Broken Fairytale

by Nikola Jensen

“I didn’t go anywhere Declan, I arrived,” I reply with a smile.

  “Right, well let’s go home beautiful girl.”

  He takes my hand and gently pulls me off the bed as though he’s scared he’ll break me. We walk to Declan’s car in the multi storey car park and every time I catch my reflection in a window, I wince. In the daylight my face looks white as a sheet, and even in the glassy transparency of a car window, I can see the purple bruises of fatigue under my eyes, the yellowing bruises on my cheek. My hair looks dead and tangled with black burnt into the ends.

  As if Declan realises where my thoughts are going, he pulls me into his side and picks up the pace of his long strides as though to rush me out of here. The drive home takes forever. I feel like chanting are we there yet in impatience. I’m so desperate for a bath and to get Sofia to cut my hair. I can’t face going anywhere else; there’ll be too many questions. Declan and I sit in silence the whole way home, the only sound is the haunting melody of ‘Dream On’ by Aerosmith coming from the speakers. Declan’s hand, every now and then, gives my thigh a reassuring squeeze or grabs my hand, stroking me with his thumb. Once the car is parked, I walk out of my breathless bubble of self-reflective bollocks and back into reality. Along the way, I shrug off the heaviness that’s always kept me from enjoying life, worried that it’ll be taken from me, grieving it’s loss as another strike is etched into the wooden trunk of a tree, marked forever.

  “You okay Izzy. You’re so quiet?” Declan takes my hand as we walk up the concrete steps to the front door, getting the keys out to unlock it.

  “Yeah just reflecting a bit and counting the seconds till the bath I can’t wait to sink into,” I say, feeling tired. We walk into a house with no music playing; no TV or radio on, it’s completely silent. I guess everyone’s either at work or at Uni.

  “I’m going to go run a bath; will you stick the kettle on please?” I ask him taking my hand from his and giving him a confident smile that hopefully shows I’m not going to crack, that in fact I’m okay.

  “Yeah I’ll make you a coffee and bring it up Izzy.” He kisses the top of my head before I walk upstairs and into the bathroom where I immediately crank the taps. Pouring about half of the bath crème into the bath, I start undressing and sink into the still running water making sure my injured arm stays out of the bath. I close my eyes and sink down as far as I can go, covering myself in the copious amounts of bubbles that are thankfully overpowering the stench of burnt hair still embedded in my nose.

  I’m turning off the tap with my foot just as Declan walks into the bathroom with my coffee, closing the door behind him.

  “I don’t know why but that’s so bloody sexy and just reminded me of that Cadbury chocolate commercial on telly years ago.”

  “Mmmm chocolate,” I sigh closing my eyes again and wishing I had a Snickers bar.

  “Hang on, be right back.” Declan disappears again down the stairs. I drink some of my coffee and feel more relaxed than I have in a long while.

  “Nothing says I love you more than giving you my last Snickers bar,” he laughs as he comes back in.

  “No it really doesn’t,” I grin in pure happiness as I make a grab for it splashing him in the process. I laugh as I quickly put my coffee down to un-wrap chocolate heaven and take a huge bite. I close my eyes and sigh loudly in pure enjoyment as I have everything that makes me happy right here in this room. I have Declan, the man who carries my heart in his, a hot bath, my coffee and my favourite chocolate bar.

  “Bloody hell sweetheart, that sound you just made, you naked in the bath taking a huge bite, I think I just came in my jeans,” he chokes on a groan.

  I burst out laughing, feeling myself blush as I take the last bite of the Snickers bar before I submerge my head in the water. When I surface and open my eyes he walks over and crouches beside the bath. He has that look on his face, which makes me feel like I’m about to be ravished and I immediately start to tremble. He bends his head down and catches my bottom lip with his teeth; his tongue slowly licks a path, raining kisses up my jaw ending with a bite and a tug of my ear lobe. I shiver and feel desperate for his touch. His hand slowly and barely touching me, brushes down my neck until it rests on the middle of my chest, where it stills.

  “Tease,” I moan to him and I hear and feel his chuckle, somewhere near my collar bone.

  “Just relax Izzy, let me take it all away for a moment and just feel.”

