by Katz, Danny
‘Hey Jack,’ I go, ‘you should’ve seen those gorillas, it was classic’ but he doesn’t look at me or nod so I try harder. ‘Y’know, Jack, I kind of get this Newton law stuff now. Like when the gorillas chucked the eggs at the window, that was a force, and when the egg hit the glass, the glass is the other force, pretty cool, hey? Hahaha.’
But I don’t think he’s hearing.
‘And the equal and opposite reaction is the glass smashing the egg. Equal and opposite forces, get it now, Jack? I should teach physics, hey Jack? I’d be better than Brown/Brady/Bennett, hey Jack?’
But he takes off and I can’t keep up with him so I’m behind him all the way to the library.
11:50 a.m.
Fourth period: Library
Somebody chundered on China. Nobody knows who did it, it happened years ago before I was even at this school, but the chund is famous and everyone knows about it. There’s an orange stain where they tried to clean it off and it smeared a bit. It doesn’t smell but we all know it’s there which is why nobody wants to go near it but Mrs Gaffnee’s telling us that’s where we have to go right now.
‘Year 9s to the Map of the World Rug, hurry up.’
‘Mizzzzz, nooooo,’ goes Richard Brincat, ‘it’s got vom there, mizzzzzz,’ but Mrs Gaffnee is not interested in his mizzzzzing: ‘This is a trying day for everyone, Richard, go to the rug and sit quietly, no arguments!’
We all go into the library past the front counter, then turn left towards the Fiction L to Z aisle at the side of the library where the Map of the World Rug is. Jack S is about four people in front of me. Richard Brincat is right in front of me, following Mandy Karaniki. ‘You can sit on China, Mandy, haw haw.’
‘You are so moronic, Richard.’
Crazy-hot inside the library because so many classes are packed in. Kind of stinks like somebody dropped one. The Year 8s are in the reference section. Girls are on the floor in a circle talking about the Gorillas in Netball Skirts.
It was definitely Ash’s brother / Which one? / The one with the sunglasses
Year 8 boys are at the spinning magazine rack looking at a famous surf mag that every boy at school has looked at because of the pics of a super-spicy chick in a blue bikini windsurfing.
What’s her name? / Who cares what her name is / Just wanted to know
The Year 7s are up the back in the reading nook. Lucky little gimples are all chilled on the floor cushions and diving on the yellow beanbags, making crunch-crunching noises when they land.
Here we are at the side of the library where the Fiction L to Z aisle is. And here is the Map of the World Rug. It is massive and takes up the whole floor. It’s really detailed with all the countries in different colours. And right in the middle of the rug you can see China with that chunder stain, a sick orange colour.
Heaps of Year 9s are already sitting on the rug and all the good countries are taken. Way down the far end of the Map of the World Rug, someone’s waving. It’s Jarrell and she’s got the whole of New Zealand to herself; she’s making come-here signs but it’s not to me, it’s to Jack S in front of me. When he sees her he guns it across the rug, stepping over all the countries and oceans until he gets to New Zealand with Jarrell, and they sit together and hold hands. Bet they’re going to talk about me, bet he’s going to tell her what I said, bet they’re going to say bad stuff about me.
I’ve got to find a country to go to. I could stay here in Canada but gap-toothed joker-man Angus Smits is already here, with Dougy Mansour. Angus Smits points at my T-shirt and says ‘Found yourself a BOY yet, Zurbo?’ And Dougy Mansour covers his clackerhole and goes ‘Backs to the wall, lads’ which is the same joke he made in I.T. Jeeeeez, joke’s old, Mansour.
Got to get away from Canada so I go down into America but there is no room: it’s pretty much solid Jacks – Jack W, Jack G, and Jack P. They are talking about something that happened to Mrs Duckworth the history teacher.
Hear Duckworth’s car got egged? / Yeah she went completely batshit and started chasing the guy
Most of the soccerdicks have taken over South America and they’re kind of fake-fighting each other so I don’t want to go near them.
Crossing the ocean over to Europe but Bronte Panckhurst and the Acty Drama Chicks have taken over, looking all posey with their thick hipster-glasses.
