All About Us

by Ashley Erin

  Twenty minutes later Dane and I are mounting our horses and he is leading the way onto some new trails they have cut through the forest. He talks about the work they have done around the land, including increasing the training program Dane and Ryan started. It’s fascinating how quickly they have expanded their breeding program to include a starting program for the foals bred here.

  We’ve been riding for a few hours, Dane updating me on the changes to the ranch trails, spending a significant amount of time helping me reacquaint myself with navigating them. When exploring this much land, it’s crucial to understand how to find your way back.

  It’s been relaxing and I enjoy feeling Serenity’s ease as she moved beneath me, while watching how expertly Dane led us through the bush trails filling the property. After Dane finishes explaining the logistics of finding my way about the ranch, a comfortable silence falls between us and I relax significantly into the quiet.

  I’m looking around me when I catch Dane’s eyes as he looks back at me. Something in his expression shifts the atmosphere and it feels as though every nerve in my body is on high alert. “How does it feel being back here?” Dane breaks the silence causing me to jump. He chuckles as he returns his gaze to the trail ahead.

  Serenity snorts at me as I reply, “It feels amazing actually. I said to Ryan last night that it’s where I feel connected to them the most. I haven’t felt this at peace in a while.” Fading off I hope he doesn’t inquire and breathe a sigh of relief as he remains silent for a beat.

  “I can’t even imagine what you have gone through this past year Em. I know we’re all happy to have you back.” He pauses, “I didn’t realize just how much I missed you until I was pulling you out of the water trough.” I gape at his back as he turns Charger, his horse, to climb a hill at the top of which I can see a clearing.

  Taking a deep breath before responding, “I missed you guys too. I kept in contact with Lia, not sure what happened with you and Ryan.” Clumping them all together makes saying that I missed him safer because I have missed him.

  At one time Dane and Lia were my best friends. We did almost everything together and I remember how disappointed I was when I visited last and Dane wasn’t home. Part of me knew that he would have changed since seeing him, but spending time with him now he is the same Dane, just older, sexier and more confident.

  Pulling out of my reverie, I realize we have made it to the clearing, I gasp at the scene before me. Dane has hopped off Charger and grins at my reaction. I walk Serenity further into the clearing, all the while taking in the quiet creek running through it and breathing the scent of peppermint that is growing all around us. My mind races back to playing tag, wading in the creek and campouts with Dane and Lia in this very spot. It was also the spot I ran to when I needed to be alone and think.

  “I can’t believe you remembered how much this spot means to me . . .” I whisper, mostly to myself, but I know he hears me when he smiles at me softly. Walking Serenity over to him, I stop within a few feet to dismount. Before I can swing my leg around Dane walks over and grips my hips, pulling me gently down. Holding my breath, I avoid eye contact as I slide down his body as he lowers me smoothly to the ground.

  Tingling spreads through me as my breasts brush his chest. He has no idea what he does to me and the second he looks into my eyes he will see it written there. Feet planted on the ground, his hands still resting on my hips, I compose myself before looking at him. “Well, don’t I feel like a princess!” I smirk trying to disguise what his proximity is doing to me. He is staring intensely into my eyes and it’s all I can do to not lean in and swipe my lips against his. Pulling away I soften my tone, “Thank you so much for bringing me here.”

  Dane sighs and runs his hand through his hair. “I thought you would appreciate it. I brought us a picnic so we could spend some time here.” He gestures to the saddle bag on Charger’s back and smiles at me.

  “That sounds wonderful.” I’m getting a frustrated vibe from him and I don’t understand why he would be annoyed, yet I smile and try to be appeasing. “This ride has been amazing and I love the picnic idea. It’s like old times. Thank you for thinking of it.” He seems to shake whatever is bothering him off and turns to the saddlebag, pulling containers out of it.

  Wandering over to the creek, I pull my boots off and dip my toes in while he lays out a blanket and assortment of goodies. The cool water feels divine on my feet and I let my thoughts wander.

