The Quality of Mercy

by Ari McKay

  “I thought we could stop here and eat dinner,” he said as he walked around to Jules’s side. “There are logs to sit on and a fire pit.”

  Jules drew in a breath at the gorgeous view. “This is amazing,” he said as he scooted to the edge of the seat and held out his hand so Carlos could help him down. “Here I thought everything in Texas was flat!”

  “Not at all,” Carlos replied. Helping Jules down took a little awkward maneuvering with the heavy cast, but Carlos got him safely on his feet. “Matt showed me this place. It is a favorite spot of his and Gil’s, and it is a favorite of mine as well.”

  He got Jules’s crutches out of the back and handed them over, and then he retrieved the covered basket before leading Jules over to a makeshift seating area with benches made of thick logs clustered around a stone-ringed fire pit.

  “I can see why.” Jules lowered himself onto one of the logs that gave him a view of the entire ranch spread out below, like something from an artist’s painting. The white paint of the big house and foreman’s house were tinted orange and gold by the rays of the lowering sun, and he could hear the distant sounds of the cattle and smell the scent of wood smoke carried on the breeze. “It’s so beautiful,” he murmured. “I didn’t know a ranch could look like this.”

  “Looking at things from a different perspective is important, I think.” Carlos picked up a couple of pieces of wood from the small pile near the fire pit and set about building a fire. “When I was younger, I would not have appreciated the beauty of this spot. I was too busy looking for the next new thing, hoping it would be better than what I had. Now, however, I know how to recognize the value of what I have and treasure it.”

  Jules turned his attention from the view to Carlos. “You love this ranch, don’t you?”

  Carlos glanced up from the fire and gave Jules a small smile. “I do,” he said simply. “I have found acceptance here. Matt and Gil have placed a great deal of trust in me, and I find I like the responsibility. I feel as if I have found a place to belong at last, and I consider it my home. I have no intention of moving on—not now, not ever.”

  “Even though you don’t own the land yourself?” Jules asked. “You must be very certain of Matt and Gil and your relationship with them.”

  The fire was crackling, putting off comforting heat to ward off the cool evening air, and Carlos moved away to get the basket. When he returned, he sat down on the log close enough that his arm pressed against Jules’s. Jules didn’t pull back, telling himself that the warmth of Carlos’s nearness was a good thing to help keep any possible chills away.

  “They are my friends,” Carlos said as he opened the basket and pulled out a thick ham sandwich in waxed paper, which he offered to Jules. “Bent Oak is stable, and Gil manages its finances well. I have no fear of him losing the ranch, and as long as I remain a loyal and conscientious worker, they will not ask me to leave. Moving on is usually a choice, and I no longer have any reason to make that choice.”

  Jules unwrapped the sandwich and took a bite, chewing it without really paying attention. Carlos had built a life for himself here, and he had an air of contentment about him that was quite different from ten years ago. Not to mention Carlos had never called anywhere “home” before. It occurred to Jules, with a suddenness that made him suck in a breath, that for once Carlos had not only a place to belong, but something to lose. Knowing the kind of man Gil Porter was, Jules couldn’t imagine him standing idly by while Carlos used and discarded someone. Carlos wouldn’t be able to treat Jules as he had before.

  “You want me to stay here with you, and share your life?” he asked softly. “You believe all this will be enough for you for the rest of your life?”

  Carlos waved his arm in an expansive gesture that encompassed both the land and the sky, which was deepening into indigo as the sun sank below the horizon. “I need not own this land to be satisfied with it. I have always loved working with horses, and I enjoy my job. There are few ranchers who would give me such freedom and responsibility with the horses. I like and respect both Gil and Matt, and I have many friends among the hands. Life here could not be better for me except for not having you by my side. That is the one thing I lack to make everything perfect.”