Mandy Karaniki and Lynn Lin (with two names the same) are up in the Arctic at the top of the rug: it’s comfy up there cos they have a wall to lean against, but there’s no room for me. Brisley Weng and the HAGZ are stretched all over Africa, owning the continent, so I go over there.
‘Can I squeeze in?’
Brisley looks up at me and smiles like she’s not sure who I am; then she turns back and talks with Krissy Klang, Mae Nguy, Angie Maningas, Dante Cho and Ji-Hyun (Jack). I am too unworthy to stand close to them or talk to them and they all just keep circle-talking like I am not even standing there.
Don’t be silly, Bris, the cupcakes were ummmy / I thought they were a bit dry / No, they were super moist and UMMMY
Ji-Hyun (Jack) is the only boy on earth who would say UMMMY.
Next time I’ll bring mini-pizzas / Yayyyyy
Brisley’s parents do catering for weddings and stuff so she always has leftovers to bring to school and she used to bring them for us but I guess she is going to be giving them to the HAGZ now. No more cupcakes or mini-pizzas for SCUM. I loved those mini-pizzas most of all.
I walk off into the ocean. Pretty poor how Bris wouldn’t talk to me Actually might go back to my original. just then. After I’ve been so bloody nice to her, letting her join SCUM when she came to this school and was new and had no friends. All those recesses and lunches where we hung with her and now she’s like a big up-herself blondie anime-HAG who won’t even look at me. Makes me feel like an unworthy nobody little loser-lamer.
Arghhhh, the world is full up, I don’t have a country. India is packed. So is the Middle East. Australia’s filled with footydicks: Jake Mladek and Wiggy and Cody Carruthers and JD Joseph taking up the whole space.
New Zealand is taken of course, don’t want to go anywhere near there, not even for a rully quick luttle trup, which is how they talk in New Zealand.
Even the oceans are full: there’s Charlie Chehab and Theo Chalkis sitting in the middle of the Pacific and Boniqa Newitt in the Atlantic, floating round by herself.
‘Hey Boniqa, can I sit here?’
She doesn’t even answer, just stretches out so I can’t fit near her. She must be pissed about the Yard Duty biz when I made her take my bin-liner.
Could go north to Russia but Hannah ’n’ Steph ’n’ some other girls I don’t know very well are there.
Don’t use the bubblers / I know, they stuck tampons in them / Yeah I got sprayed
Nobody wants me. Just China is free. It’s big and empty. I am not going to China. I am NOT going to—
‘ATTENTION PLEASE, STUDENTS!!’
That is Mr Greg Moss yelling at us from down the end of the L to Z aisle. He is my English teacher and he is also an ex-footy-star with the Doggies, so everyone looks over and goes quiet because he is massively respected.
‘SIT DOWN AND LISTEN, PLEASE.’
The Canada boys sit down and the soccerdicks in South America stop fake-fighting and sit down, and now I am the only one standing in the whole world.
‘SIT DOWN, TOM ZURBO-GOLDBLATT!’
There is no choice: I have to sit in China, but I sit away from the chunder, right on the edge of China where the sea is. More in the sea than in China really. One of my arse-cheeks is on Japan.
Someone in Australia laughs: ‘Zurb’s on the chund!’ and Mr Greg Moss goes ‘HUSH IT!’
Mr Greg Moss looks serious and dog-tired: ‘YEAR 9 STAFF ARE GOING TO HAVE TO ATTEND TO SEVERAL URGENT MATTERS AROUND THE SCHOOLGROUNDS SO FOR THE REST OF FOURTH PERIOD, I WANT ALL OF YOU TO READ OR STUDY QUIETLY.’
There’s a hummmmm of happiness because there will be no fourth period.
�
�QUIETLY!’
The hummmmm of happiness stops.
Mr Greg Moss goes off to do whatever urgent matters he has to attend to and as soon as he’s gone everyone whisper-talks about what the urgent matters are that staff need to attend to. Hannah and Steph over in Russia are saying
They were throwing eggs all over C Block / Crazy stuff / Not just at the windows, inside, everywhere
The footydicks in Australia are saying
They have to get the bins off the footy posts / How’d they get them up there? / Reckon they climbed up on a ladder
Not much to do here by myself so I sit and do nothing.