  This place holds so many memories and it’s an overload for the senses. The time we attempted to make a tree house and Ryan broke his arm because the base fell out of the tree, holding Dane and Lia’s hands as we waded in the creek and my favorite memories of our families camping out here.

  I’m startled out of memory lane when Dane calls me over to the spread he has set out. Looking down expecting a small assortment of treats and instead seeing enough food to feed several people, I look at him shocked. He laughs that deep, rumbly laugh that sets my core on fire when he sees the expression on my face.

  Sitting down, I try to think of anything else but how turned on his laugh makes me, clenching my thighs to alleviate the ache in my body. He is sitting next to me, his arm brushing against mine and I can tell he is waiting for my reaction, so I examine the foods more closely and ignore my body. All of the foods before us are my favorites. There is apple pie, cherries, punch, strawberries, cookies n’ cream chocolate and that’s just the start.

  “I can’t believe you remembered all of my favorites!” Awed at what is before me, his thoughtfulness has rendered me speechless. It’s been 13 years and he still remembers all the necessities for our picnics.

  “Well don’t just stare at it! Eat!” He demands.

  Shaking myself, I tease him back. “Bossy aren’t you?” I smirk at him as I pop a cherry into my mouth.

  He grins wickedly at me, “I can be,” winking suggestively. Choking as I laugh and shake my head. It’s so easy to be around Dane, I’m more relaxed than I have been in a long time.

  We sit in companionable silence as we munch away and enjoy the sun, scents and quiet of the clearing. The Chick-a-Dees are chirping away and I can hear a Woodpecker in the distance.

  Once I have eaten until I’m stuffed, I lay back with a sigh and start pointing out shapes in the clouds. Dane lies next to me, our sides pressed together.

  Moving my hands to rest on my belly, I try to think of something to say. This moment feels intimate and it’s wreaking havoc on my nerves. A burning sensation alerts me to Dane’s eyes on me and I turn my head towards him. His green eyes search mine, for what I don’t know.

  Unable to handle the lingering eye contact, I’m searching for something to say when a shrill ringing by my side disrupts the peace of the nature surrounding us, scaring the ever-loving crap out of me.

  “Holy shit!” Sitting up abruptly, I look down and notice Dane’s cell by my foot ringing persistently into the quiet. I silently pass it to him, but not before noticing the name on the screen.

  It’s Yvette. He looks at the phone and shuts it off. I’m confused by her calling him as I thought he wasn’t seeing her anymore and it’s a splash of cold water on the warm and fuzzy feelings this picnic was building onto my crush.

  “Sorry about that.” He smiles apologetically but the moment has passed and I suggest we head back. Avoiding looking at him, I start packing up. When he continues to sit there, I finally meet his steady gaze. Whatever he reads in my eyes answers the question in his and he reluctantly nods.

  Later that afternoon Lia and I are organizing my closet when she finally mentions my ride with Dane.

  “So . . .” she starts, “How was your ride with my brother this morning?” She winks suggestively at me and I roll my eyes.

  Lia has always been like this, a hopeless romantic, despite the fact that her high school sweetheart ripped out her heart two years ago. Since then Lia hasn’t had much dating history because she does not want to open herself up to being hurt again. I sincerely ho
pe that when the right guy comes along, she is able to allow herself some vulnerability and open her heart. However when it comes to trying to fix others up she will do whatever she can to help them find their happiness. We are both similar in this way.

  Smiling, “It was good, nice to get out for a ride and explore. We stopped for a picnic in our old clearing. It was amazing . . .” Trailing off I think about how surprised I was at the thoughtfulness of the entire outing. Dane didn’t need to say he had missed me and thought of me, he showed it through his gesture.

  “But . . .” Lia prompts, trying to hide the look of disappointment at my tone.

  “We’re friends and nothing more. Even if I wanted to explore more it’s too much of a risk. Besides, while we were eating Yvette called and I’m not into breaking up relationships or flirting with other women’s men.”

