Harry grinned. “Your secret’s safe with us.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled, and walked away.
“Call me when you get home.” Kelly’s voice chased after me. I raised my hand to acknowledge her but didn’t know if I’d find the guts to talk anymore.
The way I felt was worse than when I’d left Nixon in the first place. Back then I’d been walking away for his sake. So noble. I was saving his family.
But this time was different. I was being forced away because he’d moved on. His choice, not mine.
I had to somehow come to terms with the fact that being with Nixon was nothing more than a pipe dream.
He wouldn’t be dumping his fiancée to be with me. He’d found the normal life he deserved. The one his parents so desperately wanted for him. The one he obviously wanted too.
When I turned the corner, I spotted Sarah and Justin walking down the street toward La Saveur. They were holding hands and grinning at each other. I didn’t want to get caught in another conversation, so I quickly ducked across the street and ran back to my car the long way.
Slamming the door of my beat-up VW Beetle shut, I shoved my key in the ignition and revved the engine. Music blasted through the speakers, amplified by the fact that all my windows were up.
“Empty” by The Click Five reverberated around me.
I should have just turned it off, but the silence would have been worse, so I let it play.
It took me home on a wave of sadness that was heavy and debilitating. I never thought I’d be one of those sappy girls who felt torn apart by a broken heart. But there it was. Four years of wistful hope was worthless, because Nixon was getting married and there was no longer a chance of Chix ever being a thing again.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Nixon
I was tortured. It’d been two days since I last saw Charlie and I couldn’t get her out of my head.
But I needed to.
Or I needed to break up with Shayna.
I closed my eyes, nausea rolling through me as I drove the streets, taking the longest way home that I could.
When I was with Charlie—kissing her, reliving the past—it was so easy to dream again. To imagine this perfect existence.
But it wouldn’t be perfect.
I’d have to hurt Shayna and my family in order to get it.
I’d have to break hearts and then risk having my own broken all over again.
What if Charlie left me without a word?
She was impulsive and spontaneous. Backing out of the June wedding? She’d done that on the fly. But knowing her, she’d go through with leaving LA.
Because she was Charlie.
Unpredictable Charlie Watson.
A wisp on a breeze.
Mom always said she wasn’t right for me. I’d fought so hard to prove her wrong, but then Charlie had done exactly what Mom said she would.
And so had Shayna. She’d been loyal, trustworthy and loving.
My parents wanted me to marry a gorgeous, reliable person who would give me a good, stable life. They wanted that because they loved me. They’d helped me get it.
Was I willing to just throw that all away because I felt like it?
That didn’t make sense.
Love was a choice.
So, which woman did I choose to love for the rest of my life?
When I first got back to LA, I was flying high, ready to end things with Shayna and start fresh with Charlie. But then reality hit—consequences, doubts, uncertainty, fear.
My mind was telling me one thing loud and clear. I knew what the right choice was, but I didn’t know if I had the courage to let go of the other.
Would Charlie haunt me forever?
I signaled left and turned down a street, not realizing until I was halfway down that I was driving past Charlie’s house. I slammed on the brakes and just sat in the middle of the road, staring up at her door.
My fingers gripped the wheel so tightly my knuckles turned white.
“What do you want from this moment, man? Are you knocking on her door to say…what? Fucking what!” I thumped the wheel and pulled into a parking space down the street when I noticed a beat-up VW Beetle coming down the road behind me.
Agitation made my fingers jitter. I tapped them on the wheel and stared out the windshield. My jaw kept clenching and unclenching while a new song started on the radio.
I didn’t even register the music until the beat kicked in. Finger clicks grabbed my attention and I stared down at the radio. “11 Blocks” by Wrabel. I knew the song, not word perfect, but enough to know the gist. Some poor loser still stuck on a girl, struggling to let her go when he had a perfectly amazing woman waiting for him at home.
With a heavy sigh, I leaned back against my seat and forced my brain to function logically.
When Charlie first left me, I’d fallen into this morose melancholy funk. Listening to sad-ass music all the time, speaking in mumbles and grunts. She stole me, turned me back into the boy who’d lost his beloved older sister.
So I threw myself into studies…and then I met Shayna.
Shayna pulled me out of my shell and took the edge off. She made it better…and she stuck around.
Surely she was the right choice.
Logic figured it all out for me, but this wave of resistance kept pounding my heart.
I thought I’d given up Charlie. I thought I’d set myself free of her, but I was right back where I started. Because in reality she still owned a piece of me.
“Make up your fucking mind, man! Or just get out of here!” I glanced over my shoulder as I reached for my keys, and froze.
Charlie was standing at the bottom of her steps, staring across the street…at me.
I couldn’t just take off. I’d never deny I was coward, but that really was going too far.
With a heavy sigh, I shunted the door open with my shoulder and walked across the road.
Charlie tensed and took a step back, creating a bigger gap between us.
“Hey.” I greeted her with a feeble wave.