  He starts skimming his fingers across my breasts, alternating between strokes and soft pinches. My head falls back as I close my eyes in pure bliss. Moving his hand slowly down over my stomach, it dips under the water and he pushes my legs apart lifting one leg up and over the edge of the bath. I feel his palm stroke a slow sensuous path from my foot, up the inside of my leg until it stills, cupping me under the water. One finger starts to work me, another dipping inside and I tense as I feel weightless, yet grounded by his strong hand. I can’t open my eyes, they’re forced shut by the sensations of his strong guitar-calloused fingers. His mouth devours mine as he takes me right to the edge and over, swallowing my moans as I shake in the water. The come down seems to last forever and a warm blanket of fatigue wraps itself around me. Declan starts stroking my hair whilst raining butterfly kisses all over my face.

  “Let me take you to bed Iz.” He stands up and walks over to the cupboard to get me a clean towel. I pull out the plug and stand to get out the bath. Declan smiles as he looks at me reverently.

  “Just beautiful.” He wraps me in the towel and puts his arms around me, rubbing his hand up and down my back. Back in our bedroom I climb under the covers exhausted and as soon as I close my eyes I fall asleep.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  It’s completely dark when I wake up and I realise I’ve been asleep most of the day. Stretching, I get out of bed just as my stomach decides to complain, wanting food. Pulling on a pair of black joggers and a fitted black tank top, I pad downstairs to search the fridge for some food. As I round the stairs, Sofia’s there with her arms around me in floods of tears as she inspects almost every inch of me.

  “How are you feeling Izzy, are you coping hun?” She pulls back to look at my face trying to gage if I’m going to feed her a lie.

  “Sad, happy, relieved, devastated Sofia. You name it, I probably feel it, but right now it’s too overwhelming to analyse, so I won’t. Instead I want to eat and drink, alcohol preferably.” Sofia nods and I know she understands. We walk into the kitchen and I sit down.

  “Okay,” she says, coming to stand in front of me with about ten take-away menus in her hands. “Pick a menu…any menu.”

  I scrunch my eyes as I look them over, licking my lips, while my stomach groans yet again. “Mmm Indian, yeah definitely an Indian. The butter chicken and some coconut naan bread and poppadums please,” I say, my mouth watering in anticipation.

  “Right, let me go ring them, you open the wine,” she says, as she goes to get her mobile. I check out the fridge for wine and find a bottle of white, which I open and pour into the nearest glasses. No proper etiquette needed, I fill them to the brim. I stick my iPod in the docking station and put on Biffy Clyro. Only when the mind is as scrambled as much as mine do their lyrics make sense, actually, maybe not, but I love them all the same.

  I empty half my glass and although it’s chilled, I feel the warmth of the wine, coat my insides. Opening the kitchen drawer I take out a pair of kitchen scissors, waiting for Sofia to come back.

  “So I’ve rung them, the food will be here in forty-five minutes, hey what are you doing with the scissors?” She stops what she’s doing, looking at me all confused.

  “I want you to cut my hair Sof.”

  “Why hun?” she whispers, as if scared of the answer.

  I pull out the hairband from my hair and shake it out showing her the dead blackened ends.

  “Aw shit, that’s quite a chunk to take off, are you sure you want me to do it?” She lifts up the ends that reach half way down my back.

&nb
sp; “Cut it straight across above the highest burn mark please,” I tell her as I sit down, just wanting it done. Sofia has cut hair before. She used to work in our local hairdresser after school, and although she mostly swept floors and made tea and coffee for Gemma’s clients, she started helping out, getting trained in the basics. Sofia gets her hairbrush out and places a tea towel on my shoulders. She starts brushing my hair free of as many knots as she can find without hurting me, then gets the water spray we use for the potted plants and wets my hair.

  “I have to take your hair up to about where your bra would sit Izzy.” She sounds so apologetic and upset.

  “It’s fine Sofia just do it.”

  As she starts cutting and I visualise the black patched hair hitting the floor, I feel a sense of relief, almost like Sofia’s cutting out all the bad, all the fear and the worry. Cutting off the obedient side I had to adopt to stay out of harm’s way. It so freeing and I feel weightless.

  We talk about my Dad and Mum while she fixes my hair. I explain to her that there’s nothing I can do until what happened has been investigated and signed off. I don’t voice my nagging suspicions that something seemed off that night, that I walked in on something I shouldn’t have. It sounds too unbelievable and as there’s no proof that I know of, I want to keep these thoughts to myself for now.