  Lia scowled at the mention of Yvette, “He is not still seeing that woman. She just doesn’t know how to take no for an answer. If my opinion is worth anything, if you feel anything more than friendship for Dane, go for it.” Smiling at her regretfully, I distract her with my impressive closet and asking about massage therapy for Belle. At the mention of working with my horses she becomes animated and relief flows throw me that my distraction worked.

  Rolling out of bed, I’m still pissed the fuck off at Yvette for calling me yesterday. That woman does not know how to take a hint. We had our three dates, it didn’t click and I told her it wouldn’t work. Only one woman has made it past the three dates and she totally fucked me over so now I’m even more selective.

  If I’m being honest with myself, I know I’ve been holding out for Emma and the fact that Yvette put our afternoon to an end enrages me. The look in Emma’s eyes, the shields going up that have never been there before sliced into my heart. She is going to be a tough nut to crack.

  Rushing out the door, I hurry through my chores so we will be ready to head into the city. Despite being close to some small towns, we’re making the long trek into Edmonton for our monthly restock. It’s a full day trip and I’m hoping to make up what I lost yesterday. Pulling out my phone, I decide I need to deal with Yvette. Enough is enough. Typing out a text, I read over it a few times to make sure it’s not rude, but direct enough that maybe she will finally back off. Satisfied with the words, I hit send.

  Me: Seriously Yvette, I don’t know how many times I need to tell you that I’m not interested. Please stop calling and texting, it’s not going to happen. Not now, not ever.

  Will she actually stop this time? Who knows, that woman has a few screws loose and it was very apparent by the third date. That rule may seem callous to some, but holy shit has it come in handy. Not that I need it anymore, my heart made its decision a long time ago. I just need to get her to cooperate.

  Lia is in the kitchen packing snacks for the drive. Pouring myself a coffee, I sit at the breakfast bar and inhale the heavenly scent wafting from my mug.

  “Are you still seeing Yvette?” Lia asks as she lifts the cooler bag onto the counter. Interesting . . . Emma must have mentioned the interruption yesterday.

  “Hell to the fucking no. Woman doesn’t know when to let go! I texted her this morning, again, to tell her to move on, but who knows. I just pray she doesn’t show up here because she tends to get a little handsy.”

  Making a gagging motion, Lia slaps the shopping list down on the counter. “Anything I’m missing?” Scanning the list, I add a few things and pass it back to her. She looks over what I added and snaps her head up with a knowing grin.

  Rolling my eyes, I stick my mug in the dishwasher and walk out of the kitchen. I love my sister, but I see the wheels turning in her head and that often means meddling. I seriously hope one day the tables are turned on her. Man will that be fun!

  The sun is barely breaking the horizon when I walk over to the Hyatt’s. They are already ready to go and as we leave the house I casually suggest we take my truck, however I am unanimously vetoed.

  “We have a nice car for commuting; it has a huge trunk and won’t eat your gas. We’re taking that.” Dane says with finality.

  It’s no use arguing with him so I quickly shout, “Shot gun!” Lia groans and pokes Ryan to get in the back while winking at me. Relieved, I crawl into the front seat and take the deep cleansing breaths I practiced with Alex.

  Throughout the drive I do my best to laugh at Lia and Ryan’s antics while ignoring the questioning looks Dane is sending my way. I know I am not acting like myself by not jumping in on the conversation, but the first time driving with someone always requires a lot of focus. One day it won’t be necessary but I’m just not there yet.

  I hate that I’m so weak to allow my parents car accident to impact me like this, I wasn’t even in the damn car! Alex has told me countless times that I am strong and it is an understandable reaction when they couldn’t even save the bodies of my parents from the wreckage. Larger vehicles have come to mean safety and small cars, like this one, bring on an image of my parents sedan wrapped around a tree, crushed underneath the hood of the semi-truck that t-boned them.

  The loss of my parents shocked me to my core and every day I have something I wish I could share with them. The ache in my chest has not lessened and the only way I have been able to get through the past year is with Alex by my side and pretending everything is okay. I know I can’t continue on this way, but I don’t know what else to do.