What if they hired a crane to do it? / Haw haw, you are soooo moronic, Lachy
Don’t mind being in the library. The only problem with the library is whenever I walk into it I immediately need to pee. I’ve got a library pee-urge now. Must be an actual scientific thing about pee and libraries.
I like books. One day I might write a book myself, I’m a bit of a freak at writing, true dat. In twenty years there might be a book that I wrote and it would be in this aisle … Fiction L to Z. Way down the Z end … near where Jack S and Jarrell are.
Can see them squeezed up together on New Zealand, they look so arsey together. Wonder what Jack S is telling her. Why’d I say all that in Science? Jack S is my mate. Why can’t I learn to keep my mouth shut? Should’ve shut it.
Tom Zurbo-Goldblatt’s a good name for a writer. One day I want to write a horror book about a husband and wife who adopt a poor kid and bring the kid back to live with them in their mansion and the kid thinks his life is going to be really good with his rich mum and dad but he doesn’t know that the husband and wife are actually sickos – they already have a kid but their kid is sick, so they have adopted the new kid so they can use its body parts to transplant into their own sick kid. That’s a bloody good horror story. That would freak anyone out. It could also be turned into a MA 15+ movie too. I could direct it.
The sicko couple could be called … maybe like Jack and … Janice or something.
Library pee-urge is building, try not to think about it, Zurb. Try to think of something else: I will make up a story right now using my imagination and my super-talent. I am sitting in the Sea of China so I will make up a story about the pirates of the olde days. It could be about a sailor man from long-ago times and he’s on a ship in the sea and just sailing around. Here’s what a freak I am at writing, have a look at this …
CHAPTER ONEThe sky is dark as dark can be. A storm’s a’coming and it’s rainy over the ship.
That’s how you start a book. Everybody would keep reading a book with a killer first sentence like that.
The Sea of China is going crazy, the olde ship is being tossed up ’n’ down like a dead puffer fish that had been pecked by seagulls floating round.
Proud of that, amazing image.
I’m lying in my ship’s bed, trying to fall asleep, trying not to think about the boat going up ’n’ down, back ’n’ forth because it can make a man spew up his ship food.Everythin’ he ate for a month.
Beside me my crew are all asleep. Ravo the Raven snoring over by the ship window. Angus the Jokerman farting in his sleep. It stinks in here of sweat and wine and farts, but this is the life of a pirate, this is how we must live on the seas.
You can see all this happening in your mind, right? Like a movie in your head. My secret is to start every sentence with an interesting word, not just ‘The’ or ‘Then’, but with better words like ‘Suddenly’. That’s an exciting word to start a sentence on, I’ll show you …
Suddenly I hear a noise. It’s a’coming from the ship’s deck above me.
It feels real sudden when you use ‘suddenly’. You want to keep reading to find out the next bit that happens. Also very happy with ‘a’coming’. It’s olde talk and sounds like a real story from the olde days. Will do it more.
I get out of bed, and take a peek through the ship door out onto the deck. In the stormy night I can see … One-Eyed Jack, the First Mate. He’s a’crossing the deck to the back of the ship. Toward the stairs that go down to the prisoners’ sleeping place.
Probably need to do some research. Does the ‘prisoner sleeping place’ have a proper name? ‘Prisoners’ bedrooms’? Anyways, you know what I mean.
Something peculiar’s going on and I need to know what it is, for I am Captain Tom the Black Serpent, master of the Sea of China and all the seas that lie beyond. Slowly I follow One-Eyed Jack down the ship stairs, each step creaking one by one. Darkness surrounds me and my heart beats a’faster. A tingle of anxiety goes down my spine.
‘Tingle of anxiety’, lawwwd, I am a freak. What’s going to happen now, hey? You wanna know, right?
Inside the prisoner sleeping area it is murky and dusty and I see a cockroach or something scuttle past. The cells all have sleeping prisoners in them. They are all the pirates I have captured in my pirate battles across all the seas of the world, from the Sea of Canada across to the Sea of Germany. Why would One-Eyed Jack be down here? What is that damn bloody bastard up to?
That’s olde swearing, it was very, very bad to say those words back in those days. Now I can say them all I like and not get into trouble: damn damn damn damn bloody bastard. It’s fun to olde-swear.
