Then in the morning we could…
The morning.
The next day.
Driving to LA.
Nixon’s girlfriend.
Reality.
The words grew louder and louder, screaming over the chaotic passion trying to drive me forward.
Nixon cupped my breast, giving it a gentle squeezing and turning me on while his tongue skimmed my neck.
His touch tried to claim me, pull me back into dreamland, but then came the shouting again.
It wasn’t right.
Sleeping with Nixon wouldn’t be right.
So far, our love had only ever been pure. Pure passion. Pure innocence. Pure beauty.
If we did it in this hotel room, it’d change all that.
It’d turn Nixon into a cheater and me into the other woman.
“Stop,” I whispered.
It was an effort. I wanted him to keep going so badly.
I even contradicted my words by fisting his hair and holding him against me for a second.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I grimaced and cried out, “Stop! We have to stop!”
Nixon jumped away from me, his face awash with pain. “I don’t want to stop.”
Neither do I!
I wanted to scream the words and then rush back into his arms, but I swallowed hard and croaked out what I was supposed to. “I won’t turn you into a cheater.”
“But I want you.” His voice was broken and bruised. I nearly caved on the spot.
Pulling in a ragged breath, I pinched my nose and turned away from him. “You have a girlfriend.”
His silence made tears swarm onto my lashes. And then he whispered, “I know.”
“You can’t cheat on her. You’ll feel like scum, and it’d ruin everything between us.”
“I know.” He sighed.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I grabbed my shirt and squeezed. He wanted me.
I glanced over my shoulder and caught his eye.
He gave me a sad, pained smile.
It was tempting to shout at him for moving on when I couldn’t.
If he’d just waited for me we could give in to the moment.
But I’d left him. I’d given him every reason to fall for another girl.
“I—”
“I can’t stay in this room with you and not have you,” Nixon whispered. “I won’t be able to control myself.”
His words made me smile. It’d be so easy to give in and write it off as a walk down memory lane. No harm. No foul.
But it wouldn’t work.
Nixon would be ravaged by guilt, and if we did ever get back together, it would taint our whole relationship.
If there was one thing I never wanted to fuck up again, it was Nixon and me.
My lips rose into a shaky smile. “Let’s just keep driving, then. The sooner we get home the sooner we can…figure this out.”
He knew what I was saying, and the small spark in his eyes gave me hope.
There was still so much to say and do, but it looked like my second chance with Nixon could be just around the corner.
*****
We drove in agitated silence at first. We were both exhausted, but we kept pushing. LA was waiting for us. An old life. A new start.
I could almost taste it.
I drifted into a dreamy doze until the early hours of the morning when Nixon woke me to take over for him. He fell asleep as soon as we took off and didn’t rouse until midmorning. By then I was ready to stop for coffee.
We were about two hours out from LA. As tempting as it was to just keep driving, I forced us to stop for a late breakfast in Newberry. We shared a massive stack of pancakes and got extra coffee to go.
Nixon took the last leg and I got music going as soon as I could.
“Another You” by Against the Current started us off and I bobbed my head to the beat. As much as the lyrics wanted to take me out, they couldn’t. Because all I could do was look at Nixon and smile.
Hopefully my kisses last night had shown him how much I had never wanted to say goodbye in the first place. How being back together with him was everything I’d been craving.
When we reached the outskirts of LA, we both kind of tensed. Exhaustion and coffee were making me jumpy, and I figured Nixon wasn’t looking forward to the next part of his life.
Breaking up always sucked. Would he have it in him to do it?
I totally understood the pain of hurting somebody and I wouldn’t rush him, but man, I was desperate.
The sooner he was single, the sooner we could be together.
“This exit,” I murmured when we neared the off-ramp.
He followed my directions and eventually pulled up beside the plaster-clad apartment I called home.
“This looks nice.” He held the door for me as I slipped out of the car.
“Yeah, it’s pretty cool. My roommate’s awesome. She’s Kelly’s sister-in-law.”
Nixon bobbed his head. He’d met my cousin once, and her stunning model-like beauty had turned him into a thick-tongued mumbler. I’d hassled him about it for weeks, loving the red color of his cheeks. I’d never felt jealous or threatened, because although he thought Kelly was gorgeous, he could never fall for a girl like that. She was nothing like me.
Doubts gouged my insides as I thought of his office girl. She was nothing like me, either.
Shit, what if he stayed with her?
Swallowing back my fears, I rested my hand on his chest and caught his eye with a smile. “I’ll always be yours. Being with anyone else just…” I let out a shaky laugh. “We’re Chix, you know?”
With a gentle grin, he took my hand and kissed it. “I know.”
My eyes glassed over, my smile growing wobbly. “I’ll be here waiting for you.”
“Okay,” he croaked, his face flashing with agony as he let go of my hand.
He hated hurting people. He’d be dreading going to see Shayna.
“Take your time.” I stepped against him and rested my hand on his cheek, trying to ease his unrest. “I’m not going anywhere.”
My words made his eyes sparkle.