  If there was anyone who could personify temptation, it was Carlos Hernandez, and Jules had to look away before he let himself be overcome. The thought of staying on Bent Oak, of being with Carlos and building a life with him in a place where they would both be safe and accepted and had people who supported them and didn’t judge them, was almost too much to resist. If Carlos hadn’t broken his heart, Jules would have accepted the offer without thought, with joy at knowing he’d at long last found everything he could ever want. But the years of pain and loneliness and the memory of the agony of Carlos’s betrayal held him back, and an internal voice whispered in his ear that Carlos still might leave him, if less traumatically, for someone younger and stronger. Even if Carlos wanted him now, desire was a capricious base upon which to lay all his hopes, and so Jules had to push down the yearning he felt and force himself to face reality as it was. He was no longer a young man, and he, too, wanted to put down roots, and once he had, if things fell apart again with Carlos, he would no longer have the strength to move on and start over again. He felt torn, caught between his hopes and his fears, pulled in different directions as his heart and his mind each made their case, and neither yielded to the other.

  He continued to nibble on the sandwich, but he had little appetite for it, and when the silence stretched out too long, he sighed. “I’m glad you’ve made a place for yourself,” he said. “You’re very lucky.”

  “You could make a place for yourself here too.” Carlos finished his sandwich and turned his attention to the fire. “I would prefer if your place was with me, but even if it is not, Bent Oak could be your home too. Yours and Al’s.”

  The mention of Al reminded Jules of the one truly stable relationship in his life, and he latched on to the thought as something tangible that didn’t involve Carlos or his own ambiguous feelings. “Yes, I must consider Al,” he said. “He might not wish to stay here, you know. He’s still young, and though he is not my son by birth, he is mine in my heart. I wouldn’t wish to be separated from him.”

  “Considering how much time he has spent in the company of Miss Tabitha McManus, I doubt you need worry about him wanting to move on,” Carlos said dryly. He was silent for a moment, then added quietly, “I envy you the opportunity to raise a child.”

  “What?” Jules stared at Carlos, unable to believe what he’d heard. “You wanted children? I had the feeling you had no use for them.”

  “When I was younger, I did not,” Carlos replied, delving into the basket again. He pulled out two slices of pound cake and passed one to Jules. “But I sometimes think about what it would be like to have a family now that I have a home.”

  Jules looked down at the piece of golden cake without really seeing it. “Being a father is not anything like I would have imagined, if I’d ever imagined it,” he said slowly. “I’ve always liked children, of course, or I would not have chosen teaching for a career. But I never imagined having one of my own. Then Mary and Al came into my life, and it was both the most wonderful and the most terrifying thing imaginable. Even though Al was already seven by the time I met his mother, I’m the only father he’s ever known. I knew if I made mistakes with him, I could ruin his life. So I tried to think of all the things about my own parents that gave me strength and do them. Al was a wonderful boy who has grown into a man of whom any father could be proud. I look at him, and I realize my life had a purpose after all. Perhaps something of my spirit will live on in him and in the way he treats his own children. That, more than anything, has given my life meaning.”

  Carlos’s expression turned wistful while he listened to Jules. “Would you consider doing it again?”

  The question wasn’t one Jules ever expected from Carlos, and he couldn’t miss the implication behind the question.
He considered denying any desire for such a thing, but Jules wasn’t a man to lie when asked a direct question.

  “Yes,” he replied quietly. “If there were ever a child in need of a home, I would.”

  “So would I.” Carlos ate his cake with more enthusiasm than Jules. “At any rate, I hope you understand why I wanted to show you the ranch.”

  “I believe I do understand,” Jules said. He placed the piece of cake on the log. “You wanted to show me that you are invested in this place. That in inviting me to share your life here, you would have something to lose if you treated me badly.”

  Carlos inclined his head, smiling slightly. “My wandering feet were the problem ten years ago, but now I have found a home where I am content to remain for the rest of my life. I thought perhaps showing you proof would soothe some of your fears that I will leave you again. I am not going anywhere, and I hope you might come to love Bent Oak as much as I do.”

  “Wandering feet were part of the problem,” Jules acknowledged, his tone tart. “But they were not the only part of you that went astray.”

