Make Me Real

by Petra J Knox

  The closed-in balcony was small, but big enough for two people to have enough room to sit and enjoy the fresh air. Two lounge chairs with a rattan footrest for a table faced the alleyway that separated the lodging district from The Rough. We were high enough up for the trees and sidewalk below to seem so small, so far away.

  I waited until she sat down first, then awkwardly fit myself into the strange chair. It sat low to the ground, so my long legs had to either be bunched up or stretched out. I tried both and noticed Blue was watching me with a huge grin on her face.

  “Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh…” She turned her head, her shoulders shaking.

  I grunted and strangely found myself relaxing. When she turned back to me, her cheeks were rosy, her eyes twinkling.

  She was absolutely stunning.

  My whole twenty-four years had been nothing but on and off, asleep and awake, black and white. Seeing Blue across from me, with her knees bent and tucked under her chin, her painted toes that rested on the edge of her seat only inches away from my knee, I felt like I hadn’t lived before knowing her.

  She was life. And it wasn’t just her body or her looks. It was something inside her that exuded promise and joy and… hope.

  “With luck, this time next week I’ll be in my own place.” She sighed and looked around the balcony. “This place isn’t that shabby while I wait, though.” She took a swig of her beer and wiped her mouth with her other hand, then looked at me. “So, Pinn. Tell me about yourself.”

  I let out a breath, feeling that discomfort again. This was what people did. Normal people. They conversed, reciprocated thoughts out loud. Shared things. I’d read plenty of books to know this was the way “peopling” worked. I could do this.

  “I’m not much of a talker, honestly,” I told her, looking out into the night over the stone railing. “Not much to tell anyway.”

  “Well, that’s okay!” she enthused. “I used to be shy, too, a long time ago.”

  There was no way she used to be shy.

  My gaze met hers and, as if she could read my mind, she nodded.

  “Yep, sure was. But I realized that life was way too short to not have every moment count, and if I wanted to be me and be happy, well, I had to just be me.” She shrugged her delicate shoulders.

  “You sound like Crocket,” I murmured, hypnotized by the one shoulder that was naked, the thin white fabric sliding down her arm.

  “Oh? Who’s Crocket?”

  My eyes met hers again, and I cleared my throat. “He’s a friend of mine.”

  “Ah. Do you live alone? I mean… sorry, that’s probably—”

  “No, I don’t.”

  When she frowned, I realized how that had sounded, and for some reason it bothered me. I hated it when she frowned.

  “I live with my pop,” I said quickly without a thought, “above Figaro’s, the shop he owns.”

  She seemed pleased with my reply, and I felt like I’d given her the moon.

  “Oh, okay. Figaro’s, you say? Is that a music store or something?” She took another sip of her beer.

  “Nah. Odds and ends shop. Mostly junk.” I blinked. Pop would have smacked the back of my head had he heard me say that.

  Laughing, Blue sat up, put her beer down, and grabbed my empty hand. I was so shocked by the sudden move, that I didn’t pull away. She leaned over my hand, holding it in hers like it was precious. Her cool touch was electric but not enough to make me want to pull away.

  When I looked into her eyes, I saw a hint of mischief gleaming back at me. Curious and entirely fascinated, I waited, holding my breath.

  “I’m going to read your palm, Pinn. Let’s see what we got here…” She bit her bottom lip in concentration, completely focused. When her finger traced the fleshy part of my hand in a slow line, I hissed under my breath, but I didn’t pull away. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

  She made a hmm sound, turning my hand this way and that, then back to that insanely sensitive tickling. “I see travel in your future. A journey. Soon.” She raised her head, a blue eyebrow raised in question.

  All I could do was slowly shake my head in denial, still caught up in how close she was to me. That she was touching me. That I was letting her.

  “And this…” she looked back at my hand again, tapping a spot in the middle of my palm, “says that you’ll find love again, but only if you have faith.” Her eyes lifted to mine, flicking back and forth, staring intently.

  “What is it?” I asked, curious as to what she saw there.

