by Katz, Danny
‘Oh yeah,’ he says, remembering Jarrell and stopping ooooo-ooooo-ooooo-ing with his neck.
‘Just do your own work, okay, Jack? I’m trying to listen to the teacher,’ which is not true, I don’t want to listen to Bennett/Brady/Brown, but I’ll do anything to make Jack S shut up and leave me alone today.
sooooooo Newtonnnnnn’s Third Law … tellllllls us the second balllllll is also reacting tooooooo … the first ballllllll with the same force of … Newtonnnnnnnn’s
Someone does a massive loud yawn that goes: YAWWWWWWWNNNN
Brincat probs, he’s always doing crazy crap like that. Everyone’s laughing but Boring Brady/Brown/ Bennett keeps going like he doesn’t even notice.
then that balllllllll is pushing back onnnnnnn … the first ballllllll because for everyyyyyy action there
I think part of his brain must be damaged, the part that makes you a normal human.
is an equal and opposite reeeeeeeeeaction
When you think about it, this Newton theory about equal and opposite reactions is true actually. With everything the teacher is saying, there is an equal and opposite feeling of painfulness listening to him.
Back to making up my own physics formulas.
This will be an important new formula and I will call it …
Zurbo’s First Law of Snore-Physics
If you’ve got a loser-lamer of a dad who used to be a really good muso and wrote really good songs and stuff but now lies around all day in his undies because he’s bored (b squared) and he can’t get himself a job, and if his lazy-arse quotient (LZQ) is greater than his own self-respect (Sr), and you multiply this by his mucus-snottage levels (m+s), there will be a massive increase in the Snore Volume (SNRRRRRRR squared).
soooooooo imagine a third balllllll … is pushing back on the second ballllllll … by an equalllll
But in all the history of great physics formulas, I don’t think there’s ever going to be a more important formula in the universe than the one I’m going to make up right now, and I think it should look something like …
It is called …
Zurbo’s Scientific Rule of Vommy-Wommy Love
Let me go through it real slow because it is very complicated and smart: if there is a relationship (R) that you know of between a boy (b) and a girl (g) and they’re always like holding hands in a cutesy vommy-wommy way and like making a big show about how much they love (L) each other by giggling together and using sickening words like ‘adorable’ (A) or whatevs (W), then that means they’re trying to prove to everyone that they’re actually quite in love (Q) but the probability is they’re in non-love (nL), so as clearly demonstrated in Fig. 1 above, the Xtreme vommy-womminess of a relationship is inversely proportional to the length of the relationship (Lr), thus they do not have long at all and they will probably not be going round with each other for very much—
‘PIG!!!!!!!!’
Someone yells that so we all turn to look at the side of the class where the yell came from. Mandy Karaniki is pointing out the window at the little grassy lane outside the Science block where the school ends and the fence is.
‘THE PIG’S OUT THERE!’
Everyone’s getting up out of their chairs, going ‘Where? Whaaaa?’ and Boring Brady/Bennett/Brown is going, ‘Please … sit dowwwwwwnnnn …’
‘But a pig’s out there!’
People are pushing out their chairs, skreeeek skreeeek, so they can get to Mandy’s window to see. I just sit there and Jack S sits next to me, waiting to see what I’ll do because he has no brain to make decisions for himself.
Cody Carruthers is the first to Mandy’s window and he pushes her away so he can look out. ‘Where?’
‘There,’ says Mandy Karaniki.
Richard Brincat pushes Mandy more out of the way, ‘Lemme see it.’
‘$#%@!’ says Cody Carruthers. He shouldn’t be doing crude-languaging in class, but as if Boring Brady/ Brown/Bennett is going to do anything about it.
Dougy Mansour tries to stick his head in front of Cody, ‘Reckon it’s the same pig as this morning?’
‘No, ya dumb $#%@,’ goes Cody, ‘there are HUNDREDS of pigs in nappies all over the school.’ He pushes Dougy’s head out of the way so he can keep looking.
‘Back to yourrrrr … seats pleaaaaaaase … we are innnnnnnn the middle of …’
The teacher is talking in such a yawwwwny way he even bores himself, loses interest halfway through his sentence and just stands there watching everyone looking out of Mandy’s window.