Her nostrils flared. The bag of groceries in her hand made a crinkling sound as she gripped the bottom corner.
“I have to assume you’re not here for the reasons I want you to be, so you should just say your goodbyes and go.” Her eyes flashed with anger. “Your fiancée is no doubt wondering where you are.”
I scratched my chin and let out a cynical huff. “She’s not even my fiancée yet. It’s not official.”
“Well, you should probably do something about that, because I think she’s pretty set on planning your June wedding!” She huffed, her fingers trembling as she rubbed her forehead and looked away from me. “You made me think it wasn’t that serious, but…you’re getting married!”
“I…” I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut, already hating the conversation.
“What do you want, Nix? Huh? What? Why are you here?” she shouted.
“Hey, don’t yell at me,” I snapped. “This is your fault!”
“Mine?” Her eyebrows dipped together.
“You left me. You left without even the courtesy of an explanation and expected me to what? Just wait around on the off-chance you might change your mind and come back? You obviously didn’t love me enough to stay in the first place, and the last four years didn’t inspire you to track me down! Of course I was going to move on!”
Her face blanched white like I’d just slapped her or something. But I was on a roll so I kept going, finally spewing out all the angst I’d been carrying for far too long.
“You know, I held off making a move on you for two years because I was petrified I’d lose my best friend if I did. But then we went camping that summer and you made me believe. You fooled me into thinking we could have something amazing. And I will never understand why you did that. Why? Why did you do that to me? And why, when I’m around you, do you make it so fucking easy to forget that you did that to me?”
My voice quavered like I was about to cry. It
made me pathetic and un-manly, but what did I really have to lose? A big chunk of my heart was finally breaking off. It’d been teetering on the edge for years anyway, rotting and festering. But finally saying it out loud like that… The chunk fell away, splashing into the ocean of pain I’d been living with ever since she took off to Montana.
Tears lined her lashes, sparking that torturous doubt that confused me. Why was she crying? Why did she keep acting like she cared?
“You thought I fooled you?” she whispered.
“Well, I don’t know what else to think.” I threw my arms wide. “I thought we were in love and you just left.” My voice hitched and I looked to the ground, cupping the back of my head.
Dammit. I was not going to fucking cry!
My eyes burned as I listened to the sound of Charlie placing her groceries on the step and walking down to stand beside me.
She placed her hand on top of mine and pressed her forehead into my cheek.
I should have moved away but I couldn’t. Especially when she started talking in that trembling whisper.
“I…I wasn’t right for you, Nix. I would have held you back. And I knew if I tried to tell you that to your face, I wouldn’t have had the courage. My selfishness would’ve won. I had to leave the way I did or I wouldn’t have been able to. You deserved so much better than me. I just wanted you to be happy.”
My face buckled with confusion. It took me a moment to process what she was saying. When I pulled back and stared down at her, tears were trailing down her cheeks. I had to fight the urge to brush them away.
“You left to make me happy?” I touched my chest.
“I definitely didn’t leave to make me happy. I’ve missed you every day.” She sniffed and swiped at her tears. “My life will never be as great as it was then.”
“I don’t—” Pinching the bridge of my nose, I huffed again. My brain was going to explode in a second. Her logic was unreasonable. She left to make me happy? Was she insane?
“How would you leaving me make my life better? How would that make me happy!” My shout rose to an uncharacteristic roar.
She flinched and took a small step away from me. “I wasn’t good enough for you. I’m too wild and unpredictable. Your parents—” She pressed her lips together and looked to the ground.
“What? My parents what?”
She sighed and bunched her hair at the nape of her neck. “They didn’t want us together. We both knew that. It would’ve been too hard. With the whole Reagan thing, I didn’t want to cause a rift or destroy family ties. They need you. They love you, and you deserve… You shouldn’t have to fight. I would’ve disrupted everything. You’re too smart and talented to end up with the likes of me. I would have led you astray and…and ruined your life!”
What the hell was she saying?
Did she think…?
I shook my head, confusion making my frown deep and painful. “You thought you were doing me a favor?”
Her expression buckled as a fresh set of tears lined her lashes. “They’re the only family you have. I couldn’t drive a wedge between you. They're your blood.”
“And you were my heart.” I closed the gap between us, grabbing her face and pressing my forehead against hers. “You were my heart.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Charlie
Those sweet words tore a sob right out of me. I buckled against him, gripping his sweater as he wrapped his arms around me and held on tight.
I wanted him to never let go.
But saying all that, stating the truth that way, made me realize that I’d left for a reason.
I may have felt bullied into that reason, but it was still a valid one.
He said I was his heart, but I wasn’t anymore. He’d given it to someone else.
Nixon had a family who would be devastated if he left that perfect woman for me. I’d just end up doing what I was trying to avoid in the first place.
And yes, Nixon was close to graduating, so I wouldn’t be robbing him of an education. But there was still law school to go, and I was pretty sure his parents were shelling out for that.
And I’d never forget that black mark warning his father had threatened me with.