  “You know, you have the most beautiful eyes. I’ve never seen eyes like yours. Like twilight, almost. A hint of royal blue, a bit of purple, a bit of gray…” Then her eyes dipped down to my mouth. I pulled my hand away and rubbed it absently on my jeans.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, sitting up. “Gees, I keep saying that a lot to you, don’t I?” She tried to smile but her eyes were sad, and I felt even more like a fool to have put that look there.

  Dammit. Why couldn’t I be like Crocket? Confident, easy-going. All Blue did was talk about my damn eye color. No big deal.

  And hold my hand.

  I reached out before I could think too much about it and put my hand back in hers. “No, I’m sorry. I’m not… used to people.” Swallowing, I risked a look at her. She wasn’t mad. There was no pity in her expression either.

  She smiled. “Will you hang out with me tonight, Pinn?”

  When I didn’t say anything, she squeezed my hand gently but didn’t release it.

  “Please? I don’t know this city like you do. Hell, I’ve only been off work two times, and I’m dying to get out and have some fun.” She giggled, her eyes catching fire again in that glittering way of hers when she was happy. “I think you’re the perfect person to show me around.”

  Pepper’s face immediately popped up in my mind, followed by Pop dangling a noose, his disapproval burning holes into my eyes.

  Facts: I had a room here. I’d left a note. Medoro was taken care of. I had eyes on Pepper, knew his location.

  Another fact: I’d never in my life done anything I wanted to do, never even knew there were things I wanted to do.

  After seconds of internal debate, as usual, when it came to Blue, my mouth made the decision for me. “Alright. Let’s get out of here.”

  5

  The Stars

  “Oh crap. Your key!” Blue pulled away, dropping my hand as we crossed the other side of Drury Lane. She had wormed her hand into mine as soon as we’d left her room. I decided I really liked holding her hand.

  The key. Yeah, that’s right. I’d broken mine in the damn keyhole.

  Fuck, I was a goddamn mess around her. I’m forgetting everything, I thought as I followed her across the street and back to the hotel.

  She stood on her tip-toes at the entrance. “Well, never mind. Looks like Fauna went on break. The sign’s up.” When she looked back at me, she gave me a lopsided grin that was so damn cute, I wanted to get on my knees and worship her.

  She stared at me, and for a second I was terrified that I’d said the thought out loud.

  “Look at you, looking at me like that,” she whispered, her gaze traveling around my face “You’re beautiful, you know.” Her eyes were big gems shining like light-blue suns. Her lips parted as if she were about to say more, but she blinked, breaking the spell. She grabbed my hand again. “Come on, we’ve got a night to chase.”

  Shaking my head, I let her lead the way, all the while processing what she’d said. She thought I was beautiful? Could men be beautiful?

  I’d never given a thought about my looks before. I was just me. She’d said my eyes were “like twilight.” To me, they were just odd. Sure, women had been coming on to me since I was fifteen or so. I’d been propositioned enough times by the girls at the salons and clubs to know that my looks were welcomed compared to a lot of men that visited such places. But being pawed and looked at like I was something to eat left a bad taste in my mouth. It repulsed me most of the
time.

  Blue didn’t look at me like that, though. She took me as I was and more, seeing something in me that pleased her enough to accept me without wanting anything in return. As if I were a book that she’d picked up and was delighted to read before knowing what it was even about.

  Crocket was like that. To a point. With him, however, I always got the sense he was waiting for something. No fucking clue what that something was, though. I knew he didn’t care for Pop that much, but Pop had that way about him.

  Thoughts of Pop had me squeezing Blue’s hand a bit too tightly, and she looked over at me.

  Her brows rose in concern. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Sorry.” I brought our joined hands up and did something I really, really wanted to do. I kissed her knuckles. Her skin was soft. Sweet. In my nervousness, it was a quick peck, but the result was a huge smile from her that melted me from the inside out. I looked away and cleared my throat, my heart in my stomach.

  Her hand pulsed in mine, giving it a squeeze, letting me know she understood.

  “So, where we headed first, sweet man?” she asked.

