears burned my eyes as I gazed at the man’s steely expression. “You’re not going to fold, are you?”

  “I don’t fold. I win.”

  My nostrils flared as a spike of hatred shot through me. “You know it’s not my choice. You’re forcing me into a corner.”

  He nodded, turning away as if embarrassed by my tears.

  “I can’t break up with him.” I shook my head. “There’s no way I can look at his face and actually say the words.”

  Mr. Holloway nodded. “I understand. I can pass on a message if you need me to.”

  My heart sank. “Will he actually get it? Or will it just be whatever lies you choose to feed him?”

  He sidestepped my question with a sad smile. “Think about our family and everything we’ve lost. Think about your family and everything you’ll be saving them from. How do you think your parents will feel if their daughter has a restraining order placed against her? Nasty articles published about you? The right words told to the right people can really destroy someone’s life.”

  “I should tell Nix what you’re doing,” I seethed.

  “But you won’t.” His expression was hard yet confident. “Because you love him, and you know you’ll only end up destroying his life if you don’t walk away.”

  My throat swelled, making it impossible to argue back. What could I honestl
y say? To Mr. Holloway, I had no more worth than a dried-up piece of gum on the bottom of his shiny shoes.

  “Do the right thing, Charlotte. Find a way to save us all a huge amount of pain.”

  He left a short while later and I stumbled to the couch. Mom and Dad found me in tears about twenty minutes later. I blubbered out the whole story, thinking they’d march me over to the Holloway’s and demand that they stop acting like dicks. But instead they got angry, insisting I never go there again if they were going to treat me so badly.

  They didn’t want me with Nixon if his parents were only going to make it hard for us to be together. I argued that I loved him and we could fight the odds. But when I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked into their faces, I saw the truth.

  They didn’t think Nixon was right for me either…and they didn’t want me ending up dating a guy whose parents wouldn’t appreciate me.

  Mom had spent most of her life putting up with judgments from her family, and my dad barely spoke to his in-laws.

  The awkward wedge had caused so much heartache…so many tears.

  I didn’t want that for Nixon. His parents might be a little up themselves, but they were his parents and I couldn’t tear them apart. Not after they’d lost Reagan.

  And I couldn’t rob Nixon of a college education or taint him with any black marks flung against me.

  Mr. Holloway was right. Nix was too smart and talented to throw his life away on me.

  So I did the only thing I could. I disappeared to Montana. If I saw Nixon, I would have folded like a deck of cards. So I took off in the night, stole away like a coward, desperately trying to convince myself I was doing the right thing.

  I went for the clean break. Ignored all his calls and texts. Shut down my social media accounts. Went off the grid in the hopes it’d be easier.

  It wasn’t.

  I dreamed about him every night. Missed him every day.

  Aunt Jessica was kind and sympathetic. She rubbed my back as my stomach jerked with sobs. She distracted me with photography and helped me find some new dreams.

  But they were never as bright and shiny as the ones Nixon and I had dreamed up in that tent.

  Maybe that was why I’d never had the courage to actually leave and travel the world on my own.

  Maybe all that time, I’d been waiting for him.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Nixon

  Well, lunch was a bust.

  I offered to drive the rest of the way to Albuquerque, and it was a damn quiet ride.

  Music was playing the whole time but there was no more head-banging, singing, laughter—any of the things that defined Charlie and me.

  It was so weird being with her and not having fun.

  I hated it.

  But I wasn’t funny or quirky enough to break the spell.

  That was Charlie’s job. I was just a backup performer—never really good enough for her. When I told Mom that, she argued that Charlie wasn’t good enough for me. She was horrified and disappointed that my best friend had taken off without so much as a goodbye. The look on her face told me she knew it would happen eventually. She was livid at Charlie for hurting me, and begged me not to find her. The words were like acid in my ears, but I eventually bought into them. College began and took over my life.

  They’d always warned me that Charlie’s impulsive nature would get me in trouble one day. And it kind of did. She made me buy into a dream that would never come to fruition. She’d always been such an idealist and, in spite of my practical nature, I truly believed we could make it happen. I thought the two of us were the perfect pair.

  *****

  By the time we reached the hotel, I was ready to combust. We unloaded the car and checked in, barely looking at each other. As soon as we reached the room, Charlie locked herself behind the bathroom door.

  I dumped my bag at the end of my bed and raked a hand through my hair.

  All I wanted was to get home to Shayna and be ‘normal’ again.

  Except, the thing was…

  I didn’t want that.

  I wanted the tent in Yosemite. I wanted my senior year of high school.

  I wanted those bursts of color I’d experienced since meeting Charlie in New York to last longer.

  That was the normal I wanted again.

  The normal I could never have.