Brushing his knuckles down my cheek, he kissed me softly and then stepped back. His gaze told me he loved me as he walked to the car.
“See ya later, Nix.”
He smiled before getting into the car and driving away.
I stood on the sidewalk until I couldn’t see the rental car anymore. Letting out the breath I’d been holding, I did a nervous little chuckle and seriously wanted to twirl, but doubts held me steady.
What if he didn’t do it?
“No,” I whispered. “Don’t think that way. Chix will be a thing again. It’s meant to be.”
I forced a quick twirl as if to prove I was right and then headed for the front door. The sudden implications of what we wanted to do didn’t sink in until I reached the top of the stairs. There was no way we’d get back together problem-free. There were four years of history to unpack and build upon. I still had to tell Nixon the truth about his father’s visit. And even though what felt like a millennium had passed, his father could still pull out some seriously dick moves.
At least we didn’t need his money anymore. I had some savings. We could manage on that.
It wouldn’t be easy, but it’d be worth it.
Doubt tickled my insides as my imagination built a solid case against me.
But I didn’t want to let it win.
I wanted to be with Nixon!
“Screw you,” I muttered to my dark meanderings as I opened the door.
I hadn’t been strong enough to fight for us when I was just eighteen, but I was older and wiser. We’d work together to make his parents see the truth. Nixon and I were meant for each other. I could fit into his world if I wanted to. I could go to New York and live there while he studied law! A few years in a concrete jungle wouldn’t kill me.
Maestro scampered into the living room before the door was even closed. His tail wagged excitedly as
he greeted me.
“Hey, gorgeous boy.” I crouched down to greet him and scored a lick on the face.
I laughed and scratched him under the chin before standing tall and slipping the bag off my shoulder. It thumped to the floor just as Fliss appeared in the doorway. She had a wineglass in each hand and a sympathetic smile on her face.
“No need.” I shook my head, determined to feed off my small thread of positivity.
“Really?” Her pale eyebrows shot up.
“Well, for one, it’s lunchtime and way too early to crack open a wine bottle.”
Fliss looked at the glasses, shrugged, then gulped down her portion.
I cracked up laughing as she licked her lips and said, “Yum!”
“You’re unbelievable.”
“I think the word you’re looking for is amazing.”
It was impossible not to love that girl.
“So, tell me why you’re so happy.” She walked to the couch and placed our wines on the coffee table.
“Because I had a wonderful trip home.”
“You’re a day early.” Her expression was dry and skeptical.
“Because you were right.” I cleared my throat and strolled to the couch. Going for casual would lighten what I was about to say.
“But of course.” She grinned. “What am I right about?”
“He has a girlfriend.”
She winced.
“And we got back early so that he can have a very serious discussion with her.”
“Really?” Fliss gripped my arm and I nodded, unable to fight my grin. “No way, that’s huge.”
“I know.” I bit my lip. “I don’t envy what he’s about to do, but… Shit, Fliss. This is everything I’ve been wanting!”
Her smile was sweet yet cautious.
“What?” I frowned.
“Nothing. I think it’s great.”
“No, you don’t. What?”
“I’m just…” She tucked her hair behind her ear.
“What?” My voice grew low and stern.
“You left him…for what you swear are really good reasons. Do they not matter anymore?”
I looked down to my checkered pants and started tracing the boxes. “I’m not saying there aren’t a few obstacles, but…” I blinked and nodded. “I really want him back, Fliss.”
“I know,” she whispered, rubbing my shoulder.
She was too much of a realist to truly celebrate with me. She wouldn’t do that until Nixon was free of his relationship and officially mine again.
Leaning back with a sigh, I tuned into the soft strains of music coming from the kitchen—“Everything I Didn’t Say.”
Typical. Another sad song about broken relationships.
The frickin’ music had been like a character of its own on my road trip. Every song a reminder of what I’d let slip through my fingers. Of what I still had to face in order to win the prize that had been snatched away from me too soon.
Chapter Nineteen
Nixon
“Everything I Didn’t Say” was playing on the radio as I drove back to my apartment near UCLA. I couldn’t help questioning myself the closer I got to home. Had I said everything I should have to Charlie?
She still hadn’t told me why she’d left in the first place, yet I was getting ready to dump the person who’d been loyal to me from the moment I met her.
It was a hard pill to swallow, and I seriously didn’t know what to do with it.
Being with Charlie was magical. It always had been.
Then when she wasn’t there reality hit again, and I was struggling to reenter it.
I was about to end the life I’d known for the last couple of years. It’d been a good life.
Not a magical one.
But a reliable one.
Biting my lips together, I slammed the wheel and tried to figure out what the hell I really wanted.
Charlie.
She always made me happy.
But being with her was also confusing—unchecked joy married with huge amounts of self-doubt that she’d get bored with me or spontaneously fly away on a breeze. I never wanted to be responsible for holding her back, which meant I had to let go of my own fears. My life had always been stable, certain. Being with Charlie meant I couldn’t rely on that safety anymore. Would I ever find the courage to let go and truly be with her?