Unexpectedly, One-Eyed Jack sneaks up to a cell.
See? You don’t just have to use ‘suddenly’, you can also use ‘unexpectedly’ which is just as suddenish.
It is the cell of my only female prisoner – Pirate Jennie – who I captured during a battle off the Sea of New Zealand. She is very dangerous and up-herself, with a face that is – mysterious – and – interesting – in an annoying way.
Actually you can use lots of other exciting words to start sentences. Look at this one …
Without notice, I notice something in One-Eyed Jack’s hand, something that makes a jangly noise. Has he stolen the prison cell keys? Do my eyes a’speaketh the truth?
Indeed! He has stolen the keys and is now using them to unlock Pirate Jennie’s cell! Holy Mother of Jesus! Without warning, he opens the cell door with a squeak, then looks at her sleeping body and chuckles in an a’horny way.
Just warning you: this is going to get a bit sexual.
The look on his sicko face tells me all I need to know. He’s going to molest Pirate Jennie, I’m sure of it. He’s going to touch her bosoms while she sleeps, the damn bloody molester.
You can write about sexual stuff in books and no-body calls you a perv, they all go ‘oooo he’s a genius’.
Suddenly I shout ‘Leave her alone!’
I recommend ‘suddenly’ very much, it works the best.
He turns around and for a second I can see his ugly one-eyed face, but suddenly lightning flashes through the ship window. Ahhhh I am blinded and when I can see again, One-Eyed Jack has disappeared! I take a step forward to see where he went and feel a horrible hand grab my arm.
Kind of really need to go pee, got the library pee-urge bad. Better hurry this along.
One-Eyed Jack is behind me! I turn round to stare him in the face! His one eye stares at me, the other just an empty socket with bits of goo and dirt in it. ‘Captain Tom, you made a terrible mistake following me down here,’ he suddenly says with his stinking breath.
One-Eyed Jack is a disgusting demento and I want the readers to hate him and be disgusted by him.
Suddenly and without warning, my hand is upon my sword, ready to pull it out and stab him through his good eye if he makes one wrong move.
Somehow Captain Tom seems to have his sword with him even though he was sleeping. I don’t think pirates sleep with a sword. Can’t be buggered with details, need to pee.
‘You will not molest Pirate Jennie the Kiwi,’ I say suddenly. ‘She may be dangerous and ugly, but I will not allow you to a’harm her.’ One-Eyed Jack winks at me with his empty oozing socket, then smiles with his teeth all yellow like lolly bananas.
That is called a simile, when you say something is l
ike something. Not sure if there were lolly bananas in pirate days. Rushing now, need to pee. Maybe I should go ask Mrs Gaffnee if I can go to the toilet. But it’s 12:22 p.m., bell’s going to go really soon, if I can just wait …
Holy Moses and Mother Mary, his hand suddenly grabs my neck, lifting me in the air and holding me. I cannot breathe, cannot speak, but with astonishing strength, I manage to pull out my sword!
C’mon bell, c’mon …
I am about to stab it into his guts when unexpectedly a woman’s voice speaks. ‘Stop fighting, both of you!’
This is called a twist, nobody knew THAT was going to happen.
One-Eyed Jack lets go of my neck and we both turn to see Pirate Jennie! A tingle of anxiety goes down my spine as she flicks her greasy hair and looks into my eyes and says—
‘Hello … students, this is … Assistant Principal Fruehling …’
A voice is coming out of the library PA.
‘Just a reminder that bell is about to go … for … for lunch … so …’
Actually it doesn’t sound like Fruehling’s voice, sounds kind of like someone pretending to do her voice.
‘… and don’t forget that Student Council … has a sausage sizzle fundraiser to raise money … for the Bangladeshi Orphanage Appeal …’
Things going on in the background, something thumps.
Lynn Lin says to Mandy Karaniki, ‘That’s not Fruehling’ and Mandy Karaniki says ‘You think?’
‘… it will be set up … outside A Block … one dollar fifty for a sausage in bread …’
Crackling noises, and a door-slam, then another thump, the PA goes off and the bell goes BRRNNNNNNG.
Everyone’s getting up to leave so I get up with them. People are talking about the PA announcement.