  “No,” Carlos admitted, his smile turning wry. “But my eyes have no urge to wander either. They are content to drink in the sight of you. That is harder to prove, I know, but I have been alone for quite some time. I want a partner, not a novelty.”

  “So you say. I can see you are not the selfish boy you were ten years ago, and you seem to have settled down. But there is no temptation being dangled in front of you, is there?” He wasn’t ready to admit how much a part of him wanted to accept what Carlos was offering, and he needed some reason to keep his distance so he could keep his heart safe.

  “On the contrary, there is a young man seeking my attention.” Carlos folded his piece of waxed paper and tucked it into the basket. “I could bed him tonight if I desired, but he is not the man I want.”

  Jules couldn’t help but wonder who it was. If Jules continued to refuse, might Carlos seek affection elsewhere? “Who?” he asked, before he could stop himself.

  “His name is Caleb, and he works at Bent Oak,” Carlos replied as he put another small piece of wood on the fire. “He is handsome. Had I met him a few years ago, I might have accepted his attentions. But he is young, and more importantly, he is not you.”

  “I know which hand he is.” Jules frowned, thinking of the younger man’s smooth, tanned skin and the appeal of his youth and energy. “You would truly prefer me to him?”

  Carlos slid his arm around Jules’s waist. “You are handsome and intelligent and kind. I love listening to you read. I love watching you with your pupils, young or old. Your passion for teaching is inspiring. I love how well-matched we were in bed. I think we still would be. We have changed, but I can tell our chemistry together has not. With all that in mind, why would I prefer a callow youth over you?”

  Jules looked down at his hands. “Because he is a youth? Because you would not have to watch him fade before your eyes as age steals his energy and his love of life?”

  “Age has nothing to do with loss,” Carlos said. “Who is to say I will not fall from Corazon’s back and die tomorrow? I would rather spend what time I have left with you.”

  The thought of Carlos dying sent a pain like a knife through Jules’s heart. “I’m not speaking of you or of a quick death,” he said, feeling he needed to share his darkest fear. “I’m talking about the decline of old age or long illness. I’m forty years old, Carlos. I watched Al’s mother fade from the vibrant, loving woman she was into a shadow of herself, who wished for death to end her pain. I was not in love with Mary, but I did love her, and her death made me aware of my own mortality as I have never been before. It takes strength to remain beside someone as they wither away, knowing there is not a thing you can do about it. It takes something that is far beyond being well-matched in bed or an attraction that could fade. Perhaps some people would say I should seize what you are offering and enjoy it while it lasts. But I can’t do that. I can’t simply live in the moment, when I know the moments I have are fewer and fewer with each passing day.”

  “I will remain by your side even when your golden curls turn silver.” Carlos tightened his arm around Jules. “I will be with you even when your skin is wrinkled and your bones are brittle. Your looks may fade, but I do not care. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He bent his head and brushed a light kiss against Jules’s lips. “I love you, Jules.”

  The air left Jules’s lungs, and his heart pounded in his chest. His eyes burned as tears blurred his vision. How often had he dreamed of hearing Carlos say those words to him? He’d once thought having Carlos’s love was the only thing in life that really mattered, and he had done everything in his power to win Carlos’s heart. And now Carlos was here, saying the words that once would have made him happier than he could have dreamed, and they frightened him. Now he feared he wouldn’t be able to resist Carlos any longer, and he wasn’t certain he still wanted to try.

  Swallowing hard, Jules willed himself to speak, trying to summon up his firm intentions to resist Carlos. He felt like a drowning man, desperately swimming for a distant shore he knew he couldn’t reach. “If you’d told me that ten years ago or had sought me out yourself, rather than chance simply throwing us together again, I might have believed you meant it.”

  “I do mean it.” Carlos stroked Jules’s cheek with his free hand, gazing at Jules with warm affection. “I have never said those words to another man, for I have loved no other man but you. My heart is yours alone, my jewel.”

  Jules’s breath caught, and something inside of him seemed to melt at the endearment. When Carlos had first come to him for tutoring, he’d had trouble pronouncing Jules’s name. He’d said it as “Jewel,” and it had become a term of endearment between them, Carlos’s special name for him. Hearing it now, with Carlos’s avowal of love, was more than Jules could resist.

