Warm Food Cold Body

by S. Y. Robins

  Oona and Gia sat in the kitchen pouring over maps of the area blinking in and out of the places they suspected could hold the vampires lair. Oona had come armed with stakes and was prepared for battle this time.

  “I’ve no distractions this time, my love. This is partially my fault. I should have known he wouldn’t give up that easily. Male vampires are so vain and can be very testy, you know. We’ll find him before the night comes, don’t worry, darling.” Oona said before popping out to somewhere new.

  Sina could only sit on her couch, chewing on her thumb nail. She considered the possibilities and was anxiously watching the sun go down. It would be full dark by five and that was dark enough for the vampire to come to Sina. As Gia and Oona’s latest trip was much longer than the other ones Sina became hopeful that the pair had finally found the vampire and were dealing with him.

  They popped back in, looking tired and defeated just as the sun fell. They immediately began to set up the barriers that had previously been in place, with both Oona and Gia spewing little spells over the windows and doorways.

  “I’m staying the night.” Oona said. “We can ward him off while you sleep. We may even be able to take him down here and get it over with.”

  Sina looked at her friends miserably and tried to raise a smile as they settled beside of her on the giant sofa to watch some comedy shows on the telly. Sina didn’t think she’d sleep but her head fell against Gia’s shoulder and Oona zapped a cover over her friend.

  “We’ll keep you safe.” Gia said softly as she smoothed Sina’s hair away from her face.

  Sina settled into Gia’s arms and started to softly snore. Oona and Gia, both full of energy, stayed awake until the sun rose.

  As soon as Sina woke up Gia zapped her up some breakfast then the pair of witches were off again, hunting the monster terrorizing Sina now. Feeling more rested Sina looked over the maps her friends had laid out and looked over the marks they’d used to show places they’d already surveyed. Sina saw one place where she knew an old castle used to be. The place was only a ruin now but what better place to hide? People didn’t go up there anymore and Sina knew, from her childhood explorations, that there was a well hidden subterranean level to the place. Putting a bright orange circle around the map Sina got dressed for climbing around a dank dark dungeon and waited for her friends to pop back in.

  When Oona and Gia came back Sina showed them the map and began to tell them about the dungeon part. “It would be the perfect place for a lair, ladies! I think most people have forgotten it by now but I used to climb all over the dales out there. It’s perfect.”

  Oona and Gia agreed but sat down for a cup of tea. “We need to know the details of the place Sina. You can’t go.”

  “But I have to go. I can get us in and out. And I would also like to see this guy destroyed. He’s tried to ruin Gia’s life and now he’s after mine. I’ll never sleep peacefully again until I see for myself that he’s destroyed. I simply can’t go on without seeing that.”

  “Alright but you have to stay out of the way. Gia and I can handle this. He won’t be afraid of you but he’ll want to avoid Gia and I. He could wake up down there in the dark and if he does you won’t be safe.” Oona explained to Sina.

  Sina agreed and the friends quickly popped into the lowest level of the structure. It was filled with rooms and each one had to be searched. Oona created some kind of light that hovered in a ball over their heads and lit their way through the dark, dank rooms. Sina was growing frustrated with the slowness of the hunt and hissed at Oona.

  “Can’t you just locate him and zap to him? You’re a witch! My nerves are going to explode!”

  “This is why I wanted you to stay home! You have to be patient because if we could do that we’d be locating missing children the world over. This is one of the things we are limited in. Now stay calm or I’ll zap you home!” Oona warned.

  “And stop distracting her, Sina. Really darling, we have this, calm down.” Gia said taking Sina’s hand in her own.

  They searched for another hour and still hadn’t found the lair of the vampire. Finally, towards the very back of the structure they found the lair. A room lit with real fire torches and a brazier to keep the room warm was in a corner. Sina assumed the smoke went up through the structure and by the time it reached the air up top, the smell had disappeared. In the middle, on a dais, rested an ornate coffin of black enamel and silver filigree decorations. The handles were even silver. Not a cheap coffin, by any means.