But telling Nixon about it…what good would it do?
As much as I wanted to cling to Nixon and beg him to come up those stairs with me, I wouldn’t do it.
I’d always love him. I’d always be his.
But I wouldn’t be responsible for destroying the perfectly good life he’d carved out for himself.
When we were traveling back to LA together, I convinced myself that he was unhappy, that he needed me again to find his joy.
But I was wrong.
He’d made a life for himself. A good life.
I couldn’t destroy it.
Stepping out of his embrace, I fought the belly-shaking tears by clearing my throat.
“I’m sorry I hurt you that summer. I’ll always be sorry for that. But please believe me when I say that I only ever wanted you to be happy.”
“You made me happy,” he murmured.
“And so will she.”
His forehead flickered with a frown.
“Come on, Nix, you know it’s better this way. She’s perfect. One look at her tells me she’s from your world so she already fits. And if she even makes you the tiniest bit happy, you should go for it.”
“Don’t do this, please.”
“Do what?”
“Make the choice for me.”
“But that’s what you need.” I stepped forward and gripped his sweater. “You don’t know what you want. Otherwise you would have been standing on my doorstep the night we got back to LA. She’s a better fit than I will ever be.”
Tears burned my eyes. I couldn’t believe I was doing it again. Putting his happiness before mine. But what choice did I have?
Touching his face, I brushed my fingers down his cheek and smiled at him. “What we had in Yosemite was pure magic, but that’s all it could ever be. Reality was waiting the second we got back to LA. And it was this time too. They’ll be the best dreams I’ll ever have. And they’ll stay with me forever. But you need to go and live your life. The kind I can’t have…or even offer you.”
“But I love you,” he whispered, his eyes glassing with tears. “I’ll always love you.”
It nearly broke me but I held fast, proving my point with a soft whisper. “Then go dump Shayna.”
He grimaced, and I knew then that I was right.
Letting him go, I stepped back with a sad smile. “Your heart belongs to her now. Don’t give it back to me. I’ll only let you down and hurt you. After what I did, you can never fully trust me again. I’m a flight risk.”
None of that was true. If I ever got him back, I’d cling with everything I had.
But he wasn’t mine to cling to.
Reaching for my groceries, I held them against my chest and willed my body up those stairs.
Nixon stayed on the sidewalk, another sign that this was our last goodbye.
Pausing with a sigh, I turned and softly said, “Goodbye, Nixon. I honestly wish you all the happiness in the world. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
Before he could respond, I dashed up the stairs and unlocked the door, not looking back as I ducked inside and hid myself away.
The house was quiet, meaning Fliss and Maestro were out for a walk.
Pressing my forehead against the door, I slammed my teeth together as my entire body started shaking. The groceries slipped from my hand, crashing to the floor with a loud thump.
No one came rushing up to the stairs to check on me, which meant that Nixon had already walked away and was no doubt in his car driving home to his perfect future.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Nixon
I drove away from Charlie’s on autopilot. I didn’t even know where I was going until my phone rang. I answered it without thinking.
“Hello.” My voice was flat and emotionless.
“Hey, son. Where the hell are ya?” Dad’s voice was bright yet demanding.
“Huh?” I frowned at the phone.
“Family dinner? You forget the plan? I got home from London this morning and we’re all here waiting for ya.”
“Oh.” I sat up straighter behind the wheel, jolted by the reminder. “Yeah, of course, I just…totally blanked.”
“Well, classes have started up again, so I guess that’s understandable. But get your butt over here before everyone gets too tipsy on pre-dinner cocktails.” He left me with a booming laugh and I turned right at the next intersection, heading for my parents’ house.
It was a relief that he assumed classes were my issue. Like I could ever explain it to him. Charlie was right; they never really warmed to her. She wasn’t a lady like my mother. I’d often wondered if she was just too much like Reagan. Like being around her was too painful and terrifying. The idea that their son could be led down the wrong path. When I first got back from Yosemite and told them our grand travel plans, I thought they were going to choke on their food. Charlie taking off like she had probably did them huge favors.
My parents would’ve hated her for dragging me overseas.
Shayna was the opposite. She loved family time. She brought all of us together. Even with the prospect of leaving for New York, she was scheduling trips so that we could stay in touch with both sets of parents. I was happy enough to go along with it. Family was important.
I swallowed, trying to legitimize Charlie’s reasons for leaving.
Yeah, she probably would have pulled me from home a little, but we’d had every intention of coming back after we’d seen some of the world. It wasn’t like she was trying to cut me off from them altogether.
But then when we got back…what would it have been like?
Awkward family dinners. My mother’s jittery silence. Dad’s cringe-worthy comments about her quirky fashion and lack of stability.
It would have been painful, hard work…
Worth it?
I didn’t know.
Raking a hand through my hair, I turned left and took the slowest route to my parents’ house. I needed time to collect my thoughts and pull myself together.
Rather Be (A Songbird Novel) Page 13
