Standing Strong

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘Hopefully it won’t be too long and we’ll at least know where things stand and what the future holds. Doctor Squire is quite confident all will be resolved,’ Eileen added a little wistfully.

  ‘Yes, he really is being very supportive of Jacqueline,’ Philip added.

  ‘Thank you so much for stopping in. You’re right, I have been avoiding you. I didn’t know how I’d look you in the eye again. And the rest of the world,’ Damien said. ‘My life feels like such a mess.’

  ‘Is there something else going on?’ Philip asked.

  ‘Mum left Geoff.’

  ‘Yes, she announced that at dinner that night at Jacqueline’s,’ Eileen said, looking baffled.

  ‘And now it looks like the farm might be sold to sort out their financial settlement.’

  ‘Oh,’ Eileen and Philip both said at once.

  ‘Just when I’ve finally sorted myself out.’ Damien buried his head in his arms on the table. Tears filled his eyes. He just felt so overwhelmed, so damned useless. He’d nearly given in to the tears when Squish nudged him. He swallowed hard and concentrated on patting the little dog.

  ‘Are you sure it will come to that? Perhaps there’s another way,’ Eileen said.

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t know anything any more.’

  ‘Have you sat down together and started working through the figures?’ Philip asked.

  ‘No. I only found out after I’d discovered that she was the one who dobbed Jacqueline in. I’m too pissed off to speak to her. Oh, I’m so sorry about the language,’ he said, looking at Eileen.

  Eileen waved his apology away.

  ‘As I said, it’s all such a mess. And I don’t know what to do.’ He hadn’t meant to say that bit, it sounded so childish.

  ‘You’ve got your own piece of land, haven’t you?’

  ‘Yes, but there’s nothing there – no power, no water. Just a super shed. And it’s too far out of the way for people to deliver unwanted animals. It’s too inconvenient. I’m off the beaten track here as it is.’

  ‘You can’t think like that. It’s defeatist. There must be a way,’ Philip said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

  ‘Yes,’ Eileen agreed. ‘If they’re going to bring them at all, what’s a few more kilometres? As long as it’s well signposted and easy enough to find. You can’t give up so easily.’

  They went through all the pros and cons. While they didn’t come up with anything concrete, Damien was beginning to see that while it wasn’t ideal and would take a lot of work, Esperance could be relocated to his block. Unlike Eileen, he wasn’t entirely convinced that people would be willing to go so far off the beaten track, but he had to get a grip, and start thinking more positively, otherwise he might slide right back into the hell he’d been in before. Anyway, it might not come to the farm being sold. Access wasn’t the only problem, however: his block wouldn’t support enough sheep or crop to bring in the income he needed so badly.

  ‘Perhaps you could do something else a bit different to make ends meet?’ Eileen suggested.

  Damien had wanted to snap, Like what? All I’ve ever known is farming. But they were just trying to help. He could see that.

  ‘It’ll work itself out,’ Philip finally said.

  ‘Yes, you’ll see. These things always do,’ Eileen added.

  Damien nodded. He felt much better for having discussed it; felt not quite so terrified of the future. He was grateful they hadn’t once suggested he walk away from the animals, his dream. His mother would have, of that he was sure. That was another reason he didn’t want to discuss all this with her: he couldn’t bear to listen to her making it all about her, as she always did. And this was pretty much all about her – if it wasn’t for her marrying and now wanting to divorce the dickhead retired shearer, Damien wouldn’t be in this fucking mess. But there was a flicker of hope burning deep inside him. He wasn’t sure what form it would take or even if it was just a feeling of relief that he’d unburdened himself, but he’d go with it for now. Everything would work itself out, he had to believe that. What else was there?

  ‘We saw your Facebook post on the tax-deductible donation status,’ Eileen said. ‘Huge congratulations. And don’t worry, as far as we know, Jacqueline still isn’t on Facebook. We know all about the petition. It’s amazing seeing the town come together.’