  “Umm yeah so I got a bit carried away here Izzy, but it looks the dog’s bollocks, if I say so myself.”

  I laugh at her as I stand up to go check it out in the hallway mirror. I’m gobsmacked, Sofia’s managed to not only cut out the bad, she’s cut long layers into it as well. But my hair is still long and to top it off, she’s given me a sweeping fringe.

  “I bloody love it Sof, thank you so much hun, but how on earth did I not know you were this talented?” I run my fingers through my hair in wonder. I’ve never really changed my hair style before. I get it trimmed when it needs it and that’s pretty much it.

  “You’re very welcome Izzy, I’m a woman of many talents, you know that. And now, I declare, wine o’clock.”

  As Sofia sweeps the floor I take our wine glasses into the living room, balancing the half- empty bottle under my arm. I half lie down on one couch as Sofia takes the other, savouring the chilled wine as we wait for our food.

  “Oh I heard from Taylor, did I tell you? Turns out that twat-bag bint left him,” Sofia laughs, but I hear the strain in her voice.

  “And, is he trying to worm his way back in with you?” I ask her.

  “Yeah, but I told him to bugger off. It’s too late Izzy, he acted like an arsehole, I can’t forgive him and I swear I won’t ever be someone’s second choice, which is what I became when he let that munter suck him off. Anyway, I think his biggest problem is that he feels like billy no mates at the moment because everyone’s pissed off with him and he’s so pathetic he needs me.” She takes a huge gulp of wine and despite her words I know she’s more upset over Taylor than she says.

  The doorbell interrupts us and Sofia runs to get our food as I start sticking some plates and forks out. We sit in complete silence for ages while we devour our meal. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this hungry. The evening flies past as we eat and drink, both of us getting more pissed by the minute as two empty wine bottles stand on the coffee table. Currently we’re lying next to each other on the lounge floor, in the dark, holding hands and listening to Caleb’s haunting voice as Kings of Leon belts out ‘Closer’. There’s just something about lying in complete darkness and listening to music. I think when you remove all of your other senses the music affects you so much more, literally crawls into your soul and makes a home there, invoking whatever feelings you associate with that song. I’ve always believed that other than your written memoirs you can have a musical one too. Music is, without doubt, one of the most effective ways of telling someone how you feel or what you went through. It heightens your emotions and makes you feel them so much more.

  I have no idea how long we lie here but we’re taken out of our thoughts when the front door slams open and the lads come home. I can hear Declan, Aiden and Max come into the room.

  “Yo pissheads,” Max shouts so we can hear him over Caleb’s voice.

  “If you’re not going to join us on the floor, piss off you dozy gits,” Sofia laughs.

  I refuse to open my eyes but I sense the lads coming in and joining us. And a hand wraps around mine as Declan lies down next to me.

  There is complete silence through another song until ‘Sex on Fire’ comes on, and as if on cue, all five of us start belting it out, trying to over sing each other. We sing the whole song, getting louder and louder and burst into laughter when it finishes.

  “Right kids, I’m off to bed.” Aiden stands up and comes over to give me a kiss and a cuddle before bounding upstairs. Max soon follows, carrying a drunk and fast asleep Sofia up to put her to bed. Declan and I are the only ones left as we listen to a few more songs in the darkness.

  “You ready to go up sweetheart?” he asks, stroking my face with his hand and running his fingers through my hair. I hiccup very loudly turning my face to look at him laughing.

  “I’ll take that as a yes shall I?” he grins, standing and pulling me up by my hand. I sway as I stand there trying to focus on him but everything is starting to spin.

  “You’re bladdered Izzy,” he says as he lifts me up into a fire man hold and takes me upstairs.

  I’m thinking this isn’t such a great idea as the blood rushing to my head is starting to make me feel sick. I start smacking his arse yelling at him to let me down. He stops and guides me into the bathroom.

  “Right, go have a wee and brush your teeth, then come to bed madam,” he laughs.

  “You said wee,” I say, and can’t stop laughing as Declan shakes his head at me. I close the door and sort myself out, getting ready for bed. As I walk into the bedroom, Declan’s sitting on the bed strumming on his guitar. I crawl under the covers and get comfortable, wrapping myself up in the blanket. “Play me a song Declan?” I ask him.