  “Well, he has money at least, Sina, you sure you don’t want him?” Gia teased, looking back at Sina.

  Sina was about to respond with a dirty word but the coffin lid popped open and the vampire stepped out of the coffin quickly. At least he had clothes on this time. Sina had expected something out of Dracula with a cape but the man, vampire, whatever had on a well-tailored modern suit. His hair was cut in an attractive manner and he wore antique, expensive looking jewellery.

  “Friend of the girly footballers are you, mate?” Oona asked in a slight sneer.

  “Oh, that’s rich coming from the Queen of the fairies. Aren’t your people ruining the England rugby team?” The vampire asked, shooting his cuffs and patting his hair before looking up to Oona.

  “Mm, you will be a lovely meal. And I see you’ve brought my bride and her replacement. How very kind of you.”

  Oona looked afraid for a moment before getting her backbone in place again. Sina watched her, wondering about this fairy revelation. “You’re a fairy Oona?”

  “Later, Sina. As for you, vampire, we can do this the hard way or we can do it the easy way, which do you prefer?” Oona asked.

  “Well, the way I see it dearest Queen, if you kill me you give up your thrown and go back to being just a regular old fairy, spirting around flowers and cow pats in meadows. Is the human worth that? She’ll be dead and dust and you’ll still be sniffing flowers in cow dirt. Is she really worth that?”

  Sina could see the vampire had thrown Oona and remembered her conversation with Oona about how old she’d live to be. Would Oona see the sense in the vampire’s words? Even Sina could see there was wisdom to the words. She was standing close to Oona and none of the people in the room were really paying her any attention so she slid a hand up Oona’s back, and into the pack that held the stakes.

  “So what’s it going to be Queenie? You want to spend eternity lower than a diary maid or are you going to hand the human over?” The vampire asked smugly.

  Gia put a hand on Oona’s arm as the fairy Queen shifted, not realizing that she was merely adjusting to hide Sina’s movements, and looked at the Queen as if she’d betrayed Gia. Gia took that moment to pull up her own stake and run straight at the vampire.

  The vampire flung an arm out and Gia hit the wall, her head making a cracking noise against the stone. Sina looked at her friend but knew she’d be ok. She prayed to the voice at the stone circle and all of the deities that her aim would be strong and true and flung the stake out at the open vampire.

  The vampire shrieked as he saw the stake come flying at him, a boost from Gia giving the stake extra force, and flew against his own wall as the wooden stake penetrated his heart. As Sina watched, shocked that the move had worked, she saw the vampire’s skin begin to turn grey and black before blowing away in an invisible wind. Bit by bit the still vampire blew away until there was absolutely nothing left of him.

  “Well then.” Oona said, brushing her hands together. “That’s that. And I keep my throne as well. Very good.”

  Sina realized that Oona was also happy because Sina had taken control back of her life. It had been Sina and Gia that took the vampire’s life, not Oona. They had both taken some control from the force that had tried to destroy them. Oona grabbed Gia and Sina’s hands and blinked them back to her warm home.

  “Do you think we should do something to seal that place up?” Sina asked, worried another vampire might take up residence now.

  “Not likely. They can smel
l the remains on the air and avoid places where one of their brethren has been killed. Unfortunately the family of those the vampire killed will have no answers either but we’ve prevented similar acts for now and for the future. As for me, I have to disappear for a while at the end of the week. It’s time for me to attend to my duties for a while.

  “Can we go with you?” Sina asked, thinking how lovely it would be to see and be around real fairies.

  Oona smiled a pained smile and shook her head sadly. “No, I’m afraid not. Fairies can be helpful loving creatures but they can also be very spiteful. They could very well invite you to dinner or make you dinner depending on a whim. As the Queen I’m very different but fairies, well they can be vicious creatures if you aren’t careful. I’d be too worried about you and simply couldn’t subject you to that. But let’s go for a pint, please? I am so thirsty!” Oona pleaded.