  The toilet flushed in the bathroom and I gritted my teeth, already dreading the evening. Thankfully it was late and I could use the excuse of another big driving day.

  Our last one.

  Shit. I wanted it to be good. No more of this tense silence!

  I snatched the pillow off my bed and hurled it across the room just as Charlie opened the door.

  Although unintended, my timing was perfect.

  The pillow hit Charlie square in the face and she let out this surprised scream.

  It was the funniest sound I’d heard all day and I cracked up laughing before I could stop myself.

  “What are you, like eight?” She was trying to be mad but she ended up laughing the words as she picked up the pillow and threw it back at me.

  I caught it and kept the game going.

  Maybe it was the release I needed. Or maybe it was a chance to laugh with Charlie again.

  She countered my next attack and leaped for her own ammunition. Snatching pillows, she let out this deep chuckle. The one I’d always adored.

  “I am armed and dangerous now, Holloway.”

  “Bring it on, Watson.”

  With a yell she jumped onto her bed and took the higher ground, firing two pillows at me and batting away my attacks.

  Snatching her pillows, I did a spin and launched them at her, getting knocked in the head by one of her pillow grenades. I laughed and raised my arm against her next pillow missile while inching closer.

  She screamed when I grabbed her leg and gave it a tug. As she fell she snatched my shirt, dragging me down as well. There was no way she’d fall alone. Not when it came to a tussle.

  I lurched forward with a laugh and then an oomph when I landed on her, then quickly lost my balance. Instinct kicked in and I grappled for something to stop my fall, but all I ended up doing was yanking the duvet and we flopped onto the floor together, Charlie’s cheek cracking against mine.

  “Ow,” she groaned, rubbing her face.

  “Sorry.” I laughed, gently moving her hand to get a look. Her cheek was a little red, but nothing major. My own burned but my body was quickly turning numb as it registered the fact that Charlie was lying on top of me.

  I should have been sliding away, walking away…any kind of away, really, but I couldn’t move.

  Because she was right there.

  Her hazel eyes danced with laughter. Her perfect lips were inches from mine.

  My fingers had to touch her. They slid across her soft cheek, remembering exactly what it felt like to hold her. I traced the curve of her ear and ran my fingers into her locks of vibrant hair. As soon as my hand cupped the back of her head, she dove for my mouth.

  The urgency of her kiss told me so much.

  It was all so familiar. The taste of her tongue, the way her body melded against mine. She bent her knees and ground into me, her breasts squishing against my chest. I groaned and cupped her tight butt, squeezing it and being transported back in time.

  My body begged me to explore some more and before I could stop them, my fingers were wriggling beneath her shirt, finding silky soft skin, curves and perfect breasts.

  She moaned into my mouth when I brushed my thumb across her erect nipple.

  My dick danced with joy, growing hard and eager as her tongue twirled around mine.

  I wanted to peel her clothes off, kiss and suck every inch of her.

  Charlie in my arms was right.

  It was natural.

  It would have been so easy to trigger all her sweet spots again. Her panting breaths would grow fast and erratic as I brought her to orgasm, and then she’d scream out, making me feel like a
frickin’ superhero. Then she’d return the favor, sending me on a course around the sun before we’d finish together. Me buried inside her and riding that cloud that even after four years seemed so close, so touchable.

  So incredibly unacceptable.

  An image of Shayna shot through the back of my brain. Me having to tell her—breaking her heart. A woman who’d only ever been good to me.

  It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.

  I was about to cheat on her with a girl who’d torn my heart to shreds.

  The thought pulled me away with a fast jerk. I pushed Charlie off me and scrambled to my feet. Heavy breaths punched out of my chest as I tugged my sweater down to hide my erection. It didn’t really work, so I turned my back on Charlie and stared bug-eyed at the wall.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have—”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I muttered, pissed off that…

  I couldn’t have her.

  My shoulders slumped.

  That was it. Right there.

  She took off and started this whole fucking thing.

  I was where I was because she turned her back on something amazing.

  And I couldn’t have her because I’d moved on like I was told to.

  The good boy.

  “Always the good boy,” I seethed.

  “What?”

  “I’m a good boy.” I scoffed and turned to look at her.

  She stood, straightening her shirt with shaking hands. “You don’t always have to be.”

  The tiny smile on her lips and the fire in her eyes was all the permission I needed.

  I closed the space between us in record time, grabbing her face and finally taking something I wanted. For me. Something for me.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Charlie

  His tongue was hot and fiery as it entered my mouth, reminding me of everything I’d been missing. I was way past horny as Nixon dipped his head and deepened the kiss.

  I wanted to tear the clothes off his body. Lick his torso, go down on him, hear him moan with pleasure before letting him take me on the bed. Hard and fast would suit me fine. We could do slow and easy later in the night when our hearts had found their regular rhythms again.