  ‘So what’s Sam, the emu’s story?’ Philip said. ‘I’m curious to look him over. As I’m sure you can imagine, I’ve never had one in my city surgery before.’

  Damien got up. ‘Come and meet him properly. He’s actually quite nice. I’ve had a fear of emus since I was a little tacker. Would you like to come as well, Eileen, or stay here? There are actually two horses as well.’

  ‘Oh, actually, I wouldn’t mind staying here. I’m a bit afraid of horses too. Can I feed the kittens, or something?’

  ‘You can have a cuddle with them, if you like. There’s still ten minutes until their next feed,’ Damien said, checking the time on his phone. ‘Though, knowing them, they’ll be squawking any minute now.’

  Damien and Philip made their way over to the yards and, as they did, Damien couldn’t help smiling at the assortment of creatures surrounding them. While he felt better for having spoken to Philip and Eileen, the shadow of fear, dread and helplessness hung all around him.

  ‘Hello there,’ Philip said. ‘You’re a couple of fine looking pieces of horseflesh.’

  ‘They’ve been well looked after. The girl who had them, Alice, lost her job and the rental where she kept them. I hope she can come back for them before too long, not that I mind having them. But she was distraught, poor thing. It really cut me up to see her go through that.’

  ‘Well, thank goodness she had you.’

  ‘Yeah. I suppose so.’

  ‘Seriously, Damien, you’re doing a lot of good here. You have to believe that. The animals need you, the people need you. Ethel told me about the two pups. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s shocking, but sadly all part of dealing with animals. It’s wonderful that you care so much to be so upset, but you need to keep it in perspective. You’re new to this, and unfortunately you’ve seen some tragedy early on, but you just have to remember that there are so many relying on you.’

  ‘I think that’s the problem.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘I’m scared of letting anyone down. And I will if the farm gets sold.’

  ‘I think you have to put that out of your mind until you have some facts to work with. It’s one thing to make contingency plans and be prepared, but worrying about things that might or might not happen will just do you in.’

  ‘I’m going to have to phone Mum, I guess,’ Damien said.

  ‘Well, as tough a conversation as it will be, it’ll probably help. You’ve certainly been through the wringer lately, haven’t you?’

  ‘It feels like it.’

  The horses walked over and stood in front of them on the other side of the fence, putting their noses close to Philip’s and Damien’s faces. Sam joined them and they leant on the rail, patting the horses and emu in silence. Damien was beginning to see the appeal of horses. He’d changed a lot recently and really wished he had Jacqueline to share these revelations with. Here he was thinking he was the one saving the animals, but he had the uneasy feeling that they were doing a lot more for him than he was for them.

  ‘Jacqueline’s amazing,’ he said, and was shocked to realise he’d spoken aloud.

  ‘Yes, she is.’

  ‘She was incredible at the CFS debrief last week. The guys really took to her. We need her here. The town needs her.’

  ‘Well, lots of people are working on resolving the situation.’

  ‘Yeah, no thanks to my bloody mother!’

  ‘It’s done now, Damien. We just have to deal with it. Remember, she’s going through something pretty big too. Everyone reacts to things in different ways. I’m sure she feels badly enough about it,’ he said kindly, and put a hand on Damien’s shoulder.
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  Damien nodded. Philip was right, of course. At that moment Damien’s phone started its alarm jingle.

  ‘Kitten-feeding time,’ he announced, giving Ben’s face a final rub and stepping back from the fence.

  Chapter Thirty

  Jacqueline was grateful for every one of her clients turning up on time in a steady stream that kept her busy listening to them, responding, writing notes in their files. A few new bookings even came in. She only took names and contact numbers until people turned up for the first time and filled out the form she’d devised, so she was never able to know where exactly they were from or if they were calling as a result of one of her talks. She hoped there would be a few calls coming soon after Charity Flat, but conceded it was unlikely; it was a very long way to drive. While she’d learnt that country people were comfortable driving long distances, she still doubted many would be inclined to drive so far for an appointment with her. It would probably prove to be a wasted evening in that respect, but at least it had been a good distraction from her own problems and her parents had certainly enjoyed it.