Girls are going ‘Awwwwww!’ and ‘Cuuuute’ and ‘It’s just a baby.’
Boys are going ‘Haw haw’ and ‘Who’s hungry for bacon?’ and ‘I saw it this morning and it did a crap.’
Jack S is looking at me: ‘Should I go look at the pig?’
‘Do what you like, Jack, I’m not your boss, jeeeeez.’
‘Thanks, Zurb.’ He skreeeks his chair, gets up and goes over to the pack at Mandy’s window, hanging over them to look out.
‘Hey Mandy, your sister’s looking for ya.’ (Brincat)
‘Funny AS, Richard.’ (Mandy)
‘Haw haw.’
‘It’s running away.’
‘Don’t go, piggy!’
‘It’s running off to find Mandy, haw haw.’
‘It’s gone.’
‘Where’d it go?’
‘Think it went under the fence.’
‘Piggy’s gone.’
Everyone starts going back to their seats because the pig is gone.
‘Thannnnnnk you … back to yourrrrrr seats … let us get backkkkkkk to worrrrrrk…’
Skreek-skreeking as chairs pull out again, people sit down, haw hawwwwing.
‘It was in a nappy.’
‘So random.’
Jack S sits down next to me, ‘Can’t believe it was a real pig.’
‘It’s just a pig, Jack, no big deal.’
‘No PIG deal!’ He laughs but I don’t so he goes quiet.
soooooooo as weeeee have been discussssssing … if you have aaaaaa pair of forces acting … onnnnnnn two interacting objects
I feel bad for the baby pig, poor little thing, just freaking out, running round, doesn’t know where to go, stuck at school …
the size of the forces onnnnnnn the firrrrrrrrrst object … equals the size of the force onnnnnnn the seccccccccond
… stuck here, hating the place, hating the day, just wanting to go home. Just like me, both of us just trying to survive a day.
Just wants a bit of happiness. Like the main guy in my rock opera HumanKind that I have been working on.
sooooooo consider aaaaaa … bird flying with its wingsssssss … the wings of the bird pushhhhhh … air downwards
I’ve got the first verse of the opening song for the rock opera but I’m struggling a bit with the next part. I think the bunch of singers is going to step back and the main guy will walk onstage. He is the star of the show. He’ll wear like a suit and tie, like he works somewhere in a city somewhere, and he just faces the audience with a sad look on his face. It is a very sad rock opera, did I tell you that? The singers point at him and sing more …
I called my main guy Peter O’Devlin because at school we have the Peter O’Devlin Lecture Theatre where they have lectures and school meetings. I don’t know who Peter O’Devlin actually was, he may’ve been a massive douche, but it sounds like a name that a normal person would have, like just a guy who would work in the city.
soooooo the direction of the force on the airrrrrrr on the birrrrrd … which issssss downward … isssssssss … opposite the direction of the force
So this Peter O’Devlin guy now stands in front of the intense singers and starts to sing …
I know I can do better than the egg/ham line, ‘man’ and ‘ham’ don’t even really rhyme properly. It’s actually pretty crap songwriting, and I’m a profesh so I should be able to do better than that.
Life is a good rhyming word, can get lots of rhymes for life like k
nife, strife – life and strife are good. Or …
Wife, yeah yeah something about a wife.
Lawwwwwd, how’d I do that?????? Sometimes it’s like magic with me, like I don’t have control over it, the words just come out of some magic place, told you I was a freak. Now I leap into that killer F-sharp chord-jump again …
You know, if the audience isn’t sobbing their faces off already, then the world doesn’t know what rock opera writing is. Cos this is a huuuuuuge sad rock opera opening-song about how everyone needs love in—
‘Getting any of this bird biz, Zurb …?’
The hell! Can’t he see I’m in the middle of composing? If flarping Thom flarping Yorke was sitting and writing ‘Paranoid Android’ and Jack S kept knocking him with his elbow and bugging him in the middle of it, he may never have finished the OK Computer album and changed the world of music for FLARPING ever.
‘… cos I’m not getting any of it.’
