“If you’re lost and alone…,” he sang.
I closed my eyes, tears trickling down my cheeks as I soaked in the chorus.
Then the drumbeat kicked in and I knew…
I knew what I had to do.
Move forward.
Move on.
Let go of a pipe dream.
I’d walked away for Nixon’s sake. Because I was trying to do the right thing.
But deep down, I hadn’t left him at all.
It was time to do it for real.
Jerking up, I grabbed my chair and sat down, then pulled up a new tab in my browser. As the song built around me, my fingers flew over the keys. I started with a dream, just Googling pictures of places in the world to inspire me. And then it turned to research, which became a scrawled plan on paper. As the clock ticked past two, I’d worked out how much money I still needed to save to see the places I’d dreamed of for years. My beautiful plan had taken shape and inspired something inside of me.
With my finger hovering over the pad, I stared at the PURCHASE TICKET button and whispered, “Carry on,” before taking the plunge and securing a one-way flight out of LAX.
Three months later…
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Charlie
I’d been working my ass off, saving like a fiend and taking every spare job I could find, from family photos to graduation pics and a ton of weddings.
In less than three weeks I’d be boarding a plane to my new life. I headed towards it with a mixture of excitement and terror.
My first stop was Hawaii, where I’d already booked one week at a hostel. It was kind of scary heading off on my own, but determination would push me through. I had to get away. I couldn’t be on the same continent when Nixon slipped a wedding ring on someone else’s finger.
“So, you seem really set on this.” Fliss sucked her Jamba Juice straw, her eyes kind of sad as she walked beside me down the street.
“I’ve already paid for the tickets, Flissy. I have to go.”
Pausing outside an outdoor and travel store, I gave her a brave smile before pushing the door open. We strolled in together and the first thing to hit me was the smell—that mixture of new canvas and plastic utensils, intelligent knickknacks that compacted everyday living down to travel size.
Basically, it smelled like adventure.
People who shopped in places like this had plans, big plans, based on dreams of seeing the world in a way that others never would.
Fliss and I scanned the store for packs.
“Over there.” She pointed.
My lips stretched into a wide smile as I headed for the wall of brightly colored backpacks. I wanted something slimline and easy to carry, yet big enough to hold all my stuff. It meant I would scream tourist wherever I went, which wasn’t exactly preferable, but I had to be practical as well.
I took a bright orange pack off the hook. “This one’s kind of cool.” I started unzipping compartments and checking out all the little places I could hide my passport and important stuff. “This’ll be big enough, right?”
“It depends how long you’re going for.” Fliss’s tone was dry, taking us right back to the argument we’d been having ever since I told her my plans.
“Would you let that go already? I’ve set money aside so I can come home as soon as I’m done.”
“Yes, but when is that? Two months? A year? Two years?”
I huffed, the pack hitting my knees as my arms went straight. “I don’t know, okay? As long as it takes.”
“He’s going to be married for the rest of his life, Chuck. And you can’t stay away forever.”
Some days I wished I hadn’t told her a damn thing about Nixon, but she wouldn’t let me get away with “It’s just time to go.” So we’d stayed up until four in the morning one night and I told her the whole wretched story.
“You should have told his dad to stick it! I can’t believe he showed up at your door like that!”
“They were right though. I can’t give him a stable, nine-to-five life. That would have killed me…and driven us apart.”
Fliss had huffed, trying to convince me that maybe he didn’t want that for himself. But I knew better. He wouldn’t be getting married if he didn’t want the security of a normal life. He wouldn’t drive a wedge between himself and his only family. His parents needed him. And he knew it. He was too good a person to let them down.
I pulled the pack on, settling it over my shoulders and clipping the waist belt. “This feels good.”
Fliss gave me a defeated smile.
“Would you stop? I need you to be happy for me.”
“I would be if I wasn’t so worried. Are you sure about going alone?”
“I’ll be fine! It’s what I want.”
“No, it’s not. But I guess it is what it is.” Fliss shrugged and slurped some more of her juice.
“I’m sorry I’m going to miss your wedding,” I whispered, wondering if that was really the root cause of her major reluctance over me leaving.
“It’s not that. We haven’t even set a date yet. And in fairness to you, I’m moving out and leaving you all alone, so really, your timing is impeccable.”
My nose started to tingle as I stared at Fliss—my cousin-in-law turned close friend. We’d been rooming together for a while, and it’d been awesome.
I was going to miss her big time.
In a lame attempt to make her smile, I grabbed her hand and gave it a little squeeze…then started singing “Cups.”
Fliss’s lips twitched, and once again proving how awesome she was, she kicked in with a harmony. We stood in the store singing loud enough to turn heads. But we didn’t care.
It was a beautiful moment that would be burned into my memory…and would no doubt carry me along on those moments away from home, when I felt the weight of my solitary life.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Nixon
It’d been three long months, only made worse by the fact that in a few short weeks my fate would be sealed. After proposing to Shayna, I’d expected everything to magically fall into place. Like my brain would understand that I’d made my choice and my feelings for Charlie would quickly die off as I looked ahead to the future.