  Jacqueline sighed. That morning, she’d hugged her parents goodbye, plastered a smile on her face, and waved as they backed out of the driveway with a little farewell toot. She hadn’t wanted them to leave and had struggled to keep the sadness and tears hidden. She was meant to be an adult, for goodness sake! Once she’d pulled herself together, she’d gone inside, grabbed her handbag and keys, pulled the door shut behind her and got into her car. She’d driven the short distance to work not because she didn’t want the fresh air or exercise, but because that way she had gear shifting, road rules and looking out for other drivers to concentrate on to prevent her from falling apart and dissolving into tears. While her parents had been there she’d had them to distract her from the disaster that was currently her life. And there was nothing like being taken care of by Eileen Havelock. Now Jacqueline had to fend for herself again, physically and emotionally, the stupor she’d felt since she’d received the letter was creeping back.

  She checked her watch. Finally it was five o’clock and she was exhausted and looking forward to escaping back to her little cottage – her mother had left a chicken curry for dinner. It would feel strange going home to an empty house and while part of her wanted to be left alone, another part of her wanted Ethel to knock on the door and agree to stay and eat with her.

  She was surprised and a little disappointed to hear a knock on her office door just as she was gathering her handbag. She really hoped it wasn’t Louise or Cecile inviting her to the pub to cheer her up.

  ‘Come in,’ she called.

  The door opened and Doctor Squire bustled in. ‘Oh, I’m glad to catch you before you left, my dear.’

  ‘Hello. Busy day?’ she asked for something to say while he caught his breath.

  ‘Yes, but no more so than usual,’ he said, plopping down into a chair. She followed suit, and as she did, noticed he had a piece of paper in his hand. Could he have heard something from the board already? Her heart skipped a beat. No, it was too soon, she thought, feeling slightly deflated.

  ‘I had a phone call from the mayor of Charity Flat.’

  Uh-oh, am I in trouble again? ‘Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t … I just thought …’ She felt heat rising in her cheeks.

  ‘No, my dear, I’m not here to tell you off,’ he said, waving her words away with his hand. ‘I wanted to thank you for taking the initiative and giving up your time to travel so far. You were quite a hit, I hear. They’re keen to discuss having you travel up regularly to consult – say a day a month – and are looking into grant options to fund your travel. Oh, and I wanted to give you this,’ he said, handing over the piece of paper. ‘It’s a claim form for travel expenses. Popping over to nearby towns is one thing, but driving to Charity Flat and back out of your own pocket is unacceptable. It’s a business expense. Just fill it in and return it to the girls on the desk. They have the forms there when you need more. I just wanted to let you know personally so there could be no misunderstandings.’ He smiled at her. ‘Speaking of misunderstandings, how are you coping with the waiting to hear from the board? I understand your parents left this morning, I hope you’re not feeling too badly about that.’

  ‘Thanks, but I’m okay.’

  ‘You can be honest, you know,’ he said.

  ‘Well, it was wonderful having Mum and Dad here and I’ll miss them, but I’m a big girl. And the cottage was starting to feel a little crowded,’ she added, trying to lighten the atmosphere. She was afraid she might actually cry if things kept on the way they were.

  ‘And the career situation, how are you coping with the wait?’

  ‘Well, it’s hard, I won’t deny that, but I’m trying to keep busy and not think about it. If I do, it feels like it’s taking forever and that the wait is slowly killing me,’ she said with a tight smile.

  ‘I feel the same. But, you’re right, keeping busy is the best thing we can do. We’ve done what we can, we now just have to wait it out. Unfortunately, these organisations tend to move at a snail’s pace. Fingers crossed it won’t be too long until we hear. Well, I’d better get back to it – a few patients still to see at the hospital. I just wanted to check on you and thank you for all your efforts to keep drumming up business, despite the difficult circumstances you find yourself in. I’m sorry I’m such an absent boss, but please know you are appreciated.’