  I almost choked. There was nothing about me that was anywhere in the vicinity of sweet. But it humored me. I shook my head. “Hmm… I think we should go to the Rabbit Hole first, then the famous Carnivale.” I looked over at her. “Unless you’ve been there already?”

  “Nope, not yet! Is that your favorite place in the City, Carnivale?”

  “It is one of them, yes,” I answered softly.

  She waited for me to say more, so I thought about how to form the words as we left Drury Lane and crossed over onto Esplanade, where up ahead, showgirls in their feathery, flamboyant headpieces were congregating at the trolley stop.

  “Carnivale is,” I began, “…well, picture everything that delights the senses. Color, taste, sound. So many rides, things to see, feel. Things to do. It really is a magical place.”

  “That sounds perfect,” she said on a breath. Her feet did a little skip and she turned her body in my direction, almost walking backwards until she faced forward again, hand still in mine. “I still can’t believe I’m here at the actual City of Lights!”

  Her laughter had me looking over at her. Her gaze wasn’t on me but down. I studied her profile as she watched her slippered feet, careful of the cobblestones. Before we’d left her room, she had changed into a flowy, pale-yellow dress that hugged her breasts and flat stomach but drifted like a cloud at her hips and ending at mid-thigh. Her legs were long and elegant. The dress was sleeveless, so her arms were bare, and when the lights from the city streetlamps shone on her shoulders, her skin appeared to be made of gold.

  Her voice held a strange note to it when she said, “A far cry from the City of Angels.”

  I slowed my pace until we stopped a few yards from the trolley stop. “Not a happy place, I take it? Where you’re from?”

  She bit her lip and looked away, her gaze in the distance. “No,” she whispered. “It’s not a happy place.” When she looked up at me, her eyes were shiny, as if she were about to cry. I swore my heart stopped beating right then, and I felt something in my chest that made me growl low.

  I pulled her in close without a thought, our hands locked between us. She tucked her head right under my chin, her warm breath sinking into my chest through my sweatshirt.

  She mumbled something, then leaned back to look up at me. “Let’s just say I’m glad to be here.” With a weak smile, she closed her eyes, as if coming to a decision. When she nodded, her eyes opened again. “Now, let’s be happy again. Okay?”

  I studied her, admiring her ability to let go and refuse to be a victim of whatever pain she had suffered. “Okay.”

  We walked over to the stop and waited for the trolley. Blue started up a conversation with the showgirls, and just like that, she was back to being a butterfly, flitting and fluttering, sharing her joy with those around her.

  The trolley pulled in and we boarded. I chose a spot in the back, still holding Blue’s hand.

  Blue sat down first, choosing the inside seat, where the open window gave her the opportunity to not miss a single thing the City offered. I eyed the travelers in the trolley as I sat, noting where everyone was, looking for any and all threats. Luckily, only the showgirls and a man with an elaborate turban occupied the seats. The man was reading a book, his body language calm.

  I let myself relax and watched as Blue took in everything as the trolley made its way down the attractions district.

  “I still can’t believe you’ve lived here all your life, Pinn,” she said. “Wait. Did you go to school here, too?” She turned to look at me, but I quickly looked away, facing the front.

  “No. I was taught at home.” I wanted to pull my hand away, suddenly ashamed for the first time in my life at my lack of education. Everything I’d learned, I’d learned from books. Pop had made sure I only knew the basics—reading, math, writing. Anything else was a waste of time, he’d said. As long as I had the skill to carry off the jobs he needed me to take care of, nothing else mattered. That didn’t stop me from reading in my spare time, though.

  I waited for more questions, but Blue just nodded. “Do they even have schools here?”

  I shook my head. “No. They’re all on the mainland.”

  “That makes sense, I guess. The City isn’t really a city, not like, you know, Chicago or something.” She turned back to the window, excitement practically pouring from her body.

  Chicago. The mainland. Places I’ve never been to before. I didn’t even know where they were on a map. My whole world was The City of Lights. Thinking about what was beyond that made me feel like I was too small, unsubstantial.