But it hadn’t worked.
I still dreamed about her, found my mind floating toward her whenever I lost focus for a moment.
As a way to counter my unrest, I’d thrown myself into school and studying.
But as I walked up the front steps, carrying my graduation robe, I had to face the truth. Study time was over…and my life was about to change for good.
Dread simmered inside me and I had to ask myself yet again why the hell I was going through with it. I hadn’t been able to answer the question with any kind of clarity so I just kept riding the wave, keeping everybody happy so I didn’t break hearts.
I was able to process my feelings in my journal. Yeah, it made me sound like a teenage girl, but I’d always been a writer and being able to pen my woes somehow helped. Traveling across the country with Charlie had reminded me of the long-buried passion, and each night after Shayna fell asleep, I’d pull out my diary and write a few pages. It was good to process it all—it helped me line up my logic and reminded me why going with the flow was the right thing to do.
I couldn’t break Shayna’s heart now. The ring was on her finger, the wedding mere weeks away. We’d come too far, and somehow I had to make it work.
Opening the door with a heavy sigh, I hung up my robe in the hallway closet and headed down to my room.
Music was playing in our bedroom, and as I walked down the hall, the words hit me with a brutal poignancy.
“I don’t want to feel like this tomorrow.”
I stopped walking and slid my hands into my pockets, soaking in the rest of the words to “Never Surrender” by Skillet.
It was supposed to be a love song. Surrendering to the woman you wanted to be with. But it was working completely differently for me. It was hammeri
ng home the fact that I didn’t want to be caught in this trap anymore. I didn’t want to trudge through life fighting to secure my happiness. I wanted to surrender. To be myself.
I wanted to feel actual joy without having to convince myself to do it.
And the only person I’d ever been able to do that around was Charlie.
Squeezing my burning eyes shut, I muttered, “Why the fuck did you leave me?”
I knew.
She’d told me. And I got why she did, even though she said she didn’t really want to.
It didn’t take away the pain and the hurt, but…
My eyes popped open.
But I never chased her.
I never fought.
I bought into my parents’ reasoning about how wild and unreliable Charlie was. I made myself believe that I was too plain and boring for her. I bought into it all as a way to understand, but the truth was still there, plain and simple…
Charlie Watson made me a happy man.
When I looked back on my life, the times I felt most alive were when I was with her.
So why the hell was I marrying Shayna?
Scrubbing a hand down my face, I headed for my bedroom and stopped in the doorway.
My fiancée was sitting on my side of the bed, going through my bedside cabinet. Books and my journal were laid out on the mattress, and my gut spiked with fear.
Shit! Had she read the journal?
I’d put everything in there…including the fact that I’d nearly slept with Charlie on my road trip. If Shayna read that she’d be crushed.
And that was when it hit me…revelation number two.
I was a selfish asshole.
A coward who was allowing Shayna to surge ahead with wedding plans and setting up our future when I wasn’t even into it. I’d been so wrong, thinking that I was somehow saving her pain.
But letting this happen was incredibly unfair.
Was I honestly expecting her to spend the rest of her life with a husband who didn’t love her with his whole heart?
It was time to man-up before she figured out that I couldn’t give her what she needed.
I cleared my throat, trying to counter the dread that was blocking my windpipe.
Shayna glanced up and smiled at me. “You get your robe?”
I nodded. “What…what are you doing?”
“I’m just getting the whole packing thing started. I figured I’d do some major culling first. I’ve thrown out two boxes of my stuff already, and I’m now moving on to yours.” She ran her hands over the stack of old books. “Do you know you’ve kept like every book from high school?”
That wasn’t true. I’d only kept the ones that had notes and doodles from Charlie in the margins.
“Biology, English, World History. Why are you keeping these? It’s not like you’ll ever refer to them again.”
I stepped into the room. “They’re memories, Shayna. That’s not the kind of stuff you cull.”
She rolled her eyes. “Your mother warned me you’d be like this.”
“Like what?”
“Clinging to the past.” Her smile softened with sympathy. “Don’t worry, I won’t throw away anything to do with Reagan.”
My mouth went dry. I hadn’t even thought about my late sister. She had nothing to do with my precious memories from high school.
“So, I was thinking maybe you could keep your journal and some yearbooks. But school stuff? As in notes you took in class…maybe not so much.” She cringed like I was a loser and laughed. “Besides, baby, we can’t fit this into a New York apartment. You either have to throw it out or store stuff at your parents’. It’s just reality.”
“But I don’t want it to be my reality,” I muttered.
“Excuse me?” Shayna’s frown was marked and quickly turning into the one I did everything to avoid.
But it was time to stop dodging conflict and face it head-on.
Pressing my lips together, I sucked in a breath through my nose and sighed. “I don’t want this.”
“O-kay.” She looked puzzled for a second and then started stacking up the books. “Fine. Keep them, but we’ll have to sacrifice something else. I’ve been looking into apartments in New York and even though our parents are helping us out, we’ll still be living in a shoebox. So, what are we going to sacrifice?”