  He looks over at me, shifting to sit so he’s facing me with his legs crossed. There’s something about the way he’s sat there in just his t-shirt and boxers that makes my heart skip a beat.

  “Will you play me one of your own songs?” I plead.

  “Yeah…sure.” His brows furrow deep in thought.

  He starts playing a slow mesmerising tune, his fingers moving effortlessly across the strings and frets.

  “With You

  When you are low/I’ll be your high

  You are my mountain/I’ll be your sky

  When you are weak/I’ll be your strong

  You are the words/You are my song

  When times get tough and you can’t find the words to say…

  I need you now no matter how

  You know I’d fight for you/do anything you asked me to

  I’d crawl a thousand miles to hold your hand to be with you

  You know I’d die for you/sell my soul to be with you

  I’d tell a thousand lies and make them all believe it’s true…just to be with you

  When I am wrong/You’ll be my right

  You are my day/You are my night

  When I am lost/You’ll be my way

  You are my words/When there’s nothing to say

  When times get tough don’t think you’re all alone…I’ll be there…Everywhere

  You know I’d fight for you/Do anything you’d ask me to

  I’d crawl a thousand miles to hold your hand…to be with you

  You know I’d die for you/ Sell my soul to be with you

  I’d tell a thousand lies and make them all believe it’s true…Just to be with you.

  When walls start shaking and fall to the ground…I will

  be building them back to keep us safe all around. All you need to do is ask me to…

  You know I’d do anything just to be with you….Be with you.”

  As the song slows down and finishes, he opens his eyes an
d looks straight at me.

  “Come to bed,” I whisper to him, feeling this moment as something monumental. Declan stands and walks over to place his guitar back in its stand. He walks back towards the bed just as the clouds part from hiding the moon and it shines like a spotlight through the skylight. I sit up and pull my hair band from my hair, shaking my head to release it. Declan’s eyes widen and I swear I hear him gasp. I slowly pull my tank top off and sit up on my knees. Pulling down my joggers, I wriggle out of them until I am completely naked sitting on my knees on the edge of the bed.

  Declan walks over to stand right in front of me. “My amazing Izzy,” he sighs, as he reaches over to touch me.

  “No, don’t, let me do this.” I push him back and run my fingers up and under the edge of his t-shirt. Trailing my finger over his skin just above his waistband. Touching him with my palms my fingers spread wide, I softly glide them up, pulling his shirt with me. He pulls it the rest of the way throwing, it into the corner of the room, his arm muscles flexing as he does. I lick my lips as the strength in his arms makes my mouth dry. I run my hands over every bit of his exposed skin, my fingers trailing over every inch of his tattoos.

  “Beautiful…sexy…amazing Izzy, I need to be inside you.” His breathing is erratic and it’s an unbelievable heady feeling to think I’m the cause of this.

  “No, it’s my turn,” I reply, as I start to kiss and lick every muscle, every groove and every inch of his tattoos. I just can’t get enough of him. I grab his hips as I kiss down the trail that disappears beneath the waist band of his boxers. I kiss the hardness through the material before pushing them down.

  Looking up at him, my eyes connect with his and the intensity with which they look at me, is like a burning brand, and I shiver as they mark me. Still looking at him, I close my hand around him as I grab his arse with my other one. I start to move my hand slowly, still looking at him. His breathing accelerates and he pushes one hand roughly though his hair.

  “Jesus Iz, you drive me crazy,” he groans as I speed up my hand, licking up the length of him before putting him in my mouth. His hand moves down to gently cradle the back of my head, no pressure from him at all, letting me set my own speed. The sounds he makes spur me on and I’m rubbing my thighs together as I too get worked up making him feel good. He suddenly pulls me away and gently pushes me onto my back on the bed, pulling my legs over his shoulders, as he decides to play the payback game. I squirm and grab the headboard under the onslaught of emotions from what he’s doing to me. Just as I’m about to come, he climbs up my body and penetrates me completely in one forceful move that has me shouting in desperation for him. He stills, so I grab his arse and wriggle, trying to get him to move. He does, but these are not slow or languid thrusts. This is possession and taking, this is complete submission to him as he takes what’s his, what he desires, so hard, so forcefully. He buries his face in my neck and bites me, making me fall over the edge and come so hard I scream his name.