‘SHUT IT, JACK, I’M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE BUT YOU JUST KEEP AT ME!!!!!’
Bit harsh but he wouldn’t stop, what am I supposed to do? Awww, look at him, all shocked. Sort of leaning back in his chair, scrunched up like a scared dog.
the forrrrce onnnnnn the bird … which isssssss … upppppward
‘Why you being so mean to me, Zurb?’
‘I’m not being mean to you.’
‘I just don’t know what I’ve done to you.’
‘Cos it’s a classroom and we are in class and I am trying to listen to the teacher and you keep pissing round!’
and the forrrrrrce on the birrrrrd now isssssss … downwarrrrrrd
‘But it’s not just here. You’re kind of ignoring me all the time, just noticed it over the last little while, like I’ve done something bad to you.’
‘No I’m not ignoring you, what’re you on about?’
‘We used to be good buds but now it’s like you’re angry at me all the time. Is it cos I’m with Jarrell?’
??????
Not even going to answer that.
‘That’s what Jarrell reckons. She reckons you’ve changed since we started going together because you don’t like us going together.’
‘Why would I care? It’s good that you’re together.’
‘Because if you do care, Tom, I’ll break up with her, I’d do it to keep our friendship. That’s the most important thing to me.’
‘I want you two to be together. I’m happy about it.’
‘Y’sure, bro? Cos I want you to be okay with it.’
‘Yeah I am. Of course. Just, y’know, not sure whether – like – she’s – good enough for you, Jack, that’s all.’
‘Of course she’s good enough for me, she’s TOO good for me. I’m not good enough for her. I feel lucky every day that I got her and I want to be smarter for her and try harder in school for her.’
Vommmm. I’m smiling and nodding while he tells me this but I know the fact: poor dickweed thinks it’s real but it’s just fake what’s going on between them. He thinks they’re going to be together forever and live in a house and have babies, whatevs, but I know the facts: she’s just using him to hurt me because it’s me she really wants to get with, true dat. She’s always been into me, I knew it from the day we met, how she looks at me, how she shows off in front of me, how she asked me to the bush dance and everything. If I was a REAL good mate I would tell him that she’s a massive faker who’s just using him to get to me but I won’t tell him that because it’ll rip his guts out. I won’t say it, I’m a good mate, I won’t say it.
‘Look, Jack … don’t want to interfere … but there’s something you should know about Jarrell …’
(Don’t say it, Zurb, shut it.)
‘… I just think Jarrell’s not being honest with you … and she’s kind of using you a bit …’
(Stop now, Zurb. Get out NOW!)
‘… and you can do better than her, find someone who actually wants to be with you and isn’t just pretending to like you because … well … she doesn’t.’
Jack S is confused. ‘What d’ya mean? Jarrell likes me lots, she told me and I believe her. And I like her: she’s the most smart and amazing and beautiful girl ever and all the guys want to get with her even though they won’t admit it. You’re probably just jealous and you want to get with her and that’s why you’re saying all this, right Zurb?’
‘What? Jeez! No wayyyyy. No. What????’
‘Yeah you probably think I’m too dumb to have such a smart hot chick and you want to break us up so you can get with her! Well I’m sick of your negative comments about us! Leave us alone! Stop worrying about us and worry about your own life for a—’
‘Look LOOK!’ Mandy Karaniki’s pointing out her window again.
‘Is the pig back?’ says Lynn Lin with two names the same.
All the chair-skreeking starts again and everyone goes back to look out Mandy’s window.
‘!$%#@!’ says Cody Carruthers who is the first one there again.
‘!$%#@!’ says Angie Maningas who doesn’t normally swear, so it must be something amazing.
pleaaaaase … back toooooo … your
Jack S is staring at his desk and I feel bad for what I said, so I try to be friends: ‘Jack, you coming to have a look? C’mon, let’s see what it is,’ but he doesn’t look up so I go without him. If he wants to pike off and sook like a little la-la, it doesn’t bother me none.
seats … pleeeeeeeease
Down the side of the block in the grassy bit near the school fence, there’s a gorilla.
No jokes.
A gorilla in a skirt, staring at us through the window.
‘Haw haw it’s in a netball skirt.’