  A memory floated up in my consciousness and suddenly washed over me.

  Pop, squatting in front of my cage, his elbows on his knees. His eyes wild with booze. “You are nothing, Pinn. This city is all you’ll ever know. Your actions will always be mine to decide. You’re just a shadow, my shadow.”

  I clenched my jaw, willing the memory away. I focused on the now. I was with Blue. The night was young. Hopefully, if all went well in the morning with Pepper, the next time I saw Pop, the constant tension would be gone and my usual routine would be back to normal. I just wanted this one night.

  Because after this, there could never be another time with Blue. I’d have to say goodbye to her. If not for my own sanity, but also for her safety.

  Pop would never allow Blue to be in my life. It was hard enough that he allowed me to keep Medoro around. Just the thought of Blue stepping foot in Figaro’s had me seeing red, because I knew he’d kill her.

  So after tonight, I’d have to let her and her beguiling blue eyes go.

  The Rabbit Hole was already starting to fill up with patrons as we stood in line waiting to get a ticket. Like Mesmer, it was a night club, but instead of a jazzy, intimate vibe, The Rabbit Hole was more energetic, more eclectic in tastes. It catered to the fanciful and bizarre. Various rooms and stage areas ran the gamut from fairy tales to color-themes. One particular area was the reason why I wanted to bring Blue here.

  Finally, it was our turn, and I paid the ticket master at the door. He handed us two small bags with masks inside, along with our tickets. “Welcome to The Rabbit Hole.”

  I handed Blue her bag, and once we were masked—I didn’t even bother looking at what I’d been given, just shoved it on over my hood—we threw the bags into the bin by the door just for that purpose.

  Blue took one look at me and smirked. “For an ass, you sure are cute.”

  “Huh?” I was too caught up in how perfect the peacock-blue butterfly mask was on her to follow her words.

  She pointed behind me, and I turned around. A man wearing my sweatshirt had donkey ears jutting out of his covered head. The half mask was brown, the material fuzzy, like fur.

  I was staring at a mirror.

  A funny feeling crept up inside me and I watched as the man in the mirror smiled. A noise escaped my throat, and I realize
d it was a laugh.

  I was laughing. Smiling.

  What was this woman doing to me?

  Still laughing, I pulled her to me and guided her deep inside the club.

  I showed her the Animal Room, the Bubble Room—which I had a difficult time getting her out of—and the Tea Party Room. Every other step, I watched her reaction, seeing the club through her eyes. The costumes, the textures, the deep crimsons and tangerine pinks. Heard her delightful sigh when we stood for a moment to listen to a woman with long, jewel-toned hair in various colors sing a lullaby to two parrots that were perched on her arm.

  Every twitch, every lift of Blue’s lips, every blush of thrill was mine to capture and tuck away.

  When we had visited every nook and cranny of the club, I took her up the spiral staircase that led to the roof.

  We reached the top, and she gasped at what she saw before her. Numerous, tall potted fruit trees created an archway that led into the man-made meadow. Each tree twinkled with tiny lights like fireflies, providing just enough light to see by. The floor was a patchwork of clover, soft green grass, and delicate flowers that wafted a honeysuckle scent with each step as we strolled through the Garden of Delights.

  More trees and shrubs were strategically placed to mimic a labyrinthine path, each turn providing a botanical alcove for privacy. I let her get her fill before pulling her gently into a quiet corner deeper into the garden.

  Cherry trees in full pink bloom cradled the space around us yet leaving plenty of midnight starry sky above us. In the corner, a small fountain gently trickled.

  I knew the ground was soft, having spent many nights on its welcoming surface looking at the stars, so I sat down and pulled off the ridiculous mask before taking off my sweatshirt, leaving me in only my T-shirt. I set my sweatshirt down for Blue to sit on and then laid back, crossing my arms over my chest.

  Instantly, my eyes went to the brightest star in the sky. A sense of calm settled over me, something I hadn’t really felt in Blue’s presence before. Being here now, in this garden and looking at the sky, something just clicked in me. I felt… right.