It would mean defying my parents—people I’d spent my life trying to please. I didn’t want to hurt them. Not after everything they’d been through with losing Reagan.
Me being with Shayna made them so happy.
And she was a good woman.
I cared about her. I loved her.
She didn’t set me free the way Charlie always did, but she was safe and trustworthy…and she deserved my loyalty. We’d been together for two years. I couldn’t just turn my back on that because I felt like it.
Commitment meant something, and I couldn’t hurt her.
But Charlie—somehow it always came back to her.
With a sad sigh, I parked outside our apartment and leaned my forehead against the wheel. For some weird reason I thought about snow.
My life had been turned upside down because of that random spring snowstorm. Thousands of tiny flakes, harmless on their own, but en masse they could shut down an airport…and change a life.
Leaning back, I gazed up at the house. Dread settled in my belly as I thought about what awaited me inside. Tears and heartbreak. I’d be the cause of it.
Exhaustion pulled at me, reminding me of how little sleep I’d had, how unprepared I was for any kind of argument or tears.
Charlie told me to take my time. She understood how hard it would be for me.
I still had one day of spring break left. Maybe in the morning, I’d have the energy and resilience to do what I needed to.
Poor Shayna.
I hadn’t really admitted to Charlie how serious things were between us. She didn’t know we were living together. All I’d said was that I had a girlfriend. There were so many different degrees within that relationship.
Guilt munched on my insides as I slithered out of the car. My feet were concrete bricks as I climbed the front steps. I could hear giggling from inside and took a moment to steel myself before opening the door.
“Nixon!” My name was shouted in unison when I stepped into the living-dining area.
Shayna, Harper, Mimi, and my mother were sitting around our small dining table, lunch food spread between them.
“You’re home early!” Shayna squealed and jumped up from the chair. Her arms were tight around my neck, her body familiar against mine. I gave her a squeeze before letting her go. “I was hoping you’d be back in time.”
“You look exhausted,” Mom said.
I looked over Shayna’s shoulder and struggled to find my voice. “Mom.”
She looked so happy, hanging out with Shayna and the girls. She’d been practically euphoric since Shayna and I started dating. She’d been the one to introduce us, to encourage me to ask out the stunning blonde. She was the cupid in our relationship, and her wings would fall right off if she knew what I was planning on doing.
She was genuinely happy these days, unhindered by the cloud of Reagan’s death. Her son was doing well and she was flourishing in my success. All the good things that were happening to me meant the world to her.
Guilt added a few extra pounds onto my shoulders.
Dumping Shayna, hurting her so I could be with the girl Mom never wanted me with…it would steal her smile in a heartbeat. Could I really do that to her?
“I didn’t expect to see you here,” I croaked.
“Well, Shayna invited me over.” She giggled. “Your father’s away and I figured I’d keep her company since you were taking so long to get back.” Her motherly expression softened even more. “You look like you need some sleep.”
Shayna let me go but snuggled into my side. I lightly squeezed her shoulder as she nestled her forehead into the crook of my neck.
I kissed the top of her head without even thinking about it. “Yeah, I kind of drove through the night.”
“Aw, to get back to your girl.” Harper placed her hand on her heart, and all I could do was offer up a tight smile.
My girlfriend squeezed me around the middle.
“Shayna said you drove back with an old school friend?” Mom’s eyebrows dipped and fear clutched my belly. “Who was it?”
I glanced down at Shayna, not sure what to say. I couldn’t do it now. I couldn’t break her heart in front of her friends. Sure, they’d be there to comfort her, but I wasn’t quite brave enough to put myself in the line of fire.
Besides, Mom would be torn apart.
I had to be really careful how I played this.
“Um…” I licked my lips and decided to lie. Not a full-blown one, just a little whitey. “Chuck.”
Mom’s eyes bulged. “Chuck, as in Charlie?”
“No. Chuck, as in a guy in my statistics class. I don’t think you knew him.” I scratched my eyebrow while I spoke, avoiding eye contact.
“Oh.” Mom relaxed with a smile. “I thought you meant…” Her gaze drifted to Shayna, then flicked to mine.
“Nope.” I shook my head and then forced a smile when Shayna looked up at me. “Anyway, I need to get some sleep before I fall over.”
“Good idea.” Shayna grinned. “I need you awake for tomorrow.”
My forehead crinkled with a frown. “Tomorrow?”
“Yes.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “I thought you wouldn’t be back, but now you are and we can go together.”
“To where?” I glanced at Mimi and Mom when they started laughing—a triumphant kind of snicker that made me nervous.
Shayna’s tongue skimmed the side of her mouth, her eyes sparkling. “I’m going to surprise you.”
“Oh, Nixon doesn’t like surprises,” Mom singsonged.
“Well, it’s good for him to experience some.” Shayna giggled and planted a kiss on my cheek. Mom tipped her head with an adoring smile.
“Don’t worry, you’re going to love it.” She winked and sent me on my way with a pat to my cheek. “Sleep well, baby.”
Rather Be (A Songbird Novel) Page 10