  Before he’d even realized what he intended to do, he closed the distance between them, pressing his lips to Carlos’s as a sound almost like a sob escaped him. Carlos slid his fingers into Jules’s hair as he parted his lips and took control of the kiss, deepening it.

  This was different from the gentle kiss they’d shared on the night of the fire. That had been almost chaste, but this kiss was not. Jules parted his lips, wanting—needing—more. He wrapped his arms around Carlos’s shoulders and pulled him closer, desire rising within him as swiftly as it always had when he was in Carlos’s arms. Carlos released a low, needy moan as he claimed Jules’s mouth, exploring with eager hunger as if he couldn’t get enough of Jules.

  This wasn’t supposed to happen. Jules was supposed to stand firm and resist any attempt at seduction, but he was the one who had initiated the kiss, and now he didn’t want it to end. He slid his hands into Carlos’s hair, the sound of Carlos’s moan sending his arousal flaring even higher. Jules felt more alive than he had in the past ten years, and he couldn’t resist kissing Carlos back, matching his passion measure for measure. Carlos nipped at Jules’s bottom lip, and then he mouthed kisses along Jules’s jaw and down to his neck, homing in on the sensitive spot beneath Jules’s ear.

  Jules let his head fall back, gasping as Carlos unerringly found the spot that made Jules go weak. He was helpless in the face of both Carlos’s desire and his own, but at the moment, he couldn’t really find it in himself to care about anything except having Carlos in his arms. Carlos wound his arms around Jules, holding him close and tight, as if he never wanted to let Jules go, and he pressed his lips against Jules’s throat. After a moment, he drew back, and when he looked at Jules, his dark eyes glittered with desire.

  “I want you more than mere words can convey,” he said, his voice low and husky. “I would make you mine again right here if I could. But I want no walls between us when we make love again. I want more than your body. I want your heart and your trust, given freely and without reservation.”

  Jules stared up at Carlos, a protest rising to his lips. But he held it back, Carlos’s words hel
ping to bring him back out of the sensual fog that had almost claimed him. “You do?” he asked, stunned that Carlos would hold back when he must have known Jules had been ready to surrender.

  “I do. I am ready to devote the rest of my life to making you happy,” Carlos said, stroking Jules’s cheek gently. “Are you ready to say you love and trust me completely?”

  Staring into Carlos’s eyes, Jules wanted to say yes. It would be so easy to speak the words, but Jules knew in his heart they wouldn’t really be true. He was starting to believe that Carlos’s claims of wanting him for the rest of their lives might be true, but desire alone wasn’t enough to banish ten years of pain and doubt, nor to break down the walls Jules had built to protect his heart.

  “No,” he said slowly. “I can’t. Not yet. But if you’d asked me if I trusted you at all a month ago, I would have said I could never trust you again, no matter what. Now… I’m beginning to think I could.”

  “That is good.” Carlos smiled and brushed a light kiss to Jules’s cheek. “But it means I must still prove myself to you. I am willing to wait until you can give yourself to me with a heart unfettered by fear or doubt.”

  The protective walls were still there, but Carlos’s words were an effective assault on them. Even though his body cried out for fulfillment, Jules knew Carlos was right. “Thank you,” he said, combing his fingers through Carlos’s hair gently. “I do want you, never doubt that. I haven’t wanted anyone but you since the day you first knocked on my door.”

  “You have me,” Carlos said simply. “When you are ready, I am yours.”

  For both their sakes, Jules hoped it wouldn’t take too long, or else he was certain he would be in danger of dying from longing. He sighed softly, hoping his wayward desires, now that they were roused, wouldn’t be too difficult to keep in check.

  He smiled wryly, pulling his hands back with reluctance, needing a bit of space in order to get himself back under control. It felt much colder without the warmth of Carlos’s arms around him, and he shivered. “I suppose we should go back now,” he said. “It’s getting dark.”