‘Look, there’s more of them!’
Four more gorillas come up the side and stop to look at us all through the window; they are black and wear netball skirts and one wears sunglasses. They are carrying plastic shopping bags that are heavy with something.
‘Hello gorillas!’ Angie Maningas waves at them and the gorillas wave back.
The gorillas are doing funny gorilla stuff, like one is banging on its chest with its hands, and the one with the sunglasses is picking bugs off the head of another gorilla and eating them. Flarping hilarious.
‘They look really real,’ says Dougy Mansour, trying to get his head in for a look.
‘Yeah, real gorillas in skirts,’ goes Cody, getting him out of the way.
The first one starts dancing around all bent over, scratching its ball-zone and going AHHH AHHH AHH, so loud you can hear it through the glass window. It actually looks like my dad when he lies round on the couch in his undies.
‘He’s itchin’ his nuts!’
(Just like my dad.)
‘Sickkkkkkkk!’
Dougy Mansour starts yelling ‘DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!’ and everyone starts joining in and clapping, ‘DANCE, DANCE, DANCE’, even me. All the gorillas start dancing to the beat of the yells and claps, all bent over, holding their shopping bags and scratching their scrote-zones.
‘DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!’
excuuuuuse meeeee, class
The first gorilla is getting something out of its shopping bag …
could you … pleeeeease
… something small in its hand, then the gorilla steps back.
SHHHHPLATTTTTTTT
The girls go AHHHHHH and some of the boys do too because we thought it was going to hit us in the face but it just hits glass, then runs down the glass all vommy and yellow.
‘Egg raid!’ says Lynn Lin with two names the same.
Everyone goes ‘AHHHHH!’
We are safe behind the glass window as all the gorillas get eggs out of their shopping bags and throw them at the window, SHHHHPLATT SHHHHP-LATT. Funny how every time an egg hits we all jump back in fear even though we know glass is protecting us. They must have about a million eggs in their bags and they keep throwing one after the other after the other.
SCHPLATTTT
SCHPLATTTT
&
nbsp; SCHPLATTTTTTTTT
The window is all yolky ’n’ yellow, it’s hard to see through it. And Boring Brown/Brady/Brown/Bennett/ Brown has given up trying to get everyone to go back to their seats and just starts doing his teaching again to no one.
orrrrrrr you could alsooooo consider … the motion of aaaaaaaaa car … onnnnnnn the road
SCHPLATTTT
soooooo as the wheels spinnnnnnn
SCHPLATTTT
SCHPLATTTT
SCHPLATTTT
SCHPLATTTT SCHPLATTTT
they grip the road annnnnnd
SCHPLATTTT
SCHPLATTTT
pushhhhhh the road backwarddddds
SCHPLATTTT SCHPLATTTT
SCHPLATTTT
SCHPLATTT
SCHPLATTTTSCHPLATTTT
action-reaction force pairrrrrrs … make it possible forrrrrr
BRNNNNNNNNGGGG, the bell goes and the gorillas get scared and run off. I can see them through a little corner of the window that isn’t yolked-up, running with their shopping bags and chucking eggs at other windows as they go past.
The PA makes a crackle and it’s Assistant Principal Bitchface Fruehling again. Her voice sounds stressed-out: ‘Staff and students, you may be aware, there has been another incident on the schoolgrounds involving damage to school property. Several classrooms in Blocks A and B have been defaced. Classes will continue as timetabled for Years 10, 11 and 12, however, students in Years 7, 8 and 9 with fourth period classes in A or B Block please go direct to the library and wait quietly until a teacher advises you where to go. Thank you for your patience while we deal with these developments.’
Everyone’s all excited cos we get to go to the library and we’ll miss a bit of fourth period. Nobody even notices Boring Brown/Bennett/Brady/Brown as we go out of class. If it was Valderamma we’d be hanging out round her, taking it slow, trying to breathe in some of her Pez-shampoo-smell before we leave. But this guy is an inviso teacher. If he didn’t stand back against the wall we would probs step on him.
Jack S is behind me as I go out the door into the corridor. He must be really mad because when I stop and wait for him, he keeps walking right past me and now I have to catch up to him.