All I could do was stare at her. She was beautiful with her sleek blonde hair and vibrant eyes. Her sharp, take-charge manner had pulled me out of a pit. But I couldn’t keep owing her anymore.
It wasn’t fair to either of us.
“Hello? Nixon!” She waved her hand in the air to grab my attention. “I can’t do this on my own, okay? I know you’ve been really busy with your studies and I’ve been in charge of everything else, which is fine, but I need you to focus now. We have a life to plan.”
“I know. Always a plan, right?” I snickered and shook my head. “From the day I was born, my whole life has been sketched out for me, carefully plotted and calculated so that I could have a safe, happy existence.”
Shayna’s eyes narrowed, her head jerking back like I was acting crazy. “Nixon, we’ve talked about this. We’ll live in New York until you graduate law school and then—”
“I don’t want to go to New York with you,” I blurted, then let out this relieved kind of laugh. There, I’d said it. I’d finally fucking said it.
Running her finger down the delicate gold chain around her neck, she started playing with the heart pendant. Her eyes were still narrowed, her forehead wrinkled in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
I raked a hand through my hair and closed my eyes with a sigh. “I’m sorry, okay? I just went along with all of this because that’s what everyone wanted me to do.”
“Wow, okay.” Shayna stood, and straightened her skirt before walking across the room to me. She was so much shorter without her heels on. If I tucked her against me, her forehead would nestle into the crook of my neck. I’d never feel that again after this conversation, and it was a sad kind of loss.
My throat was thick as Shayna rested her hand on my chest. I swallowed when she gently pinched my chin to make me look at her.
It was painful gazing into her eyes, but I made myself do it, because I couldn’t be a coward anymore.
“Well, where do you want to go, then?” She smiled.
I winced, hating that she didn’t get it. That I’d have to spell it out for her. “I need some time to figure out…what I want.” Stepping back, I took her hands and rubbed my thumb over the ridiculous ring Dad had brought back from Europe. My face bunched with remorse. “I know how much you want New York. And I never wanted to let you down. I wanted to be the man you deserve.”
“You are.” She touched my cheek but I leaned away from her.
“I’m not, Shay.” Letting her go, I put another foot between us and fought for the right words. “You deserve a guy who’s going to give you his whole heart. Who’s passionate about being with you and sharing the kind of life you want. I…I can’t do that.”
It was starting to dawn on her that I was launching into a break-up speech. The skin on her neck turned a mottled pink as she pressed her hand into her stomach.
“This isn’t happening,” she whispered.
Hating myself, I plowed on, needing to get it over and done with. “My heart belongs somewhere else. It always has, and I’ve tried so hard to move past it but I just… I can’t.”
She stumbled back from me and plonked onto the edge of the bed. Her eyes were round and unseeing as her chest heaved.
I crouched down beside her, gently resting my hand on her knee to try to somehow soften the blow. “It’s unfair to marry you, Shayna. I’m so sorry I let it go this far. I thought I could be happy. I thought…”
Sucking in a ragged breath, she pushed my hand off her knee and swiveled away from me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Her fingers trembled as she threaded them together then
gripped tight. She was blinking at the wall, her lips pinched into a thin line while she fought whatever emotions were trying to take her down.
I reached for her hands, desperate to make it better, but she jerked away from my touch.
“I’d rather you tell me now than the night before the wedding.” Her voice shook. She pressed her hand against her forehead. “Although it is only sixteen days away.” With a little whimper, she surged for the tissue box beside my bed.
Pulling out three, she bunched them against her eyes.
“I’m sorry.” I said it again, desperate to make it right without capitulating. I was in it now. I had to see it through.
She cried for a few painful minutes while I crouched beside the bed. My mind kept playing tricks on me, warning me of the repercussions of my actions.
I nearly folded. But I’d come this far; I couldn’t back out.
Finally Shayna glanced over her shoulder and sniffed. “Did you ever love me?”
“Of course I love you.” I sat on the bed beside her, running my hand down her back. “I just don’t love you enough to deserve you.”
She scoffed and shuffled away from my touch. “I hate bullshit lines like that.”
“I’m just trying to be honest. Which is really hard for me. I hate letting people down and I have seriously been trying so hard. But I can’t. I can’t be the husband you deserve. You are an amazing, wonderful woman and should be with a man who only wants to be with you. Someone who enjoys all the things in life that you enjoy.”
Her lips flatlined, her eyes narrowing into a heated glare. My speech was obviously doing nothing to comfort her, even though I meant every word of it.
“Who is she?” Her voice was sharp and metallic.
I hesitated until Shayna huffed.
“Don’t tell me I can’t have your whole heart and then not tell me who it belongs to!”
I swallowed and scratched the side of my neck. “A girl I went to high school with.”
“Charlie?” Her voice pitched high. “That summer fling?”
I stiffened and couldn’t help a confused frown. “H-how do you know about Charlie?”
Rather Be (A Songbird Novel) Page 15