  Gia popped them to the bathroom of the pub and they walked in to the warm tavern filled with cheery couples speaking quietly in dark corners and boisterous young people laughing at their own tall tales. The pub’s chef came in and again Oona waved at the young woman. The pretty woman blushed as she looked at the man sitting next to her, who was chatting with the pub owner, and mimed the words “this is him” with a great big grin at Oona.

  “Whats that about?” Gia asked with a curious glance.

  “That’s Lorna and her new boyfriend. Believe it or not, he’s named for her. Lorna helped the ghosts of his grandparents to survive the deaths they were supposed to suffer by completing a task on Halloween night. One of the reasons I was so busy that night.” Oona said with a content look.

  “And that girl over there who looks as though she’s about to burst with happiness? Who is she?” Sina asked nodding her head in the young woman’s direction.

  Oona looked with a smile in the young woman’s direction. “Ah, that’s Helena. See that man coming from the back? That’s her new “friend” Mark. She found him out on the moors and turned him into a zombie. Well, not really a zombie, more a monster such as Frankenstein’s. His wife and her lover murdered him. Poor guy was basically braindead because Helena didn’t have enough confidence and botched the spell. But she’s sorted now. The other reason I was busy Halloween night.”

  “Wow, you were busy! I had no idea! Well, at least matters turned out alright on my end. Well, at least until after Halloween.” Sina offered with a rueful smile.

  “It did and I couldn’t be any happier now. You girls have given me a purpose and you’re the reasons I stay in this realm you know? Without you nothing would really tie me to this world in this century. It’s becoming so chaotic on this side now, anyway, but you girls, well you bring me many joys. I’ll be back soon to see what you’re up to next and to see if anyone else needs Aunty Oona’s help. I’ll miss you while I’m gone!” Oona actually snuffled a bit towards the end and Gia and Sina took her hands.

  “We’ll be fine now, Oona. Gia and I will look after all of your “girls” while you’re gone, we promise.” Sina said with a heartfelt hug.

  “We will, I promise too.” Gia said.

  “I know girls, and I know your lives are going to be just perfect now. I’m your fairy godmother, after all, aren’t I? You are all going to have the most beautiful, memorable lives if I have anything to say about it. And I have a lot of say about it.” Oona said with a mischievous but loving smile.

  Her girls were going to be fine now. All of them.

  The End

  Witch You Were Dead

  Cozy Mystery

  About the Book

  Helena Richardson is a solitary witch determined to keep her license to practice witchcraft. Something has slowly been sapping her powers however and this is no more evident than when her license is restricted with a notice of 30-days given to improve her skills. On the advice of a friend Helena asks the ancient spirits of Standing Stone Circle to aid her in her plight. She believes she’s been given a chance, a test, to prove her worthiness when she stumbles across a body. She never expected the outcome would be a shambling shell of a man.

  Desperate for answers and to fix the damage she’s done Helena learns she has to wait for Halloween night to ask for help. As Helena seeks out answers as to who the man is, who killed him, and how she can return him to normal, Helena learns that sometimes you have to rely on yourself to get what you want. And if she can improve her skills in witchcraft in the meantime that would be great too.

  1

  “Helena Richardson? Ms. Richardson, you’re next if you’ll follow me.” The matronly woman dressed in a long skirt and long-sleeved blouse with a pinafore over the ensemble turned without ensuring her charge was following her, assuming the young woman would, and marched into an office. “Wait here please.”

  Helena, a tiny little blonde with big brown eyes was normally bubbly and vivacious, a lover of life and all its wonders. Today she wasn’t, however, because today her witch license was up for renewal and her nerves were shot. Helena looked up as an examiner came in, an intimidatingly large woman with bright orange hair and a frown that would melt steel. Not Old Grinder again! Helena looked down at her hands and tried to hide her panic.

  “Ms. Richardson,” came the grating high-pitched voice, “here to turn me into a toad again are you?”