  Feeling my breath hitch at these thoughts, I scrunch my eyes shut and picture galloping through a field with Serenity. Imagining the wind blowing my loose hair out behind me, the feel of Serenity’s smooth gallop and the blur of the scenery as we fly across the field helps to calm the anxiety and sorrow building in my mind. This is my happy place and it’s where I need to go to clear these thoughts and stop the panic attack in its onset.

  Continuing to picture this in my mind, I guide us into the trees. As my imagination fills my mind with pictures, I feel the panic subside and almost forget that I’m in a small car. During these times Alex knows to give me my silence until I’m ready to open my eyes.

  But I’m not with Alex.

  Dane clears his throat and whispers, “Are you okay Em? You’re looking a little pale.”

  Nodding and opening my eyes to look at him, “I’m fine, just was trying to think of what all I need to get in town.” He looks at me skeptically as I barely stop the reflex cringe that comes when I lie. Attempting a smile to ease his concern, I turn and look out the window. Lying is something I despise and therefore am terrible at, but I don’t want them to see inside my messed up brain. Only Alex knows and he has barely scratched the surface.

  The rest of the three and a half hour drive northeast to Edmonton passes quickly and I concentrate on participating more actively in the conversation, putting an end to Dane’s inquiring looks. As we run our errands, the ease in which we interact makes it feel like no time has passed between us, even though I have only been back in their lives for a couple of days. Lia admits she kept Ryan and Dane in the loop over the years, especially after we both got hooked on social media.

  “We all missed you and until recently both Ryan and Dane had avoided Facebook so I would show them pictures and what not.” Lia says to me almost guiltily.

  Laughing, “I’m glad you shared, I never post anything I don’t want out there anyways.” As we pack the rest of the trunk with enough supplies to last us at least a few weeks I feel my relaxed state dissipate. Lia had mentioned to me while we shopped that whoever sat in the front seat always sits in the back on the way home in order to be fair. Ryan and Dane split the responsibility of driving so Dane and I would be in the back for the ride home.

  I’m not sure what it is about being in the back seat of a vehicle, but ever since the crash I cannot handle it. Alex and I didn’t practice that as it was never necessary since we only ever travelled as a pair. Contemplating whether or not I can pretend to sleep in order to go to my happy place for the whole ride, I reluctantly slide into the car.

 
As we all get buckled in I’m picturing taking Belle out instead of Serenity. I rarely ride Belle anymore because she has some arthritis in her back legs, but on occasion we will go out and those moments are cherished by us both.

  Everything is going well until we start moving. As we leave the city and speed up to the highway limit, it gets more and more difficult to stay in my happy place. Scrunching my eyes closed even tighter while gripping my hands into the seat, I guide Belle and me through a heavily treed trail. The birds are singing and there is a cool breeze. All around us is the scent of spruce trees, moss and fresh rain.

  The car picks up even more speed and visions of my parents crumpled sedan starts flashing through my mind. We sway a bit as a semi-truck passes us and sweat breaks out onto my forehead as the panic starts to rise.

  I don’t want to see the wreckage in my mind anymore. The pain it causes is crippling and I want to be strong. Fear of letting anyone glimpse inside the reality of my grief has me trying to refocus. In my heart I know I can’t stop the panic attack, but that doesn’t stop me from trying, it can’t.

  Pressing the palms of my hands against the side of my head, faintly hearing Dane trying to talk to me against the roar through my ears, I refocus on my imaginary ride with Belle. I imagine us walking into a valley that has a stream flowing through it. We stop for a drink of water and I cool my feet off as I stretch out along the bank. Belle’s quiet presence is a comfort to me in the silence of nature as we relax in the sun.

  The car shudders as another semi-truck passes us and my attempts at remaining with Belle in my mind fails. My breathing becomes erratic as the feeling of not enough air and panic rushes through me. Sweat pours down my face and I can feel the tears start to flow when my mind fills with scenes from the accident a little under a year ago. The pictures in my mind are as vivid and devastating as the day I was called about the accident.