  ‘Thank you, it really does mean a lot,’ she said, her throat tightening.

  After he’d gone, Jacqueline sat looking at her handbag, feeling both buoyed and a little stunned. How lovely of him to take the time to drop in, given how busy he was. It really was nice to feel appreciated and that they were in this career palaver together. Perhaps it really would work out okay.

  As she pulled out of the car park she toyed with putting her foot down and driving out to see Damien – she was desperate to share Doctor Squire’s visit with him. Her stronger urge was to see if he was all right, make sure he hadn’t withdrawn to the point where he was sitting out there being miserable. But instead she sighed and put her indicator on and took the left turn to head home. Ethel was keeping an eye on Damien. She had to respect his desire that they not see each other until her career was sorted out, even if she thought he was being overcautious. It stung a little that he seemed to care more about the town keeping their newly acquired psychology service than his own happiness. Or her happiness. But she couldn’t help loving his loyalty and dedication, and his willpower. And it was a wonderful compliment to her skills that he believed in her. Maybe one day they would be lying in bed, entwined, and laughing about this time. She could only hope. Meanwhile she had to keep her head down, trust in Doctor Squire, and hope for the best.

  And if it all went wrong, she thought as she turned her key in her front door, might Damien whisk her away to make a life together somewhere else? Don’t be bloody stupid. This is where he belongs, he’s a part of this place. He needs land to chase his dream. But what would happen if he lost his farm? She couldn’t imagine staying here if she lost her qualifications and became the talk of the region for all the wrong reasons. God, how humiliating. But she had to stop thinking about what she couldn’t control. Wasn’t that what she told almost every patient who walked through her door? God, she was so much better at seeing the problems and solutions of people other than herself.

  She really hoped that if it came to the crunch, Damien would put it all aside and seek help anyway. Suicide had never been mentioned by either of them, but Jacqueline knew enough now to suspect that he must have been pretty close to that point to have sought help from Doctor Squire and then get up the courage to see her the following week. All she hoped was he’d learnt enough in their sessions to stay well away from those destructive thoughts and be equipped to bat them away if they did creep in. But he had Ethel. And his CFS buddies. She hoped he wouldn’t withdraw from them too.

  He had her parents, too, she thought, brightening. She just had to believe he knew
they would drop everything and drive the six hundred or so kilometres back if he picked up the phone and asked them to. But Damien was loyal to the core. She knew he’d worry how his friendship with them might make his insecure mother feel. It made Jacqueline furious – and actually queasy – to think how his loyalty and devotion to his mother had been repaid; not only with recent events, but basically his whole life. Jacqueline realised she was pacing back and forth across her bedroom, and stopped, focussing on getting changed into track pants and a T-shirt.

  She ate dinner on her lap in front of the news. After trying and failing to settle into two shows and surfing the channels in the hope of something grabbing her attention, she gave up and turned it off. She thought she’d enjoy having her own space again, but instead she was missing the company and distraction of her parents. Her thoughts were again plaguing her and she’d never sleep in this state. Maybe a long, hot shower and half of an over-the-counter antihistamine sleeping tablet would help.

  As she soaped herself, Jacqueline’s frustration at her situation returned, namely feeling so damned helpless, since her fate rested in the hands of others. She wasn’t one for sitting around waiting for things to happen. Well, she didn’t want to be one of those people, but she was beginning to see she was a lot less independent and resourceful than she’d hoped. Was that one of the reasons she’d fallen for Damien? Farmers were so capable. Didn’t the whole world know they could fix anything with the twine from hay bales and a roll of wire? Or was it gaffer tape? She knew the belief was tongue in cheek, but she’d been very impressed with how Damien nutted things out. And clearly his father before him had been the same. And that day moving the sheep during the fire – he’d been so calm, so capable. That’s what you needed in a life partner: someone calm, capable, dependable. Pity she’d stuffed it all up, she thought, rubbing shampoo through her hair, shocked as tears sprang into her eyes.