  Helena felt her face flush as the memory flooded her mind. She’d tried not to laugh as the former Ms. Gringer, referred to as Old Grinder, stared up at her stupidly from the floor with the cold dead eyes of a toad. When Old Grinder, in toady form of course, launched herself at Helena’s leg Helena had screamed and run for the desk in the room. Old Grinder just stared at her balefully from the floor, croaking her displeasure incessantly.

  Helena had tried a nose twitch but nothing happened. She attempted a zap from a pointed finger and Old Grinder had turned into a purple toad. She’d crossed her fingers together and crossed her eyes, and still nothing happened. She’d tried for an hour before she was able to turn Old Grinder back to her normal self with the lesser-known sneeze spell. She’d barely escaped the examination with her license. Now she was back to renew it and her powers, rather than improving with age, had grown even worse.

  “Hello Ms. Gringer, I do apologize for the unfortunate events at our last meeting. I do hope you have recovered from that, erm, mishap.” Helena said quietly.

  “I’m perfectly fine, Ms. Richardson. Now let us begin. Please produce a sneefulling whazzlesnoot.” Old Grinder said with a perfectly serious face.

  “Pardon?” Helena asked, flummoxed as to what a sneefulling whazzlesnoot was.

  “You don’t have to know what it is, my dear, you simply have to produce it.” Old Grinder said in an imperious tone.

  “Well, yes, I suppose so. Let’s see then.” Helena said as she thought of how to do this. Using the spell for unknown items that one may want Helena drew the index finger of each hand side by side and then quickly pulled them apart as she blinked her eyes rapidly. Quickly holding her left hand palm-up with a grin Helena extended her hand to Ms. Gringer as she felt something fill it.

  “What is the meaning of this Ms. Richardson? Are you trying to insult me?” Old Grinder strangled out as she backed away.

  Helena glanced down at her hand, hoping to see anything but what she saw. She blinked rapidly but the creature remained. Rather than producing a sneefulling whazzlesnoot she’d produced a purple toad, calmly sitting in her palm.

  “Ack!” Helena cried as she pulled her palm back, the toad hopping off under the desk.

  Helena tried to find the toad but it was well hidden in the darkness under the desk.

  “Nevermind, Ms. Richardson, we’ll have someone from the Mistakenly Produced Department fetch it later. Now, quickly, produce a boiled egg, please.” Still imperiously looking down her nose at Helena Old Grinder was smiling as if her day had just been made.

  Helena suspected she knew why, as well. Holding out her palm once more she blinked and produced a boiled egg. The egg then started to smoke and exploded
outward, covering Old Grinder in egg yolk.

  Hanging her head Helena knew the examination was over. As Old Grinder wiped egg yolk from her face she appeared to become happier than Helena had ever seen her.

  “Oh, Ms. Richardson. It gives me the greatest of pleasure to inform you that your license will be good for only thirty more days. You may return at the end of that period, if you choose, to take the examination again, but as of right now, I’d suspend your license altogether if I could. As it stands you have to be allowed a final month and a re-examination. I doubt you’ll improve however and it will give me great pleasure to incinerate your license. A less worthy witch I’ve never seen.” Old Grinder’s smile grew wider as she took Helena’s white cardstock license and stamped it with a giant “P” that informed anyone looking at it that the license was pending.

  Helena had one more month to improve her skills or she’d lose her license to be a practicing witch. The scenario she had feared the most had just occurred. Pulling herself up bravely Helena took her license back from Old Grinder without a word and marched out of the Ministry of Assorted Licensing, and out to the bus station. Life couldn’t get any worse. Then the skies opened on her and Helena decided her first stop when she got back to her village in Derbyshire was going to be the pub. She needed a drink after this colossal failure.

  “Right Helena, you have to do something, this simply can’t continue. You either have to join a coven, go up to the stone circle at the Nine Ladies, or give up being a witch. You’re 29 years old, if you reach 30 with your powers so, well, un-powerful, you’ll spend the rest of your life that way!”