"No! Of course not! Look, Layla, no doubt you came across Erica's video on some porn site. She put that up! Not me! She stole it from me and uploaded it!"
"So why didn't you sue her, or take her to the cops or...I don't know, isn't that shit illegal!?"
He shrugged. "We had someone film us. It was all consensual. In that case it isn't illegal. She liked that shit. She got me into it."
This was too much. My mind whirled. "You still had no fucking right to film us fucking without me knowing about it! And what about the other girls, do they know? The ones on your laptop?"
He hesitated. "Layla...I..."
"Answer the fucking question!"
"N — no, most of them...don't know. Layla, I'm — "
"Urgh! God! You're sick!" The nausea of it all struck me like a swaying boat in the middle of a raging tempest. "And what if my video had been stolen? What if someone had uploaded this — ?"
"Layla — "
"It could have happened, right?"
He nodded, tight-lipped.
"Fuck you," I said.
"You were the last one, Layla. I confess, I filmed all those girls, but I never uploaded any of that shit! Many of them did know about it. But after you... I didn't even put yours on my computer. You were different... I'd simply forgotten to erase the tape! After you, I started looking at things differently. It wasn't about the sex only anymore. It was about...something else, something deeper." He waited for me to say something.
"You done?"
He sighed out in defeat, shrugged. "Yeah, I'm done."
"So am I. Done for good with you!"
Before running out the door I did something totally fucking cool. I went to his bedroom, picked up his laptop, and sent it in a graceful arc with the full force of my best baseball pitch, straight through his damned wall-windows, out into his lawn. Glass shattered everywhere.
"Asshole," I said.
But I wasn't quite done yet:
"If I ever see you at the college again, or if I even get a hint of you still having a recording of me, or of it ever appearing on the internet, you better believe I will hack the shit out of every goddamned account you've ever even breathed on. Facebook, Twitter, your emails, your company. I will find and expose everything about you. Your bank accounts, your tax accounts, your siblings' accounts. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. You've looked at my college file. You damn well know this ain't no idle threat. You know why they accepted me. I'm on a scholarship for 'superior skills demonstrated in the field of computer security.' Someone in your field should know what that really means: I'm a hacker, and I've proven it! It won't be the first time I've done something like this. You got me?"
Nathan swallowed, his skin pale. He nodded.
And then I walked out.
I heard Nathan cry out muffled words as the door was closing. "Layla, I think I'm in love" — the door slammed — "with you!"
I didn't feel bad-ass at all. I felt lonely, and I felt fucking stupid.
I didn't call the cops. I didn't know if it was legal or illegal what he'd done. And I was sure I'd scared the shit out of him anyway. The truth is, if Nathan had asked me if he'd liked to video us having sex, I might have agreed, and I would've probably even watched it with him in order to get us hot and horny some night...
But that wasn't the point. He'd lied, he'd betrayed my trust. He'd betrayed the trust of who knows how many other girls before me... I mean, if you stop screwing a guy, he shouldn't be able to watch you screwing him again in a video!
Nathan was just another Jason Carver. He had more experience, better looks and tons more money, but they'd both come off the same assembly line.
I was suddenly repulsed.
I walked off, half a year into my twenty-first year on this earth, feeling as alone and empty as I'd felt ever since the beginning of my twelfth. Story of my life.
The Concurrency of Processes involving me were always simple, no matter what course or relationships they got involved in, I always came out alone at the end of it.
-12-
When I got home I texted Clayton.
Layla: Thank you.
I stared blankly at my phone, desperate to have him message me back, just an 'OK' or something.
He did:
Clayton: Pleasure. Wanna get a drink?
I did want to...
A drink. And nothing more.
Layla: Sure.
Clayton: I was hoping you'd say that. Truth is...I miss you like crazy.
A tear pricked my eye.
Then I texted one long-ass message over to him. I'd blame it on booze, but I wasn't drunk. Sometimes, it just takes a catastrophe like this to make you see things in their pure and complete simplicity.
Layla: I miss you, too. And...just FYI...I fucking love you, in all the ways a person can love another. Friendship, and otherwise... I have since the beginning. No pressure, Clay. It's just so you know. Drinks only, no problem. I'm not expecting anything. I know you're with someone and I respect that.
I didn't care if it was appropriate, sounded needy, whatever. I just needed him to know it. I was done lying to myself about my feelings. I'd never loved Nathan, and he'd never loved me. Not real love. That was the Occam's Razor of it. Something like this would never have happened with Clay. Clayton would have at least asked!
Because people who truly love each other just don't do that kind of shit! Nathan could take his rules and sex and fun and shove 'em up his goddamned voyeur-loving ass!
Clayton messaged back.
Clayton: I guess that means we're...dating? I dumped the sugar-mommy BTW. She just wasn't...you.
OMG! More tears pricked my eyes. But for a totally different reason.
I decided I'd like to take it slow, do the whole emotional-love-only thing for a bit.
Layla: You'll have to court me first...
Clayton: Well then, m'lady, fancy restaurant it is. Let us wine and dine tonight...
Yip, Clayton was my Power Button.
I could feel myself rebooting already.
I hoped this would be the last time I'd ever have to do it.
-13-
After drinks, I ended up in Clayton's dorm room. And we slept together. No, actually slept together, the snoozing, snoring kind. (Luckily, he didn't snore.)
We spooned, my nose nuzzled against his soft, straight hair. I knew this is what it must be like to be with someone you love, this plus the physical attraction. In that moment, it felt simple. But I knew it might soon become complicated. It's impossible to love someone the way I loved Clayton without it ever getting physical. Tonight, however, we were just two warm bodies, hugging.
My eyes closed and I held him tighter, feeling his warmth against me, not needing to daydream of anyone else, because I was with exactly whom I wanted to be with, and had always wanted to be with throughout this rollercoaster ride called college. He squeezed my hand.
I didn't sleep much that night, hardly slept at all. I breathed Clayton into me all night, let his scent enter me and warm me, fill me. I never wanted to sleep again when I was with him.
I'd missed out on too much time with him already.
THE END OF BOOK THREE...
(See next section for further release info.)
BOOK FOUR
Book Four of the Girl-Nerd Series is already available!
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Let's do it again in Book Four, shall we?
Love,
R
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Girl-Nerds Like it Deeper (Erotic Romance) Book 3 (Girl-Nerd Series) Page 5
